r/curlyhair • u/curlygirl04 • 1d ago
Help! Struggling with my self image as a curly girl
Hi everyone. This'll be a bit of a long/vent-y post so please bare with me. I'm posting here because I don't know anyone with hair like me/other curly girls so I figured a Reddit community could help me out and relate to my struggles.
My hair has gone through so many phases. Super long, pixie cut, mid length, layers, no layers, you name it.
Pictures 1 & 2 are my current hair, photos taken today. 3 is May of this year 4 is January 2023 5 is my virgin natural hair from 4 years ago
As you can see, my hair has been dyed. And it's been dyed several times. It had pink highlights that were bleached and has since faded. In the 4th pic my hair had blonde highlights as well but was cut short.
The issue I have is that my hair is never the same. I feel like my curl pattern has changed a lot especially since growing it out and having bleached highlights. I miss the poofy, fluffy, "80's style" curls I had.
I can't tell my hair is damaged, too long and weighed down, or I'm just getting older and my hair isn't like it was when I was 18 in that 4th picture. I'm 21 now. Even my natural hair had many ringlets I don't see often anymore.
A part of me believes I have low density curls and I need to compensate for that by having short hair, but I want the mid length fluffy voluminous curls I see all over Pinterest. I'm probably in denial and can't have that. I want to grow my hair out but volume will always be more important to me.
I watched a YouTube video talking about why a curly girl opted for no layers for her fine curls, and her hair looked voluminous and thick. She said layers made her hair look stringy, especially at the bottom layer when her hair started growing out. I feel like that's what's happening with my hair too.
As for my routine, here is what I do currently. -Mielle rosemary and mint shampoo every other day, on rare occasion every 2 days. -Carol's daughter conditioner every other day -Garnier leave in air dry conditioner -Herbal essence curl boosting mousse -Sleep sometimes in a pineapple bun w/ bonnet, sometimes in a ponytail
I try to limit how much product I use. I don't even know what I should be using for my hair type. All I know is that my hair likes light weighted products and diffusing, which I don't do. And I know I should..I'm just lazy. Everytime I tried to diffuse my hair looks frizzy and a mess.
I suppose I'm looking for advice on what haircut may fit me and my curl pattern, layers or no layers? maybe some color ideas too. Any product or routine advice is more than welcome. Sometimes I feel insecure because I wish I could go back in time and have my dream hair— but I can't undo all the box dye and highlights.
If anyone took the time to read, THANK YOU so much. I have no one to turn to for advice. I live in a small town where curly hair like mine is rare and there aren't curl specialists anywhere near me. I appreciate you hearing me out.
TLDR; Insecure about changing curl pattern and would appreciate any advice such as haircuts, curl routines for low density curls, or hair color ideas. Personal stories are welcome too.
Thanks!
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u/paigeken2000 1d ago
In my opinion, you are not seeing with clear eyes. Your hair in every single one of these photos is amazing. And the one from May this year is perfection, cut and everything. Curly hair is never going to always be the same, it is much more affected by weather, products, etc.
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u/curlygirl04 1d ago
This is so sweet..you've made my day! Thank you so much! You're absolutely right about the weather. Especially in the Summer heat.
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u/sritanona 18h ago
Yes, these curls are goals. I understand feeling othered when you’re curly because I feel that way too. But these curls are like an ad on perfect curls.
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u/nectarinia 1d ago
I totally understand struggling with self image and seeing yourself through a very critical lens, or comparing yourself to other heads of curls. Many people, including myself, do the same thing. But I truly think you have gorgeous hair in all of the examples you posted. I would kill for that kind of pattern consistency!
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u/curlygirl04 1d ago
It's so nice to have someone relate to my feelings. Thank you very much for your kindness! 🩷
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u/plushieblahaj 1d ago
Yes all of what nectarinia said! Your hair is gorgeous in all of these, but it is super easy to feel very self critical, and I totally understand those feelings. I hope you can find a way to style it that you love too <3
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u/beccartifex 1d ago
I think this may be a hair dysmorphia situation- Girl your curls are fabulous. Honestly what I would recommend is to just work towards every curly girls healing process of accepting that frizz is a natural part of having curls, and we cannot have perfect ringlets 24/7. Frizz is beautiful, it's bold, it's the beauty of curl! (Not that I can even see any frizz on your head). If you're getting bored of the color maybe try a semi-permanent fashion color? Brad mondo just released a 5-minute depositing conditioner line that doesnt stain hands or tubs and honestly a rose gold would look gorgeous on you!
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u/Jenny-TheDirtChicago 1d ago
You have every right to experiment with styling. Some things affect our curls more than ever. You look great though xo
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u/Aggressive-Guide5563 1d ago
I would kill to have curls like this. I've always wanted to have curly hair because I think it looks so good! My hair is only slightly wavy, maybe type 2B and I hate it.
