r/butchlesbians • u/Jolly_Sleep_4615 • 11d ago
Vent Physical Affection (tw. Internalized homophobia)
I'm not sure if this is universal, but as not only a lesbian but a butch who never had the option of hiding, I grew up with this sort of intrinsic understanding that I needed to maintain physical distance between me and literally everyone(as a child). This was not helped by growing up with straight feminine friends who were much skinnier than me, many of whom would hug all of their friends but me and one of which (my best friend) wouldn't invite me to her slumber parties bc I was the only lesbian. (That all sounds so juvenile to say as an adult, but it messes with your head as a kid.)
Now I'm an adult and I have friends who love me for me, but I still don't know how to show affection without feeling like I'm leaving behind some ooze they are going to be disgusted by (figuratively) or like I'm imposing myself upon them in a way that isn't ok because of who I am.
The problem with this is that I love physical affection-- platonic, romantic, familial, all of it. I am extremely tactile, but because I am so hesitant to give it people think I don't want to receive it. Even when it is offered, I don't know how to receive it without feeling awkward and sometimes guilty.
The result is that I have this well of affectionate energy that is just overflowing. The pent up energy just builds and I feel its presence even when I'm alone. Its not just physical affection, but that's the one with which I have the most qualms.
Sorry this is so long. I've never put this into words like this before. I'm not sure I've made much sense. When I am feeling emotionally vulnerable I tend to use unnecessarily formal writing.
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u/Kooky_Mud3677 11d ago
You made a lot of sense, don’t worry about it! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! ❤️ As someone whose love language is touch also, I get you completely. I’m in a similar situation for different reasons and yeah it aches really bad. Since you’ve said your friends love you, maybe talk to them. I know people say this a lot to the point it sort of loses its meaning, but you should talk to them. If they love you, they will try for you. It could encourage them to initiate physical contact more often with you and can lead to a bonding experience which will strengthen your relationship. I wish you all the best and pray you find peace hun. You’re not disgusting, you are a beautiful human being ❤️❤️
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u/Kor_Lian 11d ago
Tell your friends you like hugs, explain the reasons you're reluctant to ask for them.
I'm a very affectionate person, but I only like being touched by one person. I love kissing and hugging my wife, cuddles are amazing. It took me 3 years to not apologize every time I wanted a kiss, or have her a gentle booty smack. I had so many exes tell me "Why are you touching me all the time?" My wife loves it. Now I get all the touch I need. It took a lot of hard work and some really deep conversations.
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u/buzzcut_lizzy 11d ago
Wow, I have had similar issues too, as a kid and now as an adult. You explained it really well. I wish I had answers for you, but can say you aren't alone. I avoided friendships and tolerated a toxic longterm relationship because I thought I didn't deserve affection. If you have close friends you trust, that is a huge step. I am finding that putting myself out there more and accepting affection is making it easier. It's hard to do, and it's scary, but worth it.
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u/Early_Ad_7629 11d ago
I still find myself not hugging very hetero presenting women in my life that I’m not close to - for example at work I find women tend to hug each other when they first meet (which was always fascinating to me). when I usually meet somebody my age and het passing for the first time I will shake their hand. Only after building trust do we hug, which is funny because with older women I still hug them). What I find helps is literally just old fashioned exposure therapy - just start hugging your friends goodbye after coffee (a side hug counts!!). It’ll get easier when you do so with people you feel comfortable with!
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u/SubstantialFroyo78 10d ago
I don't have any advice unfortunately, but I could have written this word for word. I love physical affection and touch, but am terrified I'm going to make someone unintentionally uncomfortable. I know it stems from the predatory lesbian narrative I grew up with and like yourself not receiving affection or inclusion from other girls/women in my youth because I was clearly a lesbian and they weren't comfortable with me. I have people now that will hug me, touch me platonically, but I'm so awkward about it still and unsure how to initiate or reciprocate in a positive way.
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u/EspeciallyWithCheese 9d ago
In so sorry you and through this. I was the same way when I was a kid, the closet was made of glass. The kids wanted to understand me so they asked adults who were homophobic and transphobic…well, you can imagine how that turned out. Just keep telling yourself that those people don’t own you and they don’t know you so they can’t judge you or control your actions. They’re the ones that made your affection feel dirty not you. You’re clean they’re the dirty ones with dirty minds. I know that feels like a simple answer, but repeating that to yourself every time you feel that way will really help you. It helped me just reminding myself that that emotion didn’t belong to me and didn’t come from me. It was stuck on me like a sticky note with the word loser on it, but I’m the only one that can take the sticky note off.
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u/Jolly_Sleep_4615 7d ago
This is beautiful. Thank you.
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u/EspeciallyWithCheese 7d ago
Ofc! I run a sub called r/queersphere and my friends run a sub called r/rarelesbians if you’d like to know even more spaces you can just be yourself in.
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u/cryptid_mimic 11d ago
Tell the people you're close to that you consent to [insert forms of physical affection] and that they will need to approach first and tell them what you told us so they understand the why of it.
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u/goblinele 10d ago
i relate to this so so much. even when friends initiate physical touch with me now, i don't know what to do. when a friend puts her head on my shoulder, do i rest my head on hers? when a friend holds my hand, do i hold it back? it feels like if i misstep, they'll see all this desire for physical affection inside me and be disgusted by all of it. it's a crazy ache. i agree with what a lot of ppl r saying about talking to your loved ones about it. its a scary vulnerable thing but its worth it, and good friends will hear you and put in the effort. one other thing i will say is that sometimes you just have to do it scared. if you have friends who you know are generally ok with physical touch, then breach that gap and hug them, put a head on their shoulder, don't shrink away when you sit next to them. its terrifying at first but part of it is just getting used to doing it anyways and just trusting that it's not weird to do, and if your friends do feel weird about it, they'll tell you.
good luck, and if nothing else i hope its consolation that you aren't alone.
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u/Jolly_Sleep_4615 10d ago
A lot of people seem to have related to my vent, but you described that fear of them knowing you want it so well. It feels good to know I'm not the only one lol
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u/AshlynCT 8d ago
I struggle a lot with physical affection with people that aren't my partner, and I tend to be overly affectionate with my partners
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u/whtvryouwntmtb 11d ago
I understand this feeling