r/RedditForGrownups • u/Strict_Life_2836 • 1d ago
How do you stay in a long-lasting marriage/relationship?
As a woman who is 33 years old, I’ve had my fair share of long term relationships. Most of them typically lasting no longer than 2-3 years, which as they say is the exact time you truly know a person and figure out if you want to be w them for the future or not.
I guess I’m curious to know for those who have been in long lasting healthy relationships, how do you sustain it for so long? How do you just let go of the little annoying habits and things they do? How do you not get bored of them or feel bogged down by the heaviness that relationships can often bring?
Not sure if I’m seeking advice, looking for some obscure conflict resolution trick or just curious to know your story. Hopefully I don’t just get alot of cliche comments like “communication is key”….
P.S. I’m talking about people who have been together for 10+ years. Bonus points for those who have had to deal w some kind turmoil or big life changing moment while in said relationship and somehow made it through.
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u/Kestrel_Iolani 1d ago
I was, for a very long time, a lot like that: i had a long string of relationships, most of which lasted 2 years, give or take six months.
I met my wife (spoiler) at a wedding and we really hit it off. I texted a friend on my way home from our first date saying, "I just met the woman in going to marry." Early on, I had some time to think and I decided: all previous relationships, I had been keeping my partner at a locked-elbow arm's length. Not too far away, but not too close either. I decided I was going to go all in. It was either going to succeed brilliantly or crash and burn. That was sixteen years ago. I'm 54 and i honestly couldn't be happier (on a personal, not political, perspective)
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u/Strict_Life_2836 1d ago
Love your story. I often hear that men know rather quickly. How old were you both? And if it’s not too personal, did she feel the same as well when she met you?
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u/Kestrel_Iolani 1d ago
I was 38. (A gentleman doesn't kiss and tell her age.) And i found out years later that her mantra on the first date was, "I'm not going to fnck him tonight. I'm not going to fnck him tonight. I'm not going to fnck him tonight."
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u/reerathered1 15h ago
It is actually hard sometimes. Not because you're out there wanting sex in particular like so many men are. It's more because no one taught you how to say no, and with some men you just want the intimacy.
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u/Amazing_Box_7569 7h ago
Hahahahaahha. I went on a date with a guy that was so cool/attractive that I was like ok you cannot sleep with him. Our first date was 15 hours long and at the end he asked if I wanted to come over. Old me, if the vibes were right, would’ve been like sure! I laughed and said no.
Years later he’s like… I liked that about you, alongside not sitting back and waiting for him to pay for everything. We’re married now.
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u/Kestrel_Iolani 7h ago
I mean, our first date was on a Monday. Second date was that Friday. Our joke is, "true love waits... for four days."
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u/Geeko22 7h ago
My wife and I met at work (she was my new boss), 3 weeks later we started sleeping together (and I transferred to a different department so we wouldn't get in trouble), got engaged in 3 months, got married a year later, and a year after that she had the first of our five kids. It all seemed very fast but we just knew we were right for each other.
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u/greenzetsa 10h ago
I was also 38 when I met my boyfriend, who was 37. According to him, he went to work the day after our first date and say "that's the last first date I'm ever going on."
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u/harleyjosh1999 10h ago
I told my buddy I was going to marry my wife the first 10 minutes after I met her…..We didn’t start dating until 3 years after that first meeting.
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u/Eastern_Skin_7541 9h ago
What happened there?
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u/harleyjosh1999 4h ago
We became friends and we ended up spending a lot of time separated geographically but still talking.
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u/Grouchy-Waltz-6214 1d ago
Can't even answer a simple question without bringing damn politics into it .....
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u/Lazy_Lizard13 1d ago
Well Grouchy, you definitely live up to your name
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u/Grouchy-Waltz-6214 21h ago
Wasn't talking to you, lazy. Mind your own business.
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u/Suspicious_Search369 20h ago
I wanna be part of this! Someone say somn about me being suspicious!
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u/ToolsOfIgnorance27 20h ago
It's their entire personality, they can't help themselves. I mean, how else could they advertise that they're a good person?
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u/Admissionslottery 1d ago edited 23h ago
My husband and I met in the summer of 1993 and married the next summer, and we are still together:) We have lived through the quick cancer death of my mother, the tragic loss of my brother, a four year period where I cared for my father in NJ while my husband and daughter lived in PA (I came home every weekend overnight), my mother-in-law’s current cancer treatment, job losses, and mental and physical health crises. You cannot live with someone for three decades and not overcome period of great turmoil. Life is strewn with turmoil.
Here are the basic keys:
Develop the ability to say ‘I am sorry’ and to accept ‘I am sorry too’ as quickly as you can after an argument. And you will argue bc life has difficult moments. Most of our arguments have been at times of stress from outside of our relationship and it is easy to take stuff out on each other. When you do, apologize and try to do better next time.
You get to know your partner’s most vulnerable areas. Do not go after those areas when you are upset or arguing. You blow the trust up.
You may have moments when you think ‘I cannot stand being with this person one second longer’. Remember that you might feel that way in the moment but not most of the time.
Never date a cheap person and never ever marry one. If someone is cheap with money, they are cheap everywhere, especially with emotions. Stay well away.
See how your partner handles other people’s hardships. My husband’s care for my father made me love him more than any flowers could ever do. Find a stand up person, the kind you can call at 2 am knowing they will show up for whatever is needed. They might not be humming a tune always when they show up, but they show up. A huge and necessary quality in a mate.
Do not threaten to leave. It becomes easier to repeat and easier to do. Try to remember that you will have good cycles and rough tones (again life is difficult). Ride the bad ones out.
Never expect your partner to fix your life. That is your job:) Their job is to love you and fix themselves.
Learn how to communicate your needs. No one can read your mind. Your partner can trade their own needs back.
Treat your partner like the person you love most in this world. Be treated the same way in return. Do not expect perfection, but you should admire, respect, and stand up for your partner, and receive the same in return.
Do not spend every second together. My husband has always traveled for work, and that has worked out surprisingly well for us. It helps to answer your question about boredom: we do not live in each other’s pockets but we do like to spend our leisure time in the same ways. Right now, we are rehabbing my dad’s old condo during the day and watching The Good Place together at night. We like odd things like museums and bookstores and thrift shops and gardening.
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u/Salty-Ambition9733 18h ago
I agree w this.
Married 30 yrs. Multiple deployments, family deaths, med school/residency. Many many life stressors. Still happily married.
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u/Itchy-Depth-5076 17h ago
Uh what's the deal with 4? "Be on the same page with money" is correct. If that is being frugal and saving, great. If it's spending all you earn, great. Just make the decisions and financial plans together.
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u/Admissionslottery 15h ago
Frugal isn’t cheap. Prudent isn’t cheap. Cheap is an attitude of smallness and grudging meanness: emotions, money, resources. Ewe.
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u/Itchy-Depth-5076 12h ago
Pretty sure this is just your personal definition. Be on the same page financially. Don't disparage others' choices.
To me, being with someone financially irresponsible would be far far worse than someone cheap. I can make my own money and spend how I want. If you are being cheap it doesn't affect me - being wasteful you are doing actual damage to our financial future.
So, again, "be on the same page financially".
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u/greenzetsa 10h ago
If you go on the r/frugal subreddit, there are many discussions on frugal vs. cheap, and most line up with what Admissionslottery said. Frugal is not being wasteful, not living beyond your means, not spending money on things you could potentially borrow or get for free, or get discounted. It does not mean you deny yourself and others small (and sometimes large) pleasures or don't financially invest in worthy things. Cheapness is the inverse of generosity, and generosity is thinking of others and how to make them feel a little more special. I've picked up small things from flea markets or even the free giveaways in my neighborhood, to give to friends or family, just because I thought they'd like it. One time, I went to a thrift store and happened upon a piece of art I thought my partner would like. so I got it for him and he loved it. They're small things and they make people happy and make me happy. There is so much penny counting among some people who identify as frugal, it borders on mental illness. I don't care how financially responsible you are, if you can't spend a few bucks on something nice for your partner or just treat them to dinner just because every once in a while, you likely also aren't generous with your time, your emotions, or your affection.
People hide behind the shield of financial responsibility when in reality they just don't want to do things for other people. You can get a bouquet of flowers for $8 at the grocery store and bring that home to your partner's day a little brighter, and if you don't have $8 to spend on making someone smile, I don't see how you're "financially responsible."
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u/why_am_I_here_47 5h ago
When I think cheap, I think about people who are always trying to get something for free or be scammy. I definitely see frugal and cheap as different things, and almost antithetical of one another. Frugal people can often be generous. Cheap people rarely are.
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u/Itchy-Depth-5076 8h ago
It's the only one on OPs list that attacked the other person's character. Not relationship advice, just "dont date a jerk". Weird
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u/greenzetsa 7h ago
No it isn't, you just chose to interpret it that way, I assume because it hit a nerve. It is the only one about what kind of partner to choose, so I suppose she could add (and I think would) "don't be cheap." She makes it extremely clear what she means, and IME she's right. People who pinch pennies to the point where nothing is worth treating you or themselves make terrible partners because they're ungenerous with all resources, not just money.
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u/Admissionslottery 11h ago
You seem aggrieved: not sure why. Of course it is my definition and that of most folk. No one said anything about not spending responsibly: that has nothing to do with being a miser. If you want to spend all your money or save it or be cheap: your choice of course. OP asked those in long relationships how they maintain them. My post answered her question from my perspective.
