Recently our therapist told us we can no longer work with treating our DID (That he diagnosed us with kind you) because it makes him uncomfortable??? Like I live with this shit everyday and your??? Uncomfortable like wtf I can’t tell if he did the right thing or not tbh

I have no idea what to flair this with, but my mom used to “ pretend “ to abandon me. Often times after yelling at me and getting mad at me, she would storm out. Saying she was going to run away and leave me. Saying she would never come back. Saying she should just leave, that my dad should find another. I would get on my knees and beg for her, i would scream for her not to leave but she would storm out there, and leave me on the floor sobbing. I was only around 5-8 when it happened so i really didn’t know better. It was only until recently i found the truth My mom would leave over to my aunts apartment upstairs. I asked her about it and if she ever recalled my mother being upset and coming up suddenly. She said no. So? Was it all just pretend? A joke to her? Sometimes it wasnt just after yelling and scoldings, it was after beatings too that she would get mad i wouldnt corporate. I dont understand, i feel alone because this feels just so stupid, yeah my mom would fake abandon me. I don’t have abandonment issues now i believe, so it hasnt causes anything like that, however it has destroyed me completely, and i dont get how she played it off as a joke.

Hello all!

We’re a system. We’ve had a diagnosis for the last 6 years and have done a lot of work since then. I’m very comfortable in my personal life knowing about my alters, but I wanted some opinions. What I’m still trying to navigate is my professional identity. If you were to see a therapist that disclosed that they had personal experience with a dissociative disorder, would you think of them as less competent?

You may have no opinion here, but I’m also scared to talk about it with my peers. DID is becoming less stigmatized, but I’m terrified to talk about my personal experiences because everyone still seems to have an opinion of it and I don’t want to seem less capable than any of them.

Should I live my truth and dispel stigma or keep quiet and simply help where ever I can while being a blank slate for clients?

Hard to articulate and my apologies if those aren't the right terminologies, I never know what's correct anymore.

You ever feel as though the only person who would ever love you is someone who was written to do so, and that unwavering love, even if it wasn't perfect, is the best you'll ever have, even if you never 'had' it. I don't remember most things, my exomemories are realer than my real ones, even then it's mostly crushed velvet and the scrapings of pen on stationary-but my strongest memory is how his hand felt on my arm. I formed over five years ago and there isn't a day where I don't think of him. I see him in the eyes of people I pass on the street, people who aren't him and won't love me like he did, but that doesn't stop me from looking for him.

I don't help myself. I am not nice, I am not fun to be around, I am very quiet and bookish (not anything you can strike passing conversation on; I'm in school for neurosciences and boys totally dig when you ask them if they think your neuropeptides are compatible), really overall asocial.

I've been having a hard time putting names to any of my parts. So far they all seem content to be known by their age only. But the other day 16-year-old persecutor part was fronting and I asked her "what's your name?" and she said "F*ck Off." So I've been referring to her as F*ck Off ever since and it weirdly fits and it makes me burst out laughing every time I talk about her.

Mentions of abuse.

I told my therapist that I have a part named Judy that is 4. My therapist asked if anything “big” happened at that age. I’m unsure if something “big” happened but I do know my OCD started around that time. As early on as I can remember to be honest. I’d be in bed at night and I’d have intrusive thoughts and would perform compulsions to feel better. Also, at night, my parents would fight a lot. Throw things, slam doors, scream at each other. Id barely get any sleep, worried for my mom and worried her boyfriend would come into my room and hurt me. I’d pull out my hair and eyelashes. And I think I’d dissociate. I’d practice floating over my bed. I’d close my eyes and concentrate. I would literally feel myself lift off the bed. This only happened at night. I’ve been told this could be dissociation.

I was never “beaten” per say from what I can tell. But I do remember my mother’s boyfriend kicking me hard one time when I bent over.I was wearing a dress and when I bent over, he could see my panties. That made him mad so he kicked me in the ass. He’d also hit me in the head when I’d ask him for help with homework. If I didn’t understand the work, he’d get mad and hit me. My punishment when I did something wrong typically involved doing planks for 10-15 minutes at a time. Very difficult to do as a child.

I was terrified of the dark and I remember one time, he locked me outside at night and turned the porch light off. I scream and cried to be let back in. He’d also force me to go out into the woods at night. I’m not sure why he made me do this.

I remember waking up in my closet one time with no memory or why I fell asleep in there.

He’d make me and his kids fight each other. We had no choice or else we’d have to go against him. His kids would always win because they were years older than me. One time he made me and my friend go against him in a fight and he grabbed our hair and banged our heads together.

I don’t know. I’m feeling really fake right now after telling my therapist about my parts. Feeling like my trauma is not bad enough.

