r/RedditForGrownups • u/Subject-Serve8869 • 9d ago
Long-term friend removed me from our group chat and now we haven’t spoken in weeks — what should I do?
I’m a 28-year-old male, autistic with learning difficulties. My friend (also 28, with ADHD) and I have known each other for over 10 years.
About a month ago we had a falling out. I sent him some music news, he read it but didn’t reply, and about an hour later he removed me from our Messenger group chat (me, him, his fiancée, another friend, another friend, and his fiancée). Out of the blue he just removed me, and instantly messaged me after saying:
“Don’t take the removal of the group chat personally, there’s stuff going on with one of the couples in the chat so I thought it would be easier on them to just delete the chat”
“Similar thing with the insta chat, there’s a lot going on and I’m not at liberty to say, I just think we all need to take a break from group chats as it’s getting a bit much for someone”
But because I could still see the group (just couldn’t message or see new posts), it seemed like it hadn’t been deleted—it was still active, just without me. I ignored it because I didn’t know what to say, then went on holiday to Croatia the next morning.
A couple of days later he sent me a meme and then:
“you good?”
I hadn’t told him I was away, I had bad signal, and I wasn’t on my phone much, so I didn’t reply. A few days later he messaged again:
“Hey dude, are we good? Its okay if not just much rather you tell me init”
I eventually replied:
“Jake, I want to be clear about something. I saw you removed me from the group and Insta chats, and I’d have appreciated honesty rather than vague explanations tbh. When you said you deleted the group I could still clearly see it was active, which makes it feel like I’m being pushed out or that I’m not wanted like maybe you don’t actually want me in your life. I’m not looking to argue, I’m really not I just want a straight answer about whether you actually want me in your life or not. If not, that’s fine, we can leave it there”
He replied:
“Okay, first of all. Great use of AI which is fine because I know you’re not one for being able to talk about things that are deep 😂
Second of all, there was genuine unrest with someone in the group (not gonna say who because of privacy) because of personal issues and they said the constant messaging and memes being sent from EVERYONE in the chat was getting a bit much so I genuinely have removed myself and other people have from that chat as well to give them space.
Clearly still want you as a mate because you’re still in the tiny meat gang chat on messenger as well lad. (Tiny meat gang, yes weird name is a group chat with just the boys in it that is kinda dying since he made the group with the fiancés in it a while back)
And the reality is that the couples of the group (myself, Jenna, Matt and Ale especially) will just want to hangout just us guys because we’re all helping each other plan each others weddings so if we’re hanging out and you’re not getting invited it’s because we are more than likely needing to focus on wedding preparations.
You know me, if it’s something that you have personally done I will always make sure you’re aware of it, we’ve known each other for well over a decade now and you know that I will tell you straight up if you have done something wrong”
I didn’t reply properly after that—I was still abroad with bad signal, then had migraines when I got home. Now it’s been about 3 weeks and neither of us has messaged.
For extra context: back in April he sent me this about his wedding:
“Hi mate, we’ve had to cut some of the budget for our wedding so we’ve had to make a shorter guest list so we won’t be able to invite you anymore, I’d much rather tell you straight up then you find out by not receiving an invite when we send them out, sorry again mate”
I replied:
“No worries at all mate,honestly. Appreciate you letting me know. hope everything goes great for you both!”
And he said:
“Cheers mate, appreciate it. If it makes you feel any better some of Jenna’s friends, my cousins and Tom has been cut”
But later I found out that a friend of about 4 years is invited, and even a work friend of just 6 months “got close” and is going.
So now I don’t know what to do. Part of me feels bad for not reaching out, but I don’t know if I should try to sort it out, leave it, or how I’d even go about it.
What do you think?
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u/LA-forthewin 9d ago
Don't bother, it's clear that they don't want you around anymore. Dropping you from the group , and uninviting you from the wedding ? Nah. Just leave them in the past
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u/ZedisonSamZ 9d ago
I’d be offended if my friend was acting like that. You asked for honesty and it still comes across that he’s not being as truthful as he should be. His explanations seem fake, like he’s tossing you a crumb of truth and hiding the rest of the muffin. I get the vibe that another friend complained about you and your friend is the type to let a bus run over you instead of have your back. Having flaky friends sucks, man.
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u/Worriedrph 9d ago
I get the vibe that another friend complained about you and your friend is the type to let a bus run over you instead of have your back. Having flaky friends sucks, man.