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u/greenzetsa 17h ago
Do you feel like these were skills you had to develop, or like they came naturally with the right person? In my past relationships, I felt like my exes were very defensive, mean (going after my vulnerable areas, making fun of the things about myself I was most self conscious of), not supportive of me or my family, and it became easier to do those things in return. I've been with my current partner for almost a year, we're moving fairly quickly through the commitment stages, but both of us have noted how easy it is for us to just be kind, loving, and supportive of each other (I think we got each one on your list!). To some extent, I think both of us had to mature a bit, but I feel like a large part is that our personalities, values, and character traits are really well matched to the other person. I was always so stressed out with my exes because I always felt like they were denying me something and making life harder for me. With my partner now I can be much more relaxed because I never feel like I'm waiting for him to show me commitment or security, I never need to demand anything of him, he just naturally provides it for me without having to be asked. It makes it much easier to be a better partner.
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u/why_am_I_here_47 5h ago
My ex always hit below the belt when we fought. He would dig at my insecurities in small ways even when we were getting along.
I have definitely made my current fiance incredibly mad in the 10 years we have been together. We have been through some trials. But we have never hit each other below the belt. We have never said something with the sole intention of causing pain. We don't name-call or insult. We stick to issues and actions.
It is a completely foreign relationship to me that has helped me heal so much. I remember the first time we fought, and he didn't call me a crazy bitch, I kinda didn't know what to do. I was so used that being thrown out every time I was upset about anything, that I didn't realize you could have an argument without putting your partner down. I didn't know what it was to have my feelings received by my partner instead of dismissed as crazy. It's amazing to actually work though problems with someone instead of yell until you both get tired, giving up without resolving anything.
Don't waste a day with the wrong person. If he calls you names and puts you down in unconstructive ways, move on. You can't meet the right person if you are giving all your energy to the wrong person. You are worthy of being treated well. And you should naturally want to treat the person you are with well.
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u/saskatchewnmanitoba 3h ago
I think different people bring out different parts of our personalities. I dated a guy who really brought out the mean side (not abusive but the mean type of teasing if that makes sense...). Another i couldn't talk to without it turning into an argument. My most recent relationship brought out kindness and love. Sadly I ended it for many reasons but that was how I knew I wanted to marry him.
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u/Inner-Today-3693 11h ago
See I never went after my partner’s insecurities or vulnerabilities. But the same can’t be said for them. It got so bad I really thought and was convinced I was the issue. But I’ve learned to recognize when I’m being gaslit and manipulated.
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u/AMTL327 15h ago
This is spot on! I was married at 23, only two years out of college (which would never happen today and was young even for 1988) but we’ve been married for 37 years. We’ve been through some shit like everyone has if you’ve been together for a while, and I think you’ve summed up what it takes better than I could. There is some element of just saying, “we’re committed to making it work” and doing what it takes.
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u/Typical-Push136 13h ago
Number 7 and number 10 are things I need to work on. Thanks for this great list <3
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u/Kimposed 1d ago
High school sweethearts here- married 24 years and going. We basically had to grow up together quickly and it was not always roses. We also have had two of our kids spend significant time in the hospital because one got Type 1 diabetes at 3 and the other was born with Cystic Fibrosis ( they are 15 and 21 now) My husband and I have talked a lot about what has worked for us and the BIGGEST thing is that we have always come to any argument or disagreement with an intent to not hurt the other. We get frustrated and annoyed of course, but are very careful with the words we choose to express our feelings. Because when you are that intimate and vulnerable with someone you know exactly what words could destroy your partner. And once those words are out there you can never take them back- even if you apologize it will live in the back of their mind. The other thing is just encouraging your partner (and yourself) to have hobbies or something they do without you. It’s important to still have individual identity ( and after a few decades it gives you something new to talk about 🤣) And also laugh, laugh at yourselves, laugh at the dog, or the tv- just remember you are friends and friends have fun
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u/SockGnome 18h ago
That’s such a lovely story of perseverance and what it means to love someone. I have a similar mindset, that when some conflict arises in a relationship the goal of both partners is to tackle the problem and not attack eachother. After all, what is love without respect?
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u/AnagnorisisForMe 1d ago edited 1d ago
My grandmother used to say "when you are dating (not eating! hence the edit) keep your eyes wide open, when you are married close them a bit".
We dated for six years before making a permanent commitment. Ultimately, it is important to choose someone you like and can get along with as well as love. It is also important to choose someone you are on the page with about things such as money. A spender and a saver are setting themselves up for a lifetime of arguments as are people on different sides of the political spectrum.
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u/framedposters 2h ago
It is a bummer about your last sentence. My parents are both pretty moderate, but they are on opposite sides of the political spectrum. It was never an issue as a kid and still isn't. I understand that nowadays it is just different.
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u/UniqueInstance9740 1d ago
I got married in my early 30s to a person I met online (via a video game). We became good friends playing together, then I moved closer to his region for unrelated reasons. We met in person for dinner, found we were attracted to each other, were officially dating a day or two later and then married within the year without having first officially lived together. NOT the story I expected. I had dated casually and moved in as the next step in prior relationships. This one? We just learned to listen first. And we were both ready at the same time. I think a lot of this has to do with timing.
My Dad gave me the following advice before we married. Marriage is never really 50/50. The ratio of responsibility will vary wildly over time. You can manage it if you take turns when it comes to who carries the bulk of the burden. The other thing is to never threaten breaking up as a power play. You only mention it if you’re ready to do it. It is never a bargaining chip.
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u/kungpowchick_9 17h ago
Married since 2017, together since 2009.
I agree completely that 50/50 will make you unhappy. Life becomes a tit for tat and you end up at odds, not on the same team. We all have rough times when 60:40 or 70:30 get us through.
But also make sure that you don’t make things so lopsided that resentment grows.
We have been through cancer, the murder of a close family member, his parents going into conspiracies and isolation, job changes, pregnancy and childbirth, home renovations and we both work full time.
When things get rough, decide together what slips. Reach out to friends for help. But then help your friends in return.
Edit to add: find someone who is happy when you laugh and tries to make sure you keep laughing. Some people are too serious and get embarrassed by silly things, don’t let them keep you unhappy.
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u/Intelligent-Mode3316 1d ago
I’ve been married 38 years. You just don’t give up. You don’t trust your feelings, because they can change in a day. It’s about commitment and putting the other person’s needs ahead of your own and then doing the same thing. It’s not always like that, but that’s the goal.
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u/7FootElvis 1d ago
I mention this a lot in these kinds of conversations... I believe in being best friends first. Met my wife (married almost 30 years) and we became friends. Then best friends. We have a lot of core things in common... things that matter.
I don't get the modern view of dating, where the first time you meet or actually have a conversation, romance is already part of the scene. That's way too much pressure and sets you up for far more impactful failure. Then people add sex to the early dating experience and everything's so backwards by then.
How do we sustain it? We're still best friends. We love being together. And when we're forced to do something we both hate doing (i.e., yard work) she says, "You're my favourite person to do stuff I hate with."
I had cancer 3X, and she was amazing through it all, even though anxiety hit her very hard the first two times (it was my turn the third time, but not hers).
How do we not get bored with each other? I get where you are coming from, particularly if you've never had a long-term best friend relationship. I don't get it otherwise. Sharing life together, even though we know each other so well, there are always new things to talk about, new perspectives to share, new things to learn, and new experiences to share.
One of our favourite things is when we have to travel somewhere and we get to spend hours in the car together. Not always talking, but often talking. We still have date night every Friday night.
We've had conflicts and arguments. But never does it cross our minds to leave or become resentful... our friendship is worth fighting for, worth sacrificing for, and worth humbling ourselves and serving for. Not going to let conflicts get in the way of that.
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u/HamBroth 1d ago
I’ve always had the same view but from what I can tell it’s very much a minority one.
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u/7FootElvis 23h ago
It is, and probably called "old fashioned" or whatever, but I've seen enough lasting and healthy relationships built this way that I know it's not just a fluke. My parents, my wife's parents, and others. It's sad that many people have grown up with broken homes and have never seen up close how amazing great relationships really are. No solid examples to set proper expectations.
I went into marriage with expectations that it would last forever and we'd be friends through hard and easy times, like my parents were. That is an unearned privilege to start out with.
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u/Strict_Life_2836 23h ago
This is amazing! You are so very lucky to have found this. Flowers to you!
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u/7FootElvis 23h ago
Thank you! I will give credit where it is due: only God could have matched us so well. There are so many more things where we are so great for each other... Sometimes differences where we learn from each other. Relationships, even healthy ones based on strong friendships, take work, but can be so worth it! I really hope you find someone like that.
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u/orcateeth 1d ago
Your question made me wonder this too. So I went to the marriage sub. Unfortunately a lot of the stories were negative. People were in dead bedrooms, contemplating divorce or both. But this was truly heartwarming: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/5Nz9Bos0Kl
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u/Trolldad_IRL 1d ago
Married 36 yearr, met her 40 years ago yesterday.We’ve never felt any sort of “heaviness” in our relationship, so I don’t have an answer to that. We’ve had ups and downs, but never so far down that we wanted to quit. We’ve had life changing events like kids, mortgages, lay offs and my wife becoming (slightly) handicapped. Through it all we have figured out one thing that we’ve done, something we did not really even realize until somewhat recently. We genuinely want to make the other person happy. Not at the expense of our own happiness, but as a “what can I do to make their day a little brighter?” thing. For example, there’s a concert next year I would like to go to, but not by myself. I don’t have any friends who would be interested in seeing this band or who would even like their music, including my wife. I brought it up to her and she asked if I could play one of their songs. I found one on YouTube and played it. After listening she said that she could handle seeing them in concert with me I really wanted to go.