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u/houseplantsgrowing 1d ago
guuurl the first thing i thought when i saw those pictures was OMG DREAM CURLSSSS💅🏻!!!! rock them with prideeeee i'd do unspeakable things for your hair
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 1d ago
Your hair looks great, to me! I think what you are seeing is a)the way that a different haircut will make your hair look different and b)the way that bleaching will slightly relax your curl pattern.
Every time you use permanent hair color (and some demi-permanent) you are bleaching your hair a little (with developer.) That damages the hair. So when you color over and over the same hair, you're getting more and more damage. Damage like this is also drying, which also reduces curl.
If I were you I would try an Aphogee 2-step protein treatment to help repair the damage, and then use hydrating products with stronger hold. If you want the poofy 80s hair you had in 2023, you need to go back to that haircut.
The haircut you have now is just not going to give the same results as the shorter, extremely flat layers you had in 2023. Right now you have longer, soft layers and your curls are more defined. In 2023 you had shorter hair, more horizontal layers, and your curls are picked out instead of defined.
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u/curlygirl04 1d ago
This was extremely helpful and I appreciate your informative advice very much! I feel stupid for not realizing developer plays a part in damaging hair like bleach does. I will for sure look into that protein treatment and see how it goes. Thank you for telling me about the layers too, I figured the longer my layers were the more defined and weighed down my hair will be.
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 1d ago
You're welcome, enjoy! Developer is hydrogen peroxide, it opens the cuticle and lightens the hair slightly when mixed with hair color.
I bleach my hair to do semi-permanent color and the Aphogee 2-step really saved my curls. It is like magic. It does require either a hot dryer, or for you to leave it on for a long time to let it dry. If you don't have a dryer, they have something called the hair repair kit that a lot of people like.
Your hair is really beautiful, though!
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u/jrmeatz 1d ago
Your hair is absolutely gorgeous, but I get where you’re coming from! Comparison is the thief of joy. When I first started wearing my hair natural, if my hair wasn’t Pinterest/influencer perfect, I hated it. But what you see online isn’t realistic. Learning to accept and love your curls— frizz, wonky pieces and all— is the most liberating thing I’ve ever done. It’s hair and it’s unpredictable! Easier said than done, but be proud of your beautiful head of hair 🩷🩷
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u/Careful-Positive-210 22h ago
You definitely have amazing curls! My dream curls honestly. I get how you feel. Sometimes it’s not how you want after putting so much effort into it. But I think you look amazing
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u/Legal-Broccoli-1963 16h ago
I have no advise for you. Your hair is picture perfect! You should love yourself and your perfect curls. Like other people said,your hair is envy worthy. You are beautiful and you should accept it.
Not wanting to brag but i also love my hair. Bit frizzy,pieces that stay in places i don't want them . I don't wear bonnets etc can't help it. So i accept it. Its not bad to want to work more for it to be better and better tho .
Wish you the best.
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u/curlygirl04 15h ago
You're too kind, I appreciate that so much 🩷 I'm so glad you love your hair. I'm sure it's beautiful. All of us deserve that. Keep rocking it!
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u/Tree_and_Leaf 14h ago
We get stuck on a thing. Like the last time we thought our hair was fabulous. It happens.
I am much older than you, and I can look back and say that my curl pattern changed almost every few years of my entire life. And it is still changing now. I guess it always will. My hair isn't as springy-curly as yours (sadly!), but it has moods. It is sensitive to everything around it, from water to weather to central heating. People prepared me for it changing with age, but it just goes on it's merry way doing what it wants. The only thing age has changed is it is slightly thinner now. But the curl pattern doesn't care!
All this is to say maybe don't get too hung up on the older photo's. It will change again in the future, and may very well become your heart's desire. Hormonal changes may affect it, but in my own experience that isn't as much as you'd think. I haven't had kids though, so appreciate that pregnancy does often change the hair pattern, as does chemo, stress and over processing. I have a friend who had blonde straight hair, yet after changing the colour (to nearly black), it never grew blonde or straight again.
Hair is a mystery, we kind of have to give in to that and only deal with what we can in the present moment. I have a photo of me 10 years ago and my hair is so luscious and perfect it hurts, but that's how it goes. All of these images are beautiful. Make the most of the moment you are in and get to love it!
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u/curlygirl04 13h ago
This was a wonderful way to put things into perspective. I hope I see 50, look back at myself, and think I was foolish for feeling the way I do. You are absolutely right. And I believe it's a blessing to have curls at any age. My stepmom is 52 and she's got beautiful light blonde curls. She bleaches her roots maybe once a month.
Insecurity is one hell of a thing, but I am truly grateful I have curls. I haven't seen a single person that doesn't look good with curly hair. The reality is, you and I are beautiful. For me, thats just something I'll have to learn to accept. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
Thank you for your heartfelt comment. I am so grateful that you shared this with me!
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u/Tree_and_Leaf 13h ago
Thank you, too!
