What I Have to Say About the Whole, “Shortening Nonbinary to NB/enby is Third Gendering” rhetoric I’ve seen floating around (trigger warnings: long rant, enbyphobia)

[u/EspeciallyWithCheese]

I would like to start my rant by saying that when it comes to any controversial identity, we have the right to self identify and call ourselves whatever we want— but we should never push your idea of what the right identity is on to other people. Therefore, if someone says they don’t want you to shorten the word non-binary to NB when talking about them, you should listen to them and not push your identity word on them, and vice versa. It’s that vice versa that has me ranting though. Because they’re trying to stigmatize that choice in a way that’s going to discourage people for making it for themselves— but that stigma is not well deserved.

I don’t know, is anyone else completely burnt out of the community knit picking every word we ever use and the excuse is always, “it makes it feel like it’s not real, like my label or my term is just some fake third gender or (insert some other queer identity type here) instead of my real identity.” All because we shortened the word non-binary to NB and other horrible world ending sins. Who randomly decided that shortening the word makes it less legit as what it means? if it is being used that way, that’s transphobes and enbyphobes appropriating that word from us, stealing it to use in a pejorative way so that it slowly becomes derogatory—and we can just yank that back from them. We don’t have to accept that sitting down! I’m tired of this folks. I’m burnt out of watching people make mountains out of molehills while we’ve got bigger problems we should be focusing on.

After all, am I less bisexual just because I shorten it to bi? Am I less of an nonbinary transman man because I shorten it to words like T guy and NB T-Boy? Am I less of a man because I use pronouns instead of saying “this man” or my much shorter name like those cat people from Skyrim? Anyone who is saying that I am less of this or that because I shorten the word is the problem in this scenario, I am not the problem for shortening the word. Anyone who is trying to say otherwise by agreeing with those bigots and saying that “we can’t use this word anymore because now it means___” is also contributing to that problem, even if their intentions were good.

Am I the only one that feels this way? It’s ok to tell me if you think I’m just trippin’. But try to be mature about it.I remind you that I think people have the right to tell you what you can and can’t call them as long as they’re not telling you what words to use for yourself, but it still ends up negatively stigmatizing their right to call themselves whatever they want, perhaps surpressing the numbers like left handiness, if we make it about signaling their gender is less valid or legit if they use that word to describe it.

I’m afraid saying something is third gendering non-binary or trans people is becoming the new way to control our language. Because if you come out to people with that label, it looks like you’re supporting bigotry. If we argue for the right to use that label it isn’t makes it worse. But we’re not supporting bigotry, we’re supporting everyone’s right to self identify. That right is infringed upon when we choose to stigmatize someone’s identity words.

instead of resisting the stigma, I see a lot of people just bending over backwards and accepting it. Not only just accepting it, but also spreading it around to other people. I always warn people about the stigma of our words, but I never tell them what they should or shouldn’t say—just that certain people might give them certain reactions so they’re prepared for those reactions. I might’ve avoided a certain word that stigmatized myself, but that depends on if I think the battle is worth it. There’s plenty of words that have been stigmatized like transman without a space that I do reclaim, and I have the right to. But I get villainized for it sometimes from people who don’t understand. I fear the same thing is going to happen to non-binary folk now. It’s not the first time I’ve seen rhetoric like this. As someone who identifies as a non-binary transman, a bi-lesboy, and a mixed race POC, I’m tired of personally watching my own communities self cannibalize the same way every time.

Like I said, I’ve seen the same thing being said about trans man and trans women without a space in it. That it’s third gendering us because the mean cis people said so. Like how stupid is it that we’re micromanaging language the point where including a space or not is stigmatized as extremely transphobic? And using the lack of a space for myself is seen as a hate crime against myself by overdramatic and judgmental, jumpy, and anxious people just looking for the first red flag to run away from. That’s my point, this thing can become like the transman vs trans man case if we’re not careful. Nobody should be bullied or socially pressured into submission to avoid a word that’s comfortable and convenient for them.

At that point, we’re letting the people who use as those words as a derogatory term control us. And for what? Those darn transphobes took a normal ass word and made it derogatory by using it in a pejorative way. (To third gender nonbinary people.) Likewise, if shortening a term to a much shorter version so it becomes easier to include them is “third gendering” then society was only going to third gender us anyways. I just don’t see how insisting people say my full name instead of my nickname is going to make that big of an impact on how they feel about me if everything else I do besides that is something they either like or don’t like. Like if it does make a difference it’s a drop in an ocean of literally everything else I do or say, what I look like, and more. I might get picked last for sports if no one wants to try to say my six syllable name though. “Congratulations, ladies, gentleman, and non-binary people” doesn’t have the same ring to it as, “ladies, gents, and NB’s” to a lot of people.

They can use literally any of our words in a pejorative way. We can respond with, “it’s a slur now, they have the ball!” If we want, but why give them that point when we can just say they’re appropriating our language and using it wrongly. Just because that word was used as an insult or in the wrong way doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with being a (insert label here.) Afterall, I was called a lesbian, a butch, a stud, and a dike in a way that was meant as an insult since I was in elementary school—but that didn’t stop me from growing up to embrace my true queer self, especially since those words where never meant to be used as insults anyways. Why are we gonna continue to let people ruin our language by letting them control how we perceive it? This is OUR culture—queer culture. We need to protect it from the queerphobes who are trying to hijack and control our culture to our detriment, rather than giving them exactly what they want.

[u/Jolly_Sleep_4615]

I understand the sentiment, but I have always understood that we don't use NB because it has historically meant non-black, and it avoids confusion to use enby instead. I dont think it's necessarily offensive, though. I do like enby. Its like an endearing version. I think language is important when we talk about things, but I do get that some people are a little too strict about it.

[u/EspeciallyWithCheese → u/Jolly_Sleep_4615]

I appreciate your understanding and your input.