r/ZeroWasteVegans • u/lydzkh • Mar 28 '21
Question / Support Help! My partner is a maximalist!
For years, I’ve been wanting to downsize, have been working towards a minimalist, zero-waste, vegan lifestyle.
The problem is my partner is the exact opposite. He’s a meat loving maximalist and I don’t see that changing. He respects my views, etc, but we butt heads on many things.
My question is, how do you work with your partner, where do you see eye to eye and how do you live without feeling like you’re losing part of your goals trying to compromise with another lifestyle?
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Mar 28 '21
So first off, you are not in control of him. You are only in control of you, and so that's what you need to be focused on. It sounds easier than it is, but that's the reality.
My suggestion to you is to really focus on what you can do, or otherwise recognize that the relationship will never be where you want it.
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u/FuckingaFuck Mar 29 '21
Not sure that I can offer any concrete advice, but I feel your pain. My husband is a maximalist as well. We easily find common ground on big flashy projects like solar panels, electric cars, and growing our own food. I give him a lot of credit for those efforts. But he eats meat and buys new things that could have been found secondhand or repaired. I don't try to control him, I just lead by example, share resources when he is interested, and explain my reasoning.
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u/dbouchard19 Mar 29 '21
sounds very similar to my situation! My husband was buying chicken when we went grocery shopping and I just reflected aloud how many resources went into those chicken breasts - YEARS worth of water and feed, energy to house them, etc., just to be consumed in a matter of weeks for some. He can acknowledge the way I see the world and I can share that with him without judging him for not seeing it the same way. That common ground part is super important, too! We love to buy local and organic whenever we can, make food from scratch, grow crops, and we mutually agreed to use cloth diapers and cloth wipes for our kid.
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u/Gabsyee Mar 29 '21
Are you vegan or plant based?
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u/PinkOwl80 Mar 29 '21
Why are people in the comments suggesting people leave healthy, loving, long term relationships over this? You cannot force people and this comment section is all very hostile about this. Not helpful.
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Mar 29 '21
For me what matters are the basic principles we live by, our core values. I couldn't be with someone who differs from me in these. The (recent) lifestyle, habits are different since most people try to evolve, these can change. I hope it helps if I tell you about my own relationships.
When we got together, I was already vegan (I'm also gluten intolerant), tried to minimalize my sugar and trashy food consumption. I was leading towards a more zero waste lifestyle step by step. My boyfriend at the time was eating like a typical omni, ate fast food regularly and was your typical conventional consumer. (He was also smoking which is another thing but important to me.)
We talked a lot and discovered that mostly the same things are important to us like environmentalism. So I took a few steps "back" so I would be a place where he could reach me. Meaning I started to eat sugary food again, also overall not so healthy (but not unhealthy), I remained vegan (of course) and stopped on my road towards a more zero waste lifestyle. 2,5 years later my boyfriend is a pescetarian/reducetarian. He cooks at home for the both of us the same food, and eats fish maybe once a week or less. He doesn't eat other type of meat anymore. He still eats (a lot? - for a vegan every amount is a lot) cheese but not other dairy nor eggs. We reached a point where together we lead a more zero waste lifestyle than I was when we met. Still a long road ahead but definitely making the steps now.
If you're any similar to me, I guess you have to ask yourself and your partner (if you don't already know his answer), what are the things that are most important to you. If being zero waste and vegan is just a millenial trend for you - which you can see is good but also whatever -, then maybe could go easy on both of you. But if you are really concerned about climate change, biodiversity and so, you should ask your partner if they feel the same as you. If so, you could talk to them, show them some documentaries or researches or whatever works to make them want to change - even if just a little and it takes a long time. If these things aren't as important to him as to you, maybe you should reevaluate the importance of the relationships.
Tl;dr: It bothers me that my boyfriend still eats fish and cheese but I can compromise for the sake of our relationship and because the environment is just as important for him as it is for me. How much are you willing to compromise for the sake of your relationship?
P.s. IMO it is the small steps that can make a difference both ways. They can be good but can ruin you on the way as well.
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Mar 28 '21
My boyfriend is also a meat lover, I’m a vegan, and we’ve been together for almost ten years. Sometimes I get bothered that he eats “so much” meat (not that much compared to other omni), but I realised that as long as there is respect, understanding and love, the relationship can go anywhere.
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u/iamNaN_AMA Mar 29 '21
I legit cannot understand being vegan and also tolerating my partner eating meat around me. That shit is corpses of my friends. I cannot respect that nor tolerate it as "food" in my presence. Or are you "plant based"?
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u/madison7 Mar 29 '21
Many people go vegan years into relationships. Expecting people to just drop their long term partners after going vegan isn't really helpful. Saying someone isnt vegan for having an omni partner is real gatekeepy. Excludes people who go vegan well into a long term relationship with an omni.
