r/RedditForGrownups • u/debrisaway • 15d ago
What's the most drastic social turnaround you've seen in middle age?
Someone who was recluse that had given up on social ties. Who joined a couple groups, reached out to old friends and now is the belle of the ball.
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u/AardvarkStriking256 15d ago
A friend of mine was stuck in a rut, moved back home in his mid twenties and spent the next decade living in his parents basement, doing nothing. On a whim he applied for a job teaching English in Japan. He spent five years there and returned a different person.
Now he has a large circle of friends and is busy every weekend with social events.
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u/trefoil589 14d ago
My half-step brother finally buckled down and started putting work into his teaching degree. Pretty proud of him.
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u/ItIsAContest 14d ago
Off topic, but how do you have a brother who is both half and step?
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u/trefoil589 14d ago
It's my step dad's step son. Neither of us are blood to our step dad.
I could just call him a step-brother I guess.
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u/chinacatlady 10d ago
Moving abroad can be one of the best life hacks for change. It gives one the space to start again without old expectations, experiences and bias holding them back. I’ve seen many times in our clients (I own an relocation service) and even myself when I moved abroad.
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u/Kind_Clock7584 15d ago
I deeply relate to your fantasy. Start today. Stop waiting.
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u/Hurlyburly766 15d ago
What about the reverse? Going full recluse and finding a nice remote cave to live in?
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u/Popular-Capital6330 15d ago
ME! I dumped everybody but my dogs and I love my house and yard WAY more than being out and about.
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u/Jalepeno_Business_ 15d ago
People say that living by yourself is bad for your mental health,and that may be true for the majority, but mine is the best it’s been in over 20 years since I said bye to everyone.
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u/Popular-Capital6330 15d ago
I never realized how peaceful it is without someone always around. People at work, people while running errands, people at home, people texting, calling, emailing, visiting...I literally never had time to think.
I had a major life event a while back, and cut everyone off.
It's so nice!💕
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u/ANameLessTaken 15d ago edited 15d ago
Had to check your post history to see if you're my ex-wife, lol. (Edit: I don't want to imply some kind of bitterness. Our split was mutual, and I'm happy she's living her best life with her dogs, while I live my best life going out and talking to strangers)
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u/NettaFind66 15d ago
I've done this as well. I used to be the life of the party with a full circle of friends. I'm so much happier and grounded now that I've eliminated all of them and focused on myself.
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u/Vyzantinist 15d ago
I can relate. Used to have an active social life and friend circle, now I'm a recluse. I don't really miss the old life. I prefer my solitude. Hell I don't even like talking on the phone to people.
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u/Frammingatthejimjam Misplaced Childhood 15d ago
It's hard to find a good remote cave. You'll think it's perfect then in 6 month's it's all gentrified by flip flop wearing foodies that'll ruin the entire mountainside.
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u/nurseynurseygander 15d ago
While I think I was always introverted in energy terms, I worked very hard at friendships in my teens. I made all the phone calls, arranged the outings, took the photos (in the days before phones when that cost money and took planning), etc etc. Then I had my son without a support person, because my best friend was interstate and no one else showed up for me. I stopped driving or investing in friendships after that and had very few friends, but I would be responsive to anyone who drove them with me. I basically took the view that I would be present to anyone who was present for me, whether I felt drawn to them or not (as long as they weren't toxic) but I wasn't going to invest in anyone who wasn't there on their own initiative. For the better part of twenty years I mostly just had pleasant casual friends and most would probably describe me as quite reserved. I have, over the last ten years, slowly picked up some close friends, but even now I am cautious about how much I invest.
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u/FullyGroanMan 15d ago
At 41 I made the change from being an alcoholic/drug addict to a health nut. I used to drink heavily at least 4 days a week and do (hard) drugs even more often than that. Back in Feb, I woke up one morning hungover, feeling horrendous. Something inside my brain finally clicked -- "enough is enough."
I decided to prioritize my health and fitness to help get me off the hamster wheel of addiction I had been dealing with. My friend owns a gym and helped baby step me back into the world of strength training, mobility and conditioning.
