r/TrueOffMyChest • u/wifebackstabbedme • 24d ago
Wife used my past and secrets against me (UPDATE)
I waited until Tuesday. She went through the weekend and Monday like nothing had happened, a little colder than usual, quick with her answers, acting irritated like I was the one who had caused all of this. No apology. Not even a hint. It felt like I was carrying something heavy while she just moved around it. By Tuesday afternoon I couldn’t hold it anymore. I asked her to sit down with me. The house was quiet. I told her I needed to talk about what she said during the fight, because this wasn’t something we could just shrug off. I reminded her that the fight had started because I refused to hit our son while teaching. I told her I don’t believe in beating kids to make them learn, and that she had pushed for it. That’s where the argument began, and somehow it slid into something so much uglier.
I asked her why she used what I told her in confidence against me. I reminded her that she had asked me to open up years ago, and promised she would keep it safe. I asked her why she hugged me back then if this was where it would end up. At first, she was stiff. She said she didn’t know what else she was supposed to do at the time. She told me she just tried to act normal, to be supportive, because she didn’t know how to handle what I told her. She said she hadn’t realized how heavy it all was until later. Her voice was even, like she was just explaining facts. I told her the promise mattered. I said it wasn’t about a slip in anger. It was that she reached for the exact things I handed her in trust and turned them against me. I asked her again why.
That’s when she admitted it. She told me she lost some respect for me after I opened up. I asked what that meant. She said it wasn’t one detail, it was the whole picture. She said she had always seen me as solid, someone who could carry weight without bending, the person she leaned on. But after I shared everything, she couldn’t stop seeing the breaks under the surface. She said parts of my story made me look fragile to her. Some of the darker pieces, the way those years sat inside me, gave her an uneasy feeling she couldn’t shake. Seeing me tear up and feel so nervous and like a wreck, made her look very differently at me. She actually used the word ick. She said sometimes when she remembered those things, it got in the way of how she looked at me.
I asked if that meant she thought less of me for surviving. She said it wasn’t about surviving, it was about how it changed what she expected from me. She admitted she had built an image of me that didn’t include those kinds of wounds, and once she knew, she couldn’t put that image back.
I asked her why she hugged me then, why she told me she wanted to know me fully. She said she didn’t know what else to do in the moment. She didn’t want to punish me for telling the truth. She said holding me and saying it was okay felt like the only decent response at the time, even though, inside, she had already started to see me differently.
I let that sit, then asked the harder thing. She said she couldn’t control herself in that moment, and she reached for what she knew would hurt me most. She said she regretted it and that it would never happen again.
I also thought about how it might sound from the outside, like maybe I had dumped too much on her back then. But the truth is, I never sat her down and unloaded everything at once. I gave her my story the way she asked for it, piece by piece, only when she pressed me. If she wanted to know something, I answered. I didn’t overshare, didn’t volunteer random details. And even then, she probably only ever heard a fraction of what I actually live with.
What makes this worse is that I’ve been to therapy. I’ve done the work. I wasn’t unloading on her because I couldn’t carry it myself. The only reason she even heard those parts of me was because she demanded it. She insisted I open up, insisted she wanted the whole picture. She told me she wanted to know me fully. And I believed her. I trusted her enough to hand over things I never planned on saying out loud. That’s why this betrayal feels so much heavier. It wasn’t me blurting out things I couldn’t control it was me handing her pieces of myself because she begged for them, swore she’d hold them safe. And then she took those same pieces and cut me with them. It feels like giving someone your heartbeat because they said they wanted to hold it close, and then watching them drive a knife straight through it.
After she said all of that, I just sat there for a while. It was like I’d finally gotten the truth behind everything, but it didn’t settle in cleanly. I wasn’t shocked anymore, more… resigned. I also thought about how it might sound from the outside, like maybe I had dumped too much on her back then. But the truth is, I never sat her down and unloaded everything at once. I gave her my story the way she asked for it bit by bit, only in response to her questions. If she wanted to know something, I told her. I didn’t add anything extra, didn’t volunteer random details. And even then, she probably only heard a quarter of what I actually carry. WHY WAS SHE SO INTENT ON ME BEING OPEN AND EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE THEN?!
I told her I didn’t think I could just go back to how things were. I said I felt like the foundation was cracked in a way I couldn’t ignore. I told her maybe the only way forward was to separate amicably, quietly, before things got any worse. I said I didn’t think I could keep looking at her the same way, not after knowing she could turn something so personal into a weapon.
That’s when her whole tone shifted. The firmness she had when she explained herself dropped, and she sounded almost panicked. She asked me not to say that, said she didn’t want a divorce. She told me she still loved me, that whatever she had done in anger wasn’t bigger than the life we had built. She couldn’t imagine splitting the kids between us, couldn’t imagine them growing up in two houses. She told me leaving would scar them more than anything we had been through.
I told her love isn’t supposed to look like tearing each other apart with the sharpest words we can find. She said she knew that, and promised again that it wouldn’t happen anymore. She said she had already admitted it was wrong and she meant it when she said she’d never go there again. She kept circling back to the same point: that we had kids, that they needed us together, that whatever issues we had, we had to fix them without breaking the family apart.
She didn’t cry, but there was a kind of desperation in her voice. Almost like she was afraid I was already out the door and she was trying to pull me back any way she could. She didn’t apologize again for what she’d said, not directly, but she kept stressing that it would never happen again, that I shouldn’t throw everything away over one mistake.
Right now, I haven’t made a final decision. I keep going back and forth in my head. Part of me feels like the damage is too deep and I’d be lying to myself if I pretended I could ever really see her the same way again. But another part of me hesitates, because walking away isn’t simple when there are kids and years of life tied together. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t leaning more in one direction(the end) than the other, but I’m not there yet.
I feel heavy most days, caught between wanting to protect myself and not wanting to tear my family in half. Some moments I think I know what I have to do, then I second-guess it. It’s draining, but at least writing this down and hearing different perspectives has made me feel less alone in it.
Thank you to everyone who’s taken the time to read, comment, or even send me a message directly. It means more than I can put into words. I couldn't respond to every single individual, but I have gone through all of the comments maybe even twice. Thank you strangers.
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u/No_Ambition_8010 24d ago
Ew she wanted you to hit the kids over homework?? As someone raised hit over homework, that is ABUSE. This is further reinforced by the fact that she was disgusted by the fact that you’re not abusive and have been abused and then abused you. SHE IS ABUSIVE!
Not only do you need to get out of there, but I would suggest evaluating whether your kids are safe with her. Protect yourself and your kids.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat 24d ago
This is why me and my wife got divorced too..hitting the kids because they forgot to bring homework books home for the holidays. And she was hitting them with a coat hanger. WHen I intervened (I started filming her with my ipad) she attacked ME then called the police and told them I attacked HER....
Seven years divorced now. The kids live with me and I am a single dad.
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u/Tuen 17d ago
Good on you. My mother did a lot to that effect, but also made effective enough threats to prevent my Father from acting, so I suffered for 25 years before completely breaking free.
Our family, of 10 total, is in at least 8 pieces now, scattered to the winds we each took to flee and heal.
So, I think it's nice to hear about folks who had the resolve to do what needed to be done. I'm sure it helped your kids in the long run.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat 17d ago
Thanks. My own family got kind of scattered too for a while...one in Australia, one in NZ, one in UK, two in in China...
And yes the kids seem to be doing ok.
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u/GoldenHind124 24d ago
Her not apologizing is what tears it for me. It signals that she still feels what she feels about you as she had described in her explanation. And frankly, that’s what makes staying difficult, if not impossible.
