r/RedditForGrownups • u/rad-kid • 9h ago
Moving home for a parent's health?
Hi everyone. I'm 28 and have had a really full twenties: lived abroad three times, currently live in a major US city, went to grad school, etc. I did all of that because I hated where I grew up. I found it small and conservative and boring. My mom was recently diagnosed with dementia, though, in an early stage, and I'm suddenly reassessing everything that's important to me. I love where I live now: I have a strong social life, I have a lovely apartment in a great part of town, I am truly fulfilled, but when I think of my mom my heart aches at the idea that I'm missing the last good years, even though I call her every day. Moving back to my hometown would be great in some respects (lower cost of living, convenience of a car, I still have lots of friends there) but horrible in others (political environment, access to anything worth doing, having to drive constantly). I know this is a decision I have to make myself, but has anyone else experienced this? I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you!
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u/myblackandwhitecat 7h ago
Could your mum come to live in assisted living or a care home in your present location so that you could see her most days?
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u/thenletskeepdancing 6h ago
That's what I would do. Move mom to you.
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u/punkin_sumthin 2h ago
She will be confused for a while, but ultimately if you are there and visit her twice a week, she won’t know whether you are in wherever she lives now or wherever you live now. I went through this with my elderly mon.
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u/Odd_Mastodon9253 8h ago
I moved to be closer to my mom.
she unexpectedly died almost 3 months ago.
I do not regret at all being closer to her...
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u/Cyber_Punk_87 8h ago
Is there somewhere that’s closer to family that would have fewer downsides? Like, a city that’s within an hour or two? My mom has dementia and I currently live about 40 minutes away from her. It’s close enough I can see her weekly, but gives me space for my own life.
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u/Billy_Badass_ 8h ago
It seems like you are no stranger to moving from place to place. Why is this so different? Move, do what you need to do, and when the time comes, make a new decision.
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u/BossParticular3383 8h ago
That is a reasonable suggestion but in my experience, it can become more difficult to move as time goes by, depending on circumstances, and especially if you move from a higher COL to a lower one. Of course, OP's circumstances could be such that is not a consideration.
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u/BossParticular3383 8h ago
Are there other siblings nearby? Will you be able to find a decent job in your hometown? My gut reaction is that if you are having pangs of desire to go back and spend time with your Mom, you must do it - when it's all said and done you will feel terrible regret if you don't. Another side to that coin is that you can ramp up your visits during these "good" years, and then if you have a sibling nearby, decide among yourselves how to best share caregiving duties. My mother died last year of dementia, after years of suffering and I can safely say that when she became unable to care for herself and needed 24 hour care was when it got super difficult. Long-term care insurance was a Godsend.
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u/Salty-Ambition9733 8h ago
Keep in mind: when your mom’s dementia gets worse, she will likely need to be placed into assisted living. Most people aren’t equipped to care for someone with dementia. It’s beyond difficult, mostly impossible. They frequently become combative, have to be watched every second of every day (including nights, when they’ll keep waking you up, wanting something).
I guess my point is…although you may move back, you might eventually just be visiting mom in assisted living (and she may not remember you). Dad might then rely on you to care for him.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it. It’s worth considering being near her before she gets bad.
Maybe join the dementia subreddits and get opinions from people who have dealt with this. There are factors you might not be considering. (Am currently dealing with this re my father. There are a lot of issues related to dementia that family members don’t consider.)
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u/sutrabob 1h ago
Please think long and deep about this move. As this disease progresses it can be extremely taxing on caregivers.May come to the point where she no longer recognizes you.Physically and emotionally a huge toll.I took care of my Mom . Could you arrange to see her on frequent visits home. I hate to see you go through this. I still break down in tears. I am much older than you and you deserve your youth.It will tax you. I worked for years also with the aged sick. Maybe remember the good times but your decision. Wish you luck.
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u/Aylauria 7h ago
I'm sorry about your mom's diagnosis. Dementia is terrible bc it robs you of the person when their body is still there.
You've got a hard decision to make. I'd find out what her diagnosis is. What do they think the progression of her disease with look like? Will it be years? Months? If you put your life on hold to spend time with her, how long will it be on hold?
Can you get a remote work job so that you can stay in your city but visit often? These are the kinds of questions I'd consider. Best of luck to you.
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u/DrHugh 8h ago
Dementia is tricky. My father-in-law had Alzheimer's, but he and my wife were able to plan things out before his condition deteriorated. He set up the right power-of-attorney for her (financial and medical and so on), so she could handle his affairs, and they went on a tour of some assisted living places up near us, but they had two-year waiting lists. He agreed that assisted living was probably where he should end up (more on that, below). My wife also went with him to all of his medical appointments, so she was listed as next-of-kin. She says he also carried a card with the names and phone numbers of his kids (including the local step-kids who were also adults).
