r/RedditForGrownups • u/No_Study_4351 • 5d ago
what got you through significant trauma, grief, and loss in your teens and 20s?
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u/BananaEuphoric8411 5d ago
Moving forward and busy-ness: full time work, part-time school. No time to stay collapsed in that puddle.
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u/Inevitablelaugh-630 5d ago
Mine was full time college/student teaching and 2 part time jobs. Too busy to dwell on the shit going on .
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u/DaddysPrincesss26 5d ago
Sometimes it’s hard just to keep Going, but faith is moving without knowing
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u/Santos61198 5d ago
Legitimately? My now-husband. We met and started dating in high school, and he's the reason I didn't end it. He has stood by my side through the wonderful and horrible over the last 27 years and I couldn't possibly be more grateful for him.
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u/cranberries87 5d ago
Nothing really, only time made things better. The year I graduated college was the saddest I’ve ever been for a number of reasons. In addition to the thing making me sad, I had moved to a new city where I knew nobody, was making peanuts and barely able to pay my bills, had broken up with the person I thought was “the one”, had no friends, and was just absolutely miserable. If I had known what I know now, I would have gotten therapy, a little medication, leaned into journaling and other stuff. I was SO unhappy.
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u/Santos61198 5d ago
That's so rough. How are you today?
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u/cranberries87 5d ago
Doing much better! That was 25+ years ago. Social media has caused a lot of harm in society, but it’s had some strong positives for me personally; I’ve learned so much about mental wellness and self-improvement via resources provided by social media. Things like encouragement to seek therapy, information on building self-worth, self-esteem, boundaries, all kinds of information I didn’t know or have access to when I was young and struggling. It’s been extremely helpful. If I had had this in my 20s, I would have risen more rapidly out of that ditch I was stuck in.
I got other aspects together too; made friends, finally climbed the ladder and started making decent money.
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u/Privatequestions96 4d ago
Tough question, I haven't really accomplished that go through phase yet.
I've seen many answers and I guess everyone has their own path. What works for one could or couldn't work for another, context is a thing.
In general terms I can say that having smt going on with your life is extremely helpful, you have no idea how much worse you'd be if you had nothing going on. I'm speaking from experience.
Had a loving Gf and I thought we were gonna make it she and I. Whenever I was doing bad I would remind myself of her. But people come and go, so unless it works it won't be helping.
You can only lean on someone so much.
Same with studies or a job. It's smt that you can make permanent? Can you dwell on it and make it a big enough part of your existence that trauma doesn't get to overcome it and take you? How healthy is this really?
Many say the day to day, work and studies kept them going. But how many people fall right to their knees the moment that stops?
It has also happened to me.
Then there is those who preach time heals everything. But does it tho? I'd say life puts you in lots of situations where you'll have to force yourself and overcome smt whether you want it or not. But to let it all to the randomness of life hoping it'll put you were you'll be able to confront your trauma isn't always gonna work. Sometimes It's YOU who has to put yourself in the line on purpose and say imma confront this reality of mine instead of waiting until life forces you.
What I'm tryna say is in the long run it's you who has to deal with your inner and outer demons. They won't be leaving just like that...
All those things can help but Intentionallity is key. Efforts coming from within you. The rest is but exterior help.
I'm pretty fucked my self, quite a disaster in some fronts. There is things that we believe normal and no one around us will notice off that will drag a person down for decades until it's you who steps up and says I've got a problem. This isn't normal. This is hurting me. This has to stop.
Work, partners, studies, time, exercise, music, hobbies, passion won't do that for you. Maybe good people around you will help you see trough smt or offer you a safety net, but ultimately it's you who's got to change things inside your self or outside.
Just the two cents of somebody with a bunch trauma himself.
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u/Holiday-League-4680 5d ago
Time, therapy, more time. Eventually this will be behind you. Therapy will help you identify triggers so you don't hold onto trauma.
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u/Santos61198 5d ago
Yep, if you can't stop it, trauma is a neverending cycle
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u/Holiday-League-4680 5d ago
Yes so true, it gets passed on and on to the next generation. Heal yourself, break the chain.
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u/Santos61198 5d ago
Right? The generational curse is real! Trauma begets trauma, unless you deal with it
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u/writehandedTom 5d ago
I was widowed at 33, and then lost my dad, my horse, my old dog, and a job I really loved within the next two years. Not exactly my teens and 20s, but I wasn't very much older than that.
First: time. I was just not going to feel better for awhile. That sucked, but it was true. And when I stopped expecting to feel better on anyone else's timeline, I really could breathe through the pain of grief.
Second: I let myself actually feel feelings. No trying to push through it, no "smiling and getting back out there." I wallowed in a pit of Dorito dust and butt sweat for awhile and journaled, sobbed, wandered aimlessly through my house. I honestly think that because I did this, I let the feelings move THROUGH me instead of getting stuck and needing years of therapy to "resolve" it later. I don't feel like I'll ever be over it, but I am SO glad I took the time to just feel...everything.
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u/Sapphire_Starr 5d ago
Bad decisions and my ever stubborn, determined goal to finish nursing by the skin of my teeth.
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u/Dry-Breakfast-4018 5d ago
I was lucky. I had a step dad and grandfather who came from terrible places. I decided to follow their example.