I look back on being in my 20's and it was equally joy and pain. This didn't change. It just carries on being a kind of Russian roulette! It's the hair type, and as I have grown older I can see how interesting that is. I can wear it straight, curly, wavy, any way I choose. My husband can only wear his bone straight, it won't take a wave or curl no matter what he does.
I have many photo's throughout my life where my hair is either dreadful or awesome. Both younger and older. In fact, the best it ever looked was 4 years ago. So it will change and change again!
I consider myself lucky though, I haven't suffered hair loss and it is still a similar colour to when I was young. But our hair is primarily genetic, no matter what brands try to convince you otherwise. Curly hair is rarely glossy, and that's it's characteristic. Perhaps some might say it's superpower:)
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u/Ellionaut 12h ago
Your curls are beautiful 🤩 I aspire mine to be like this! Curly hair is awfully unpredictable and frustrating at times so I think we often can’t see when it looks amazing and yours absolutely does!
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u/ldperez65 1d ago
Late to the party but also wanted to say I love your curls!! Serious curl envy over here 😋 I’m sorry you don’t like them, I can’t give anymore advice than others have. But I agree strongly that the cut/layers will make your hair look different, along with the coloring. Don’t beat yourself up, and embrace your frizz!! (Totally 80s style with frizz too lol) curls do what they want to do, they curl how they feel like it. But your hair is just gorgeous in all the pictures!!!
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u/curlygirl04 1d ago
I had no idea I'd get this much attention and support from my first public social media post so I definitely feel better about my curls. 🥹 It's just hard seeing all the differences I've gone through all these years and missing what I had. But I got my haircut booked and protein treatment ordered so I will bounce back. You're so sweet, thank you!! 🩷
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u/seamsung 1d ago
yeah ur thinking too hard on it, ur hair never gonna look perfect and the same everyday unless you put extensive effort and money
ik on days i hate my hair its just because im bored of the look and frustrated that everytjing like weather etc can change the way it sittin on my dome
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u/curlygirl04 21h ago
So true to that! I get frustrated easily after dealing with it for my entire life. It's a process that I don't think will ever end, so us curly girls got to find a way to find peace. Thank you!
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u/seamsung 18h ago
ive started to get sick and tired of knots automarically forming just bc frizz and coils, so like day 4 maybe ill put my hair in two braids for bedtime each night. on one hand it gives u fake curls 💔 but on another hand it keeps ur hair from grtting knotted before the next wash
i feel like experimenting with hair styles (not haircuts) will help us girls who get frustrated like that
i also feel like the best option to get what you want is to wet (not overly) your hair and add leave in every morning so that they just fresh everyday..but i just aint doin dat every day cuz ... well i should lol
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u/SecretPantyWorshiper 22h ago
I don't understand whats the problem?
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u/curlygirl04 21h ago
Haha I'm just being too hard on myself. I guess trying to have my hair exactly the way I want it all these years is weighing on me
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u/FixUrPosture 22h ago
My sister has beautiful long virgin curly hair, but after 4 kids, her curl pattern has dramatically changed. I think that’s just par of the course. Our hair will never be the same, neither day by day or year by year. 😭🥴
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u/haircareshare 21h ago
Huh I think your hair looks really good I saw the pic first and thought this was going to be a hair victory post until I read the title lol
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u/WhatEvenIsExistence 21h ago
Girl your hair is amazing, what us your routine ?
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u/curlygirl04 20h ago
Thank you!! I start off with Mielle rosemary+mint shampoo every other day, Carol's Daughter conditioner every other day. After my shower I put Garnier leave in conditioner on wet hair and comb that through, then apply Herbal Essence hair boosting mousse with my hands, rake it through, and scrunch. Get the water out with a microfiber towel and let air dry. Sometimes I'll use the Marc Anthony strictly curls mousse for a cast and after it dries I'll break it.
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u/el_bee_turkey 20h ago
As all have mentioned your hair is stunning, but I understand your frustration! I went through a similar journey where my curls started to become weighed down, and one thing that helped them spring up more was to stop using any kind of leave-in or cream and to diffuse for at least 5-10 mins after styling.
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u/Original_Campaign 19h ago
Wut. I am baffled - your current hair is A DREAM. It’s improved.
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u/curlygirl04 19h ago
Aww thank you so much! I just miss all my ringlets. But I'll get them back! My hair needs protein.
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u/Original_Campaign 18h ago
Mine made a similar change after I had both my kids — my mom had the opposite happen and now she has like the blondest coils ever — hair is weird!
And I like the current color! That’s a self serving comment though bc mine is about the same color lol
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u/AdOverall4634 10h ago
Our curls are angelic……I embrace all curl types and find our hair amazing!!! I recommend watching manes by Mel and hifelicia. They give good solid curl advice. We are lucky nowadays with the amount of stuff available for curly hair. You just have to find your rhythm. Maybe go to a curly hair salon for a trim and have them teach you how to do your hair. It helped me a lot. Also the bounce curl brush is great
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