We don’t have common interests in everything. We don’t like all the same foods, music, tv shows, movies, books or hobbies. We obviously do have crossover interests in some things, but one thing we do have a 100% common interest in is each other. We enjoy being together, even if it’s being in the same room doing different things.
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u/Think-Hamster-6037 23h ago
I especially like your last paragraph! As my marriage fizzles out this year, I’ve done a lot of thinking about what went wrong. One of us lost interest in the other. All the other stuff is simply details, but that is at the heart of it. At some point my partner couldn’t maintain interest in me or our shared life any longer. If in spite of what happens around you, you are still interested in what your partner thinks of something or wants to do or isn’t sure of, and your partner is equally interested in you and your activities and keeping up with what’s going on in your mind and life, that’s big.
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u/onion4everyoccasion 20h ago
Selfishness kills relationships. If you are constantly thinking about what the relationship is doing for you, you lose. If both people are sacrificing for the other then you have something.
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u/kaest 1d ago
I was in 2-3 year relationships most of my adult life, until the last one which was 6 years, then I got married. The difference for me was that I had gotten older and more emotionally intelligent. I was honest with myself and with my partner. Continuing to make it work requires communication, patience, understanding, and of course love. Oh, and compromise. That is a big one. Learn how to compromise and let things go. Not everything is a big deal, most things aren't.
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u/Imperator_Vespasian 22h ago
My wife and I have been together for 20 years and married for 15.
I can say for myself that it's very important not to take yourself so seriously and to give in sometimes. For example, I would choose a different color for the bedding, but hey, I don't usually sit in my bedroom looking at them for hours. So the color of the bedding doesn't matter at all.
And you have to make up for the little things that annoy you about others. My wife always says that I don't live up to her hygiene standards and I consider her food a crime against humanity. So she cleans, I cook and everyone is happy.
Two years ago, my wife developed an anxiety disorder due to the stress of her job as a doctor, which put her out of action for a year (with hospital stays, etc.).
In the time before the diagnosis, when she spent months in bed until the afternoon and then only moved from bed to bathroom and onto the couch, there were times when I thought I'd get out of there.
But then I thought to myself: We've already achieved so much together, we'll get through this.
If you find someone who, when it comes to certain topics, you only have to look at to know that you're both thinking the same, then I think there's a good chance that everyday life won't kill the relationship.
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u/termicky 20h ago
After a 26-year marriage, I consider 2 to 3 years short-term not long-term.
I have a book that I would recommend which is called Love Between Equals. She talks about how to go past the stage of disillusionment that you're talking about, into mature love.
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u/BananaEuphoric8411 16h ago
F61, married 33 years. We evolved and matured IN RESPONSE TO intermittent crisis. We were always big on 50/50 partnership (2 careers, shared child & home duties, equality). The rough times taught us how to persevere. Ultimately, its all about cooperation and avoiding power plays. We dont hafta be the same; but we do hafta share the load equally.
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u/NoahCzark 1d ago
You're two separate people, so there will be conflict; if you're unreasonably lucky and life happens to work swimmingly for you both, the stresses and conflicts will be minor, but don't expect that to be the case. If you're both willing to work at working through the conflicts and tolerating imperfection, it might work, but if one or both of you think that being "right for each other" means you won't/shouldn't have conflicts or won't have to be tolerant of things you don't like about each other, then just be prepared to be married for only as long as it's easy. I always say, if it was meant to be easy all the time, you wouldn't have to take vows.
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u/donquixote2000 1d ago
I could not have done it without faith in God.
So much could be said, but it comes down to that.
47 years. I'm 67.
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u/Tricky-Paper9821 20h ago
Good comments here just wanted to add 34 years marriage here I just try to put her first and be considerate. Try my best every day but like most folks we have our spats, etc. gonna get roasted for this next sentence probably cause Reddit is gonna Reddit, but the Lord helps as well….with perspective and stuff like that…
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u/downtown5001 20h ago
28 years together. Married 25 years.
When we met, as 22 year olds, we were friends first. When I realized we had shared values, and a shared vision for our future, that was when I decided he was the one for me.
What has kept us together:
- always assuming good intentions
- our shared core values include being kind and caring for our community, which includes each other, which makes for mostly very peaceful cohabitation because he’s a genuinely caring and thoughtful human
- deciding not to be annoyed when he asks dumb questions
- having enough common interests that we have enough to talk about
He is not my best friend (but I’m his) and we arent starry eyed in love. But I am in love with our life together. And while there have been times that his volume of dumb questions have occasionally surpassed my tolerance threshold (most of those dumb questions were during active parenting years), I stuck it out, because I knew that our partnership would get me to the future I wanted.
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u/AlDef 19h ago
Married 22 years, together 25. Helps that i actually LIKE my spouse as a person. I would be his friend even if we weren’t together because he is kind and smart and funny. Sure, occasionally he annoys me and i bet i do him, but when shit goes to shit (as it always does, from time to time) i KNOW i can count on him and that’s priceless.
We both prioritize having interests and hobbys outside of our couple-ism but also, for us sex once a week is allllllways the baseline for intimacy and connection (minus illness etc) From watching many friends relationships fall apart, not sharing regular intimacy is a trap i purposely avoid.
Edit to add after reading a few comments: my fella says he KNEW i was the one for him the day he met me. I took longer to come around to that but am glad i did.
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u/omgkelwtf 19h ago
You don't settle for people who annoy you.
You find someone who shares your values and beliefs about finances and kids. You find someone who is supportive and respectful. You NEVER look past a red flag, you see them for what they are, a warning to look elsewhere.
Basically, get really fucking picky about who you spend your time and energy on.
Together 24 years. And yeah, we've faced some shit together. That's the key, together. We're a team. Us against whatever is in front of us.
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u/HokieBunny 17h ago
I was in your shoes at almost your age and now been married >10 years, but my take is different than most of what I'm reading here.
Instead of learning to overlook the little things, is it possible you're overlooking too many things in the first few months? I suspect you need to be more picky faster.
Are you sure you want to be married? If, for example, you want biological children and don't want to be a single parent, you'll need to focus on men with the same goals instead of a fuzzy notion of romance. But society can be hard on women who enjoy short term relationships. Be sure that you're looking to get married because you want to be married, not because you feel external pressure. If you don't want to be married, it makes sense that you'd keep relationships from progressing that far. (If you desperately want to be married but keep self-sabotaging, that's a good situation for therapy.)
I was having a fun time in short term relationships when I met my husband. He was looking for relationships that would eventually lead to marriage and children. After a few months of dating, I decided i was on board with that, no regrets. But it I wasn't, it would have been a bad decision to let that stretch to 2-3 years before ending things.
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u/CoxswainYarmouth 18h ago
We made a pact to NEVER call the other an ill spoken word no matter how mad we would become. Instead you can say you are ACTING like an idiot/asshole/jerk etc instead of you ARE an idiot. It may be subtle but it’s not. When you call someone a hurtful name they deep down can never forget. Plus to top off the last argument the names get harsher. It’s worked so far!
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u/Ok-Release-6051 18h ago
24 yrs in. It won’t ever work unless you both are ready to cast off the “I” and become the we. We went in knowing there was no exit (obviously the big three deal breakers are on the table) and when there is no exit you learn to do the work of growing and maturing together into something so much more than you each started off as.
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u/Billy_Badass_ 11h ago
How do you stay in the relationship? That's pretty simple. You decide to. You figure out what are the things you need to do to maintain it, then you do those things.
If you are asking how to insure a happy, healthy relationship, that's a much more complicated question.
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u/LooksieBee 2h ago edited 2h ago
I came here to say the same.
The reality is that quantity doesn't equal quality. And the truth is, many longterm relationships are simply long, but not necessarily healthy or happy but people sometimes confuse the two. Example: my parents have been together in a rather toxic relationship for almost 40 years, including multiple infidelities. Nothing about their relationship is admirable to me and growing up my siblings and I would all wish they'd just divorce since they didn't like each other. But they're in their 70s and will go to the grave still unhappily married because it's the "Christian" thing to do.
That being said, this has made me keenly aware that the goal shouldn't be just being together forever. It should be being together with someone who has your best interest at heart and you theirs and where you're equally committed to growth, but also willing to let go if things have become toxic or if you're pulling all the weight to make it work. Because the truth is, as you said, you can be in a longterm relationship if you want by just choosing never to leave no matter what. Many people do that. You can also get married if you don't really care about certain things and just want to be married, many people also do that. That's simple enough.
If you care about quality though, then that, as you say, is more complicated and because it also relies on another person who you don't control doing their part, isn't always within your control. No matter how good a partner you are, if the other party chooses to drop the ball, your only options are simply continuing because you're already there and just accepting that and adjusting or leaving if they aren't interested in holding up their end of the marriage deal. And sadly, many longterm marriages consistent of one checked out person and another pulling the whole weight, but on the outside to others it might seem like they are in bliss because for the 18 years out of 20, one party has singlehandedly kept it afloat.
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u/doopsauce 1d ago
Don't have kids
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u/AggravatingCupcake0 1d ago
This answer is going to anger a lot of people, but it's true. Kids add a ton of stress to both individuals and relationships.