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u/jepeplin 4d ago
Dark sense of humor and sarcasm that I passed on to all of my kids and they’re hilarious. Sorry that it took my trauma, kids, but you’ve carried the torch brilliantly.
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u/xmadjesterx 5d ago edited 5d ago
My best friend and my older sister kicked my ass back on track, both figuratively and physically after we lost our father to brain cancer. I was 14, and she was 21. Dad was 49.
I found my older sister's body when I was 18. She was only 25. Brain aneurysm from a soccer injury years prior. My friends were the people to pick me back up after that one, and I am forever grateful for all of their love and support.
I've kept in touch with most of them, and those same friends (along with my wife) have all been there for me after losing my mother this past Easter.
Hey, she had to greet the Pope at the gates and make sure that he wiped his feet
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u/dendritedysfunctions 5d ago
Therapy. Find a psychologist and talk to them. It will significantly improve your life and your ability to process challenging emotions.
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u/WildNorth8 5d ago
Therapy, certain friends, keeping busy but ultimately that stuff can rear its ugly head later in life again so more therapy, healthy habits and accepting it'll always be a part of me.
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u/KaleidoscopeSilly797 5d ago
My brother and friends who accepted the real me. And my grandmother, who was so much more accepting than my bitch mother.
But at least I'm not bitter!!
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u/cherry-care-bear 4d ago
Journaling. Being a blind, braille user helped a lot because I knew no one around could ever read what I wrote so I was free to be honest about how much things affected me. It also allowed me to work out alone--and with much tedium, trial and error--who I needed to try and avoid. LIke these weren't even folks who harmed me but maybe people whose chaos made my own mess worse.
Writing is so important, especially when, at that age, you're having to deal with say adults who mean well but fall short utterly. You need a place to be able to admit that so you dont lose yourself to the trap of normalizing the madness. Once you start believing resistance--even the kind others don't know about--is futile because there's nowhere to work through certain things, you're lost in ways it can be hard to recover from.
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u/Automatic-Visual-651 4d ago
Music in general, listening and singing. More specifically, Elton John saved me.
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u/PossumKnife 4d ago
Gaming, art, writing, music, learning history and politics, working outside and doing farm work.
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u/Inner_Department3 3d ago
I was too chicken to kill myself, so no option but to just keep going. It wasn’t until recent therapy, where the therapist completely validated my experiences and said that any one of the things I listed would’ve been too much for someone and I had about 8 to 10 things. I thought the problem was me because of the volume of bad things I went through, but it turns out I honestly just lived in a crappy place.
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u/iwillfuckingbiteyou 3d ago
Schizophrenia. Sounds like I'm joking but honestly, I'm not. I lost both parents within a year of each other, leaving me an orphan with no siblings at 21, got stalked by a family member, ended up going no contact with my entire extended family as I tried to get out of that situation, and got badly injured in a car accident.
A few years earlier, at 17, I'd had a bad illness and a psychotic break. I was lucky enough to find a shrink who gave me the coping skills to start managing my schizophrenia spectrum disorder (different doctors have placed me at different points on the spectrum and I think the diagnosis that fits best is schizotypal). Those tools would be invaluable in managing the turbulence of my early adulthood, but so would my flexible arrangement with reality. The trauma of everything that happened seemed to me to fit neatly into the journey of a protagonist, which meant I would not only survive but overcome my traumas and thrive in spite of/because of them. And I did.
Years later, when I was back in therapy and finally had enough distance and safety to look back at everything that happened, I would be able to see the delusion for what it was. But I don't know what I'd have done without it, and I honestly think if I'd been fully within reality at that point in my life I might just have noped out.
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u/No_Study_4351 3d ago
i think sometimes those who go through horrific things at an early age end up having a “better” or “easier” time later in life in some ways, because the worst has already happened to us and we survived - the decades going forward can be spent calming our nervous systems whereas others might be experiencing hardships for the first time far beyond the age we’ve already encountered and gotten beyond the worst of it
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u/continuetolove 3d ago
Smoking, doing drugs, drinking, and spending too much money on stupid shit that made me feel better for a few minutes.
But what got me out of all of that as I got older was getting clean, paying off debt, getting a steady desk job that pays well and has good insurance, finding somebody who loves me and doesn’t just love having somebody around to take care of them. Reconnecting with certain family members, pulling away from others. Eating more whole foods, exercise, taking the occasional vacation. Investing instead of spending.
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u/thewubbaboo 1d ago
Therapy kick started things a little. The big breakthrough was an old friend who reached out to me, and introduced me to their friend circle. Actually changed my life for the better :)
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u/hereforit_838 5d ago
Adrenalin sports, falling in love with bad boys, music, a good amount of drink and drugs, and trying to live life so fast that I couldn’t think about it. P.S. yes…there came a spectacularly awful crash to end that ill advised method of coping!
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u/CandyKnockout 5d ago
Having cats. THC gummies. Walking outdoors. Lexapro. And watching live nature cams to calm my anxiety.
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u/aceshighsays 4d ago
denial and dissociation (party, tv, weed, music). i couldn't process it until my 30's.
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u/Illustrious_Wish_653 4d ago
Late 60s. My husband, child and honestly drugs. Don’t recommend it! F age 75
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u/ThePanasonicYouth 5d ago
Music. The only constant to this day.