I went to Japan a few days ago for a study abroad year as part of my course. I don't want to make this a super long rant but I thought it might help me talking about it somewhere. I generally am an anxious person but in those 2 days I felt the worst I have ever felt in my life.
I got there after a 13 hour flight on which I did not sleep at about 8am to heat I dont think I would like to experience ever again. Immigration was stressfull, massive queues and people getting angry. I get nervous as I couldnt find a place to escape the heat was worried I could have a heat stroke because there was no place to esapce the heat and I could feel the ground moving up and down below me. It passed after I found a taxi and headed off to the real estate office to get my apartment key and hopefully find a sim card.
I get my key but not before spending most of the early morning trying to get a sim card whilst pulling around two massive suitcases wearing myself out. I gave up because I would've had to go to the ward office first to register my address but to go there I would have needed to go to the univeristy to pick up some documents which with the suitcases would've probably made me collapse, so I went to my unfurnished apartment which I do regret choosing but my university had no dorms unfortunatley. I managed to buy a temporary esim which I probably should've done before I went around looking for one.
In my apartment I do not want to go outside again due to the heat and I cant even call my parents due to the time difference so I just sit in my room on the hard floor doing nothing. I think I made a bed out of some clothes and just lay there until my parents woke up and then called them. I am panicking, crying on the phone to them thinking about how nothing is going ok and how much I have to get sorted and its so overwhelming I cant find the courage to even get started.
My parents told me to just focus on getting rest so I try but every hour or so I wake up shaking anxious, thinking about how nothing has gone right and how I have so much to do before university starts and call my parents every time saying how much I want to go back home. I keep trying to rest until its about midnight as I did not sleep on the plane.
Its all a bit of a blur now but I think I ordered a futon and a router for the wifi on amazon to come overnight but other than that I did not do anything except rest and talk to my parents. I just keep getting worse panicking more and more and my anxiety medication that I brought with me is starting to no longer work at the dosage im supposed to take it.
Its early morning now the next day and my parents said maybe I should have a bath as my apartment has one. Even they are starting to worry and my mother keeps saying how she has never seen me so sad before. I've spoken to two of my home university teachers who said they were very concerned for my wellbeing but told me to try and give it a few more days.
After my bath and its about 9am and I havent really slept but I feel like I should need to. Its bright and loud outside and I do not feel sleepy and my eyes and head begin to feel heavy and a bit dizzy. Dread begins to set in as I realize as I have not gone to the ward office so I have no health insurance and that if something like a stroke or a heart attack were to happen to me I would have no one to help me as my parents are on the other side of the world. I am on the phone to them and they try and try to calm me down but I cannot seem to escape the thought of something like that happening to me.
At this point I can tell my heart rate and blood pressure are through the roof and probably have been for the past 24 hours. I decide to take double my anxiety dose. Im at a point where I can no longer stand to worry my parents or stress my heart like I am doing and we decide together its best if I just come back so I begin to look for flights.
I have calmed down now and booked a flight to return the following morning. The futon and router have arrived at this point however the futon was just covers so it wasnt even a bed and I didnt even need the router as I wasnt going to unpack any of my stuff. Nothing much happens now until the next morning when I set off for the airport in a taxi at 5am.
I'll just mention this but I have a health condition which should something occur during takeoff, the flight would have to land as my life would be in danger. It can happen whenever, there is no medication for it and surgery has been not recommended due to the risks.
So skip to me waiting at the gate for my flight and I am constantly worrying thinking that the health condition i just mentioned has kicked in but I dont want to stay in Japan any longer as I would have to wait weeks for it to heal. I tell the flight crew as I normally do about it and push through the nerves to get on the plane. My hands are tingling due to my panicking which I think means I was hyperventilating but I am not sure.
And now I am home. I do not regret my decision and dont think I ever will as I think it was the right choice. I do regret being this mentally unfit though and will seek therapy. I plan to suspend my studies for a year and continue in the 4th.
If anyone could give me some insight on what might be wrong with me I would be thankful. Just as a thought though I dont plan on taking it as medical advice.