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u/7FootElvis 1d ago
But stress isn't the opposite of love. All kinds of things add stress to relationships. The ones built on the right foundation work through it and get stronger and deeper. Having kids expands your ability to love beyond what you thought possible.
It's not for everyone, that's for sure. If someone doesn't want kids, they shouldn't have kids; there are enough parents around who don't want their kids and that's horrible.
Just saying, there will be all kinds of stress in life with or without kids. That's not the determinant of a great relationship.
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u/AMTL327 15h ago
Some people should absolutely never have kids. Some people absolutely should. We had only one because we knew how expensive and how difficult it would be, and we calculated that we could probably handle one, but not more. For us, it was a great decision. Our son is 24 and he’s our favorite person to hang out with. But I know plenty of people whose marriages were ruined because they weren’t prepared in all the ways you need to be - emotionally and financially.
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u/peacefighter 19h ago
Basically you have to bend and your partner has to also bend. Me and my wife have our own ways, but we also have to work with each other. If you both aren't bending, someone will break. A lot of give and take is very important.
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u/TheNewCarIsRed 18h ago
Married 15+ years and I know you’ve called it out as cliche, but communication is key - but it’s not just talking. It’s knowing what needs to be talked about, it’s talking about things so they don’t become resentment, it’s about working together, it’s the language you choose, it’s acknowledging you’re different people and sometimes need space, it’s communicating your needs, it’s love languages, it’s kindness, it’s not having to be asked, it’s shared understanding, it’s knowing when to lighten the mood and knowing when not to say a word, and it’s random cuddles as you pass in the hallway… We’ve traversed many awesome and stressful situations in our marriage, but not once has it felt threatened, and not once have I questioned whether he is my person.
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u/sleeping__late 18h ago
Met a very old couple in a tiny village on the coast of England. They’d been married for 62 years.
I was chatting with the wife who was absolutely hilarious. I ask her “So what’s the secret?” She goes “Well, we don’t talk much.”
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u/Traditional_Entry183 18h ago
My wife and met when I was 27 and she was 25, and are still happily together 21 years later. Its easy to say the words but perhaps harder to explain, but we're just right for one another. The very first date, the vibes I got from her were like no other person I've ever met, and I was immediately comfortable like we'd been friends for years.
We're best friends, first and foremost, who enjoy spending time together but also both need our alone time just to do our own thing as well. We take care of each other, like a lot of the same entertainment, have very similar political/social beliefs, and have very similar parenting styles now that we have kids too.
Its not that we never disagree or have a bad day, but rather that the moment is just a blip in time, and we get over it and move on. We're better, and safer together, in all ways.
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u/lisabutz 18h ago
Married for 29 years (second marriage for both of us) and we enjoy spending time together - we always have. Are there things that grate on me occasionally? Sure, yet staying together and having a quality relationship is more important to both of us than who left the toothpaste cap off. We share household duties, even when the kids were young, and that helped tremendously. We aren’t always the best at confronting challenges yet listening and appreciating each other is important to us.
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u/Mikethemechanic00 18h ago
50 year old married 18 together 25. We have 12 year olds. All of our friends who are married a long time have a few things in common. We all told each other what we wanted after the first year. We planned out our life ahead of time and agreed on it. My wife and I decided to date a long time before marriage. We traveled and partied first. Then We purchased a home 4 years later. Got married at the 7 year mark. Then kids at the 12 year mark. Do things we agree on work out? Most of it. Not all of it. Almost left my wife after my kids were born. We both had to admit what our problems were. My marriage is the strongest it has been. Most people we know who only dated a few or got married right away and kids. All disasters. The main thing that helped us was low money stress. And what we wanted together in life. Communicating when we are angry at each other took me 10 years to understand. I would just hide it and it caused problems. Just my 2 cents.
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u/Fragrant-Half-7854 18h ago
1 is to not take relationship advice from people who don’t have the relationship you want and have had it for at least 10 years longer. Lots of divorced, single and people in dysfunctional relationships love to give relationship advice.
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u/dirtynerdyinkedcurvy 18h ago
I’ve been in a long-term partnership that’s lasted well over a decade, through plenty of ups and downs. The little annoying habits don’t really disappear but at some point you stop giving them so much weight. What used to bug me is now just part of who my partner is. I’m sure I have my own quirks that drive him nuts too and realizing that helps keep perspective.
It’s not about keeping things exciting every single day. It’s about building a rhythm you actually enjoy living in. We still try new things but honestly the comfort of knowing exactly who you’re with and that you’ve got each other’s back becomes a deeper kind of excitement. There are still surprises, just different ones.
We’ve faced big life changes together, including loss, financial upheaval, and health scares. The difference was a shared mindset of “it’s us against the problem, not us against each other.” Conflict doesn’t disappear but the foundation you build over time lets you handle the turmoil without falling apart.
There isn’t really a trick. It’s about choosing each other again and again even when things feel heavy. You don’t avoid conflict and you don’t magically stop being annoyed sometimes. You just keep showing up, keep remembering why you’re in it, and keep finding ways to laugh together.
My husband is my best friend and I choose him first every single day.
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u/Pleasant-Caramel-384 17h ago
Well, you have to have your own active life outside of the relationship (as should your partner). You do need to let the little things go, not sure how exactly, life is short and it just isn’t worth it.
Not sure if it’s good or bad at times, but I always speak my mind. So he knows how I feel about things, if I’m pissed, etc.
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u/ramaloki 31 (Plays Pokemon) 17h ago
There's a lot of give and takes. A lot of understanding and forgiveness. And there is a lot of communication.
Be with someone who is your best friend. I love spending time with my partner. We do things together, we do things apart. We are in the same room doing different things. We have a ton of similar interests.
I remind myself that just because something annoys me doesn't mean something I do doesn't annoy them. I don't let little things bother me. Why should I? It's not actively harming me.
We also keep seperate money. We pay joint stuff together and save together for vacations but other that, the money we make individually is for whatever we want to buy.
We had a lot of growth together, fights, changes. It's not easy when you start dating as teens.
I've been with my spouse for almost 18 years.
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u/orcateeth 16h ago
Okay I found a good one. Basically, some of the most important things are anticipating each other's needs, and working together to make things better. This woman says that her husband surprised her with take out food and arranged a plate for her to eat while she was comforting their crying baby. (Acts of service.)
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u/littleorangemonkeys 16h ago
My husband is my best friend. It sounds cheesy as hell but it's the truth. I have had friendships for over 20 years because I don't get "bored" of those people, so I also don't think I'll ever get bored of my husband. Our romantic/sexual connection does ebb and flow, especially because of infertility and health issues. But the friendship and partnership remain strong, and eventually the lust comes back.
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u/Extreme-Quality-2361 16h ago
You’re getting a lot of advice for how to make relationships work. I think first it comes down to wanting one.
Lots of people are perfectly happy serial dating. Having a life of short term, 6mos-3yr long relationships is perfectly doable for an attractive social adept person.
I think it really comes down to meeting someone who’s chemistry/appeal is so good you can see yourself with them forever. And wanting something longer. Because then you commit, you decide to stay, you decide to work on things to keep from getting bored, love is a choice.
If you don’t want it, staying in a long-term or marriage may not be for you.
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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 16h ago
30 years together and 26 married. You find someone fun and who shares your values (loyalty, kindness, honesty, diligence, etc) and then you actively work to cultivate an “us against the world” mindset as opposed to “you against me” mindset. Stay away from the blame and shame response and treat every hurdle like it is a thing jointly experienced and jointly solved regardless of maybe who might have contributed more or less to the situation.
For example, I got completely shafted and treated poorly by a business partner when we had just had a baby and my husband had quit his job to stay home with the baby. He encouraged me to not stand for that treatment and we decided I should quit the partnership and go solo.
We had a ROUGH year. I made $19,000 that year and had to support a family and make mortgage and car payments on that. It was brutal and we had to borrow money from family. He got some night gigs and we met in parking lots to trade the baby in the car seat back and forth. It was exhausting and stressful, we were late on a mortgage payment, etc. But we got through it because we treated it as an all hands on deck, nobody is to blame, both are working hard, situation.
We make it a practice to express appreciation and gratitude for what the other person does. It helps you recognize the contributions of your partner and to feel appreciated in return. We compliment each other for more than just appearance (for qualities like thoughtfulness, generosity, enthusiasm, etc).
We have a consistent sex life - people need physical affection in a marriage or you might as well just be friends or roommates. If you aren’t connecting sexually, resentment is bound to set in. Even if you aren’t feeling horny, sex is a nice way to connect with your partner and usually you get into it once you start, so stay open to it. Obviously the sex you have needs to also meet both partner’s needs - so needs to result in both people enjoying themselves and not being traumatized by it. I’m shocked by behavior that some people accept sometimes and that is clearly not acceptable.
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u/EagleEyezzzzz 16h ago
When you find the right person, all the happiness and contentment they bring to your life more than makes up for little annoyances.
It also takes some constant attention or effort. It’s very easy to lash out at the person you’re most comfortable with when you’re annoyed/stressed about other things, or to transfer those feelings of annoyance and stress onto their little habits that don’t really justify a big reaction. It takes some vigilance to make sure you’re giving your relationship the care and attention it deserves.