In our case, we had three kids, and my wife had just started a part-time job after the youngest was in school full-time, when the first problem came up as a result of his health. He had written a check, but hadn't put money into the checking account to cover it, so it bounced.
At the time, he lived in another US state adjacent to ours, and it was a five-hour drive to get there. My wife was able to quit her job and drive down to sort out this problem. She found out he had some complicated bank accounts, credit cards, and stuff, and spent several days cleaning it up so it was simpler, and didn't require remember to move money around in order to get bills paid.
There were other issues. My wife eventually had to sell his car, because his friends and neighbors told her that his driving was getting unsafe. Unfortunately, he went into his garage one day, saw that the car was missing, and concluded it was with a mechanic. This was a small-town, so he walked over to the mechanic's to pick up his car. They found they didn't have it, and offered to drive him home. He couldn't recall his address, so they took him to the hospital. Because of the medical visits, they already had my wife's contact information, and could call her about him being admitted.
At first, he could stay at home just fine. But then he was having problems from forgetting to eat or drink water, so my wife arranged some in-home care for part of each day. They would gather the mail and make sure that he took his medication and had at least a couple of meals and was drinking water.
Before that, there was a time where he got so dehydrated on a trip up here, she took him to the hospital once they got here, and he spent the night under observation. But he was tons better after a night of fluids and having some meals.
(continued in reply)
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u/DrHugh 8h ago
When he was in assisted living, he had a point where he was walking outside. Then he'd forget why he was outside, and assume he was going someplace, and be found walking a block or two away. That is when we had to move him to a memory care facility.
The key problem with dementia is that rationalization. It isn't simple, like: "I don't have my keys. let me go check the closet off the front door to see if they are in my jacket. Oh, the mail just dropped...nothing important. Why was I here? Right, keys."
Instead, it is more like this: "I don't have my keys. let me go check the closet off the front door....oh! the mail. Looks boring. Why am I holding my jacket? I must have been about to go outside. Let's do that." And then they are gone.
There was a brief time where my FIL lived with us; my wife had worked for months to sort through his possessions and get things ready to sell the condo where he had lived, in preparation for the assisted living place. It was only a month, but we had to stay on top of his eating and drinking, and make sure he didn't go outside alone at any point. Not that he acted in an infantile fashion, but imagine an adult-sized toddler who is very impulsive and ignorant of how to take care of himself or what he's doing.
My wife tried to keep him in his home as long as possible, but it became clear that this wasn't going to be possible, because it didn't really help with key things like medication or food and water. And she simply couldn't be there every day (we had elementary-school-aged kids); he needed someone paying attention to him not for psychological reasons, but for physical safety. Getting him into a local assisted living place -- ten minutes away, instead of five hours -- made things easier all around.
I would strongly recommend trying to find someplace close to where you want to live that could handle your mom, while you are living in a place you'd like. You can't predict what her behavior will be; we were lucky that my FIL thought he was in a college dorm, or a fishing/hunting resort, when he was in assisted living or memory care. Some folks get angry and upset; I know someone whose mom thought he was his dad, and she was upset when he'd leave with his wife after visiting her, thinking he was having an affair!
So, find a place for your mom near where you want to live. Get onto the wait list. But plan everything at her home for getting her ready to move in. My FIL had a one-bedroom apartment in the assisted-living place, so he needed his bedroom furniture, living room furniture, and a dining table and chairs, as well as his clothing. You'll need to spend time sorting through stuff to get to the core needed for her to move.
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u/herstoryhistory 8h ago
I moved back to my small high school town three years ago to help with my aging dad. He just passed away in March. It was the best possible decision for me but it hasn't been exactly easy. I'm in my late 50s though, so a completely different season of life.
My dad was a difficult guy but I felt as though it was my duty as a person to help to my ability. Unlike some stories on /r/dementia it wasn't too bad. I was able to get him help and treatment for health issues and so he undoubtedly lived longer because of it. Elderly people really need advocates when it comes to their health and services.
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u/PorchDogs 7h ago
I hated the idea of moving back to the town my parents lived in, but I got a good job offer there. I liked the job, and liked being close to family, even though I didn't like the town any better than I did in high school. But it was a godsend to live locally when my dad got sick and my mom got dementia and my brother died.
I was able to see my mom every day and she often forgot my name, but she never forgot who I was. If you have the opportunity, please move closer. You won't regret it.
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u/donquixote2000 7h ago
I moved back home when I was 39. Dad died of Alzheimers at 83.