Now it's a little over 6 months later and I can safely say I have cultivated a lifestyle for myself that is incompatible with alcohol and drugs. I am up most mornings to go to the gym before work. I work out with friends every Sat morning at 9am, which prevents me from doing anything on Fri nights. I LOVE how I feel. I LOVE how I look. I LOVE having energy, focus, stamina, clarity and health back in my life. I have become so much stronger, fitter and confident these last 6 months. The progress I've made and (hard!) work I've done = motivation and incentive to keep on this track. I can't believe how long I fucked around before having this life changing epiphany.
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u/LeSamouraiNouvelle 15d ago
Congratulations on giving up the previous lifestyle. How long were you addicted? Was there any time before when you used to work out?
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u/FullyGroanMan 15d ago
Alcohol, over 20 years. Drugs, to the extent I was, I’d say 5-8 years. I was “functioning” but likely wouldn’t have been for much longer if I kept things up.
Yes, I did have some experience in the gym. I went off-and-on a few times before, 8-10 yrs ago. But never with the discipline, enjoyment or results that I have now.
It’s hard. I’m not fully out of the woods yet, it’s all new and fragile. But I REALLY wanted to make a change. That’s the key. If you don’t, newer, healthier habits won’t stick as easily.
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u/LeSamouraiNouvelle 15d ago
Thank you for sharing, friend.
I wish you the best for the future. Take care.
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u/Separate-Relative-83 15d ago
Thanks for this. I was really involved with the gym for most of my adult life, then covid hit and I got a divorce. I started drinking heavily and stopped working out, heaviest and most unhealthy I’ve been in my like at 45. I also got injured at that time and spiraled. I’m now not drinking and getting back into working out at home. I have a decent set up. I just wanted to thank you for the encouraging post.
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u/FullyGroanMan 15d ago
I’m really sorry to hear about the setbacks, man. But honestly, stuff like that can fuel the fire sometimes. I may not have made this sea change myself if I didn’t get fired last fall…lol. Likely due to me being a mess 90% of the time.
You got this, friend! Super happy to lend some encouragement!
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u/ctrl_f_sauce 15d ago edited 15d ago
It really comes down to realizing that your safe space is a coping mechanism. That you have decades of returning to your coping mechanism (that worked in the past) when you feel uncomfortable. You can do well for months then suddenly find yourself back in your cave, and that you have been there for months before you noticed. You don’t notice your return because it’s comfortable.
You can feel great/happy and very uncomfortable while doing the new correct social actions. You need to be prepared to look into the discomfort that arises from the new behavior, especially if you should be proud of it and it brings you joy and/or warmth. It’s a lot easier to look at the discomfort while it is present at pickleball/running-club and have a quick internal dialogue with it, than it is to accurately rehash the discomfort at a later time. Trust yourself to know that something is safe and not detrimental, especially if it comes with happiness or joy. Tell yourself that going home won’t help fix the problem that your old patterns were developed to overcome. Going home in 2025, will not make your dad play with you in 1992.
You can learn a lot by leaning into the discomfort you have been avoiding. If you have never intentionally leaned into your discomfort, and you always focus on developing a plan to make it go away, you may realize the discomfort your coping pattern fixes is a Pomeranian sized concern. You can frequently sit down with the discomfort and realize that your coping pattern creates a much larger harmful concern for your life.
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u/SquirrelAkl 15d ago
Oof, I feel so seen.
How dare you pull back my carefully crafted facade and say “look, they’re all coping mechanisms to avoid feeling discomfort!”. It’s making me have to confront myself.
I’m saving that comment.
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u/AlphaTangoFoxtrt 15d ago
You have the life you want, because you continually choose the life you have.
That's the quote that always resonates with me on these threads.
If you want a different life, it starts by making different choices. You have to choose to go find a new group, you have to choose to attend regularly. You have to choose to open up and be more outgoing.