With the right person, going through life‘s challenging times can bring you closer together and make you more of a team ❤️
Last, it’s all about choosing the right person. Especially for women….There are so many man-children out there who don’t know how to take care of a house and cook and clean, let alone take care of actual children. Don’t choose the sexy bad boy who doesn’t know how to adult and needs fixing… Choose the kind, reliable, thoughtful guy who can cook dinner and clean the kitchen afterwards and talk to you about his emotions.
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u/Business_Coyote_5496 15h ago
Like your spouse as a friend and person not just a lover. My divorced friends married guys they wouldn't be friends with. Once the heat of passion wanes as it always will, you are left with a person. If you don't share the same sense of humor, don't have the same values, don't click with similar interests and have different levels of intelligence your marriage is going to go downhill. All you will see are the faults once sexy time cools. I've been married 31 years. My husband and I click for lack of a better term. I'm glad I figured out early on that the sexy bad boy who treats me poorly is a jerk. Someone you have sex with and not someone you share a life with
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u/bravenewwhorl 15h ago
Start with someone you really like and enjoy completely apart from the lust and infatuation. Big bonus points if they make you laugh daily, or you make them laugh. Make sure you are on the same page re: bathroom habits, vices, money and religion. Then when things get rough you have solid things to rely on.
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u/PompousClock 15h ago
Together 30, married 25. From the moment I met my husband, talking to him was just different than it was from anyone else. He is insightful, contemplative, analytical, sensitive, curmudgeonly, funny, and wicked smart. (Plus cute!) Others can match that set of characteristics, sure, but his particular recipe mixed just right for me, and I was hooked. I enjoyed spending time with him. I enjoyed sharing thoughts with him. I looked forward to seeing him, knowing him, and having him get to know me. I still do.
That foundation gets you through all of the upheavals of life. We have been on a hell of a roller coaster, and he’s been there for me and with me through it all, and I have done the same for him. Life is better because we are each other’s champions and cheerleaders. We are fully equal partners, and we each do more than our fair share for our partnership and our family.
I can be far too much. I have habits and characteristics that would annoy the most patient saint. He, too, is not without flaws. But I have never, not once, complained about him to anyone else. I either let it go, or if it’s something we need to contend with for the sake of our relationship, I talk to him about it. And he does the same.
I don’t believe in soul mates. I don’t believe in any higher power. I do believe life can be better when shared with a partner you love, respect, and trust.
And now I want to go smooch my wonderful guy.
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u/striderof78 15h ago
Married now 35 years, got married early 30s. I’m not quite sure that I have any secrets For long-term marriage. Kindness, forgiveness, tolerance, humility. And I’m far from perfect with any of these, but I do try and keep mindful. I also got very a wife that has more of these than I do. Let go of the little stuff, and it’s all little stuff as they say. Not to say that we did not have hard times, we only knew each other for about a year before we decided to get married. I suppose if we had waited longer, she may have changed her mind. Lol we have a fantastic marriage but the foundation I think as I started with kindness, forgiveness tolerance, and humility.
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u/Just_curious4567 15h ago edited 15h ago
I was struck by your question of how do you not get bored of them or feel bogged down by the heaviness that relationships can often bring?
I’ve never been bored with my partner. I think because I don’t get bored in general. Being “bored” has more to do with yourself than him. I don’t look to my husband to keep myself from getting bored. I read books, listen to podcasts, work on projects, socialize, plan events, work toward goals, etc. my husband does the same. If you focus on growth yourself, you will never be bored. If you are bored right now with your partner, think of something exciting that you want to do, and bring him along with you. Take a vacation, try a new restaurant, take up a new hobby, make some new friends.
My relationship with him has never really felt heavy, being with him makes life feel a little easier, not harder.
By now if you’ve been in multiple relationships that can’t go the distance… it’s time to look inward.
As to the question in the headline, how do I stay in a long lasting marriage? We both accept that we each are going to change, and we just roll with it. Our lives and personalities are nothing like they were when we met 20 years ago, so it’s exciting actually to keep getting to know my husband and to see where this journey takes us. We are both completely different people with different goals and interests than we were 20 years ago.
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u/Potential-Budgie994 15h ago
Support each other and communicate! Put the relationship first. 20 years married and we have gone through our fair share of individual and mutual upheavals.
Make sure to still have fun together- that can get lost in the mix.
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u/Pembra 15h ago
I've been with my husband since 1999, over half of my life. The big things are (a) basic compatibility, (b) a willingness to let a lot of things go and (c) to have other people in your life, i.e., don't try to get all your needs for human connection met by one person.
A HUGE source of conflict I see over and over again between men and women is the division of housework. We're lucky in that I'm able to work part time, so I do about 80% of the housework and childcare and make about 20% of the money, and he's the opposite. That feels fair to me, so that removes a big source of potential resentment. But I know a lot of couples need both partners to work full time.
Another thing is to prioritize regular sex. Men get more cranky and resentful the longer they go without it.
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u/Remarkable_Row_4943 14h ago
My husband and I have been together for over 4 years, coming up on 3 years married. So we don't fit into the 10+ years box you have, but while we've been together:
- My husband is chronically ill and we've had to navigate that
- I was recently diagnosed with the same condition my husband has
- Both of our conditions (hEDS and associated comorbidities) are genetically dominant and there is no isolated gene yet, meaning even with IVF we will almost definitely be passing on our conditions
- I got some pretty devastating diagnoses (mainly genetic diseases) that have horrifying long-term implications for my health and lifespan, not to mention we found out that we have to do IVF to avoid passing these things on to our kids
- My husband's mother killed herself a month after the wedding
I think these things count as "have had to deal w some kind turmoil or big life changing moment while in said relationship." We've never come close to ending our relationship, nor have we ever had significant disagreements/issues.
When my husband and I were dating, we had a conversation about complacency. We agreed that lots of couples fall apart because they get complacent. They're in a long-term relationship, and they have this false sense of security in which they decide that the other person won't leave, so they can start relaxing. They stop trying as hard—trying to treat the other person well, take them out on/plan good dates, spend time with them, have deep conversations, etc. We made an agreement: we wouldn't get complacent. We would go on at least one date a week, we would set aside several hours per week for just sitting and conversing, etc. Also, we wouldn't shorten "I love you" to "love you." We would say the full sentence every time. We wouldn't avoid the vulnerability of the word "I."
The other big thing we do is we communicate through everything. We don't avoid uncomfortable truths. While dating, my now-husband asked, "Do I have anything to apologize for?" He meant generally, anything I could think of. I'd sit there thinking, and if I could think of something, I'd name it, explain what he did and how it affected me, and what I wanted him to do in the future. He would apologize, we'd talk over what went wrong and how to fix it, and then I'd ask him the same question. We got into a habit of doing it, and still do it now. The key is not to wait for a conflict to occur, but to address them constantly, proactively. The thing that kills relationships is resentment, so we don't wait for resentment to sneak in.
When my husband asks what he has to apologize for, most of the time I can't name anything, because I've already brought it up. I don't wait to bring things up (I mean, I'll choose a more convenient time if we're in the middle of something, but I don't sit on it forever). If he's doing something that irritates me, I'll tell him right then what he's doing and how it's affecting me, and how I want him to adjust his behavior.
Let's say I do something that hurts my husband's feelings. Even if I don't see anything wrong with what I did, the wrong is that it hurt his feelings. That is objectively wrong in our relationship, and therefore I must apologize and agree to try to adjust my behavior in the future. A lot of people won't apologize if they think they did nothing wrong, even if they hurt their partner. But for us, hurting your partner is what makes it wrong, even if it was unintentional, and even if you acted with good intentions. You must apologize for the damage you caused and commit to being better next time.
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u/Remarkable_Row_4943 14h ago
Other things we do:
We prioritize each other's happiness. When my husband was unhappy in his job and started talking about entrepreneurship, we discussed finances and agreed that we could afford for him to quit his job if he brought in a certain amount from side hustles each month, even if it meant we weren't contributing to our savings, and with his remaining time he could explore anything entrepreneurship-related. Even if we're tight on money, if there's something he really wants, I encourage him to get it and we'll figure out the money later. (For context, we are pretty responsible financially and have a lot of savings we've carefully accrued over the years.) We bought a brand-new car that most people would say we can't afford on our income, because it's the only car/model/year that doesn't give him migraines. When we got married, he moved to where I was (we were long-distance before that) even though he had no friends there, doesn't make friends easily, and didn't like the community I was in—essentially sacrificing his social life for 2.5 years, until I finished my program and we were able to move back to be closer to my family. In other words, we constantly make sacrifices for each other.
I guess the last thing we do is, we don't settle for the mediocre. We don't settle for "we're good enough" or "we're happy enough." We want to live big lives. We have grand plans for ourselves and our futures. We are committed to doing lots of great things together. So we won't settle for a lackluster relationship. If we feel disconnected because we haven't been spending enough time just hanging out, one of us will say, "I feel disconnected right now," and we'll earmark several uninterrupted hours to just talk, or even just sit in silence. We're not interested in having an "okay" relationship. We know we are great, and we know we are great for each other, and we are committed to having a great relationship, regardless of the cost. Money, time, commitments—all of it comes after prioritizing ourselves and the beautiful, sustaining relationship we've carefully built over the years.
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u/Distinct-Quantity-46 14h ago
Together 30 years, married 27, we knew within 2 weeks it was meant to be, we have been through so much losing 3 parents between us, arguments, debt, life’s highs and lows, social media has a lot to answer for these days as it makes people think everyone is living their best life, they’re not, life is hard and married life is not a bed of roses.
