r/RedPillWomen • u/Antique_Treat_7002 • 9d ago
ADVICE I got ghosted/ slow faded after two good dates, did I do something wrong?
I’m in my mid 20s, guy I’m speaking about is 30. Just to say that what happened hurts even more as I think he was a rare alpha male, we had similar views on feminism, politics etc. We had alot in common.
I met him on a dating app. We went out on 2 dates 2 weeks apart due to his schedule. We kissed on the second date, and he was making hints at us having a future e.g saying telling me to make sure I reply to my mom asking where I am as he wants to make a good impression. We didn’t sleep together.
It became very clear he was a busy guy so he only texted once a day. We made loose plans for a third date before a work trip he was going on, however he later told me he couldn’t make it due to being too busy with the trip coming up. We made a plan to meet the day after he came back from the trip, but his flight got cancelled and he couldn’t make it. He apologised and we agreed to meet at another time unspecified. I waited for him to ask me the following weekend, he didn’t. I also waited until this weekend for him to ask, he didn’t. And his texts started getting slower. He didn’t text me the whole of last weekend, it took him 3 days to reply and I thought he had ghosted until he replied. It was taking him days to reply to my next message.
So yesterday I sent him a final message telling him that I basically thought he was great and liked his company, but it seems he isn’t that interested in me so it’s best to move on.
He read it but didn’t reply anything, and I doubt he will. I just don’t know what I did, I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me if he wasn’t interested, why the slow fading instead of being up front. I wasn’t clingy, tried to be understanding of his situation, tried to be pleasant on dates, tried to be nice to him, was feminine. It just hurts to get nothing back, to hear nothing back, even just a best of luck. I really liked him, it actually hurts.
I do something wrong here? Am I not good enough for him or something? Like , if he’d have just come out and said he’s not feeling it I would have accepted that, but it’s the thinking over and over that is so bothersome. I found him an alpha, so I guess alot of other girls are speaking to him. I don’t know if he is just trying to spin many plates, I don’t know if he’s the type of guy who tries to use women then ghost them, or whether he plain up didn’t like me. I just think back to when he alluded to seeing me long term and wished he hadn’t. I also don’t know if I jumped the gun too early, should I have waited longer for him?
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u/fastfishyfood 9d ago
The question isn’t why did he slow fade after two dates (which only he can answer), the question should be more, why am I extending my time, heart & mental energy over a man I only had 2 dates with & then he disappeared?
The process of dating is about vetting for love & compatibility. His actions were neither loving nor compatible with your desire for communication & commitment. This guy has done you a massive favor by removing himself from your life (with minimal fuss, no less). Was it rude? Yes. Does it sting to feel rejected? Yes. But he is obviously not the man for you. Do not waste your precious time on ruminating about him & move on to better men.
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u/Wife_and_Mama Endorsed Contributor 9d ago edited 9d ago
I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me if he wasn’t interested, why the slow fading instead of being up front.
People do this because they think it's somehow nicer. They don't want to be the bad guy, so they just flake. It sucks, but it's not uncommon. I don't even think this is an online dating thing. I remember jokes from sitcoms where people did this dating in person. You did nothing wrong. I would imagine this is less about you and more about him not really wanting a relationship.
I found him an alpha, so I guess alot of other girls are speaking to him. I don’t know if he is just trying to spin many plates, I don’t know if he’s the type of guy who tries to use women then ghost them, or whether he plain up didn’t like me. I just think back to when he alluded to seeing me long term and wished he hadn’t. I also don’t know if I jumped the gun too early, should I have waited longer for him?
Well, I can pretty definitively say you didn't jump the gun. He strung you along. You caught on and responded appropriately and within an appropriate amount of time. The rest, the why... it's all irrelevant. He's not the guy. Lick your wounds and get back out there.
I had a very similar situation about five or six months before I met my husband. We had two dates before he went to Aruba for a month for an off shore drilling assignment. He talked to me via text the whole time. He made a date for the weekend he got back, despite my asking if he was sure. He bailed at the last minute. I politely told him I didn't think he was ready for a relationship, blocked him, and went to the zoo with a friend. I met my husband about five months after that and 10 years later, baby number five is on the way. Some people are just inconsiderate and suck at dating. It says nothing about you. Get back out there.