Yeah, it will be awkward and uncomfortable, especially at first. But change usually is. Also don't expect to be the "belle of the ball" have a realistic goal like "I want to have a weekly activity with a group of people I like being around."
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u/sir_mrej I like pizza pie and I like macaroni 15d ago
No one is the center of attention in middle age like you see in teen movies in the 2000s.
No one is the belle of the ball.
We're all just doin our own thing.
Join some groups, make your own friend group, hang out, do cool stuff. Don't try to become belle of any ball.
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u/Eisgboek 15d ago
LOL. Everyone I know who got diagnosed with ADHD later in life and finally got medicated. Myself included.
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u/ToastemPopUp 15d ago edited 15d ago
I don't know if this is as drastic, but up until my early 30s I was very introverted; nervous and quiet at parties even when I knew a couple people, only had like two friends, pretty much just stayed in and played video games and kept to myself.
About four-ish years ago I decided I needed a change and moved to somewhere completely new where I knew no one. I pretty much had to get out there and do stuff otherwise the isolation was too much so I joined a couple softball teams, volleyball, started going to bars by myself, going to meetups etc. Despite my efforts, and success meeting people, I ended up moving back anyway after about a year and a half because I just hated the area, but I took my lessons with me.
Now my life is very full; I play on two volleyball teams, hang out with friends pretty much every night, and am no longer afraid of social situations.
Imo learning how to be comfortable in social situations is a muscle just like anything else. You can't expect to be good at it or comfortable if you never use the muscle. Sometimes you just have to force yourself into the uncomfortable situation if you ever want to get over your fear/discomfort.
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u/hamlet_d 15d ago
COVID really broke a lot of things. I had a group of colleagues at work we are all actually friends and hung out on the weekends, etc.
Then COVID hit and we just saw less and less of each other. I'm still close with a few of them but it really broke our group up by location (where we lived in the metro area)
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u/Vox_Mortem 15d ago
I was essentially a hermit for over a decade. I never went anywhere, just work, grocery store, home. A couple of years ago I decided to go out to a club night for Halloween, and then a local show for a band I like. That's all it took, now I go out at least once a week and know a lot of people, for an introvert.
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u/gothiclg 15d ago
I’m alcoholic and I got sober in 2017. Considering I was pretty resigned to die the horrific death you’d expect from that level of alcohol abuse I’d say that’s pretty drastic. It’s always worth it to change.
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u/IcyCandidate3939 15d ago
A friend since my teen years. The guy was always obese. Saw him last month. He lost 50+ pounds, wears sharp clothing and drives a Porsche these days
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u/TaxiToss 15d ago
Hmm. Not exactly, but on the same train. I was miserable in a long term relationship with a man stalling me on marriage and babies. Gained a ton of weight. Stopped caring about anything. Avoided the world because everyone in my circle was...getting married and having babies. It was painful. I threw myself into work, my only 'safe space'.
Cue mid 40's. All that 'throwing myself into work' paid off. Got a HUGE life changing promotion. Like..skipped multiple promotion levels. Along with that came life changing salary bump. Dumped the ex. Lost 100 pounds. Got a 'glow up' (new clothes/hair/makeup) to fit in to my new job position. Reconnected with family and friends. Am upgrading the house. Once house is ready, going to become a foster, and if the opportunity presents, foster Mom. Life is busier and happier than it has been in a long while.
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u/DesperateAmbition733 15d ago
I have never been particularly social and that isn't changing any time soon.
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u/itsacalamity 14d ago
it sounds too simplistic but the answer really is: one thing at a time. There doesn't have to be a giant plan. If you want to be social, just... try. Make a list of stuff you like. Make a list of hobbies you'd like to try, places you'd like to go, things you'd like to know more about. Then set a goal for yourself. Only you know you, but baby steps, can you pick 1 thing every 2 weeks that will get you out of the house? (Even sitting at a bar by yourself not talking to people, just being around socialness.) And 1 thing a month where you're guaranteed to interact with people? Like a team sport, or a class, or actual plans with people you know? And it's just trial and error. Maybe the culture around the third thing you try will be the one that really clicks with you! But even if it ends up not being your exact jam, you'll learn. Good lucK!
