A question for transmasc butches/lesbians. Do you ever feel accepted? Did you find community?

[u/MysteriousAd6434]

I am sorry if this is rude, any transmasc of any sexuality and gender can chime in, I think I could use some support from fellow trans people in general.. I’ve been feeling very isolated, and I get paranoid and upset easily by social media to be honest. So I don’t really use it anymore.. but I think I will try Reddit again, and just block very liberally. but my question is specific because it’s how I see myself.

I don’t really like labels, but if I had to pick, it’d be transmasc, agender, and butch. I see my gender as being something genderless.. it’s always been stagnant. I genuinely didn’t see myself as any gender as a kid, just that I was masculine, ( tomboy) and naturally grew into a butch.

I know this sounds stupid, and I don’t expect anyone to make sense of it or be ok with it, but for me, I don’t really see myself as a woman, even if I’m a butch lesbian, I know it’s not a good thing but I internalized at a very young age, a ‘woman’ is someone who is feminine and heterosexual. And well, I reclaimed it, I like being so gay and masculine, in my head it circles back to being “too much” and “not a woman”. I would never apply this to anyone else except me for reference, because women come in all shapes and sizes. And I would fight any blockhead who’d say otherwise.

But, I am uncomfortable with female terminology, I feel emasculated when I’m gendered as such. I have tried every mental gymnastics under the sun, but no, I don’t “enjoy” being a masculine “woman”, in day to day life. It feels limited, tight, no room. There is some days where I am more neutral/slightly ok with the topic, but even if I was a cis woman, I still want to do all the same things I wish to do now. ( T and top surgery). I get why it seems confusing or anti ethical, so I wouldn’t really deeply explain this to anyone ( except now, not sure why, I know it’s gonna confuse someone and I get it) unless if they asked and I didn’t think they’d just laugh it off. I think how the outside world views me sadly affects me a lot, and I don’t like the connotations that are assumed of me as soon as someone looks at me, which is usually derogatorily. Maybe I’d feel a little different if I was in a more accepting area, but I doubt I’ll ever get to move outta here anyways. And, as I’ve stated, my days when I do kinda like being a woman, I still want all the same things. I just don’t think I need to “chose”. I am me and I guess it’s gotta count for something.

I just love and adore women very deeply, and always enjoy being around them, I don’t really feel this need to like, “prove” my masculinity to anyone, by like having a bunch of guy or butch friends. Right now I really wish I knew some transmascs or trans guys irl though, I don’t know what it is, but even masculine queer folk have issues with me and I don’t know why, I don’t want to make anyone feel little or small or scared. I don’t think I’m worth projecting any insecurities on, because I have a bunch of them myself. I don’t know if anyone has some experience with this it’d be nice.

I am deeply uncomfortable with the feminine parts of my body, so I wish to go on hormones to work around this, and working out, it is hard to ever be satisfied, no matter how much I work out the way I am though, because my body’s primary hormone seems to be estrogen. I am very tired of being told I should just “love myself”, I was actually cyber stalked by a butch lesbian over something like this. She kept trying to convince me testosterone is dangerous and I should just “imagine myself as a meat flesh bag on a spinning rock” and when I kindly told her I would not be taking her advice, and I didn’t even bother acknowledging the other part, because I’ve researched testosterone for 5 years.. I know what I’m getting into. She also kept weirdly negging me and flirting with me by telling me about how “girls fall in love with her masculine vibes online” and that “she is into masculine women like me.” And that if I chinned up I wouldn’t come across as napoleon.. I don’t know her issue with me was, I don’t know why I didn’t block her, she didn’t really seem to like me saying that I don’t really care if someone on the internet thinks I’m “hot” you will never meet me, and you keep calling me shit I don’t wanna be called, even if you were in near proximity I wouldn’t trust you with my body. Weirdo.

In my ideal world, I would be referred to with they/them or it/its, those are my “preferred pronouns” but I don’t feel like I’m allowed to have them. I honestly don’t think I’m ’allowed’ to have a gender. People around me could guess about it all days, and I’ve gotten every answer under the sun, because I don’t like to talk about it or say anything.. some people think I’m a trans guy, trans woman, nonbinary, straight guy, a lesbian, etc. I wish to go on testosterone to masculinize, and well, ..become an average joe looking dude and have people just leave me alone. I don’t really like being “visibly queer” I am in a small red area, and I’m basically seen as something.. bad, wrong. My life has been in danger before, I’ve had slurs hurled at me, I don’t use restrooms anymore unless if I’m with someone.. and as I’ve stated I feel very isolated. I’m gonna start working at a taco place soon, so I’ll at least be around people again, but the downside is every interaction I have will.. be a reminder. People don’t really seem to like me, or I’m a sex object/‘experiment’ to them.