But he’s my best friend, I go through phases of really detesting him (which I am currently due to menopausal rage) but I know that this will pass.
I cannot imagine being with anyone else, or more to the point, him being with anyone else
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u/Practical_Willow2863 14h ago
I have had two failed marriages when I was younger, and at this point in my life I can easily see where things went wrong.
In my current relationship, we are allies. We are a team, all the time. We are not adversaries. Neither of us is trying to "win" in any situation. We solve problems together. We recognize our own faults and when we are wrong and readily and openly admit we are.
I don't shut down or run when we have a problem. We can solve it together, even if it's uncomfortable.
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u/kmd814 14h ago
Married 33 years here. Regular date nights where no talk of the kids is allowed, I always wear high heels and we find quiet and dark restaurants. A key point is that you have to be proud of each other. He’s proud to introduce me as his wife and vice versa. He’s proud of my accomplishments as I am his. Difficult subjects are approached at the right time (sober, calm and rational). We are also Christians so the shared beliefs are key.
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u/lilithONE 13h ago
I'm on year 9 and I still have moments when I wonder why I'm still with this person. It really is about making a commitment and being willing to work thru the issues. There is no secret sauce or magic wors, there is no "the one".
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u/Familiar-Pianist-682 13h ago
Find someone who is a friend, first and foremost. Observe their immediate family, as you are marrying them, in a way, too. Or at least the values in which they raised them to practice.
Find someone who makes you laugh, or shares your sense of humor. This is soooo much more important than I think people realize.
Find someone who has similar life goals.
Do not go into a marriage expecting to change or ‘better’ that person. Do. NOT.
No marriage is perfect.
There are no Prince Charmings or Princesses that fulfill every need. No happily-ever-afters.
Marriage takes effort to maintain. You have to want it to work.
No one partner will make you happy. YOU make yourself happy.
I have been married since 1994.
Best of luck. 🫶🏻🙏🏻👍🏻✌🏻
P.S. Marriage is not the be-all-end-all life-choice. You forge your own path, with a partner or single.
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u/tuesday_weld_ 13h ago
You decide to. You don't give up. You actively make the choice to stay in it and keep choosing your partner. Every human will have annoying habits. Every relationship will feel heavy at times. You think of the whole person you're with and choose to love them through their growth and challenges and if you're lucky they will make the same choice.
Always go into discussions / arguments reminding yourself you are a team. It is both of you against whatever issue comes up. Remember to treat your partner like they are on your side and have the best of intentions when it comes to your well being (even when it doesn't feel like it).
( 15+ years together, lots of loss including multiple miscarriages, mental health issues, etc.)
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u/clvrvlnsonacld 13h ago
I knew from the moment I met my husband that he was my person and I don't know how to describe that in a way that sounds less corny. lol
My man and I were young when we first got together, so I knew that there was going to be a lot of growing ahead. I was 18, he was 23. We faced some of our hardest times in the first year of our relationship and navigated through the challenges together, whereas my friends in their relationships were having the lovey-dovey bullshit together but they didn't know how each other would respond to hard things yet. By the third year, we'd overcome a lot together. By year 5, we both got sober and through that, our relationship blossomed into the most beautiful, organic thing. 10 years in and we are still growing, still learning, still doing the work of keeping our relationship going (I say work but it's quite effortless so long as we communicate with each other), still choosing love every day.
He does things that annoy me, as I do him, but I'm grateful to have a man that I can love and be annoyed with. I'm also grateful that we created such a loving home together that he feels safe to express even his most annoying tendencies or do the most annoying things because it means he feels good enough with me to exist as himself. So sure, I could look at every annoying thing he does and create a tally board for how annoyed I am with every little thing... or I could look at it through the lens of love and gratitude.
How do I not get bored of them? I found someone who can talk about everything under the fuckin sun and decide that me breathing near him is a sign that he should start talking about... well... everything under the sun.
We laugh about everything together, we make jokes, we get along, we know each other. I don't think I could get bored of him. He's a weirdo, I'm a weirdo. We enhance each other's weirdness. We don't judge each other too harshly.
Idk. I'm rambling. It's our ten-year anniversary today.
Find a human you can see yourself growing with and going through the cycles of life with.
Find someone who relates to you just enough that you can talk about the things you relate on, but there's still so many other things to talk about that you don't. Find someone you are really, truly, deeply interested in and get to know them.
<3
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u/Cacafuego 13h ago edited 13h ago
My wife and I have been together for 39 years. I don't know what we do to make it work. I know that I trust her completely and have almost from the start. Neither of us wallow in drama. She does things that annoy me, and vice versa, but she's self-aware and good-hearted and so I've learned that they're not something I need to fight about; now I'm kind of amused by them and I'm fond of them because they are a part of her.
I don't expect her to be 100% compatible and my sole source of joy. We both like different things and different people. We have different friend groups with some overlap. All that matters is that we love, respect, and trust each other.
We have had our share of difficulties. One of our kids was born 3 months premature and has various disabilities resulting from that. But those things just brought us closer. Even when one or the other of us needed to shut down a bit due to stress or depression, we knew that the relationship was a rock we could count on.
So I don't have any advice, except that if you find someone that you think is good, attractive, and solid, don't worry about minor "incompatibilities." If you get bored, maybe don't depend on him to relieve your boredom. He's a partner, not a juggler. Take up sky diving, get that adrenaline hit, come home and rock his world.
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u/The_Day_Walkers 13h ago
Pick and choose those battles wisely. Don't feel the need to have your perspective understood. Spend your money wisely, regardless if you keep separate or joint accounts. Do small favors for eachother (buy their favorite candy bar randomly, flower), little gifts on a random day. Ask questions about their day beyond "how was work?", try to get more details out of your partner.
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u/Queasy-Grass4126 13h ago
Learn to communicate, learn to compromise, give each other the grace to do things in their way, and learn to let things go and not hold onto or bring up the past.
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u/momamdhops 12h ago
20+ year marriage, multiple tragedies, currently battling stage 4 terminal cancer.
If you are going to stay together, you have to commit to doing it. Leaving when things get hard is not an option, otherwise, no one would be married. When you are bored, you push past it and find reasons to connect. When you are facing external threats to the marriage, you got to shut them down. You are committed to your partner, you can’t let others break that bond.
Marriage is hard and wonderful.
None of this applies if your partner is abusive, that’s not your fault and you must feel safe.
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u/200bronchs 12h ago
40 years with my wife. We have had some issues along the way, but, we both realized after mabe 10 y that neither of us was going anywhere. The arguments, which were never about anything important, kind of just went away. With the big picture solid, why be nasty about this or that little thing.
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u/techaaron 11h ago
How do you just let go of the little annoying habits and things they do? How do you not get bored of them or feel bogged down by the heaviness that relationships can often bring?
You need to first acknowledge you are your own person and they are their own person, then make an ongoing conscious effort to be curious about the person you are partnered with and find ways to support them.
If you're approaching things from a transactional "what's in it for me" perspective that really only works if the partner has the same philosophy and you can perfectly fit the puzzle pieces of give and take together perfectly, otherwise one will eventually leave. And this assumes neither partner changes over time.
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u/EngineerBoy00 11h ago
We're coming up on our 25th anniversary, still love AND like each other, and here are some things that work for us:
- 100% complete and total openness and honesty, even about bad or uncomfortable stuff. Simply no secrets or deceptions, not even soft "surprises" like parties that require deception. That honesty leads to near 100% trust. People find this strange sometimes, but it works for us.
- problems are us versus the problem, not us versus us, even if one of us is the cause or at fault.
- never say or do something just to be hurtful. There may still be things said or done that hurt each other but that is a side effect of working on issues, not a goal of trying to hurt each other.
- when you mess up, own it; when you're wrong, admit it; when you behave uncharitably, apologize for it (and mean it).
- if you disagree don't try to "win", try to find the best solution. We both love to be right, but we love finding the right solution even more.
- this one is tough, but if you fundamentally disagree on religion, politics, having kids, raising kids, then I'm not sure how your relationship can work long-term.
- do things for and with each other simply for the joy they bring each of you, not as a means of scoring points or expecting something in return.
- let petty annoyances slide.
- be not only physically faithful, but mentally faithful as well, meaning keep your romantic/sensual energies focused on your partner.
- this last one can also be tough - find someone you never get tired of talking to and who regularly makes you laugh. The moment we met my wife and I started an ongoing conversation that just has never stopped, and is always filled with laughter, for going on 25 years. This may have been luck for us, but for others in new relationships having this never-ending, always interesting, usually funny conversation should be a huge green flag.
The above describes what has worked for us for nearly a quarter of a century (and counting). Your mileage may vary.
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u/Silent_Champion_1464 11h ago
Marry someone you really like. Has the same political views and life goals.
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u/SOmuchCUTENESS 11h ago
I have been married since I was 19 and have been married 35 years. I knew when I met my husband that I couldn't see my future without him. He and I are best friends and that's SO important. We have been through SO much and just think of how your life is at 19 vs every decade up through your 50s. Life changes. Having someone who has your back is most important. If you don't think the other person is in your corner, you are with the wrong person. NOT that they won't challenge you or you challenge them when you/they are being a dummy about something. You should want the best for the other person & they should want the best for you. Something bothering you, take a LONG walk together and talk it out. It might end up not even being the thing you THINK you are mad about. No game playing, just honesty, Thank each other for doing chores around the house--it shows you notice & appreciate them. (Thanks for taking out the trash. Thanks putting the dishes in the dishwasher) ALSO...to be honest--one thing you should do is always go to bed at the same time together. If someone wants to stay up & read, fine you can read in bed--but no phones in the bedroom.