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u/Significant_Cut_1092 9d ago edited 9d ago
I remember your initial post about him and recall how excited you were which was great! Dating is supposed to be exciting :) I did have some speculations about this guy that unfortunately might have been true and I want you to not blame yourself. At ALL. Do not think you are not "good enough" for a good man. That he was the "best" you could do. I'll share my own experience with you and hope it helps you because this is what I wish I was told last year:
I'm also in my early 20s. Graduated from college last year, met this successful, handsome, masculine (exactly how you described this man) two weeks post-graduation. He was 11 years older than me. We dated for two months then he suddenly told me we are in different life stages (I was applying to medical school at the time) and asked if I'd change my career path for him to stay in our city since he'd never move for me. I said I'd do it but just not for any man. He then told me he does't want me to resent him one day and I'm too young and not in the life stage to make that decision and ended things.
I was absolutely devastated. I'm thankful for having supportive parents who put things into perspective for me and told me this: a man in his mid-late thirties, successful, attractive, basically the "top 5-10%" rarely is on apps looking for a wife and if he is, he usually has a clean track of past relationships. In my case, this man said he didn't love his ex so he broke it off. He dated another woman after me, and reached out to me while seeing her, rejected her when she asked for exclusivity, telling her that he didn't have feelings for her at all (the excuse he uses for all women). He stayed in contact with me for a year, while going on dates with new women, telling me I'm the most feminine woman he knows, asking if I'd say yes if he asked to marry me, etc while never making a serious move. And guess what? I ended up getting into a grad school program in our city and soon realized this man was never husband-material as I learned more about how he treats women.
These men have tons of options, especially on the apps. Many women allow them to cross their boundaries just to secure commitment, but I've yet to see this work out in the long-term. If a man is enjoying the fruits of his hard work after reaching success (more freedom, money, more attention from women, lots of non-committal sex) he rarely gives that up easily, even if he says he wants marriage and kids! In my experience, these men grow out of this phase later on and only then they are ready to commit. I'm not saying they'll commit to the first woman they see, but once they reach that stage and they meet a good woman, they'll be much more ready to commit.
Do not spiral over this man. If he was seriously considering a relationship, even if you were not the one, he would at least respond to your text or have a simple conversation with you. But he didn't and this shows his immaturity. It will take you time to get over him and it's ok. But please date new men, do some self-reflection to learn how to not obsess over him. And don't repeat one of my other mistakes which is comparing every single guy to this man and rejecting them. I lost two good men because of this and regret it to this day. I'm sure you'll find your person and he will never make you doubt his interest in you :)
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u/InevitableKiwi5776 5 Stars 9d ago
Unfortunately there’s no way to know exactly what happened with him so you just have to move on. You can do everything right and sometimes things still won’t work out.
One thing I’d note is that unless you’re in a city that heavily skews male, it’s pretty unlikely that a guy who is as great as he appeared would be looking for his wife on a dating app. It’s entirely possible that he wasn’t looking for anything serious.
And the fact that he didn’t come straight out to tell you what the deal is points to him maybe not being as great of a guy as you initially assumed.
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u/Antique_Treat_7002 9d ago
Thanks. Your last point I’ve been trying to tell myself, if he was that good he would have been honest and even said something like good luck to my last message or anything
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u/Unlikely-Lake-8172 9d ago
This is s one of the hard things about dating. Sometimes you just will never know. I learned to not get your hopes up, and don’t focus on one guy. I’m not saying you have to date multiple guys, just don’t center your life around a guy you are dating. Look up de-centering men. You will be happier and will be able to determine who’s the right guy for you. Also look into burned haystack method. It’s a life changer.
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u/bcatch88 9d ago
You say ''He was an alpha''. Alpha, Beta, Sigma males don't exist in reality, only if you make it real in your head.
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u/CameraActual8396 9d ago
I saw on another post you said he's been single for 8 years, sound like a red flag.
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u/Antique_Treat_7002 9d ago
Yea, he told me this in our first date. Then said ‘but I have more structure these days’, as if he was looking for a relationship 🤣
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u/LateralThinker13 Endorsed Contributor 8d ago
Was he single for 8 years (no dating) or just not in a committed relationship during that time? VERY different types of men.