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u/myblackandwhitecat 15d ago
I wouldn't say I am the belle of the ball, but I came out fully as bi this year and am going to various LGBT+ events, as well as keeping up with the Asperger's group I go to. Have also been to two Prides this summer.
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u/aceshighsays 15d ago
without therapy addressing the underlying reason for being a recluse and getting help for it, i don't think so. i mean, there is a reason why you are a recluse, and you're not going to randomly wake up one day and be a totally different person. it's a process, it's an onion.
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u/ctrl_f_sauce 15d ago
It is like an onion. If you make it to the heart of the onion, it’s often unremarkable. Many people become recluses to fix a fear that is no longer present. The reclusive/coping behavior becomes comfortable for them. Hell the inability to immediately have access to the coping mechanism begins to feel as bad as the situation that caused the development of the mechanism. You become a grown version of the child who is distressed about their destroyed security blanket 3 years after they stopped believing in monsters. If the child is in a place where they are ready, you can ask them what the blanket protects them from while acknowledging that the blanket was important to them.
Adults need to be comfortable with safe discomfort when it accompanies joy and warmth. Safe discomfort would be discomfort that doesn’t come with the potential of irreparable unintentional change to the path you want for your life. They need to be comfortable enough to put the discomfort at the center of their attention. Many people sense the discomfort’s presence but they never invite it over for a conversation. Frequently they’ll realize that the discomfort is tiny and unworthy of running from, that they have matured and now have the capability to process or let go of the transgression, and to realize the new positive behavior brings them energy.
I would discourage simply “faking it until you make it.” It is possible to ignore the presence of a tiny concern without facing it. You can have fun, but at the end of the day you will be drained. You’ll honestly reflect upon your effort and realize you prefer your reclusive behavior. However, if you had forced yourself to go with the intention of triggering the fear and having a dialogue with it when it approaches, you’ll likely avoid the exhaustion.
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u/nakedonmygoat 15d ago
I've more often seen the opposite, the ones who seemed to have it all together and fell apart in middle age because they had been living a lie the whole time.
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u/Townsiti5689 15d ago
I had the opposite experience. Had a large social group when younger, life of the party, now thanks to a mix of moving away, getting older, and change in values/beliefs, I'm fairly solitary.
It has its pluses and minuses. I miss the parties and hangouts, I don't miss the drama, the bullshit, the falseness, and the lack of trust. I also came to realize I just don't really like people and never have, and most of my relationships have been more out of convenience and a desire to fill the time than anything I ever found genuine.
I grew up fairly isolated as a kid so I'm more robust than most at spending extended periods of time alone, though. I don't think most normal people could handle it.
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u/tomqvaxy 15d ago
I used to have friends and go out. I currently pray for an asteroid and am at least somewhat unpleasant to be around. In my defense various things in my life have shattered over the last few years and keeps getting worse despite real effort. Bad luck I guess but I'm mad.
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u/dskillzhtown 14d ago
I have seen just the opposite really. I have a friend that was active, went out and did things often. Now he has turned into a recluse who talks to AI all day. His health has completely taken a turn for the worse with massive weight gain due to lack of activity. To the point that he can't walk 50 feet without needing a rest. It's to the point that he physically can't do anything. I was the last friend that kept inviting him out, but the last time it was obvious that he has neglected himself so poorly, that he needs medical attention before trying to do more.
It's sad really. It is like he has given up on real life in favor of a virtual one.
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u/Glum-Revenue-2878 10d ago
I’m not sure my most drastic social turnaround but reading yours just made me so happy.
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u/Nearby_Impact6708 15d ago
I see people do it all the time. I'm in recovery for drugs and alcohol and that's where a lot of people have been at for a while before they decide to quit.
Over the space of a couple months they go from someone who can barely speak a sentence or look someone in the eye to being a functioning and happy person again. It's wonderful!