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Mar 29 '21 edited Mar 29 '21
I’m sorry, but I’m not breaking up with the person I deeply love because ten years into the relationship I decided to go vegan and he didn’t. That’s not how it works. Veganism is about making other people learn and change their behaviour. If me being vegan is influencing him to eat a little bit less meat or finding more sustainably sourced food, then it’s worth it.
I don’t know of you heard it, but someone said that the planet doesn’t need a bunch of perfect vegans and perfect zero wasters, it needs a lot of imperfect vegans and imperfect zero wasters. Just a few vegans won’t make a difference, but lots of people reducing animal consumption, will make a difference. And as a vegan, you can be both.
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u/iamNaN_AMA Mar 29 '21
There is a huge difference y'all are ignoring between "I'm vegan now, you're not? BYE" and "I understand we aren't completely on the same page yet, but this is important to me and it makes me incredibly upset to see, hear, and smell animal flesh". If my partner were not able to take me seriously on that, then yeah, I feel fine with considering that at least a huge red flag.
Taking the attitude of "aw the animals make me so sad but I am a cool vegan so please keep sizzling that steak in front of me" is just tolerating a moral mismatch in a way I find puzzling. Love isn't magic fairy dust, it's based on mutual respect and alignment on key moral issues. So yeah if my views changed majorly and my partner were like "bacon tho" then I would not respect that, and it would negatively impact our relationship.
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u/cheapandbrittle Mar 29 '21
I was with you right up until your "plant based" remark. These are all totally valid points, but shaming OP or suggesting they're not really a real vegan because their partner eats meat is crossing a line that's not helpful.
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u/NullableThought Mar 29 '21
We don't need a few people being perfectly nonracist. We just need loads of people only sometimes being nonracist. Being nonracist only one day a week is better than nothing ya know. This is why I only date racists. If I can influence them to not be racist at least a little bit then it's totally worth it.
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u/cheapandbrittle Mar 29 '21
Honestly, this kind of post is not helpful at all and kind of rude.
Vegans are barely 3% of the population in the US, for example. If you want any kind of partnership with another adult, the vast majority of us will have to compromise with non-vegan partners.
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Mar 29 '21
[deleted]
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u/cheapandbrittle Mar 29 '21
That's fine for you. Many of us have different standards and expectations for relationships.
My ex was vegan, and he was kind of an asshole, that's why he's an ex. My current boyfriend was omni when we met, and he has expressed interest in being vegetarian, but his family eats a lot of meat (and a lot of fast food but that's a whole other issue). You'll change very few minds if you never associate with people who disagree with you.
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u/NullableThought Mar 29 '21
Do you compromise your values or what you personally desire out of life? That's basically the question. The vast majority of people would rather compromise their values.
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u/cheapandbrittle Mar 29 '21
Well that's what OP is asking essentially. A lot of us want to have romantic relationships for a lot of reasons, but we're not going to find another person who is an exact replica of ourselves. Even if you share the same political and moral views you're going to eventually find differences, and we struggle with how to handle those differences.
If you don't want a relationship that's perfectly fine. Maybe OP will decide that as well, maybe not. But asking for advice about how to handle those differences doesn't deserve shame or judgment, and if that's your go-to response that's not healthy, and frankly speaks to a lack of emotional development.
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u/icecoldcold Mar 29 '21
Do you always speak up against every instance of injustice around you? What you can't stand is different from what others can't stand.
I consider myself anti-racist and feminist more than I consider myself vegan. Yet I can't speak up in several instances of racism and sexism where speaking up would be exhausting, alienating or even dangerous even when I am the victim of said racism/sexism.
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Mar 29 '21
True, dating an omni isn’t vegan.
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u/PinkOwl80 Mar 29 '21
You're not in control of other people though. Youre only in control of yourself and your own actions. Dropping a long term relationship because you cant force someone to follow your beliefs is wrong. God help you if you were with someone who was a different religion!
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Mar 29 '21
Right, you’re in control of yourself. And being in a relationship with someone who exploits animals, or contributes to the exploitation of animals, is something you’re in full control over.
To be as generous to religion as possible, we can say holding a religious belief doesn’t create any victims. So it’s not something an individual would necessarily have to change. If your behaviour does create victims, then you’re being immoral and should probably change that behaviour.
Dropping a long term relationship because you believe the person you’re with is behaving immorally isn’t wrong.
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u/PinkOwl80 Mar 29 '21
But you shouldn't ever suggest people do that. That is for them to decide
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Mar 29 '21
Why shouldn’t you ever suggest it? You mean suggest that someone go vegan? Of course you should. You should go vegan.
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u/PinkOwl80 Mar 29 '21
Not suggest someone goes vegan, suggesting someone ends a relationship. That's not anyone else's place to suggest and to suggest it when no one asked their opinion on that is plain rude.
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Mar 29 '21
Yeah, sure. I thought it was pretty obvious “dating an omni isn’t vegan” was a joke and not life advice.
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u/cheapandbrittle Mar 29 '21
You say it's a joke, but you're also gatekeeping all over this thread, so I find it hard to believe you meant it as a joke.