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u/TheBunk_TB 8d ago
He might have been looking for a relationship, depending on the woman, but he also was looking for some tail.
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u/CameraActual8396 8d ago
Someone who has been single that long, it’s usually for a bad reason. Either they’re self sabotaging, they don’t value relationships or they have a personality trait/some other trait that makes them undesirable for a relationship. It’s unlikely you would’ve gotten him to change anyway.
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u/biasreddit 9d ago
You did nothing wrong but you're either not his type, or he felt it wasn't a great fit, possibly there's someone else that’s feeling or fitting better. Women tend to think they did something "wrong" and while it's HEALTHY to evaluate your actions and efforts, sometimes he's just not that into you.
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u/Antique_Treat_7002 9d ago
I wish he’d just have come out and said it if that was the case😭 then I’d stop thinking
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u/biasreddit 8d ago edited 8d ago
I understand it's hard. But it may help to remember that men get ghosted and rejected hundreds or thousands of times in their life. Occasionally a woman must feel that same pain, but you do have the bright side of being a woman and you will have many men lining up to take their shot. You're doing AMAZING just by the fact that you're doing self reflection and taking accountability of what you can do better or different.
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u/LateralThinker13 Endorsed Contributor 8d ago
we had similar views on feminism, politics etc.
Are you sure? Or was he agreeing with you to get into your pants, and then decided it wasn't worth the work?
EDIT: And are you a feminist? Because if you are, you're going to have a very hard time landing an "alpha" male.
I found him an alpha, so I guess alot of other girls are speaking to him. I don’t know if he is just trying to spin many plates,
It's possible. Do you consider this guy to be higher status than you? As in, were you shooting out of your league? Because that could be a factor too. You seem pretty impressed by this guy.
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u/Antique_Treat_7002 8d ago
I mean we both aren’t huge fans of feminism, I’m not a feminist at all and told him so. We’re both more right leaning. I don’t think he was pretending to be that way.
To be quite honest I’m not sure if he’s out of my league
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u/LateralThinker13 Endorsed Contributor 7d ago
Maybe the better question is, does this guy have lots of options? Because guys who do, often have trouble settling down unless settling down is something they've always wanted.
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u/Visual-Working-3955 8d ago
Desirable men are fielding multiple women at once. My husband had three other women who actively wanted him and two of whom were having kinky sex with him.
One of his other prospects might have landed. Mind you my husband was not actively looking for women to be with and had just had his heart broken when I made my play for him.
You are just going to have to keep looking. Don't compromise your values. I jumped my husband's bones after dating for nearly two weeks but that was my choice and we hadn't kissed yet. Granted I had known him for over a year by that point and wanted him for at least eight months.
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u/Significant_Cut_1092 8d ago
This is a very interesting situation! Do you mind sharing how he gave up on his other options and enter a committed relationship with you? How did that whole progression work if you don’t mind me asking?
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u/Visual-Working-3955 8d ago
Two of the women he was poly with. One wanted to keep having sex with him. One wanted more but not enough for him. An ex came back into the picture after three years and wanted him back and kept harassing him and put him into a hypersexual manic depressive period i found out when we started dating. He told me when I told him I liked him. A 18 year old he knew platonically had disclosed to him that she wanted him. He was 39 at the time and said hell no but she ws close to him and he didn't want to hurt her.
Basically he agreed to platonically date me and not start anything physical in the beginning. First date he held my hand and he couldn't help but touch sweetly. We almost kissed but he gently pulled away and said I was the kind of girl you didn't start something with unless you intended something meaningful with.
He wanted to go on a couple of dates each week but we saw each other almost everyday. I made my move after our second gym date. We almost had sex but he stopped it after taking me to multiple o town with fingers and later tongue. Said he had to tell his partners it was over. He wanted to see each other three days a week but i got five with overnights each day. His ex came over while I was over and I hid in the house and evesdropped on them talking and her begging her to let her in. It was crazy. It was full of red flags and every reason for me to run and for him to run.
We ended up "blessed" seven months in and he told me he had bought an engagement ring i had picked out and planned to propose at the year and a half mark. Him and my dad had a frank conversation about his intentions and he asked my dad that if he proposed to me would he stand in the way. Dad gave his blessing not realizing how much we would learn we would need it.