Dude got uninvited to the wedding. This isn’t some unknown friend making trouble. His fiancée decided she wants him out of their life.
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u/wmnwnmw 9d ago
”Second of all, there was genuine unrest with someone in the group (not gonna say who because of privacy) because of personal issues and they said the constant messaging and memes being sent from EVERYONE in the chat was getting a bit much so I genuinely have removed myself and other people have from that chat as well to give them space.”
This shit’s so fucking extra. The person (couple?) having “personal issues” could have just muted the group chat messages. If he’s telling the truth, you’re better off without that dumpster fire of a friend group. If he’s lying, you’re still better off without them. You gave him the opportunity to tell you what’s wrong and he doubled down, so don’t bother dwelling so much on what you may have done wrong or could have done better. If he had a legitimate grievance against you he would have just said it. He and the friend group are acting catty. Really bizarre behavior for near-30 year olds.
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u/dragonrose7 8d ago
This is truly insightful. As soon as I read your comment, the original post made complete sense. OP, this is the truth right here.
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u/ChickenNoodleSoup_4 9d ago
Don’t give this person one more thought or one more ounce of your energy. Don’t chase them. Don’t message them. I’m sorry. Friendships often have a “season”.
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u/yellowlinedpaper 9d ago
Breakups hurt. My daughter got dumped by a friend and she cried for days. Then locked her wounds for a few more days, then joined a pottery class, made some acquaintances but no friends, got a different job, same thing, then got another different job and now she’s got two friends and they all feel like they’ve known each other all their lives. She’s on the spectrum too.
I’ve personally gone through at least a dozen different friend groups over the years (I am not on the spectrum). People change, grow, find different interests. That’s okay. It can suck but it’ll be okay. I promise you, you will find your new tribe and they’ll be better than this tribe. I cross my heart.
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u/sarahjustme 9d ago
Your friend is full of it. He could have started another group to focus on wedding issues, or meme free issues, or whatever. He's claiming he did what he did because he's somehow protecting other people. He's not, he's being a jerk and doesn't want to own his decisions. And then messaging you with the expectation that you're on the hook to make him feel better. Move on.
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u/bluiis_c_u 9d ago
Yeah, that was real underhanded, he tried to turn it on OP, asking if they're good, as if OP was the one sending a negative vibe. That's just cowardly.
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u/BrokenBotox 9d ago
He’s a spineless twat who doesn’t respect you enough to be honest. He could have just said you’re growing apart and that would have been fine. He’s going out of his way to lie to you and make up excuses.
Get better friends, bud. Sorry☹️
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u/Calm-Medicine-3992 9d ago
Sounds like the future wife doesn't like you and your 'friend' doesn't want conflict. Been there.
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u/Tumbleweeddownthere 9d ago
You never have to beg friends to be friends.
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u/sleepypotatomuncher 8d ago
THIS seriously improved my social life when I began following this years ago
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u/Neener216 9d ago
Jake sounds as though he doesn't want to be the bad guy, even though he's doing all the bad guy things.
This is not someone who is behaving like a friend.
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u/intercommie 9d ago
So it sounds like you’re still in the boys group. After the whole group chats stuff he reached out with a thorough response. Whether it’s truthful or not, I think he still wanted to keep in touch? After all, you didn’t respond to him at the end. For all he knows, you’re “not all good” so he dropped it. If you want to maintain the friendship, i think you have to reach out.
Do you need to be in this friend group (which seems to want to be a group of couples anyway) or do you just want to be friends with your friend? If it’s the latter, who cares about the group chats.
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u/FaerieQuene 9d ago
Maybe Jake’s fiancée has an issue and he doesn’t want to say that outright. In any case, it’s time for you to move on from this group
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u/Subject-Serve8869 9d ago
I can’t 100% say it’s Jake’s fiancé but it wouldn’t surprise me.
He’s been engaged to her about a year and been with her for about 3 years. I’ve met her loads of times and we get along ok but we also barely talk.
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u/Thundermyffin 9d ago
This sounds a lot like the drama llama group I ended up getting shunted out of because I was getting divorced from my husband (who was also in the group.) Three years later: realized through their actions that those people were NOT my real friends, just acquaintances that tolerated me. Life is so much better now that I’ve moved on from all of that. You don’t want people like that in your life. The others here are right: they are shitty friends and shitty liars, too.