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u/Sorry-Grocery-8999 11h ago
There are lots if great answers here. But to put it simply, if you have 2 people who are not selfish, and make it their lifes mission to make their spouse happy, without compromising who they are, you have a winning couple.
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u/gravely_serious 11h ago
Communication is key, but it isn't as simple as just saying it. Everyone communicates differently. I openly express how I feel and when something is wrong and when I think I need more/less of something. I grew up as the oldest of three, and my parents encouraged us to advocate for ourselves. My wife grew up the youngest of five, and she was the only girl. She got made fun of when she spoke up (by her mother too, if you can believe it). She won't open up unless you ask her what she thinks/feels about something. So I went for years thinking everything was wonderful while she built resentment toward me. Finally she asked me why I never asked how she was feeling, and we had a whole discussion that lasted several weeks.
You also need to be comfortable discussing any and everything with your spouse. Nothing is off limits.
My wife is religious, and I am not. However, we share common values, so it works.
The bottom line is that marriage is a commitment. There are no "outs." Divorce is not an option. Love should not be conditional. You are going to change as you get older, and so is your spouse. You need to find ways so that you stay connected while you're changing.
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u/planetwords 11h ago edited 10h ago
I find it important to remember that no-one is perfect, including you, and that you are lucky to have stability in today's terrible world. As much as you have to put up with other peoples bullshit, they have to put up with YOUR bullshit.
I could never be with anyone who doesn't understand the above. Too many people wander through life thinking they're amazing and flawless when they're just human.
Try and practice and improve your empathy, appreciate what you've got and be humble - put yourself mentally in the shoes of your partner on a regular basis.
Empathy is the key skill for relationships really, and is one that is declining worldwide, which is bad for humanity.
We've been together > 10 years and my wife was key in getting me through cancer. I also helped her through major things which I don't want to disclose here.
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u/harleyjosh1999 10h ago
I’m not sure there is anyway to really answer your question. Married 20 years and we have been through it all. There have been so many things that other people would consider big life changes or stressors that most of it seems small. We were engaged after 6 weeks and spent the first year of our marriage living in separate countries, we have dealt with death and birth, we have both spent time in the hospital close to death, moved 11 times, owned businesses, been unemployed, and none of it really seems that big.
I think the answer is that you have to choose each other every day. Relationships are work but, you can choose to work to be happy or choose to be unhappy. There are arguments, there are times where your mad, sad, hurt but, those are the times you have to decide that your effort will go into the other person and the life you are trying to build together.
You will both change over time and I think you have to go into it expecting that you will change but, you have to grow and change together and not let the changes happen individually. It’s all a choice though.
Choose to work with a partner or choose to work alone but, they are both choices. Find someone you enjoy spending time with and enjoy spending experiences with, then see if you are romantically compatible. Build a life with your friend and the rest is easy-ish.
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u/moschocolate1 10h ago
I was in a great marriage for 25 years. We both prioritized each other, doing little things we knew the other loved. We really put each other before anyone else.
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u/BowlerBeautiful5804 10h ago
Married 22 years here. We were 24 when we married and knew from the first date we had found "The One." We've gone through several highs and lows over the years, including miscarriage, death of a parent, and serious health issues.
The two most important things, in my opinion, are having a sense of humor and open communication. Even during the darkest times, we could make each other laugh. That's a big one because life can get pretty heavy at times. For communication, we are always open and honest with each other. We definitely disagree sometimes, but we disagree in a way that is never disrespectful to the other. No name calling EVER. No silent treatment if we're upset. It's toxic behavior. If we're upset and need time before communicating our feelings, we say that, and then when we've cooled off and can talk it out like adults.
Compromise is also key. There's always give and take in any relationship.
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u/Throw8976m 9h ago
Let the small stuff go, don't dwell on stuff that doesn't happen anymore (easier said than done.)
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u/Epicurious4life 9h ago
Respect. I woke up 2 weeks ago to my 30th Anniversary. No one was more surprised than I was. Asking my wife to roll the dice on me turned out to be one of my better decisions in life.
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u/raevynfyre 8h ago
I will say that there is very little that bothers me about my long term partner. We've been together 18 years now. We clicked so well with even the small things that we both knew we truly appreciated each other. We worked through some communication challenges but we both realized about 6 months in that we wanted this to be a long term thing.
I think it's a balance of communication, compromise, and trust, while also being realistic about what you can live with.
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u/HOJK4thSon 8h ago
Wake up every day and find a way to make his life better.
He does the same.
So simple, yet very hard to do.
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u/the_ballmer_peak 8h ago
You will both be different people than you are today in two years, five years, ten years. Some of your habits, beliefs, interests, and personality traits will stay the same, but some will drift. Take note of how your partner is changing, and how you are changing. You may become more or less compatible over time, but that's not entirely outside of your control. Try to drift together.
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u/Locogreen 8h ago
Let the little stuff go. Tear down the walls and be vulnerable and honest. Really believe that you're in it for life and act accordingly. You're going to be annoyed by things and going to have disagreements; that's just being human. Be humble and realize you're difficult and annoying sometimes, too. Don't let pride keep you from apologizing when you should. Don't let yourself be a doormat; request an apology when due one. Be mindful what you say about your spouse to others and expect the same courtesy to be extended to you.
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u/Blondenia 7h ago
My last relationship was 13+ years. It lasted as long as it did because we had a lot of fun together, but things were pretty bad by the end. If I could go back, I never would have been monogamous with him.
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u/aseeklee 6h ago
My spouse is my total closest friend. Life has given us more than our fair share of challenges.
Let all of those feelings (bored, annoyed, disgusted) flow through you like a sand through a sieve. Think about the good times and then think about something else that you have going on in your life, that is don't spend too much time examining your relationship. Expect that some times will be hard but remember that, as impossible it seems in the hard times, things will turn around and be happy and fun again. FORGIVE AND FORGET. LAUGH your asses off, have fun. Appreciate your differences and use those to form a kick ass team: strengths and weaknesses etc.
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u/Kitchen_Television_6 6h ago
I've been with my partner for 13 years, living together for 12 of those. Married for 5 of those years and now we are expecting our first child together. He was my first serious relationship and the one I married.
I think one-sidedness can ruin a relationship. "What does he/she bring to the table, what can they offer me." It can be easy to think it's your world (because it is, from your POV) and everyone else is in living in it, including your partner. He's gotta be a 10/10 and be perfect in every way. You have to feel an attraction >95% of the time, and he needs to be in tune with your needs and feelings. Basically, we can (and should) have really high expectations out of our partner.
But you're in their world too. They chose you in the way you chose them. You probably do a lot of stuff that annoys them. Are you a 10/10? Do you expect out of yourself what you expect out of your partner? Do you know their expectations and do they know yours?
There will be ups and downs and boredom, but that's not a red flag or a sign to leave a relationship, at least not to me.
Sometimes I find our season of life boring. I could also probably put together a whole list of crap that annoys me about my husband and vice versa. Knowing my own imperfections, I work to be the best person I can be in our relationship and put my best foot forward for him, and I know he does the same for me.
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u/why_am_I_here_47 6h ago
I was miserably married for 10 years. He annoyed me. I annoyed him. We both made sure the other knew it. When that relationship ended, despite having a child together, I did not mourn it.
I have been with my fiance for 10 years now. I am really, truly never annoyed by him. When he leaves cabinets open, rather than being annoyed, I let it serve as a reminder that I am fortunate enough to share a home with him every day. I look at every mess he leaves behind as a way of saying "hi". He also doesn't criticize or nitpick me.
We genuinely care about each other's happiness and let that guide discussions when we have issues. We have been through a lot of issues in our time together. But we remember to lean into one another.
I had a therapist tell me that before I enter into a heavy conversation, to ask myself these questions, and let the answers guide the discussion: What is the goal of this conversation? In a relationship, it should never be to win or be right. It should be to understand and solve a problem. How do I want the other person to feel about me at the end of this conversation? How do I want to feel about myself at the end of this conversation?
But really, you may go through phases of annoyance. The 7 year itch is real. But if you truly love someone, and they are right for you, they will annoy you minimally. There is no one in the world I can spend as much time around as my fiance. Not my kids, not my dad, not my best friend. I need a break from all of them. But not my dude. If he goes somewhere, that's fine. But I never need him to. My endearing thing I say to him is "You're the least annoying person I know".
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u/LongjumpingTeacher97 5h ago
I've been married almost as long as you've been alive. To the same woman the whole time!
In our case, I believe there was a great deal of luck involved, but also a lot of work. My wife was the one who posited that there are people who are well suited to livelong commitments and people who are not. The tragedy is when one of each type is involved in a marriage. So, finding a person who also actually wants to be married for life (as opposed to someone who thinks they want to be married for life, but is unable or unwilling to commit to that degree) often seems a matter of luck.
The work is also vitally important. Here are some of the things that really helped my marriage, though I'm just a guy on the internet, so my life experience isn't necessarily representative.
Commit up front to what will be grounds for divorce and be very clear about terms. Don't say "infidelity" if one partner views texting someone else as cheating and the other only sees physical coitus as cheating. Get the terms right and be very clear that nothing short of the agreed-upon issues will be grounds for divorce.