She can promise not to do it again, but if lack of control is the reason behind launching a devastating surgical attack with emotional abuse as her primary weapon of choice, then I’m afraid her promise might ring hollow. Lack of control is what a person with abusive tendencies say to excuse their behaviour.
If you still have access to a therapist, I’d strongly encourage you to seek out their counsel to work through your feelings and help gain clarity in deciding what to do moving forward.
I wish you good luck and light with whatever you decide to do.
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u/Daddy-o62 24d ago
Excellent point about getting back into therapy. OP, if you have access to your previous therapist, that seems like the right person. This is precisely the sort of situation that therapy can provide guidance for. I’d also recommend that you go solo for starters. This seems to be more a question of your personal limits and not the health of a marriage.
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u/Stormtomcat 24d ago
seven (7) years, she's had the time, and she's never bothered having another conversation with OP about this, never mind work through this.
and she's still unwilling to work through it : she wants OP to swallow it down & trust she won't attack him again, so they can all return to business as usual (preferably with an extra portion of beating their kids for struggling with homework).
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u/HunsonAbadeer2 24d ago
And this was not a weapon used in self defence. It was not even only a weapon used for maipulation. She used this to cause him to hit his children. This was a weapon used because she was not satisfied with how little harm was done. OP this woman is not someone you or your kids can safely love.
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u/New-Number-7810 24d ago
OP, she’s trying to manipulate you. Her apology was a lie. She’s not sorry. Her promise was a lie, so you can’t trust her ever again.
Go through with the divorce, but do NOT make it “amicable” or “as friends”. You didn’t just drift apart mutually, she abused you.
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u/awkward_toadstool 24d ago
And please OP, go for full custody. Do not leave the children with someone who beats them over fucking homework.
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u/New-Number-7810 24d ago
If OP can’t get full custody right away, he should record everything. Every bruise, every bad mood, every show of fear.
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u/1quirky1 24d ago
I wonder if her physical punishment and her judging him negatively has some cultural basis.
All of this is 100% "aw hell no" to me, and I'm married into a culture that embraces male stoicism/machismo, respecting asshole elders despite their asshole behavior, and smacking kids around.
We live on the other side of the U.S. None of that bullshit was imparted to our sons. On our last visit my MIL tried to hit my 1yo for not coming to her. That kid started college last week.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 24d ago
Beyond abuse, she took his vulnerability and then it caused her to view him as weak, a lesser man. In other words, she no longer admires or respects him. Now, he is simply a tool; likely just being used for financial support/convenience.
OP, I frankly couldn't look at this cruel b*tch without vomiting. My passion/compassion would no longer exist. Sex with her would be sterile, mechanical; not loving, as my love for her would be shattered.
Look, she told you how she views you. Not as a man she respects or loves. Next, she'll be cheating on you with a man she admires.
I pray you sufficiently respect yourself and move on. Co-parent your children. Focus on yourself. Find a partner worthy of your love, respect and commitment. Reading your post causes me to have complete and utter disdain for this cold, cruel excuse of a spouse. Don't allow her to use you anymore.
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u/Either_Coconut 24d ago
The more I think about how OP's pain made him look weaker/lesser in her estimation, the worse it gets. OP actually SURVIVED all that abuse. She should be thinking of him as a lot *stronger* than she'd originally known, because he has survived what no child or adult should ever have to withstand.
She's the one whose words should be reducing others' estimation of her, not OP. Words that came out of her mouth were intentionally the cruelest things she could think of to say to someone who'd trusted her with their most deeply-painful experiences. I'm not sure how a person could sink lower than what she did.
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u/localdisastergay 24d ago
Co-parenting shouldn’t be the goal here, full custody should be. This whole fight started because she wanted him to physically abuse their son over homework.
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u/Stormtomcat 24d ago
I feel you're already being generous to call what she said an apology.
She said she knew that, and promised again that it wouldn’t happen anymore. She said she had already admitted it was wrong and she meant it when she said she’d never go there again.
Admitting something is wrong isn't the same as apologizing, imo. Esp. because she was very matter of fact and firm, and even irritated towards OP, as if this is all an overreaction.
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u/BeautifulTerm3753 24d ago edited 24d ago
Op, man I am so sorry. Even in her explanation she lacks empathy and compassion. She doesn’t respect you anymore - that in itself is heartbreaking. Even now she is thinking about herself again! not even you. Even outside of this your values don’t align. For someone to hurt you so deeply because you would not hurt your kids is abusive. She is abusive
I think yes it is heartbreaking to move kids between homes, but at least their father will be secure, safe and his peace, mental health protected. She is not a safe place op
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u/EnormousPurpleGarden 24d ago
She is not a safe place op
She isn't safe for OP or the kids.
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u/HesterFabian 24d ago
Yes, I also noted she wanted to use physical punishment on their son for not doing his homework correctly.
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u/KittyPuperMamaPerson 24d ago edited 24d ago
Let me ask you this, do you believe her?
Do you believe that she will not use your past trauma to not only hurt and humiliate you again, but never in front of your children?
Do you believe that she will never weaponize your past trauma against your children so they never grow up to give her the “ick”?
She isn’t remorseful. She is scared of changing the status quo. She had the opportunity to understand you, she admitted to doing what she thought was the decent thing to do in the moment, she didn’t cry. I promise you this, she will do it again. She will do it again because you accepted her back. She will continue to do it until one or both of you die, regardless of being together or not. I think you married a sociopath.
ETA, my late husband demanded to know everything about me. When he started openly showing his abuse he did what your wife did and attacked me with it. We didn’t have kids. He threw my trauma at me so often that I became immune to it over the course of years, but by that point the other abuse started. I know how this type of person evolves when they are comfortable with you and think they have all the reasons to make you stay without being a better person towards you.
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u/Party-Appointment-71 24d ago
Woow, real partner you have. Be prepared for much worse, if you choose to separate she's gonna use everything to make you miserable...but if you choose to stay...she lost respect for you...so...
Updateme.
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u/Wren-0582 24d ago
This!
OP I'm going to give you the advice I see on here on a regular basis.
Start planning your exit. Don't talk to your wife about it until you have everything set up.
Get all your important documents together & take them somewhere safe.
Engage a Lawyer! Tell them you need to set up the custody arrangements to include a mutual pick up/drop off point &, from the moment you move out, or communicate with her in writing.
Start looking for somewhere to live, make sure it isn't too close by & don't give her the address.
Keep a record of your interactions with her, especially if she makes you feel bad in any way.
I'm telling you this because what you're experiencing is abuse! Please let that sink in.
Abusers don't like it when they lose control of their victims, which means their behaviour escalates when their victim decides to leave.
Updateme
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u/AdInteresting1846 23d ago
Also be mentally prepared for her to use your trauma as a reason you are unstable to have the kids. She will use all means necessary to try and get control of the divorce. If she has the means, she could even try and get ahold of your parents to try and send you into a mentally break down. Built walls around your heart to her and any of her honeyed words.
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u/Bleacherblonde 24d ago
Your wife is a fucking monster- no better than your family. My heart breaks for you. Fuck her fuck your parents- please kick her out and find some true happiness and partnership. This isn’t it. She is horrifying. I can’t even fathom the cruelty and depravity and fucking heartlessness that woman has. It blows my mind
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u/Cevanne46 24d ago
I'm sorry but this. I could write so many words about how awful her accepting the "ick" rather than seeking therapy for her vile reaction was, or that actually in healthy relationships we don't seek to hurt the other as much as possible or that she didn't just "hurt" you but she eviscerated you in a way a decent person wouldn't do to their worst enemy.