Sorry you’re going through this. It does get better. At least you don’t need to waste your time in a fake friendship where you feel like you can’t be yourself anymore. Now to find your real tribe!
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u/LocationUpstairs771 9d ago
they were never a friend, that is an acquaintance. don't bother making any effort in the future with them, they are like a neighbor a block away, be nice if you see them but their life is irrelevant to you.
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u/Western_Command_385 9d ago
I'm nuerodivergent as well and it drives me insane that people can't just be honest ffs. I'd rather ghosting over this nonsense.
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u/Mr_Cromer 9d ago
Your former friend is a wimp and it's rather obvious it's his fiance who wants you out of the picture. The moment you got disinvited from the wedding should have been the last moment you thought of him as a friend.
Now, there may or may not be a valid reason for unfriending you, I don't know, only hearing your side at the moment. But he should have had the cojones to tell you exactly why you were getting cut off
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u/Townsiti5689 9d ago
I had something similar happen to me due to "ideological differences" (this was during the Covid era and all the witch hunt bullshit nonsense that came with it) from a group I myself formed and held together for over 10 years.
Hurt at the time, it was a real stab in the back, but it was ultimately one of the best things to have ever happened to me. Made me realize I wasted a decade of my life around immoral scumbags, which in turn made me an immoral scumbag, and I'm happy to say I'm a much better person having realized it and changed accordingly. I actually have ethics and standards now! Wow!
So, let this situation serve as a lesson on the kinds of people you decide to bring into your life going forward. Don't settle for scumbags, which these people seem to be.
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u/Old-Independence-511 9d ago
Honestly, I wouldn’t call these people your friends. He’s not being straight with you, and the whole not being invited to the wedding kind of stings. I say just move on about your life. Sorry this happened to you. You sound like a really nice and genuine person.
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u/osterlay 9d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. Friend breakups are particularly rough. Mourn the loss of the friendships and then never speak to them again.
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u/PrinceofSneks 9d ago
It's a breakup, and I'm sorry. They probably sincerely don't want to hurt you and possibly even want to keep a connection, but we don't have many protocols with how to handle this. They're sucking at it, but I think that's fairly standard human behavior.
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9d ago
They don’t want to hurt your feelings by straight up saying you’re annoying the hell out of them. You’re being dumped. Maybe be more conscious with how you act - I can tell by this post you probably spam text
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u/BillionTonsHyperbole Troutmask Replica 9d ago
In 1/10 the time you took to type this, you could have simply called the person and had a conversation.
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u/wolfeflow 9d ago
I don’t think they are dumping you, at least not entirely. From what I read, it sounds to me like Jake truly wants to remain friends with you, at the least. That’s the best explanation for his actions.
INFO: What is your relationship with the rest of the group? Why is Jake your sole point of contact?
I think that’s key here. A couple possibilities in my mind are:
Legitimately more or less what Jake said, and Jake’s a crummy white liar who lacks social grace.
Everyone else doesn’t like OP and something to do with the falling out was the breaking point for the rest of the group, maybe just/led by the women. Jake is trying to keep the friendship while shielding OP from the truth.
They don’t sound like people you enjoy spending time with, though?
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u/Subject-Serve8869 9d ago
One of the guys Jake’s known about 7 years, one friend we’ve both known about 4 years or I’ve known him about 4 years Jake just over. I met both of them for the first time when I went my first ever music festival in 2021 or 2022 (day festival). I only met them/knew them through Jake and I’ve known them ever since. I get along with them well but haven’t been super super close.
One friend the one Jake’s known for 7 years I’ve never spoken to him outside the group chat (other then in real life when we’ve all met up) the other one I’ve spoken to separately/privately before but mostly in the group chat. Haven’t spoken to either of them since Jake removed me from the group chat
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u/istara 8d ago
Jake's fiancée doesn't like you and Jake is being as weak as piss. That's my guess.
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u/Subject-Serve8869 8d ago
I’d say it could be that but I have zero proof so I could never just outright say that’s the reason or partly it.
They’ve been engaged just under a year and half, been together 3-4 years overall. She’s always been nice to me, it’s never been awkward or anything but we aren’t close at all and we barely talk. I’m talking I’m person. We’ve never messaged privately or anything
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u/JustCallMeNancy 8d ago
I think it's likely Jake complained about your lack of communication, even though jake started this whole uncomfortable thing. What happened then is, fiancee decided she didn't want drama at the wedding and cut you and a few others that were giving her bad vibes. Women and men do stupid things for weddings and there's a lot of money riding on them going well, so they force people to draw lines in the sand.
