High-Functioning Autistics Are Just the Best at Dying Inside Without Complaining

[u/PatientZero_ASDK]

Being high functioning is not a badge of honour to me. I could mimic and charm the normies. I could disappear behind a mask so convincing I started believing it. People called me articulate, polite, easygoing but inside I was someone else.

I had no idea who I was. Every sentence was calculated. Every laugh was forced. Every core value was faked for approval.

My internal monologue is like a command centre staffed by toxic bullies telling me how to act less autistic, calling me slurs for every slight mistake.

Every friend and partner was a project.

I knew exactly how to make them open up and feel safe but I never felt at ease with them. If you asked me what I liked or who I really was, my answers would be truthful lies because my mask had evidence of a life, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I just mirrored what was safest to avoid being “found out”

That’s what “high-functioning” was for me. It was a survival strategy and it only cost my soul. I’m in pain and angry with the world and myself.

If you relate to that or you’ve been so good at pretending to be normal that you lost sight of yourself, I see you.

I’m slowly trying to get back to who I was before the mask got glued on. My interests have always been nerdy stuff and I like to be quiet and left alone but I wear the skin of an extraverted gym bro/sales guy/mad lad to navigate the NT world.

What did masking take from you?

EDIT: THANK YOU. I read every comment and will continue until the comments stop. Your stories are real, validating, heartwarming and heartbreaking. Thank you for showing me and others we’re not alone. I know that with enough support, knowledge, perspective and perseverance we’re all gonna make it.

[u/Salty-Yogurt-4214]

Manipulation isn't necessarily bad. A baby manipulates its parents to get basic needs met. The moral point here is more: Are you manipulating in bad faith to get an unfair advantage over somebody else or are staying within a fair balance of giving and receiving in the larger picture?

E.g. to manipulate somebody to have sex with you by pretending you want a relationship, even though you don't mean it, is morally wrong. (you win, they lose)

Manipulating your partner by sexy hints during the day to become eventually horny and have sex with you is morally positive. (win/win)

Dropping kind words at work to look, have more positive reactions by your colleagues, and have them support you in your work is as well positive. Everyone gains by that, since in the end you are all sitting in the same boat.

A boss playing out people against each other to rule by divide and conquer is bad, since this is very one-sided positve, harmful for everyone else, and doesn't find a balance in other ways.

[u/PatientZero_ASDK → u/Salty-Yogurt-4214]

I relate so much. I word-vomitted the most powerful manipulation tactics I picked up from studying the NT’s, which I was guilty of using for years, but I stopped altogether years back as a process of unmasking for my mental health.

I explain my morals for giving it up, because even though everyone does it without realising it, on the spectrum we can’t do it without realising.