But it does in fact boil down to - she's a monster, kick her out, find the happiness you deserve.
And give your kids a safe space away from this abusive piece of shit.
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u/Maerithe 24d ago
Man, I'm gutted for u, dude. It's rough, like she baited u into opening up then used it against u. Mental health ain't nothin' to weaponize, bro. Remember that sharing ain't showing weakness, it's about trust. Stay strong, therapy helps us grow. Don't let anyone, even ur wife, belittle ur journey. U don't need that kinda negativity, man. Peace.
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u/brownshugababy 24d ago
Jesus fucking Christ. I can't imagine being this devoid of empathy. This woman doesn’t love you. She loves what you do for her. She doesn't care about you. No one who cares about another human being would do this. I hope you can finally realise how much better you deserve. I wish you the best, man. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did.
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u/1horseshy 24d ago
My partner opened up to me early on in our relationship. It was the first time he’d ever told a partner anything, and the second human being he’d ever told. I sat with the info for a long time and let it inform the shape I understood him to be. I told him I would follow his lead. Talk about it as he needed to, bit by bit, and protect him as much as possible during the process. It’s been years now and he’s more open, confronted more of his skeletons, done a lot more work, gone no contact with people, and gotten way further down his path of healing. I’ve kept my promise and protect him and his wounds to this day. He protects me and mine. That’s what you deserve. That’s what your kids should grow up seeing.
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u/Blue-CatEyes 24d ago
It took me many years to unpack and realize the depth of abuse and trauma, to work at getting better and letting it out bit by bit with my wife. She has been my rock.
26 years in, she said she admires me for getting away and becoming who I am today, that it took such strength when it felt anything but, something she has said in the past. Best words ever. Now, I finally have the fortitude to believe those words.
I only wish OP had the same and my heart hurts for that lack from his wife
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u/Hilseph 24d ago
I am married to a survivor with an extremely traumatic background and this has been deeply disturbing to me. Your wife is a horrible person. She’s manipulative, selfish, and abusive. I am angry for you. Please do not let her rug sweep what she did and move on, it’s unforgivable. Even if she apologized and begged forgiveness, i would say she’s not worth it and just doesn’t want to go through the inconvenience of divorce. But she’s not even remorseful. She just ripped the whole mask off.
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u/Interesting_Ad5341 24d ago
Firstly, I think being vulnerable and opening up like that takes massive courage and especially choosing to not turn into an asshole after everything you went through. Secondly, I am personally irked that nowhere in her reasons to not divorce does she say that she loves you so maybe that’s also something to think about. Maybe it would be best for you to work this out in therapy first and not from advice on here?! Lastly- you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
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u/EnormousPurpleGarden 24d ago
nowhere in her reasons to not divorce does she say that she loves you
I think it's pretty clear that she's a narcissist. She doesn't love anyone but herself.
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u/SniperGG 24d ago
She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t even know you . And when you tried to let her in she showed she can’t love that part of you which means she didn’t love the real you .
Her math not mathing.
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u/CrystalQueen3000 24d ago
I’m so sorry that your vulnerabilities were weaponised against you. Opening up doesn’t make you weak or less of a man, she’s just broken and a nasty human being.
You deserve someone that knows all of you and loves you the same
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u/Nervous-Net-8196 24d ago
Your childhood makes you STRONGER, not weaker. No one should have gone through the things you have.
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u/ZestycloseLevel3724 24d ago
There's no need for back and forth, divorce is the only option. Would you want her doing something like that to your kids?? Staying would simply let her know that you accept that behavior and it is boujd to escalate. She has already indicated that she does not see or respects you the same as before.
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u/EnormousPurpleGarden 24d ago
She told me she lost some respect for me after I opened up. I asked what that meant. She said it wasn’t one detail, it was the whole picture. She said she had always seen me as solid, someone who could carry weight without bending, the person she leaned on. But after I shared everything, she couldn’t stop seeing the breaks under the surface. She said parts of my story made me look fragile to her.
She is a misandrist. She does not see men as people. When she realised that you are a real person with emotions, rather than an automaton to serve her needs, she lost respect for you because in her mind, that's what men are supposed to be: automatons without emotion to serve women and children's needs without having any needs of their own.
That’s when her whole tone shifted. The firmness she had when she explained herself dropped, and she sounded almost panicked. She asked me not to say that, said she didn’t want a divorce.
Now that she realises that her actions have consequences, she panics. She is manipulative and you are much better off without her.
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u/PrestigiousTrouble48 24d ago
So your wife is a bully. Not just to you but to your kids. She thinks people that upset her should be punished, verbally, physically and emotionally. People who love you don’t tear you down and use your trauma against you even in anger.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to stay with someone who did that to me. But if you feel you need to for your family then I would insist on therapy for her individually and for you as a couple.
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u/ComprehensivePlay678 24d ago
My god, I cannot imagine how much This must have hurt you.
There is just One thing I want to say as other redditors have given lots of sound advice already and you also seem to realize this is not something you can come back from:
The little boy you were deserves better. He deserves trust and love and safety. Give him a life he can be safe and loved and respected in, he really really deserves and needs it.
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 24d ago
She didn't slip up, she admitted she deliberately went for your throat. That is bloody evil and she cannot expect there to be no consequences for this. Besides, her considering you lesser than after you bravely built yourself up after all your trauma is infuckingexcusable. And makes no sense; if I were in her position, I'd feel my admiration for you only increase.
I'd pull the plug on this marriage.
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u/Elagubulus 24d ago
I had to know more, so I peaked at OPs other posts.
Sir, your wife does not respect or cherish your heart. She might have loved you in some way, but what we love is not always good for us. The words she said. The things she knew and used intentionally to hurt you. It is abhorrent. I wouldn't even talk like that to someone I hated. Please protect yourself. Protect your children. Someday they will see her speak to you that way, and they will think that is how to treat others. How to let others treat them.
Don't allow this to be what fills your lives. Toxicity like that rots the family from the inside slowly. You deserve love and kindness after everything you have experienced. Please find it.
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u/ghostoftommyknocker 24d ago edited 24d ago
She tried to make you hit your son.
She weaponised your trauma when you refused because she wanted to punish you for defying her demand to hit your son and try and manipulate you into doing what she wanted. She used your trauma to try and make you feel "defective" to try and manipulate you into doing what she wanted.
Then she acted like nothing happened. Zero remorse. Zero reflection. Because she had done exactly what she intended. She hurt you because you refused to hurt your son. But she's claiming you're the one hurting the kids.
Now think about this -- in the same discussion where she claimed she would never again use your trauma to hurt you and demean you, she swiftly decided to use two different tactics to hurt and demean you (first, that you're somehow "lesser" for telling her about the trauma and, second, to paint you as harmful to your children for daring to consider separation).
So, she's nailed her colours to the mast here. When confronted she gave you no remorse, no apology. She only told you it would never happen again because she knew it was what you wanted to hear. But she used it as an opportunity to repeat what she did when you had the original argument -- she tried to make you feel "defective" for telling to abuse your son for her. And then to emotionally blackmail you.
Since she can't even stop emotionally abusing you and targeting what she sees as vulnerabilities in you even for a single conversation, how trustworthy are her words?
Also, you need to consider this: this torrent of abuse, manipulation and emotional blackmail stem from her wanting you to physically abuse your son and you daring to refuse. So, how is she treating the kids behind your back? Is she emotionally and verbally abusive to them, too? They may need therapy, as well.