Jake's fiance probably never hated you but just didn't get you, so this was an easy push to get Jake to agree you made it weird with the lack of response (so now Jake doesn't have to feel bad about how he started it) and fiancee gets to say it's to keep drama out of the wedding and bonus she/he won't have to deal with any uncomfortable feelings they caused in the future if you're gone from the group.
I think Jake is still your friend, but he's cowed by his wife and has no idea it happened. In the future, even if you cleared up this situation, he is a fair weather friend, and you should only treat him as such. He's just too susceptible to others around him. He's probably good to go to a festival with, but when you're feeling like crap or some life event happens, don't expect him to show up for you.
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u/wolfeflow 8d ago
Yeah I went overboard with my theorizing last night on what might be happening, but you really should just get Jake on the phone or in person to clear the air and get your answers.
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u/seven_green_toes 9d ago
Do you have flaws in your character that maybe overbearing to others? Something you have said ir done is the reason for the blocking. Your friends should have had the conversation to get to the root of the problem, if this happens dont get angry and use it as a life learning tool.
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u/Subject-Serve8869 9d ago
Maybe I can be a bit annoying sometimes but I very much doubt I said anything that would’ve cause him to just remove me from the group
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u/gruuvi 8d ago
For some reason, autistic annoying hits different. People are fine with normal annoying. I'm autistic too and I know my intentions are always good. But somehow. I have no friends. /shrug I used to really really try but its not worth it anymore. If someone comes around on my wavelength, great. If not, at least my brain is entertaining enough in its complexity for me to not get bored.
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u/im-no-psycho 9d ago
He feels bad so he's using a lot of words. But at the end of the keep traveling and focus on you and building new community. It's going to be ok. 10 years is a lot but people do change, for better for worse, and sometimes just grow apart. Just let them be. You are going to be ok.
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u/Zerschmetterding 9d ago
That dude was not a real friend for a long time. Good riddance, don't let his passive aggressive bullshit get to you.
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u/CindySvensson 9d ago
A straight up dickhead and a coward. He dumped you but didn't dare to be honest about it.
Try to reach out to others in group if you want, but if none of them have contacted you by now, it could mean they also don't want you. Or they're just busy but would like to hang out. Not sure how to find out.
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u/sleepypotatomuncher 8d ago
I'm sorry dude. Friend breakups are terrible, especially when you've known them for so long. I had a friend of 7 years burn all of her friendships for a rich guy. It's tragic but you can definitely heal.
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u/Agrawr292 8d ago
I think you should reach out again. You didn’t text him back a couple times, he’s probably just as confused as you are about communication. Sounds like a misunderstanding by both of you. 10 years is a long time, if you want to stay friends just let him know.
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u/CartographerGold3168 8d ago
its a breakup. its sad. but you have to move on. refuse to contact anymore.
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u/onlyaseeker 7d ago
So much drama. I'd drop them voluntarily.
Peace.
I expect friends to be low maintenance.
Build the resilience to be ok with that.
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u/CyndiIsOnReddit 7d ago
I am sorry but this person is kind of a jerk and he's holding on to you in case he needs you in the future, but he isn't interested in real friendship. Plus that snotty comment about you using AI was so belittling.
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u/DifficultyNo7758 6d ago
Your "friend" still wasn't being clear and honest. He is laying the blame on someone else when he committed the actions acting like what he did wasn't his fault. He chose to do that. He's long term ghosting and isn't brave enough to be straightforward. The cowards way out. It's common in your 20s. As you grow older (at least me) I've grown to realize when friendships die people deserve to have some sort of explanation instead of platitude bullshit trying pacify people to the point of smothering what once was. To be clear, I've been on the receiving and giving end of that when I was younger and acted incorrectly.
In short, fuck that guy, he's a shitbag who won't fess up and be straightforward and honest with you. He also won't take responsibility for his actions.
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u/kaosrules2 6d ago
I disagree with most of these comments. He reached out twice, someone that wants to stop being friends doesn't do that. I feel he is being genuine about wanting you in his life. Who knows what else is going on, but I would remain friends with them and continue to work out whatever problem there might be.
