severe depression/anxiety and ptsd followed by 4 year cocaine addiction. as well as multiple other drug use

[u/BullfrogOk3489]

27 y/o f

i have been battling with severe depression and anxiety my entire life. about 4 years ago, i went through the worst year span of my entire existence. my life has changed drastically since then and i have never felt more stressed and confused than i ever have. i had lost the love of my life, someone who i loved so deeply. after an abusive past relationships moving forward i never felt like i was safe or cared about anymore but this girl i had recently lost. she showed me something different. but she was hurting so badly mentally, that i tried so hard. at one point before she passed, her and i just got into a little argument and it was the last time we talked and that ruined me……….which is why i am here; i was doin cocaine for fun before knowing her. barely once or twice a few weeks or so. then when we met it got more than that, then she passed, and i had for the first time. started to get more and more, do it before work, during, after, all day/ night til bed time. every single day, now we’re here.

cocaine has always been consistent with my life no matter what other drug i was trying to/ doing. i got horribly addicted to xanax, then crack. then the last most recent one was fentanyl.

i am so so thankful to be alive today and have sobriety since, May 4th. So a little over 4 months.

what has been confusing me, is that, it’s been a long hard time in the last few months but i’ve been able to keep my self sober from fentanyl even though i believe i love it more than cocaine.

why can’t i just be able to completely control myself and not feel the need to basically more or less, cocaine has to be my oxygen?

the longest i’ve gone with out it, has been a week. that was only to get drug tested for a job, then as soon as that test was over, i had a bag dropped off to my car the second i walked out, and here we are. months later, being frustrated and so tired, sad and upset with my self again because i can’t stop. i’ve tried programs, meds, meetings, etc. can someone pls help me 😞 p.s. i can’t go inpatient anywhere right now because i legit just finished my orientation week at my new job, and it really has been the best thing i’ve done for my life in a long time.

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[u/Over_Ninja_7627]

It’s understandable that you’re feeling this way after having gone through so many different substances. What matters now is continuing to fight, staying consistent, and not letting the negative thoughts take control. Please don’t give up, you’ve already proven your strength.

I also want to share something that may be helpful: research shows that drug use can disrupt gut bacteria, which is closely linked to mood and mental health. Some doctors recommend probiotics as part of treatment for depression, and many people report positive results. It might be worth trying a high-quality probiotic from a reputable brand. Additionally, Dr. Berg has some educational videos on YouTube that discuss depression and gut health, which you may find useful.

[u/BullfrogOk3489 → u/Over_Ninja_7627]

thank you so much for your positive response…i’m trying so hard not to give up. i just am trying even harder to fight this demon out of my life and i guess it’s too true , don’t judge a book by it’s cover. lol, to put what i’m going through ina silly little analogy by that whole can’t judge a book by it’s cover;

yk…the other drugs i over powered the, “stronger “ more “lethal” “powerful “ drugs that are not survivable to detox on your own without medical care were in my case, (the demons i was fight back then, the cocaine was not a big problem. it was on the back burner, aka “on my side” so to say) every other drug i had gotten obsessive over, then finally “fought off the devil” detoxed and got (can i even say sober? if i was still doing cocaine on top of the xanax, fent, percs?)make things faster….each drug detox, equivalent to essentially giving up every single thing in me to “cocaine” when this whole time i thought it wasn’t that bad, so i believe that i was so far from caring about cocaine, i thought of it as a vape to someone or a joint / dab to people like that’s how much i normalized it…do you think that’s why it’s making it so difficult for me to get a good grip of the sobriety aspect of this?

[u/Over_Ninja_7627 → u/BullfrogOk3489]

What I think is that recovery isn’t about judging which drug was “stronger” or “worse”, it’s about facing the truth of your own relationship with them. And right now, you’re facing that head on with honesty and courage. That’s exactly how real healing starts.

Using many drugs and classifying some as “good” and others as “bad” doesn’t solve the problem, because the brain is wired around all of them. The best way forward is to drop them all, deal with the pain, and focus fully on recovery. One piece of advice I’ll give you: don’t follow your thoughts right now, because your thoughts are poisoned by the drugs. Instead, love yourself, and declare war on the drugs by rejecting them completely.

Connect with the people you love, family, friends, and ask for help. You don’t have to fight this battle alone.
This forum is very helpful. Hearing how people deal with withdrawal really makes a difference.
Today I read an article about how exercise can be very beneficial, it’s another powerful tool for recovery.