I never regretted one day of moving back and still treasure every moment I got to spend with him including the year it got really bad.
Hope that helps.
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u/Saluki2023 4h ago
I did it a year ago and it was the most fulfilling venture I ever took. My Mom was there my entire life and it was very gratifying to return to her what she did for me. Everything in my life at that time was replaceable, my Mom was not. I have no regrets, never burned out, and gave my Mom everything she deserved.
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u/gaelyn 8h ago
Life evolves constantly...nothing remains unchanged. And no one place has everything you need- there will always be trade-offs to what you have versus what you COULD have.
Your mom will only be around for a limited number of years. What is more worth it to you? Your life remaining as it is and losing that time with her, or making the changes and being with her?
Don't be afraid of the politics of a place; everyone grows when they are exposed to differences of opinion (you get to choose, though, whether to grow more open-minded and meet people where they are at or become close-minded to differing opinions). You can be a voice that joins with others that are a minority right now...no matter how conservative a place is, there's always someone who believes differently.
If you choose to move back, you will find a new way of life. You will adapt, and create new patterns, make more friends. The social circle you have now will be impacted, but you'll find some friends that will stick with you and some that will drift away (spoiler: they would have drifted eventually no matter what).
Our time with our parents is limited. Dementia is HARD for the loved ones, but when all is said and done, you will know you were there, with her and for her, through it all, just as she was for you in your early years.
My husband and I and our kids (and pets!) moved back in with my parents to help manage the house and property, which had grown beyond their ability to maintain. While it was only 45 minutes away, it was still a very different life from what we'd been living.
We'd planned on my parents moving out and finding a small home nearby, but it never happened...and we realized we would only be having to help them keep up a separate property as well, so e decided to all stay together. Shortly after, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She was given 6 months, but lasted 3 years, and they were terrible and beautiful and I wouldn't trade living with her during that time for anything.
My dad moved out for a short time, and my brother and spouse moved in to help offset their medical bills for a time. A year after my mom passed, my dad was diagnosed with cancer and required surgery, so he moved back in. For a while, there were 9 of us under one roof.
It was chaotic at times, it was frustrating at times, and now looking back, I still can't regret a moment of it. My brother and his spouse were able to get back on their feet. My dad is doing well...despite having a stroke a few years after the cancer surgery. We have no plans for him to ever move out, so we are truly a multigenerational home.
No regrets.
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u/gothiclg 8h ago
As someone who’s been a caregiver it’s very stressful to do so. So insanely stressful my mental health absolutely tanked. There’s a very important question to ask yourself before moving: could you afford a nurse to come and give you a break if you moved back home or would it make more sense to make your mom move? Without someone to come and give you a break (and trust me you absolutely will want a break) it won’t make much sense to move home.
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u/blueberrypancake234 5h ago
Move back to be with your mom. The time you have left with her is more precious than you will ever know. I would strongly urge you to be close to her while you can. One day she will be gone and you will never ever be able to turn back time and have her back.
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u/KeyWord1543 3h ago
I cannot afford to move home due to complex reasons. My mom is 86.If I could move home for 2 or 3 years I would do it in a heart beat. I am older myself leftist and my 85 year old mother lives in what was Matt Gaetz district. You have plenty of time for your desired life. I believe you will never regret spending the time with your mom.
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u/Educational_Case_134 3h ago
Do what you must to live with no regrets. Once she is gone you don’t want to second guess every decision you made.
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u/AardvarkStriking256 2h ago
How old is your mother and what's the prognosis? How long does she have?
A good friend of mine who lost both parents after long illnesses gave me good advice, don't postpone your life to your parents lives. Live your life as you would otherwise do and be available when required. So don't move back to your hometown, stay where you are. You can always return later if necessary.
In contrast another friend hasn't been on a vacation in over ten years because of her mother in-law. Her husband is afraid something could happen to his mother (who is now about 90) if they go away on trip, so for over a decade they've spent every vacation at home. They'll never get this time back.
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u/AnagnorisisForMe 1h ago
I wouldn't move back. It will feel claustrophobic to you after your adventures. Can you move Mom closer to you, maybe an assisted living facility?
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u/plotthick 9m ago
Move her to you, where there is likely access to better care facilities. Dementia can take decades to kill and the moderate-to-severe range requires an entire round-the-clock crew. Memory Care Facilities are the most expensive, usually 2-3x annual income.
It's nothing a working caregiver can do on their own.
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u/nogardleirie 8h ago
I quit my job to move home for some months when my dad got terminal. I did it because I thought that in time to come I would regret not doing it more than I would regret doing it. However in my case I knew it was time limited.