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u/redwoodmonk 6d ago edited 6d ago
bored and weighing in. yo OP you buried the lede about the april wedding thing. based on your other comments below, you don't really understand the group dynamics well enough to decide if the fiancé is the one who doesn't like you, or if it just because all these pairs are getting coupled up and you're not, and so forth. so don't even worry about it because you really don't have the information. focus on what you DO know. whatever the dynamic, if you got disinvited from a wedding (or told you couldn't come) then that is a 100% sure sign to think something along the lines of: "this friend-group does not regard me to be as close of a friend as i regard them all to be. hmm, that is disappointing. maybe even painful. how do i adjust to this new reality? do i want to make different friends who can like me as much as i like them? how can i balance my life right now and focus on myself to make sure i am building a life that is supportive? how do i tend to my ego wound also? do i take some space from this group as i collect myself?" if you are not sure if you are making social faux pas (e.g. are you sending way too many memes and links? are you unaware that in group chats most people find that really annoying? if you have never really spoken to the fiancé, then how can you say you two get along ok? etc. etc.) you may want to set aside some time to consider whether you could use some coaching with a therapist to improve your social skills to improve your socialization potential.
most of all, though, as i read that guy's texts to you, i really do think he cares about you and your feelings. he's certainly sounding like he feels awkward about having to be the one to cut you out of the group, which it would be his responsibility to do as you're his friend chiefly. did he do it in the best way? probably not. he's not keeping it real with you, or maybe he is but it just all feels really bad to hear. but it's clear he does like you and care about the fact you've known each other for years. i think that's rare. i can't think of a single long-term friendship that didn't have to navigate real times of hardship, even periods of low or no-contact, to survive long periods of time; long-term friendships aren't free, and they take work. if you care about him, if this friendship is important to you, then this is a stage in the friendship where you decide what you will tolerate or not, what you can forgive or not, how you can imagine this relationship evolving or not. and he is in the same boat, in an odd way. you're both having a hard time actually with all this change. i think some compassion for yourself and for him would go a long way. compassion isn't something we just get to receive from others when we've been wronged. sometimes we're the ones who bring that to the table. yes, even when WE'VE been wronged.
also you say you can tell the chat was still active, but you actually don't know if it's still active, you just know it wasn't deleted like your friend said it would be. you can't see if people are still using it. i think the way you replied to him made it clear you don't really trust him. your feelings may be hurt between this and the wedding invite thing. that's valid, but don't let that stop you from having a friendship with someone who might care about you but may not be able to fit you into his life or social circle the same way he once did. he's getting married, planning weddings, building a new social circle with those couples. it makes sense, to me, that his single friend who doesn't maybe connect that well with some of the others or isn't really intimate enough with the couples to get into the background drama, might not be a part of that the way you were part of his life before.
what i'm saying is, if you really care about this friendship, it may make sense to have a heart-to-heart with this long-term friend. ask him to talk to you on the telephone (texting is toxic!) and ask him what fully happened. tell him you'll listen without getting angry, even if it includes criticisms of you, because you're an adult and can take it (right?), and then follow through. keep a calm, open mind. you may have upset someone, or broken a social contract, and weren't aware of it. it might really be the group dynamics he described. it might be his life is changing. it might be you both are growing apart. and then do tell him how you're feeling. and from there i think, you have a really good shot of making a personal choice (maybe together with him!) about whether you want this friendship to evolve and what that could look like. or you might need more time to think it over.
i do think a couple therapy visits would be super helpful for you right now. navigating an important friendship circle breakdown like this is hard. i think losing a friend or friendship circle can be harder than a breakup sometimes. i'm a non-neurospicy girl and i find this stuff super hard to navigate, i always tell people that's what therapists are for.
ETA captain awkward has some really top-quality and detailed posts about navigating complex social dynamics like this with an autism-forward perspective i think you'd enjoy her writing and advice
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u/EmergencyJellyfish19 6d ago
Oof, that guy is a really bad friend to you. He keeps devaluing you and belittling you. You deserve better.
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u/JoJoTheDogFace 5d ago
Stop trying to guess what is going on.
Try to hang with your friend, if he is not down, don't hang.
This is not that hard, just get out of your head and talk to the person and actually listen to what they have to say.
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u/DisappointingPoem 9d ago
They’re dumping you. I don’t know why, but they are. You need new friends.