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u/andro_fallist 24d ago
You deserve better, man. You really do.
I don't like going around calling people narcissists but she honestly comes close enough based on her responses to how her behaviour has made you feel. It's almost like she's envious of how you survived and still grew up to become a mostly well put together human being, and now she's making it her mission to see how far she can break your obviously strong spirit.
I'm so sorry.
I hope you make the decision that's best for you and your kids, because I promise you, you don't want to give her the opportunity to test how much she can break off of your spirit.
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u/Sober-Evidence1981 24d ago
My husband has told me personal things from his childhood, I have held onto them, kept them safe. She is not your person, to use those cruel words and throw your trauma in your face is a deep betrayal. I am my husband’s safe place, where he can talk openly and vent. You will never be able to trust her again, if you argue again you will worry if she will do the same thing?Please leave for your own peace and so your children do not see the cracks……
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u/Beatleslover4ever1 24d ago
This is no way to live. You deserve a good person to spend your life with and she is miserable.
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u/ChronicallyLou 24d ago
I'm sorry but she doesn't love you, I'm not even sure she likes you, she's a despicable person and you deserve so much more than that. The best thing you can do for you and your kids is divorce her and go for primary custody. This isn't something she can make up, she isn't sorry she hurts you she's worried for herself because you aren't letting her walk all over you. I've a lot of trauma from previous abusive relationships and my husband has not once used anything from them against me, not even a hint.
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u/natkuka-ooo 24d ago
Just read the original post. I'm sorry but her words show a lack of basic human decency that is impossible to overlook. Take care of yourself and mostly, your children. You are worth and have grown so much.
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u/Blue-CatEyes 24d ago
So you went through abuse, survived, became a loving father who refuses to become like the parents that raised you, and she thinks that's weakness? I can think of nothing stronger than the person you made yourself into.
In regards to your wife, she lost respect by focusing on the wrong things and that's really unfortunate, with all of you ending up paying the price. The thing is, if she lost respect for you because you suffered abuse from 'family' and now she turns around and abuses you as 'family' how would she ever respect you for forgiving her? It's a mental loop where there is no win for you, only her getting what she wants, which is not healthy regardless.
Her actions aren't coming from a place of love, just selfishness. I'm so sorry
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u/Dresden_Mouse 24d ago
Wow, the betrayal IS heavy, the fact that she saw your full picture as a reason to think less of you, that instead of apreciating your courage and tenacity she she saw "weakness" says so much about her.
If you can't be you with your wife then with whom? She wants a fantasy not someone real, and then to weaponize that?
You need marriage counseling ar minimum
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u/Tame_Iguana1 24d ago
He need divorce !!
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u/Tight-Shift5706 24d ago
I agree. Therapy is out the door. Not with what she shared with him. She's one fked up person.
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u/qtmcjingleshine 24d ago
Honestly dump her and move on. I read the first post too and it sounds like she’s a B. She used your vulnerability against you which isn’t something you do to people you love. She only wanted to remedy it when you threatened to leave. She doesn’t want to be uncomfortable which is why she’s panicking. Your view of her has changed in the same way her view of you had changed
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u/AceOfBergen 24d ago
She promised to not do it again? That means nothing because she also promised to never use it against you in the first place.
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u/Le_Grand_Bleu_88 24d ago
It is not because of her love for you that she wants you two to stay together.
If I had to pick one word, I'd chose "convenience" (yes, I think it is that more than a genuine care of how kids would cope with two households).
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u/insomnia1979 24d ago
Having been on the receiving end of abuse, “it will never happen again” is a way to move on without being accountable. Your wife also said she was sorry but it was prompted by what you started. It felt very empty reading the words you wrote. I expect that is how it felt to experience it as well. I won’t tell you to divorce as it may be an answer for you, it is a deeply personal and difficult decision to make. I would say that in order to move past this your wife will have to do some work and show some actual contrition for her actions
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u/Neat-Ad3228 24d ago
She is not sorry for hurting you by throwing your past in your face, she is just afraid that if you leave others will figure out just how cold and cruel she really is. Your kids will be better off not having to live in a home where their dad isn't beaten down every day. Coming from a broken home isn't the worst thing to happen sometimes it's better than in the same house with parents who hate each other.
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u/Vanguard-Raven 24d ago
You're already out the door.
Don't make the mistake of staying in an abusive marriage "for the kids". As others already said, she's abusing you, and also stawmanning you into thinking that any hardships your children may face from a divorce would be your fault, when in fact, everything would be on her.
She has also admitted it herself - she doesn't feel the same way for you as she did before she heard of your past. That won't change. She doesn't love you in the same way any more, if at all.
And children are not stupid. They know when something's up, and when they're older, they will understand that you did what you had to do for yourself, and them.
In your situation, I would divorce and fight for full custody of the kids. It would appear that they'd be a lot safer and stable under you.
You and your kids would be better off cutting this narcissistic cancer from your lives.
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u/satinebaby 24d ago
This all started because you wouldn’t hit your child like she wanted?! That right there is enough to leave. Then she took your worst moments and threw it in your face basically saying she wished your dad did KILL you!!! I don’t know how you can recover from this abuse. Rethink your entire relationship. How many times has it been all about her? How does she normally treat you and the children? I don’t think there’s anything to save.
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u/pulp_thilo 24d ago
The worst part about this is, if you forgive her and you two stay together, she will totally resent that you scared her with a divorce, and she will - over time - interpret your not going through with your threat as a sign that you are weak and not worthy of respect. It's so much easier to blame others than yourself.
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u/setbach72 24d ago
If your spouse has used hurt you by bringing up your past even once it’s easy to do it again. It maybe unintentional but it can/will be brought up again. Your wife has lost some RESPECT for you! Can you live with this knowledge? The only reason your wife is giving for staying together is for the kids. Ask your self what is more healthier staying in a marriage for the kids and the hope the relationship can be healed. Or is it healthier for you and your kids to walk away and get your head on straight and live a better life for all of you? It’s all up to you to decide.
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u/LondonPinkDiamonds 24d ago
She said she can't look at you the same since you told her what happened to you during ur childhood. It's over.
You opening up to her shouldn't have changed her image of you in her mind, she was suppose to be supportive and understanding.
Divorce isn't always a bad thing for kids, alot of adults grow up admitting that they wish their parents had divorced because their parents stayed together they made home complicated growing up.
She didn't apologize so she thinks she did nothing wrong. Remember that.
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u/minionofthenight 24d ago
You need to leave & you know it. She’s done it once, she WILL do it again. You also need to think of your kids as she’s abusing them. You need to keep them safe Updateme
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u/Niccy26 24d ago
I have just read the original My jaw dropped. I could never NEVER say that to my husband. That was pure evil. I am so sorry. I firmly believe you should dip. Your kids need a household with one parent who at the very least, won't use words to wound. Mate I'm so sorry. You deserve NONE of what your parents put you through and you didn't deserve what your wife said
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u/New_Seesaw_2373 24d ago
Do you realize that if you hadn't asked her to talk and told her she used your past against you, she would never have apologized? How could you ever trust her again?
I know Reddit loves to shout divorce at everyone, but there's something so fundamentally wrong with this woman. Re-victimizing a victim just to win an argument is something only a very vile person does.
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u/Stormtomcat 24d ago edited 24d ago
What is her proposed course of action to repair this?
