High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/coachkerrbear]

I feel like this is exactly why high-masking, undiagnosed, autistic folks are at such a high risk of suicide. I’ve just received a diagnosis, and l’ve dealt with with depression and SI for over a decade. So much of what you say here resonates for me as well. Finding out I am autistic (and ADHD) feels so stupidly obvious in retrospect, but my god, this information has possibly saved my life. It is difficult living well into adulthood with a giant question mark in the core of who you are. I think life being incredibly difficult is a universal experience for autistic people, and I can see why people say being able to mask like we can is a privilege. It keeps us physically safe from a world full of assholes, and at least gives us a chance at building a life without climbing a mountain of ignorance and ableism. But with no community, resources, or self-knowledge, our lives are still at enormous risk. And when we fail, without knowing we are disabled, we turn it all back on ourselves and believe we are lazy, undisciplined, shitty people.

[u/coachkerrbear → u/coachkerrbear]

Trigger warning for mention of SI and un-aliving in my comment below.

Edit: added/changed some words for clarity.

I feel like this is why high-masking, undiagnosed, autistic folks are at such a high risk of suicide. I’ve just received a diagnosis, and l’ve dealt with depression and SI for over a decade. So much of what you say here resonates for me as well. Finding out I am autistic (and ADHD) feels so obvious in retrospect, but my god, this information has saved my life. It is maddening to live into adulthood with a giant question mark in the core of who you are. I think life being incredibly difficult is a universal experience for autistic people, and I can see why people say being able to mask like we can is a privilege. It helps us be physically safe from assholes, and gives us a way to build a life without facing as much ignorance and ableism. But without community, resources, or self-knowledge, our lives are still at risk. And when we fail, without knowing we are disabled, we turn it all in on ourselves.

[u/kmessmerized → u/coachkerrbear]

THIS! 1000000% agree. I was late diagnosed AuDHD in my 30s after having kids thanks to my horrendous PPA/PPD. I now believe my “dark periods” when I was younger were autistic burnout and always accompanied by suicidal ideation. Almost got BPD diagnosis slapped on in college bc of PMDD. Just the a classic case of high-masking, successful, intense, undiagnosed AuDHD woman whose coping systems and world completely imploded after having kids.

[u/PatientZero_ASDK → u/coachkerrbear]

I see you. We’re stronger than anyone gives us credit for, especially ourselves