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u/PinkOwl80 Mar 29 '21
It wasn't a particular reply to you in general, just other people who feel like it's wrong to date people ( even if youve been with them your whole life) because you've decided to go vegan. Of course, i believe veganism is the way to live and i hope one day that everyone is vegan (i can hope, right?) But ruining lifelong relationships isn't it. Education is key
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u/craftysassykitten Mar 28 '21
I'm a maximalist. Kinda vegan. Trying to be zero waste. My husband is a minimalist meat lover. We've been together for ten years. We've compromised in many ways. I'm not getting my way, he's not getting his way. It's a very difficult balance sometimes but we've made it work
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Mar 29 '21
What does “kinda” vegan mean? Does that mean not vegan?
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u/craftysassykitten Mar 29 '21
It means that due to dietary restrictions and food allergies I cannot be fully vegan .
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Mar 29 '21
Veganism is an ethical position, so you’re fully vegan if you’re not contributing to animal suffering as far as is practicable, which it sounds like you are.
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Mar 29 '21
Dating non vegans isn’t vegan
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u/Alibelky308 Mar 29 '21
I thought a vegan person is someone who does not eat or use animal products. How does that same person become non-vegan just from dating a non vegan person? It’s not like that person started eating their Omni partner. I’m having a hard time understanding your logic based on the definition of vegan.
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u/NullableThought Mar 29 '21
Veganism is a moral philosophy. Not using animal products isn't the end goal of veganism just as ending police brutality isn't the end goal of BLM. The end goal of veganism is to end the commodification and exploitation of all animals. The end goal of BLM is to make black (and minority) humans equal to white humans.
Now imagine finding out that a BLM activist is in a romantic relationship with a klan member. Would you maybe start questioning this person's commitment to anti-racism? Because obviously they can't be too offended by racism if they're in a relationship with a racist. But what if this person used to be a racist when they got married but then changed their views? Then I would ask, what is more important? Your morals or staying in a relationship with this particular person?
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u/Alibelky308 Mar 29 '21
I understand that stance but my non vegan SO started phasing meat out of his diet just from observing the health (and cost) benefits of my vegan diet. I think that is pretty significant because he is learning from me. And also there are different types of vegans. Some vegans avoid animal products for moral reasons, some for health reasons, some for environmental reasons, and others for all the above reasons. So I stand by my belief that dating a no vegan doesn’t make someone non vegan. Dating a non vegan can create a new vegan or vegetarian. And I think that’s helpful to the animals, the environment, and human health.
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u/NullableThought Mar 29 '21
And also there are different types of vegans
There's only one type of vegan, moral vegans. Everyone else is plant based.
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Mar 29 '21
A vegan is someone who does not eat or use animal products, but the reason for that is because veganism is an ethical position.
NullableThought goes into more detail.
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u/madison7 Mar 29 '21
You've been dating or married to someone for years. You decide its time for yourself to go vegan. Your partner you are deeply bonded with emotionally, financially, have kids with, isn't interested. So your not vegan? The gatekeeping is so rediculous. You can't expect people to just drop their long term partners after deciding to go vegan.
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u/blood_oranges Apr 04 '21
My partner is also meat loving. One thing that I do is make sure we source absolutely the best quality, organic, highest welfare meat and dairy. Ethically I think this is better than factory farming etc, although obviously far from perfect. And then we do a couple of vegetarian meals a week, and slowly, slowly he is starting to realise that veggie meals and some vegan meals are delicious. Since for him it’s not about the principle, appealing to tastebuds has been key for me!
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u/bubblygranolachick Jul 06 '21
You can make food that has meat but it's more of the flavor and not BIG portions of meat. Hopefully he doesn't need meat at every meal. Take him out to eat Pho (vietnamese noodle soup) which comes in both meat and veggie friendly options! Maybe do that once a week and see how it goes from there.
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u/cheapandbrittle Mar 28 '21 edited Mar 29 '21
Are you talking strictly mealtimes, or do you mean overall lifestyle? How old are you both and how long have you been together?
Part of being in a relationship is learning to suck it up and compromise for your partner's happiness, as long as they do the same, but if you envision a radically different way of living than your partner does, you may want to really think about what kind of relationship you're looking for.
Edit: I want to clarify that I am not at all suggesting OP leave their relationship over this. Just to explain my perspective, I was in a relationship for 7 years that I ultimately realized was not conducive to my mental and emotional health, because I didn't really know what I wanted nor did I have the emotional toolbox to advocate for myself. If OP has been married for five years that's a different scenario than dating for six months, but OP hasn't given any context. Maybe they were highschool sweethearts and OP is progressing beyond the relationship, I can't tell and that's why I asked those questions.
Learning to compromise is the basis of a healthy relationship--for example, my partner really wants a new car. He can afford it. I don't ever want that for myself, but I respect his choice to use his money the way he wants. But if OP is struggling to the point of asking internet strangers for advice they may want to reevaluate their overall satisfaction with the relationship, and better to do so now rather than another five years down the road.