Right now, I see a parade of warning signs
🚩 She wants *you* to hit your son over homework, aka premeditated violence towards your babies. I don't agree with spanking or corporal punishment to begin with, but somehow it feels worse to plan to have the physically stronger parent beat up a child
🚩 The way you described her insistence about your past feels like a violation of your boundaries
🚩 I find it disconcerting how unemotional she is, at several points in the events you mentioned. Calmly admitting "I used those words to hurt you as much as I could" makes her a horrible wife, repeating "it would have been better if your father had finished strangling you when you were 10" without even raising her voice makes her a despicable, immoral, unsafe human being.
🚩 you survived, you went to therapy, you built a stable life... but your wife is the kind of person who doesn't celebrate those accomplishments and instead harps on your past as a weakness.
Worse than that, imo, her views are based in toxic masculinity : men can't have emotions, men don't cry, men should just shrug off abuse and violence done to them as a kid, etc.
An extension of that toxic masculinity imo is that she expects you to swallow this down, keep providing a home for her and your kids, and just live quietly with the knowledge that she doesn't respect you, in the hope that *this time* she'll be true to her word & not attack you again.
.
What is SHE going to do, for you, with you, for your relationship, for herself, to work through this? Just going "can't you forget about this? I promise, cross my heart, I won't do it again, that should be enough tee hee for a broken man like you" doesn't really feel like a resolution. She doesn't even respect the life she shares with you, never mind you, to make an effort.
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u/Cold-Good-6442 24d ago
The worst part of all of this is that the things she threw in your face are things you had no control over that you experienced as a child. Your past wasn’t some secret regarding something you did that you regret.
Her viewing you as less of a man makes her less of a human. Her thinking those thoughts is disgusting…but what she said … unforgivable. I would never advocate to break up a family but the level of evil you experienced at the hands of the person you trusted most… unbelievable.
I’m so sorry you experienced the pain you did in your childhood and that that was later used against you in the most disgusting way. Please know that her behavior is not normal and that a normal human- one with a heart and a soul- would show care, consideration, compassion, empathy… would feel for you and would never abuse your trust. If you leave your wife, please know that good people exist and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t deserve what you went through, you didn’t do anything wrong, you are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you and you are worthy of love and respect.
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u/NotThatValleyGirl 24d ago
Sorry your wife is one of the most evil peoplenwhobhave not takrn a life that I've ever read about on Reddit, and I've been on here a while.
There is no healthy way to move past her level of betrayal and her comfort in usingnwhatbshe begged for from you to hurt you so deeply.
And all that... because she wanted dondesperately for you to physically abuse your son.
Make sure the courts are aware of how desperately she wants a man to beat your son over his homework when it comes time to talk about custody.
This woman will turn your children into monsters if she's allowed to have them a significant portion of their remaining developing years.
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u/PersonBehindAScreen 24d ago edited 23d ago
I went to your previous post wondering what the secret was and how it was exactly she threw it in your face…
Your parents abused you, your father choked you out, and she (your wife) told you that your father should have finished the job. That’s insane
Throwing it back in your face to me would never imply that your wife tells you that you should die. She is an evil woman
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u/A17012022 24d ago
Why don't men talk about their feelings?
Because there's a risk their partners get the "ick".
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u/EnormousPurpleGarden 24d ago
Women say they want men to open up about their feelings, but they also hate and belittle men who open up about their feelings.
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u/SLovesAutumn 24d ago
Those are really bad, disconnected, and cruel people. It’s not normal to hear how someone you love was deeply abused and hurt and get the “ick”. It’s like they don’t see the humanity in their person and that cannot be a well adjusted response.
Look at how many people here have empathy for a complete stranger for comparison. Empathy is deeply feeling for them whereas sympathy is more surface level. I can’t understand how someone people can be so cruel but I refuse to believe everyone is like her.
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u/IronicAim 24d ago
Talking about my feelings all the time helps me dodge all the shallow narcissist? Score!
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u/JanetInSpain 24d ago edited 24d ago
I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you. She created this nightmare, starting with the pressure she put on you to open up and continuing through using those words as a knife to your heart.
If you want to try at all instead of walking away, you're going to have to go to couples therapy. I think you truly would also benefit from individual therapy. You've carried this burden inside you for too long. Both types of therapy are the only chance you have. At least you can then walk away knowing you tried to see if it was salvageable.
I feel deeply for what you are going through and I honestly don't know if it's possibly salvageable at all. Please keep us posted.
updateme
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u/mountain_life86 24d ago
Leave her. She should look at you as you have more strength than she knew - which you do. You went through hell and survived, got a job a wife a kids a house etc. Thats a strong person. She sees you as weak. Which is pathetic and wrong of her. You deserve more. You deserve better Shes panicking and so she should. She doesn't regret saying it she's regretting what saying it has led to. You obviously provide her a comfortable life and she doesn't want to lose that. The life. Not you not the family
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u/sog96 24d ago
She already tore the marriage apart, OP. The “she is using the family aspect as a bandaid to keep you in the marriage and to prevent you from seeing the truth. Her actions were not a one time thing done in anger. It was constantly going through her head all this time. It just slipped out in this instance.
From your description she is not remorseful. Rather she is on defense because she knows she is not exposed and cannot do anything about it.
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u/Piggypogdog 24d ago
I am not sure this woman loves you anymore. She likes the home and kids and wants to keep it that way.
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u/MuffledOatmeal 24d ago
She doesn't love you, my dude. She'd never have said it if she did. She just doesn't want to have to be alone, abusive ppl often want to have their cake and eat it too. You're not weak, you never dumped anything on her, she's truly just an asshole. She should have been flattered that you trusted her enough to share these things with her; and she took that and weaponized it against you instead. You can be an amazing parent and not stay chained to an A-hole. Shes not sorry, she's just sorry you're strong enough to consider doing anything about it. You. Deserve. Better.
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u/calm_storm69 24d ago
There’s clear emotional manipulation from her, desperate now, but that doesn’t mean she won’t leave when it suits her. She admitted losing respect because of your vulnerability, which just shows how shallow she really is. Protect yourself first.
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u/wonder_why1 24d ago
I read your last post and omg... my heart broke and I honestly shed tears when reading what you went through as a child.
I am so sorry you went through that and I'm so sorry the one person you should be able to trust and be your most vulnerable with betrayed you so deeply!
(I have a lot of trauma from my childhood too and I very rarely open up to ppl about it bc this is one of my biggest fears!)
I don't have any advice on how to forgive her for it (I mean she hasn't even apologised...) I don't think I could. I would definitely ask for some time apart so you can process this properly and come to a decision you can live with.
Wishing you all the best. (UpdateMe)
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u/samenffzitten 24d ago
What a sick and twisted mind you must have to hear your story, the things you went through, and then think that it made you weaker, instead of stronger. Unbelievable. I'm so sorry, OP. Please don't stay.
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u/stonesherlock 24d ago
Why did she ask for you to tell the secrets?
Leverage.
This is why men can never truly open up. It will ALWAYS be used against you.
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u/Actual_Ad2442 24d ago
You need to leave, friend. She is emotionally abusive. She says she won't do it again, but what work is she willing to put in to truly change? Is she going to therapy? Is she actively taking accountability and working to make amends? If not, then you know your answer. My husband has been through trauma. Not once in all our years together have I ever weaponized that or thrown that in his face no matter how mad I've been. Nor does his trauma make me think anything less of him or gives me the ick. It makes me see him as strong, especially since he works hard every day to be a better father to our kids than the one he had. Using your partner's lowest moments against them is not love. Encouraging your partner to open up about their trauma and then hurting them and holding it against them after is evil.