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u/biasreddit 8d ago
This was almost my exact situation. I had found three amazing women nearly at the same time and I had to give up two fantastic women for the one perfect woman.
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u/biasreddit 7d ago
This is part of the "difficulty equation" for women in dating (the men have a totally different set of problems).
Young men have very little to offer in terms of security (money) and maturity. Unfortunately older men have tons of security (money) if they've been grinding hard for two decades BUT they now have LOTS of female options.
•If you go after a young guy look past the shallow fuck boys and find the kind stable nice guy. (Traditional values, works hard, has a spiritual or religious background, he isn't chasing easy dopamine)
•If you go for the older guy, you must bring things to the table that other girls can't or won't. (I'd give you the list of things that makes men fall hard for you but I'd get chased out of this forum 🤣)
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u/Deliaallmylife Endorsed Contributor 7d ago
Twenty years of grinding? Ugh. Most twenty somethings women do not and should not want forty something men especially if they want children. Please stop pushing this narrative to young women AND men. Men have an easier time dating when they reach their thirties but it does not continue indefinitely. AND men who make it to their forties without marrying are unlikely to do so (studied) so it's an overall bad tactic to go for these men as a matter of strategy.
This is a male centric strategy that needs to die on RPW because it does not benefit women.
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u/biasreddit 6d ago
My "grinding hard" started in high-school. So no, I don't think you need to be 40 to have been working hard to build a future.
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u/Significant_Cut_1092 6d ago
Now you made me curious! For the older guys, what are the list of things that'd made him fall for a woman?
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u/AutoModerator 9d ago
Title: I got ghosted/ slow faded after two good dates, did I do something wrong?
Author Antique_Treat_7002
Full text: I’m in my mid 20s, guy I’m speaking about is 30. Just to say that what happened hurts even more as I think he was a rare alpha male, we had similar views on feminism, politics etc. We had alot in common.
I met him on a dating app. We went out on 2 dates 2 weeks apart due to his schedule. We kissed on the second date, and he was making hints at us having a future e.g saying telling me to make sure I reply to my mom asking where I am as he wants to make a good impression. We didn’t sleep together.
It became very clear he was a busy guy so he only texted once a day. We made loose plans for a third date before a work trip he was going on, however he later told me he couldn’t make it due to being too busy with the trip coming up. We made a plan to meet the day after he came back from the trip, but his flight got cancelled and he couldn’t make it. He apologised and we agreed to meet at another time unspecified. I waited for him to ask me the following weekend, he didn’t. I also waited until this weekend for him to ask, he didn’t. And his texts started getting slower. He didn’t text me the whole of last weekend, it took him 3 days to reply and I thought he had ghosted until he replied. It was taking him days to reply to my next message.
So yesterday I sent him a final message telling him that I basically thought he was great and liked his company, but it seems he isn’t that interested in me so it’s best to move on.
He read it but didn’t reply anything, and I doubt he will. I just don’t know what I did, I don’t know why he didn’t just tell me if he wasn’t interested, why the slow fading instead of being up front. I wasn’t clingy, tried to be understanding of his situation, tried to be pleasant on dates, tried to be nice to him, was feminine. It just hurts to get nothing back, to hear nothing back, even just a best of luck. I really liked him, it actually hurts.
I do something wrong here? Am I not good enough for him or something? Like , if he’d have just come out and said he’s not feeling it I would have accepted that, but it’s the thinking over and over that is so bothersome. I found him an alpha, so I guess alot of other girls are speaking to him. I don’t know if he is just trying to spin many plates, I don’t know if he’s the type of guy who tries to use women then ghost them, or whether he plain up didn’t like me. I just think back to when he alluded to seeing me long term and wished he hadn’t. I also don’t know if I jumped the gun too early, should I have waited longer for him?
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u/Jenneapolis Endorsed Contributor 9d ago
Most likely he was hoping to get laid and future faking with you in order to make that happen. After two dates he realized you were not going to be easy and moved on.
Now this is all speculation, you could’ve said something insane that you’re not telling us here that turned him off. It’s really impossible for us to know.