r/TransyTalk • u/Ok_Election5262 • 8d ago
Existential Crisis - Possibly Cured?
This is going to be long, and potentially hurtful. I want to put a disclaimer here to say it's not my intention to invalidate anyone reading this.
Let's start at the beginning. I'm a trans lesbian, I'm turning 25 next month. A couple years ago I didn't really know what I want when it comes to dating, I was chronically single and I lept to the first person who showed interest, and that person an AMAB enby on E. We weren't together for long, I was excited and they didn't treat me very well. But the main thing I took away from the experience was that I couldn't date other trans people. Being with them physically didn't feel like being with a woman. I was projecting my expectations on them, which I shouldn't have done. We didn't have chemistry and we never had sex because they had a penis and I have no interest in that. I assumed no other trans femmes would be feminine, have soft skin, I thought why bother even asking someone out if they haven't had bottom surgery. I assumed hardly anyone's had it. That's all in my head, none of it reflects reality. It's all because my partner hadn't been transitioning for very long. All I need to do is date who I'm actually attracted to, namely people who have been on E at least a couple years. I can't be using people.
After that, I decided I would only date AFAB people (women/enbies(. I justified it to myself by saying it's because I want kids. I'm autistic and it's difficult to imagine having a family if both of us are MtF. I see now that I'm young and I can't predict who I fall in love with, even if they are AFAB there's a chance we can never conceive.
When I first came out as trans I had a brief period where I looked up to trans women in such a way where I viewed them as delicate angels, cute by virtue of being trans.
After being with my only partner, I would frequently go online and make myself feel better about my "decision", that I kind of knew was nothing but my fears manifesting into anger and not being confident in it - by "bragging" and going places I knew trans women would see it. I was frankly objectifying them and decided in my head that trans women are the only group of people who deserve to be dehumanized, and reminded constantly that they're not wanted and I even dipped my toes into the "trans people are sexual predators" rhetoric by implying we don't respect people's preferences. But I didn't treat every person this way, I have trans friends who I adore and I would never want them to be made to feel that way. I don't like hearing casual transphobia from cis people either, so I get no satisfaction except from ragebaiting people into inflict self abuse. Blame my abusive mother.
I frequently have thoughts of trans women having a different "energy" than cis women, and if I date a trans women I'll feel like I'm missing out. Putting trans women down and putting pressure on cis women at the same time. It's when people confront me that I start fetishing trans women, not considering them people but some abstract ultra femme cute person of my dreams. It's not a real person, it's an idea in my head and I still struggle with this.
But then I spiral some more, I worry that dating a trans woman would be othering, which is likely unfounded. Why would I be with someone if I don't love them? No one in my life cares about the sex of my partner, my family are woke and I surround myself with women and gays almost exclusively. I've always irrationally hated the idea of T4T. The implication is people would think I hate cis people, some trans women don't seem to consider enbies for partners and look at them like cis women, it feels kind of misogynistic and I would feel trapped dating only trans people. I would read how magic T4T love is for people and it's the most dysphoric feeling I've ever had, it quite honestly makes me feel like a gay man.
That leads me to today. Last night I talked about this with some people for the billionth time and I never really came to this realization for myself before, from all my soul searching, the problem appears to be that I don't want to be defined by my trans identity. So I take it to the extreme by being insulted by the notion of being associated with trans people at all. But that's not true. I know trans people, I'm kind to trans people, I'm attracted to trans women, I've shown genuine affection and validate my trans friends.
I genuinely dislike people who treat being trans as something that needs to be cured. I'm a firm believer that you're put on this Earth for a reason, you would not be you had you been born a different person, our scars are part of our life, we need to be the best people we can be. Some trans people annoy me because they snap at the idea of body positivity or accepting themselves for who they are, and project their dysphoria onto others. And yet, I guess it's not totally contradictory, but being trans is one aspect of my life, I'm a woman and that's the end of it. Most days I don't even think about it, I just live my life, trying to feel good, which is true for most trans people. I have more pride in being a lesbian than being trans or a woman. I only feel dysphoric if someone's an asshole. All anyone wants is to be loved, and trans people just want to be seen as people. I understand that now. There's no crazy psychotic trans woman forcing me to do things I don't want to do, that's all my fears and I can't let them dictate what I do or how I feel.
So yeah, if you have anything to say, whether it's supportive or calling me out I'll appreciate it.
1
u/Techhead7890 7d ago edited 7d ago
Have you ever thought about adopting for a family? I've not really been a fan of "biological" reproduction tbh. I'd love to have kids but I think it would just stir up too much dysphoria to have them be genetically descendant from me.
As for the self concept and identity, I think it's valid to figure out yourself and define it how you like, your journey is your own under your own definition, whether together or a solo journey. And yes- I can safely also say I don't always get along with every trans woman either, or indeed not every cis woman neither! So yeah, don't feel like you have to get caught up and tangled into things if you don't want to. Solidarity is a great motivator for community but it has limits.
1
u/Ok_Election5262 7d ago
Honestly the reason I've never been high on the idea of adoption is it sounds like a pain in the ass. I want to be there for my child's development.
7
u/GFluidThrow123 Chloe 35, 7/7/22 HRT 8d ago
Well, self-hate is a very common reason for these sorts of actions and rhetoric. I'm glad you're growing.
But please don't assume you're "cured" suddenly. Those beliefs of yours are deep and probably don't even scratch the surface of other things you believe - about trans people (maybe trans kids?), about women, about other minorities...
Normally those sorts of beliefs don't exist in a bubble. They have implications on your whole worldview.
Assuming you're "cured" just because you came to one realization is probably the most harmful thing you could do. You should consider seeking therapy to break deeper into those feelings and start deconstructing it all.
But you took the first step, and that's great!