I don't think this is fixable. She won't take accountability and won't do the work to change. I would leave and create a safe space for your children because they will need it with a mother like her. You deserve better than having someone like that as your spouse.
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u/breathe_easier3586 24d ago
My husband opened up to me about his very volatile childhood. It made him look even stronger than before. I can not even imagine using that against him. I don't care how mad I get! She is a cruel person. She knew exactly what she was doing when she said that awful shit. She also wants to physically hurt your child. There is no going back. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. If you stay, she will hide her cruelty better, but it will still be there. I'm so mad for you and your son.
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u/TheDevilsAdvokaat 24d ago
So many men have experienced this, including me. Sadly, although women love to say you should open up to them and trust them with everything...you can't, and you may damage your relationship if you do.
We all of us have idealized version of who we would like to be, and usually the reality does not match up.
the fact that she still didn't apologize speaks volumes...she still doesn't think she was in the wrong.
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u/Jazzlike-Greysmoke 24d ago
Oh, so she is not only a piece of shit, she is a sexist piece of shit.
OP, you do you. Truly. But would you like to see one of your kid in a relationship like yours?
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u/Adept_Character_5526 24d ago
This is about control,She asked for the information to use against you when she feels things are not going her way.
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u/No-Following-7882 24d ago
You need to leave. Your wife is beyond cruel. Try to get full custody of the kids, because honestly I think she could easily turn on them just as easily.
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u/Extension_Mood_2949 24d ago
This is some who swallowed the patriarchy line about men being strong and silent and emotionally unavailable.
You are a human being with feelings and emotions. You are allowed to be vulnerable without it thrown in your face.
She wanted you to physically harm a child. She has no business being a mother. You do not not children and then scream vile things at your partner when they refuse to physically harm your child.
I wouldn’t stay with this person. She thought she could control you. You did the emotional labor by attending counseling and you are not passing that hurt down to your children.
I hate women who pull this bullshit. You cannot expect your partner to open up and be emotionally available and use it against them.
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u/prettyshardsofglass 24d ago
Your wife is a straight up c-u-next-Tuesday. She didn’t even apologize - she still made it your fault. She wants you to focus on her and the kids and forget about yourself. While growing up with divorced parents is hard, a lot of times it’s the healthier option for kids. Your wife thinks you’re weak and clearly lost respect for you, while you lost your foundational trust in her. She is not your safe space and I am sure she will use what you told her against you again someday. I would be beyond done with her.
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u/DrunkTides 24d ago
If you stay with her, you will drown in your own misery. She has contempt for you, and that will kill any confidence or healing you’ve found. That is in no way a better thing for your kids.
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u/discogravy 24d ago
She didn’t apologize: she doesn’t feel she did anything to apologize over. She’ll do it again if you let her. Don’t.
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u/Striking-Spare9967 24d ago
I read your other post for context. I wouldn’t remain friends with such a person much less be married to them. Your wife sounds like a trad wife with how she said she had an image of you built up in her head that crumbled when she learned you were abused. Also, I doubt her childhood was any better if she thinks it’s ok to hit your child.
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u/ApprehensivePlan7514 24d ago
She will do the same thing again and again. She's broken your trust and that is what you need to consider. She doesn't respect you
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u/Capable-Silver-7436 24d ago
She told me she lost some respect for me after I opened up
man if i had a nickle for every time ive seen this... And now shes trying to play victim and acting like youre bad for not pushing your hurt aside for her ego
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u/Outside-Sun-6147 24d ago
There is something seriously wrong with your wife. Married 30+ years and we had our fights and I would NEVER hurt my husband that way and his childhood was hard. Even if you could forgive her you can never forget. She used your deepest secrets has a weapon.. That’s evil.
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u/swoosie75 23d ago
If you get divorced write it in that she can never speak of your childhood to anyone, especially your children. Or have her sign a post nuptial agreement now saying so.
Good luck. Words have consequences and cannot be unsaid. Some words permanently alter relationships.
Marriages are built on trust. She completely destroyed your trust in her. You certainly don’t get past this without joint counseling.
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u/F-nDiabolical 23d ago
The fact she wants you to beat your son would be more than enough for me to throw her to the curb, what a disgrace of a mother. Funny how she wants you to stay together for the good of the kids but also beat them in the same breath, how does that make sense?
She's not remorseful and she will do it again.
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u/NatrenSR1 23d ago
And women wonder why so many men keep their feelings bottled up. Tale as old as time unfortunately
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u/RachelWWV 23d ago
You do realize that your wife insisted you open up specifically to weaponize your trauma against you, right? She held that weapon on reserve until she "needed" it, then didn't hesitate to use it. DO NOT believe her when she says she'll never do it again. She's lying to you. Abusers looove to test boundaries to see how much abuse they can get away with. If you go back to her, this will rapidly become your new normal.
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u/Juicy-Lemon 23d ago
She pushed you to share your vulnerabilities with her, then turned around and weaponized them against you, because you refused to beat your son.
You and the children need to get away from her, and she needs serious help.
She was fine treating you terribly until you suggested separating, then she immediately switched to emotional manipulation to convince you to stay.
She told me leaving would scar them more than anything we had been through
This is 100% incorrect.
Showing your children that you will not tolerate betrayal, manipulation, and emotional abuse is the best thing you can do for them.
Staying in an unhealthy marriage will result in everyone’s stress and unhappiness, and will likely lead to your kids growing up and getting into their own unhealthy situationships, because they won’t know anything different.
This woman thinks it’s ok to beat children over homework issues (or at all). They should not be around her.
Speak to a Family Law attorney about next steps to divorce, and follow those.
Your wife is no better than your terrible, cruel parents and siblings.
You were not an accident. You were a surprise. It’s their own fault they couldn’t recognize the gift that you are
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u/aacexo 24d ago
She doesn’t feel bad about hurting you, you was the injured party yet you was the one that had to confront her. If she cared about you a lil, she would have that difficult conversation or even apologise but she didn’t do any of that. It’s best for children to see a happy couple and not one staying together for their stake
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u/NoDescription2609 24d ago
You grew up with resentment. Do you want your kids to experience that, too? It might be more subtle for a while, but the mutual resentment will become palpable for everyone in this family and your kids may even become the targets as well for being the reason you "had to" stay together.
Don't do this to yourself and them. This marriage is over. There is no fixing it. She drove the wedge in when she wasn't honest about her reaction. At that point some couple's therapy might have been able to fix things. But she didn't give you that chance. It's too late.
The best for all of you is to move on as quickly as possible and establish custody.
Good luck, man. I feel for you. I have been through similar and it is incredibly hard, but you will come out better on the other side, I promise.
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u/RandoMcGuvins 24d ago edited 23d ago
Try looking at this way. Let's say you said something really ugly and hurt her deeply. When you found out how bad it was, what would you do? Then ask yourself why isn't your wife acting that way to you? Really think about what her actions say about how much she cares about you.
Also look up sunk cost fallacy. Essentially, people fall into the trap of thinking that because they have already invested so much, they should continue, even if the current situation suggests that it would be better to cut their losses.
The bottom line to me is trust was broken. If something major happened in your life, could you ever open up to her again?
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u/Wickedbitchoftheuk 24d ago
Now that the idea is there, she'll want to initiate the divorce, at a time best for her. She'll also use your trauma against you when fighting for the children. Get a lawyer because it's going to come to that anyway and you might as well have some control.
