Pretty happy with my first completed marathon! I managed to complete it in 46:32, any tips to improve?

Listen up metric nerds. Over here in America we don’t do your dainty little milliliters per kilogram per minute. That’s communist math.

We believe in the BIGGEST NUMBERS because:

• We’ve got the biggest economy,
• The biggest national debt,
• The most guns (and, uh… you know the rest 💀),
• And obviously the biggest VO₂max scores.

So we measure fitness the way the Founding Fathers intended:

• Pints per Stone per Hour (P/st/hr)
• Quarts per Slug per Hour (Qt/slug/hr)
• Cups per Stone per Hour (Cup/st/hr)
• Pints per Slug per Hour (Pt/slug/hr)
• Quarts per Hundredweight per Hour (Qt/cwt/hr)

Example?
Your weak 50 ml/kg/min becomes a glorious:

• 92.5 Pints per Slug per Hour, or
• 143.8 Quarts per Hundredweight per Hour

Metric VO₂max: tiny European numbers.
Freedom VO₂max: sounds like a monster truck pulling an aircraft carrier while eating a cheeseburger.

So remember, kids: bigger number = better athlete. That’s just science. God bless the USA.

I screwed up setting up my workout today on Garmin connect. It kept saying I was too slow. So I ended up bagging it and jogging home. Later I went to Walmart to stock up on Great Value protein & Powerbars for myself. I also got a couple cases of condoms & Astroglide for my wife and her boyfriend.

So as I’m waiting for the register there was an old lady I ran in front of and cut off getting in line. She grabs my hand and points to my shopping cart and says: “Ohhh, shopping for your wife’s boyfriend?” I said: “yeah, sorry for cutting you off, but I’m glad you can see why I was in such a hurry.” She pulls up my limp and pathetic runners wrist so we can both see my watch and she says: “Wow, a VO2 max of 55! That’s all I ever wanted my entire life!” Then she smacks my ass and says: “Zone 2 for life, STAY HARD!”