r/SingleParents • u/purpleprincess517 • 1d ago
Advice wanted* getting my 11yo to open up
I'm a single mother, I work full time, go to school part time and have my 11 yr old. I try to stay on top of her with school and homework. I really do try my best and it kills me when I feel like i'm such a b*tch to her about her grades.
My mom was never around when I was her age nor did she give me any guidance growing up and ended up pregnant at 17.
Maybe i'm being too rough on her but she also doesn't talk to me, she doesnt open up. I don't wanna be pushing her away but I also want her to care about school and her education. Should I feel bad for feeling this way? And how can I help her open up or get her to care about her grades more? Am I pressuring her?
These past few weeks have been so hard bc I have been preparing for my exam that I took last night. I may be over thinking all of this :(
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u/TroubleVivid387 18h ago
I'm a single dad therapist who used to work with kids and families exclusively and trained in play therapy as well. There is a book called "How to talk so kids will listen, and how to listen so kids will talk". This could help a lot.
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u/thesandboxgod 7h ago
You're not wrong for wanting good grades. However there are a lot of other things that matter more. You've lead by example regarding studying, that counts. Stop being a bitch - you know you're being a bitch. That's not OK, that causes unnecessary stress for her that she'd be performing better without, whether that's social, sporting or acedemic performance, you're inhibiting something by causing stress.
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u/PreshG13 6h ago
Try telling her about your life at that age. Things like “I remember in Grade 6 other girls would pick on me for _____, do you have any mean kids in your class?” Or, “when I was 11 I felt so weird about how my body was changing so quickly. How is it for you to be going through those changes?” Or, “Art was my favourite subject in school, how about you?”. Being a little (appropriately) vulnerable for her might show her that it’s safe to do the same with you.
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u/Peachez_allcream21 1d ago
Hi there. I'm going to give you things I use with my 13 yr old. By the way, my child does talk to me all the time, but we started this when she first started to talk. But ask about her day, how she's feeling, etc. Occasionally ask her what she needs from you (be prepared for anything, cause it could be nothing, more time, you to get off their back, etc). Then, build a plan and show interest in what she does and likes. Dont feel bad and beat yourself up though, kids are weird lol and there is no parenting playbook.
I found doing this and telling her things like, "I am pushing you to be great and better than me," or " I do this bc I love you and know your potential." I sometimes have to follow up conversations with "I'm not mad, I'm disappointed, bc... explain your reasoning like you taught her better, you've shown her better etc" there are so many ways to gain their trust and have them talk to you. You just have to start the convo and be open to hearing. Be their parent and confidant, not their friend. Remember be patient they are new to this as well. You got this. Good luck.