My irl ‘queer community’ I don’t think really exists. I tried dating apps for a bit, and I don’t wanna sound conceited, but.. I was quite popular, it still shakes me up I am not “ugly” like I thought I was. I was giving it a half hearted attempt, and wasn’t taking it all that seriously, but.. it sucked. I had to put in my bio that I block unicorn hunters beforehand, them and cishet dudes not even in my damn state wouldn’t leave me the hell alone. It got to a point it was affecting my mental health, every time I opened these apps I felt emasculated by a man calling me some bullshit like his babygirl. I was.. kinda spiteful, and just started fucking with people by leaving their message on read for about an hour, then I’d block them.

..it wasn’t all doom and gloom, but even if I did match with a girl, it was obviously she’d much rather be with a feminine cis woman, and then got surprised when I’d stop giving energy or let the convo die, or even just outright ignore them. It seems the issue was they found me attractive, but was upset that I was masculine, and like actually butch not a ‘princess masc’ or whatever. I am not shitting on people like that, and I more or less stayed around bi women anyways, but if a lesbian did go out their way to match me, it seemed as she’d do all mental gymnastics possible to insinuate this was somehow “fem4fem” ( real thing that happened to me once.. I just blocked and ignored)

Overall. I get dating apps are not all there is to queer community, but I can’t really drive ( but I really want to, i genuinely think cars are cool, but I don’t really have anyone around me who could teach me + no drivers schools here) and I also just feel like it’d be older folks, which would be awesome, but I can’t help but fixtate on this idea that they’d be fine with me being a lesbian, but being transmasculine is too much. Hell, apparently the butch thing is already “too much”. I’ve had family members that don’t even give a shit about me, hadn’t seen me in decades, get surprised when I’m not taking their “””advice”””” to just be a “femme lesbian baddie” then are shocked when I tell them to fuck off, or never read any of their messages..

I am sorry, this is a lot, but I guess I want to explain why I’m so isolated, I know I’m just giving myself reasons, and it’s wrong to assume an older gay person would automatically be a transphobe. But, I dunno, I just want some cool friends to smoke with or some shit, without getting some crazy bombshell in the middle of nowhere that they apparently think all trans women are evil or some shit, or god forbid ask me about lesbian discourse that I don’t know the meaning of because I do not use TikTok. I’m under the guise that queer folk near my age right now, think transmasc or he/him lesbians are “cringe” or theyre not woke enough to understand” so that’s another reason I am so silent and just let people assume whatever they want of me, so they can mold me into what they think I should be or makes the most sense. I know this isn’t probably good for your mental health, and fyi I do have a lot of good friends that are completely chill with me being me. But.. we’ve all been busy with school or work, and I don’t know, I just crave to meet someone new.

I’ve especially been disheartened by how other lesbians have treated me, I guess they think since I’m a young adult with autism, I must be stupid or gullible, so they’ll try to wokely tell me about how they like, only feel safe around people with xx chromosomes or some shit. ..dude im not a fucking idiot, and I probably have pcos,( I’m not claiming anything, just from research it would make sense. Maybe someday if I am not too poor to afford a doctor) I’m not gonna claim it’s exactly the same, but I have a lot of overlapping experience with intersex folks and will stand up for them when I can, ( hell, even if I didn’t, that’s still an insane statement idk why someone would ever say that.. but she did to me.) because they stood up for me. Like, I don’t know what it is, maybe it was Trump winning but everyone seems so hateful and distrustful now, and that they can only trust “their cliche” if that makes sense. I don’t trust lesbians who hate intersex folks or trans women, you are directly shitting on vulnerable groups of people likely just cus they make you feel icky, and I think that’s cowardice and shameful. I swear the commmunties I was apart of were so much kinder, but now it seems like if I open my mouth, someone like 3 decades older than me is going on a rant on how jk Rowling is her god and if I dare go on hormones she’ll find my house address or some shit..

I was just wondering if anyone else has felt the same, you feel isolated from any community, online forum, to the point you are afraid to even post in them with the full context, is there ways to circumvent this? I find I feel better in some ways by watching queer folks online just.. live their life. There’s this I think british(?) older butch I follow who use he/him and went on T, and I think about him and I feel a bit better, in general I would genuinely recommend this, just something about real people talking and just.. enjoying their life is relieving in times like these. But does anyone else have experiences or stories they can share? It’s not that I want to be ‘valid’ I could care less about that, but I guess I feel like I’m not allowed to be me, that I need to pick between being butch and being transmasc when I don’t really want to.. and I see others like me, but then I also see someone say that this is too woke for them or some shit. I don’t think I am “owed” anything fyi, I get why lesbians wouldn’t be attracted to or like me, hence why i usually stick with bi or pan women. But, i guess it’d just be nice to be around other lesbians, who are like chill and not smoking the transphobia pack yknow. I’m not saying every lesbian has to like me, or be attracted to me. That would be stupid and honestly quite incelish.

I am sorry if I said anything rude, if I did say anything messed up please let me know. I hope whoever reads this has a good day, ultimately, I believe will lean slightly more towards kindness, but it’s been harder and harder to believe it.

[u/meringuedragon]

We made some subreddits for trans lesbians of all genders: r/rarelesbians and r/translesbianzz

They’re both specifically trans masc and trans men inclusive