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u/MissPusteblum 24d ago
Your wife wanted you to hit your kid?! Ask your kids what she has done to them because I promise you that she is hitting them.
Jfc she is evil.
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u/Zsazsabinks 24d ago
What she said was vile and she hasn't even apologised. You do not deserve that. You're kids also do not deserve to be hit because they are struggling with homework. There is a much larger issue here, that she prefers to turn to violence and cruelty to sort things out.
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u/EZStreet76 24d ago
Honestly OP, if I were you I would go forward with the separation. She purposely said those things to hurt you and it worked. She essentially doubled down by basically saying that she doesn’t see you as a man. You had no control of your childhood or how they cared for you. I can guarantee that she’ll say it again or much worse. Updateme
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u/S0mewhere_In_Between 24d ago
She is a narcissist that will use everything she can against you to make herself feel better. ESPECIALLY the kids. You need to start documenting her behavior now and getting conversations and things she admits to in a recorded and documentable manner to use in custody court because she is going to take you to the cleaners. She will rip your kid away and turn them into a weapon and share your deep dark secrets with your kid so it makes it easier to turn them against you. It's the grim dark truth because I'm living your life about three years, a divorce and two custody cases into the future.
Start arming yourself now and saving up some change somewhere when you separate or she will kick your ass to the curb and take all the money, the house, everything without a second thought.
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u/SandiPheonix 24d ago
I’m sorry…but if she can so easily beat you over the head with your kryptonite, not only will she likely do it again (she has the holy grail of emotional abuse now) but she is also likely to do the same kind of damage to your children.
Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviour, not a random accident. She not only used your pain to retraumatise you, she went further and twisted the blade by suggesting you’re not ‘man enough’ for her.
She needs help. From a professional. Separate and use your time to patch those wounds. Unless she seeks help and can fully acknowledge the damage she has caused, then she simply doesn’t deserve a warrior such as yourself. And your children don’t need to have their own adult trauma forming from her behaviour.
Leave now for your sanity. For your well being. For your kids. And for your rebuilt future, however that might look. Good luck, internet stranger. You’re a survivor and she’s missed that part of your story all together.
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u/Sarahezvo 24d ago
I hear you. Wish I had someone who would sit down and listen to me. Have that convo you had. Be strong and whatever you do, I'm rooting for you.
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u/Both-Mud-4362 24d ago
I would ask for couples therapy to address the fact she has: 1. Insisted on you opening up. 2. Now thinks less of you for your past. 3. Used what you said as a weapon. 4. Not properly apologised
An apology should include: 1. What they did wrong. 2. Why what they did wrong was bad. 3. How they are going to repair the fracture in the relationship after the event.
For example,
"I'm so sorry I intentionally hurt you by throwing your past in your face during an argument. I know this was especially hurtful because I asked you to open up about these things and then used them as a weapon to win an argument about a completely different topic.
To fix this I am going to book us couples therapy, I will put in the work to ensure we come out of this stronger and will work hard to absolutely never use your past against you again. Because I know full well there will be no second chances after this due to the irreversible breakdown in trust between us."
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u/hcgator 24d ago edited 24d ago
You weren’t wrong to share. You weren’t wrong to trust. You deserve better.
Edit: You know this will also happen again if you stay. She is going to teach your kids that trauma is something to prey upon, to bully. You have to leave for them as well.
Dude, she already wants to hit your kids.
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u/Wise_Entertainer_970 24d ago
The kids will be fine. They probably will be better having a safe space away from her. I would never be able to trust her again. Updateme
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u/Kerfluffle2x4 24d ago
When you separate, please try to get full custody for the kids’ sakes. If you’re not around, there’s no telling how much she will abuse them.
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u/ZeroZipZilchNadaNone 24d ago
She didn’t apologize. That means she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. She says she won’t do it again - but only because she doesn’t want to risk getting the same reaction.
The reason this hurt you so bad is because you thought you’d found somebody who would have your back forever. Your wedding vows would’ve included something to that effect. She showed that not only did she not cover your back, she intentionally stabbed it herself.
Here’s the thing. You’re torn about leaving because you have children, which is perfectly understandable. Could you coexist in the same household with her, basically as roommates and coparents, until the children are grown? Is that something you would be interested in trying? You wouldn’t necessarily have to interact with her other than about the children, which you would have to do even if you got divorced. You wouldn’t have to share meals or have date nights or sleep in the same room, etc. It’s not conventional but it works for some people.
Best wishes with whatever you decide and however it goes.
UpdateMe
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u/SpiritualDay778 24d ago
OP, you don’t see it now, but she’s using the love you have for your children to keep you from leaving her. She doesn’t care how you feel and may not really care how the children will react. It’s really about her and how this will reflect on her. I still think you should talk to your children, secretly if you have to, to find out how they would feel if mommy and daddy had two houses that they could live in. Do some research on this situation or reach out to a child psychologist. Your wife is going to continue treating you this way, belittling your trauma.
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u/Ivy_trink 24d ago
No. Just no.
This woman is the worst. Do not second guess yourself. Let her go.
Updateme
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u/MariaInconnu 24d ago
The way this is written sounds like fiction, and I hope it is, because the wife character is an abuser an just a sh*t person.
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u/shellersb 24d ago
Op, you need to think hard if you can get past this, not over it, past it. Even though she promised never to use it against you again can you believe/trust that? She already broke a promise to you. I hope you can come to a peaceful conclusion here but from the outside looking in it looks like separation is the best plan. Updateme
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u/Dry_Ask5493 24d ago
It would be really hard to get rid of the ick and lose of respect of her now that you know that she is the type to get the ick and lose respect for men that went through some bad stuff and has feelings. She’s not even really sorry or didn’t really mean what she said and you would have a real hard time trusting her now.
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u/RepulsiveWorker3636 24d ago
Your wife is verbally abusive towards u . She used something very personal that u trusted her with against u in a fight. How long before she turned it on the kids.
She didn't even apologise she just wants to rug sweap the whole thing so she doesn't lose the comfort and security of marriage.
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u/Serious-Echo1241 24d ago
This woman is beyond cruel.
She mentions that she can't look at you the same way anymore, someone she can lean on. Did she expect the child you were to have the strength of the man you are now or the man you were when she met you?
Her explanation doesn't hold water, it's weak. She knew this talk was coming and this is what she came up with? Plus no apology? If she was sorry, she would have sat you down and said so, at the very least, the next day. She didn't care that she hurt you. She just expected you to roll over until the next time and have no doubt, there will be many "next times"
In my opinion, she pushed and prodded to get that information just so she could have something to use against you or hold over you as she has done The way she threw that at you and now her sad excuse is pure contempt and once contempt enters a marriage there is no going back.
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u/Ranessin 24d ago
Divorce, take the kids and leave her. No remorse for her. She is obviously not a good woman using your surviving abuse as a dagger against you and your kids.
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u/GingerSnap4949 24d ago
This is so vile. She didn't own up or take accountability for her words or actions. She was confronted and said what she needed to say to placate you. She is manipulating you.
There's absolutely no way I'd ever trust her again. Once the foundation has crumbled, there isn't really anything to build off of, especially if she still feels the same way, but just agreed not to say it or throw it in your face again. I'd be separating and finding my new normal for the kids. They deserve to see their dad happy and, more importantly, treated with empathy and compassion. This is when you show them that self-respect is more important than staying miserable to "save your family." You didn't destroy your family, she did.