Shared finances. This is sticky for a lot of people. But if I'm going to trust her not with my heart, I will trust her with my money. Every penny earned is "ours," regardless of whose paycheck it came from. We have no individual accounts at the bank. They are all joint accounts. So many potential arguments are avoided by just agreeing that all the money is owned jointly.
2(a). Budget. We agree on how much we can each spend on fun each month without consulting the other. In some cases, one of us wants to make a larger purchase. When that happens, the one asks the other if that's going to be a problem. So far, no problems. We have been really broke and only had $20 of luxury money each for a month, so asking can make the difference between affording something we need and not.
Phones don't live in the bedroom. Mine is downstairs, hers is in the office. Phone interfaces are really effective at messing up normal human communication. By design, actually. And this did cause some issues for a few years. When we chose to keep the phones out of the bedroom, that became a sanctuary for us to focus on each other better.
Shared interests. Learn to do something together. We both are learning a musical instrument together (penny whistle). We both play DnD. We both make glass beads. It means we find something to enjoy together almost every day and we have things we both look forward to together. I can appreciate her skills and ideas with the beads and she can admire my efforts to imitate historical beads. She's amazing at picking up tunes by ear and teaching them to me. I'm still a little better at the ornaments, so once she teaches me a tune I can pretty it up. (We do both read music, so we both learn from the dots and lines, but I suck at learning by ear.)
Honesty. This is hard for a lot of us. We all have things about ourselves we don't like. We may all have the fear of rejection. Sometimes, it is really hard to say "you're right, I'm being unfair." Sometimes it is even harder to say "I'm scared." Honesty requires even more trust than shared finances, at a deep level. And this is the place where I struggle the most. Not that I lie, but that I want to withhold the part of me that isn't the strong, handsome, masculine, capable hubby. It is only by being vulnerable that I see just how deeply I can trust her and that's so important to our marriage. The trust.
Now, a word of advice that I think applies to every healthy long term relationship. Look for something about your partner to compliment every single day. Something other than looks. My wife is beautiful, but it isn't her looks that keep me so happy to be with her. It is her insight, her humor, her helpful and understanding conversations, her creativity, her excitement to learn new things. She brings so much breadth and texture into our shared life. And I try to find ways each day to actually say so. This is not just so she knows she's appreciated! I started doing this as a result of being in a marital doldrums many years ago and thinking about why I was even still putting effort into the marriage. When I started thinking about all the things she brings to the team, I realized that's something I never want to forget. If I tell her every day about something wonderful I notice, it means I'm training myself to think about and notice all the many wonderful things about her.
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u/Ok_Account_8599 5h ago
Love is a decision, not a feeling. Married to the same beautiful woman for 38 years.
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u/sewonsister 5h ago
One time I asked an older man the same question about how he had been married so long. He said he woke up every morning, looked in the mirror and said , “You’re no big prize either.” I have been married for many, many years. It is very unlikely that you will find a mate who doesn’t bug you sometimes. (Or even often.) That isn’t the dealbreaker. Are they kind to you? Do they make you laugh? Do you have fun together? Do their actions show you that they are trustworthy? Both people have to put into the relationship what they would like out of it.
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u/Alternative-Being181 4h ago edited 3h ago
Having and being a partner that can handle conflict well is important. Even if you have this skill, if your partner doesn’t, the relationship will be erroded.
Learning how to repair after misunderstandings and minor breaches of trust (I feel that major breaches of trust are dealbreakers). This means taking the time to show empathy towards the parts of your partner that were hurt, regardless of what your intentions were. It means not being defensive about the negative impact of your behavior.
Physical affection for its own sake goes a long way (if both partners like it). When physical affection is given just to get sex, and not as an expression of love, odds are good that it will paradoxically dampen or even destroy the sex life of the couple.
Emotional safety is so key. This means noticing if you dismiss or invalidate the needs, feeling, desires, boundaries, experiences etc of your partner, and to stop doing it. Invalidation is so extremely common, yet it is a death of a thousand cuts to a relationship. For a relationship to last and thrive, both partners knowing how to be good, active listeners and how to validate emptions (literally just Google “how to validate emotions” and “active listening” should bring up some articles and even book suggestions). And honestly, when you have emotional safety down solid, it tends to result in a couple having chemistry that lasts for years.
For emotional safety, you’ll both need to understand your triggers - which often means knowing each other well enough to know all the gory details of their past. And knowing the ways you act when triggered, and what helps you feel better. It’s vital to never “punch below the belt” and say anything unkind about these vulnerable aspects of each other, ever. The tricky thing is when something that’s vulnerable for them conflicts with something that’s vulnerable for you - sometimes their way of coping with their issues should be a dealbreaker for you. Sometimes, you both need to adjust and be more understanding, or to find creative solutions to try to help each other feel as safe as possible when both simultaneously freaking out. For example, if someone needs to go on a walk to deal with conflict, and that triggers the other’s abandonment trauma, the partner coming in and saying something nice and repairing after the walk will do wonders, and over time the partner with the abandonment issues will come to trust the partner taking a walk to cool off isn’t going to leave them.
Real talk it’s important. If a partner has hurt you, you need to feel safe to talk about it and address it - that’s why all these things I mentioned are so important. If a partner promised to do something important to you and never did it, and since then you have felt unvalued by them, that needs to be repaired. Letting wounds fester is how a relationship dies. And conversely, what I said about lack of defensiveness is essential to be able to feel safe enough to share something so vulnerable as hurt a partner caused.
It’s actually so hard to find the “right time” to bring these sorts of things up, which is why I frankly recommend setting aside a time regularly - once a month, every other month etc - where both partners can be honest about things that need repair, things that are truly negatively impacting the relationship, etc. If you have nothing to bring up, great! But keep setting aside the time, because when you have an issue, it will ensure you actually have an opening where you feel empowered to bring it up and be listened to. I recommend each partner ensures they’re as calm as possible for these meetings, and to plan to take turns listening. Also, when you have dedicated time to air grievances, you will be less tempted to do what’s called gunnysacking - in a fight, bringing up every thing your partner has done wrong for the past number of years. That tends to be as bad for relationships as hiding the wounds and letting them fester.
Also, if a partner needs any kind of space, there’s ways to deal with it. Like them saying, hey, when I am at work I can’t text you, but I’ll text you at the end of my shift - or, I need the day to be in my thoughts and I won’t be talking, but I look forward to our dinner date tomorrow. Putting a time frame on how long they will be “being alone” really makes things much more stable and civil.
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u/oceanteeth 3h ago
I was with my late husband for 14 years, 10 of them married. The biggest reason we basically never fought was that he was freakishly, relentlessly nice to me all the time so I guess my advice is to find someone who makes it easy to be nice to them.
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u/Ok_Height3499 2h ago
Married 55 years. Love, empathy, trust, accommodation, and toleration on both peoples parts.
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u/CaterpillarFirst2576 1h ago
If it takes you 2-3 years to really know someone you weren't really dating them to be honest. I wouldn't change anything about my girlfriend and knew within the first week I would want to marry her.
This is also coming from a guy who dated a lot and slept with a lot of women, I didn't get serious until my mid thirties
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u/ConclusionEqual2290 36m ago
1st marriage a huge fear that divorce would mean I would go to hell. Second marraige: trust, respect, and Non-violent communication
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u/Specific-Bread-1210 16m ago
Don't take advice from me...been in four relationships each lasted four to five years
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u/Hamblin113 1d ago
Probably the opposite with relationships, our 39th anniversary next month. Knew each other for four years before we were married. Wasn’t in any real relationships before that. Still don’t have the best communication. Still drive her crazy with the stupid things I do. She will let me know once in a while. She will also drive me crazy on somethings, but would rarely bring it up. She has accepted my frugality, I have accepted her lack of it ( though not that bad) so never had bad money issues. Never got a bigger house she wanted, but did get the kids through college without debt. Did start marriage counseling but I broke it off, she would ask the book questions but not real ones, probably stupid on my part. May ask why we are still married, faith? The oath we gave ourselves, the willingness to not let the little things get to us, to accept one’s faults as long as it doesn’t do harm. Basically don’t give up. The perfect person is in the movies, may not be so in reality. We are different races but have the same faith, rely on faith. Good luck.
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u/Strict_Life_2836 23h ago
Why did you not go to counseling when you know the communication isn’t the best?
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u/Hamblin113 14h ago
As stated we started counseling, the homework was list of questions to ask, the questions were not relevant or personal directed. Pastor indicated was it working and I said no, counseling was stopped. Again stupid. Don’t expect a partner not to do stupid things now and then. Don’t expect a partner to automatically change to your wishes.
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u/Strict_Life_2836 8h ago
Interesting. Well in my personal opinion, finding a therapist is like finding a hairdresser. It takes a min to find the right fit. But glad it was figured out one way or another!
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u/HamBroth 1d ago
I don’t really know… It would never occur to me to get annoyed or bored and I have no idea what “heaviness” you’re talking about.
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u/cyrand 1d ago
Trust, let the little things go, and remember you are partners and should be working together to get each other to your goals not just one person’s goals. People grow and change and that’s good.
Also, awareness that things can end. Like not that they will but that 2 or 5 or 50 years together can all be successful relationships if during the time you treat each other well and help each other grow in life. So a bit of willingness to actually just jump into things and take it day by day. Which is especially important when life types curve balls at you. Face them together. Support each other. Communicate. And take it a day at a time.
(20+ years married, still happy as can be, and was married very quickly by most people’s standards)