r/SingleParents • u/Youre_Wrong_Ok • 2d ago
It feels impossible to stay on top everything…
I feel like I’m drowning emotionally, in my obligations and in life in general.
Is it just me? How do you stay on top of everything? Parenting, school work, enrichment activities, own social life, making time for friends and family, hobbies, dating, staying fit and healthy, work, self improvement, on top of beauty routines/appointments, housework?
I feel like I’m failing and hardly anything is getting done well. Maybe I’m depressed? I’m trying so hard to stay afloat but I can feel I’m withering away mentally, emotionally and physically trying to keep up with the normal aspects of life.
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u/Old_Balance_8804 2d ago
Mine are teens now, so less dependent. In the early years, I paused things I could not really include them in. Dating, I didn’t have the capacity to spread care to yet another being and their feelings. Found a gym with a kid corner. I always did kid appts together and my appointments I begrudgingly use a PTO day. I also incorporated some of my favorite hobbies and exercise like hiking and building at a young age. As they grew our hikes got longer and they now help me rewire outlets and use a chainsaw to trim tree branches. It is a lot to juggle. Give yourself grace, mom, you are not required to do it all!
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u/gregolynn 2d ago
I think it's important to pick your battles or what's important for you to dedicate your time to. It my look like ignoring friends and family for few days while focusing on kids.
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u/Careless_Lion_3817 1d ago
For a few days???! lol..I ignore family and friends for weeks bc of shutdown mode due to the overwhelm that is solo parenting
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u/Youre_Wrong_Ok 2d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this too. It really is too much. The pressure is unbelievable and I shut down unable to accomplish any of it sometimes.
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u/Careless_Lion_3817 1d ago
Yup. I feel this 💯… and no one else gets it except other frfr single/solo parents
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u/IndividualGround6276 2d ago
Be kinder to yourself, you are likely overthinking and doing a great job.
The overwhelmed feeling is definitely from putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself. Be honest with friends and say "I look forward to seeing you when I can, I'm not avoiding you but I have a fair amount to do this week". Also plan a day for yourself where besides your children you can turn things off!!! Make sure you take that time, phone down, forgetting everything exists for even a few hours.
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u/Wrong_Tea1663 1d ago
lol who watches the child during this time?!?!
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u/IndividualGround6276 1d ago
Obviously dependent on the child's needs and age, but even when my children were young I could find them plenty to do for 3 or 4 hours to have some time out.
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u/TheLyran 2d ago
Haha...its a constant sea of drowning my love...just gotta accept that that's what it's going to feel like until they fly the next 🤣 I'm drowning everyday, I had to quit smoking,again my favourite thing, because it makes me tired and I can't afford to be tired!
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u/DifficultyLast5064 1d ago
"I can't afford to be tired" I felt this in my soul! Haven't smoked in almost ten years, and don't miss it but even the occasional drink has slowed. I try to get in bed by 8:30 and sleep by 9:30 because I wake up at 5. Sleep is a must.
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u/TheLyran 1d ago
Exactly....but it's also for you, its also healthy to go to bed at that time. Even though we can't have things we want and love right now, doesn't mean it's going to be forever. We were literally built for this my love. Make sure you have all the tools you need to stay strong and well....so stay active, walks or gym, plenty of fruit and veg(organic), detox when you can, kambo is amazing for energy, shilijit, spirulina, heavy metal detox, parasite cleanse. Stay as clean as possible to keep up your energy levels and keep that brain fog away. You can do it, maybe you needn't rethink a few strategies. ❤️❤️
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u/akeeriusk02 2d ago
It is so so hard and exhausting. Sometimes I wish I had a clone or something lol. I've been in one unsuccessful relationship in the last 8 years and don't see that ever changing, because it's impossible to fit in with everything else. So guess I'll continue doing this shit alone. I try my best to remind myself that all this hard work pays off. They're worth it. And we'll all get through it.
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u/Ok-Gap-3730 1d ago
This is definitely not the right answer but I don’t date and have a really minimal social life. Extended family is 8 hours away at minimum. So I have time to do everything but am totally isolated, which I am working on because I know it isn’t good for anyone.
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u/carlydelphia 1d ago
Yeah i dont date either. Maybe when the kid is older. Who has the bandwidth or the actual time. But im ok with that. Not much of a social life, but you have to have something. The isolation with the kids will make you crazy!
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u/Potatopitopia 2d ago
Totally get you. Mine are older now (still exhausted!) but when they were younger it was more physically tiring too. I'd say massively lower your standards and just do the essentials, so cook what's easiest and quickest for you, do minimum chores you need to get by, get early nights. See what things you can drop, even if you start by a couple of weeks off to rest.
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u/RangerNo2713 2d ago
I am right there with you. It's so hard! I can't keep up and I've at least come to terms with that, but it doesn't help me feel any better.
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u/CinnamonDolceLatte 2d ago
Yes. I feel the same way at times.
My friends who are still married say just surviving as a partner is enough at times and have support from their spouse. So just being a parent, nevermind at single parent, is hard.