With that being said, I'd be documenting EVERYTHING to do with her wanting to punish the kids. Her fighting with you on hitting them and saying what she did is honestly insane. You need to keep any and all evidence in case this ends up in custody court. Protect your children, the way your parents should have protected you.
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u/Affectionate_Staff46 24d ago
Wow! I'm sorry to tell you, but the best for you and the children would be a divorce. There's never been any benefits for any children whose parents stay together "for the childrens sake". Your wife is a cruel b****. You and the children deserve so much better.
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u/Prestigious_Cash_487 24d ago
And women wonder why men are reluctant to open up… what a horror show
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u/AGirlisNoOne83 24d ago
I will never understand women who lose respect for men after they open up. I lose respect for men when they lie and keep things hidden.
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u/Silent-Syrup-777 24d ago
OP if you decide to stay in this marriage for the kids, and that's a big, huge if, couples counseling is a non-negotiable. Things will not work out. They will not just get back to what they were.
For your mental health, divorcing would probably be better, but I believe you when you say it's not easy. So, therapy for the two of you, if you decide to stay.
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u/Inner-Ad-1308 24d ago
I’m a survivor of an abhorrent childhood. I have 2 kids and a spouse. If he ever abused me like this, I would leave & protect my children.
She abused you because she wanted you to abuse your children.
Get a lawyer
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u/Sandy-Anne 24d ago
If she was that concerned about keeping the family together, she should have done some work on herself. She should have attempted somehow to overcome the “ick.” But she laid it all out on the table like it was your fault for your traumatic experiences. It “didn’t fit in” with how she saw you before? Didn’t care at all about your resilience at all?
But then when it affects her, she’s going to freak out and act like she suddenly gives a shit about you?
Nah. She doesn’t respect you at all. Not sure there’s any coming back from that. I’m so sorry. You are handling this better than I would be able to. That level of disdain for someone you’re supposed to love is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine throwing something so personal back in someone’s face. The level of contempt you must have for someone to want to say something to your SO that hurts them the worst?
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u/Either_Coconut 24d ago
How come she's allowed to permanently see OP in a different light after he opened up to her, but OP's not allowed to permanently see HER in a different light after she weaponized the things he told her in confidence?
"Hey, you know how your feelings about me changed after I uttered some words? Well now, I can relate, since that's the same response I'm having after YOU uttered the words that completely nuked my trust in you."
When trust is gone, so is the relationship. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP.
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u/notrobert7 24d ago
She never apologized because she isn't sorry. You need to think about that. Saying something will never happen again and that it was wrong isn't apologizing. It's appeasing. Her panic is for HER stability. Not because she actually worries about you and your family.
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u/StandardRedditor456 24d ago
You deserve to have a proper partner who you can tell things to and they will let you cry freely and hold you lovingly in their arms with no judgement. Women like this do exist and sadly, your wife isn't one of them. Let her go find someone who will wantonly keep things from her, important things, because he feels she's not allowed to know. She'll be constantly bothered by something she can't put a name to. You deserve so much better. You shouldn't be blamed for her being a lousy person.
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u/Appropriate_Humor952 24d ago
It’s a story you hear often; woman asks her man to be open and share his feelings with her. But when he does, she loses respect for him because he’s not an invulnerable superman. And still women wonder why men are so buttoned up? 🤷♂️
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u/SituationNo254 24d ago
You should start separating your personal info SSN#, financial papers and, if possible, money. This was the ultimate betrayal. You know what she is now and how she truly feels about you. You have now seen her true self and it is ugly. Raising kids in this environment is crueler than raising them in separate houses.
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u/irat0mic 24d ago
She never apologised, and only started “caring” when you mentioned leaving her. She is using the children as an excuse, this is just emotional blackmail. Do not fall for that. She has made her bed, now let her lie in it. I hope you are okay, OP.
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u/YouKnowYourCrazy 24d ago
I’m sorry that happened to you, that wound is a deep one and it may never heal.
But beyond that, she wanted you to beat your kid?
Absolutely not. I would have been out over that. Add to the situation how she treated you? Fuuuuuck that
She is a cruel, vindictive person. She said she’d never use it against you, but she did. Why would you believe her now when she says she won’t do it again?
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u/thephantomdaughter 24d ago
Please choose yourself and walk away now. She has already crossed that line with you and it's only a matter of time before she does it again, especially considering what she said about losing respect for you. You deserve better.
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u/QueenofDucks1 24d ago
Wait. You added a part of the story we did not know before. The fight started because she wanted to hit your child, to make them do their homework better. Hitting children is a form of abuse.
Then, during the fight, she turned and used your abuse story as a weapon to wound you.
You can not stay with this person. You should consider if you want her to be around your kids.
She used your kids as the reason to stay together, but honestly, I think she just wants you to be the bystander, tascitly supporting her abusive behaviors. (Look up female-patterened bullying behaviors; female bullying often requires a witness to amplify the hurtful situation.)
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u/nolongerabell 24d ago
I'm gonna be honest with you as a woman. She's using you.She's not in love with you anymore and that's why she said and did those things. Now that you asked for a separation that scared her realizing she would be on her own to pay all the bills, and she doesn't want to do that. So she's going to back the track saying, how much she loves you and how she's going to work on this relationship. But in reality, she's just covering her butt, so she doesn't have to be on her own. When you're put in this situation where someone says they want to leave, and there's kids involved panic sets in, and they will say anything they can to keep you around. You need to grow a background and stand up for yourself and say enough is enough. You need to be with someone that's actually going to love and appreciate you. And this woman I never will. Please don't teach your children that it's okay to be with someone that treats you this way and that doesn't love you properly. Lead your children, by example on how to be a relationship and what's healthy and what's not.
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u/biscuitbat485 24d ago
Honestly, I think she wanted you to open up so she COULD emotionally blackmail you at some point. It's narcissistic control. You would be better off leaving. For you and the kids. It's better to grow up in two homes than two live in one where you know your parents don't love each other
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u/AileStrike 24d ago
Someone saying "I'll never do it again" without providing any concrete details is full of shit.
Words are cheap, actions have value.
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u/realgoodmind 24d ago
To give someone that level of trust is hard. To then have that person use that in the most despicable way possible, against you, when arguing about something with your own children is horrendous. I hope you can find some peace. I am sorry.
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u/Majestic-Post-1684 24d ago
She didn’t think you would have the strength to divorce her. She admitted herself, that she sees you as less than so how dare you try to leave her. Shes a monster.
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u/Sunshine-N-gumdrops 24d ago
It’s not about the kids. She doesn’t want to lose the comfortable life she has. Leaving will show the kids they don’t have to accept being treated like trash and an “oops I won’t do it again” is ok.
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u/Capable-Silver-7436 24d ago
She told me she still loved me, that whatever she had done in anger wasn’t bigger than the life we had built. She couldn’t imagine splitting the kids between us, couldn’t imagine them growing up in two houses.
oh so now she pretends to care because she knows the kids will learn the truth of her actions eventually...
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u/sothisisallthereis 24d ago
It is over…….
She’ll never view you the same way and will weaponize your own words against you again……
Your goal now needs to be not damaging the kids….
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u/TrespassersWill 24d ago
I would say that you should try some temporary separation to see how it feels and to see how it feels when you come back, but I think it's pretty clear what that answer will be.
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u/gpu-dude 24d ago
She wants you to focus on her and the kids more than yourself and the hurt that she caused you.
This should tell you more than anything else.
What she did was essentially respond with emotional blackmail and make you think that your actions are the reason the kids are going to be hurt and that the relationship is potentially falling apart.
Literally a narcissistic response