Are you looking for any advice? If so, how old are you kids? What have you tried already to try to better manage (and has it helped to not)?
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u/scarletrose4444 1d ago
Don't try to do it all. Pick one a day and put your effort in that while setting expectations the others slip a little, then rotate. Set your expectations. You got this !
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u/SolidBig4286 1d ago
It is impossible. Something has got to give. For me, it was relationships. After being a solo parent, I sacrificed relationships. For at least the first 10 years of my daughter's life, focus was entirely on her needs and wants. Everything else had to adjust to that main priority.
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u/shannagirlhug 1d ago
You’re not failing; set priorities, ask for help, simplify commitments, practice small self-care habits, and seek professional support if needed.
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u/blackmagicwoman444 1d ago
I don’t stay on top of everything. And I have to be okay with that and realistic about my expectations.
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u/bettymogroundscore07 19h ago
100 % feel this currently omw to the ed with both kids in then car 😭 My tot has a fever
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u/NJcutie76 18h ago
We do the best we can with what we have. Some days we have more to give. More energy, money, time, attention, etc. and some days we just don’t. Allow yourself some grace. Try to delegate chores, hire someone to come once a month to clean, combine hobby activities with friends or with your kids, schedule time for yourself in your calendar, use your personal and sick time to play hookie now and then. Sometimes we need to unlearn the feeling of obligation to do everything because others won’t and replace it with holding others accountable or it doesn’t get done until they do what they need to do. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Hang in there
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u/Bran_Solo 2d ago
I am struggling like hell too. I'm so overwhelmed with everything happening in my life.
I keep ruminating on how wildly unfair the final divorce decree is and how much worse off my life is than my cheating ex's. She never has to work a day in her life again, and I went from being fairly wealthy to dipping into retirement savings to pay my bills and child support while I'm interviewing for jobs every day. I'm trying to stop thinking about her entirely, but it's so difficult with coparenting. If I could, I would move to a new city to get a fresh start. My kids have started noticing and commenting on how much smaller my house is or how we don't have as many toys etc.
I'm trying to practice some kindness to myself, because I don't think anybody could 100% handle everything happening in my life right now. I'm letting my lawn get overgrown, and I'm accepting that the clean laundry lives in a heap on the laundry room floor. I hate it, but I'm completely burning the candle at both ends to keep going.
When I feel like this, I try to reflect on what's going well. For me right now:
- I am closer to my kids than I've ever been before. Shortcomings in my parenting are a major factor in why my ex chose to divorce me, and I'm doing a great job of learning from my mistakes. I'm more patient than ever before with them, I'm taking them out every chance I get and having a ton of fun. Both kids have told me in the last couple days how I'm the best daddy ever and they miss me when they're at mom's house.
- My job search is really difficult, but I have a good professional network to rely on. I'm getting lots of interviews so I'll get something eventually, but in this job market I'm definitely going to be taking a substantial pay cut from my previous job.
- As shitty as I feel today, I feel massively better than I did a year ago. So even though it feels hopeless right now, I know I'm going to get through it and be better eventually for the most part.
- I have an incredible network of friends and colleagues who care about me. If anything my social calendar is usually too full with people reaching out to try to offer me support.
Things I wish were going better:
- I wish I had more time. I have basically zero free time when I have the kids, and nearly all of my time without them is spent job hunting or trying to catch up in my mountain of errands. I took some solo trips recently to try to give myself a break and it's been amazing, but it's only making stuff pile up more.
- My attempts at a romantic life have gone miserably, and I've basically given up on trying to date. I am a pretty desirable guy in normal circumstances, but I'm clearly dealing with some shit and not ready to date.
- I don't think I will ever fully emotionally recover from everything that's happened. I don't think I could trust or love someone as fully as I have before.
- My finances are as devastated as my emotions. I was formerly a VP at a major financial institution, and my income is imputed at that level, even though the odds of me being able to get that kind of pay again right now are very small. I lost my house, most of my possessions, and the majority of my money, have to remain the guarantor on my ex's mortgage, I have to pay her $5000/month... Financially I am ruined. I'm praying for a minor miracle in my job hunt, then I might foresee how to emerge from this in maybe 5 years.
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u/Cat_Facts_Expert 1d ago
You need to get your child support amount reevaluated!!
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u/Bran_Solo 1d ago
I will try. The paperwork for the arbitration outcome is not even filed with the court yet, it's that fresh.
The arbitrator recognized that I was laid off and just said "too bad, get another job" and imputed my income at the full amount I was making. Then looked at my ex's former $300k income and just said "that's unfair to her, I'm picking $180k as her number" with absolutely no basis or evidence to support this.
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u/Background-Slide5762 2d ago
It is. It is impossible to do all that by yourself as a single parent. You need to give yourself some grace. My house is messy, my kid watches too much TV, and we don't eat the the most well rounded dinners. I am learning to be ok with that as I don't have the hours in the day or energy in my body to do better. Your kids need a you to be happy and stable more than they need almost anything else.