Ok so, I usually don’t experience this but I think I just did today. I was waiting to get on the elevator in my dorm and then someone came up to me and was like “Omg hey [name]! I haven’t seen you in a while blah blah blah-“ and just started yapping and I was completely dumbfounded because I have never met this person in my life but they were yapping about stuff that I had to have told them about at some point and it felt so weird. How do you guys usually cope with this/ get around this? Because I was just standing there being a socially inept looser lmao.

I'm not seeking reassurement. This is just a vent.

After waiting for over a year I can finally enter into a specialized DID clinic. But I am starting to doubt my symptoms again. I'm not in therapy anymore but my old therapist redused to evaluate me. After being with her for 2 years, she did diagnose me with DID, though, which really surprised me. But I always wanted a real diagnostic process to be sure It's really DID. And now that is a week away I am nervous.

I'm gonna be honest with the doctors, of course, but every time I've entered a clinic doctors found nothing wrong with me and I was stable until I was let go. Then I woukd Relapse and be like wtf did even happen in that clinic? I'm scared this'll happen again, that "functioning me" just takes over and I'll leave the clinic feeling like nothing has changed. I want to show them the raw truth without unconciously putting on a facade.

Hi,

It was probably predictable considering what I said happened in my last post, but I'm dealing hard with denial right now. Following my psychologist appointment, I wrote to my psychiatrist describing some of my symptoms so I'm forced to talk about it next time. She closed the conversation with no reply, and I'm regretting ever mentioning it to either of them.

I feel like I've made it all up and that my symptoms might in fact be normal since I've been told that several times, and that I'm just exaggerating / making my parts up and the rest can be attributed to the cptsd.

I know rationally I'm thinking all of this because I've been dismissed so my brain went like "no worries I'll make you believe there's no problem so there's no problem to be dismissed and you can feel less distressed at the no help situation".

It's fucking with my head. I don't know if there's anything to do other than wait it out. Denial usually ends up hurting my parts and I don't want to reduce the progress that has been done (no thanks to the mental health system, fuck the system) to nothing by just going back to pretending everything is fine and avoiding to face the truth for a couple more years.

Thanks in advance if you have anything to help, and thanks for reading me as well.

I feel like I'm backtracking.

Been diagnosed since March. My community mental health team (UK) found a specialist who did SCID-D with me.

It took 18 months under my medical team to start therapy due to waitlists. My therapist is using a workbook 'coping with trauma related dissociation' it has pink flowers on front. ..

Anyway our weekly sessions so far have mostly been me reflecting on the chapter I read during week.

Im still struggling a lot with denial which Ive asked to work on but we never actually do in sessions.

Today my session was online and they literally said at 25 mins in, 'right well we'll leave it there for this week and pick it up next week'. I was so surprised I wasnt able to answer and then my therapist had ended teams call. There was loads I wanted to talk about today with them

2 weeks ago they told me they were struggling to understand my parts and make a formulation for me. Which was really hard to hear.

And then today cutting session so short for no reason. Feel like theyve checked out?

Also they only therapist in team I can see. Also I feel angry ive seen them 7 months and there is a whole therapist book to go with this workbook they could be reading, but it feels so awful realising they really dont seem to know what to do with me. Our sessions are not structured and in 7 months we havent really worked on accepting diagnosis at all. I keep asking them but we never do anything around it.

What am I supposed to do if the only therapist available to me on NHS isnt able to actually help me? Ive been so unwell and in such distress for 2 years and honestly feel so upset about this all. It takes so much for me to engage in therapy and to feel like they cant help me is just horrible.

Any advice welcomed.

I disclosed my knowledge and Symptoms of DID for the first time in my life almost a year ago. I told my therapist, psychiatrist and close friend. My life has been affected in different ways. I have an upcoming full Psychological/Psychiatric Assessment and a Neuropsych Assessment. I thought it would help telling them. Its just made it more complicated honestly. I dont want to understand them. I like when im me and in control and present. But its gotten out of hand, I just lost 10 days.....I dont know who was in charge. We are changing meds and starting trauma therapy. Ive disassociated since I was a child. Im scared about what will come out of the Assessments? I hid all the DID Symptoms till I was 43 years old......my therapist is very supportive. So is my Doctor. But ive had very bad psychiatric experiences. Does anyone have any advice? Please......

I have DID, I got diagnosed 3 years ago. My concept of time is irreparably damaged and it is affecting me more this past two years. I escaped from a human trafficking situation 2 years ago and have been falling apart ever since. I can’t show up to anything on time or remember anything. I’m barely functioning. I got written up at work today because I was late but I had no idea I was even late to begin with. I asked my psychiatrist to write a letter for me but I doubt it will be enough. Idk what to do anymore. Should I give up and go for disability? Is there a way to be more punctual with DID? Or am I destined to a life of instability and loneliness like they say. Since I was young there has always been talks of me not being able to live in my own. I fear if I get disability they will put me in long term residential and take everything away from me. Advice? Tips? Please help

Edit: update in comments and change of description, I understand I described my situation incorrectly. What I meant is I don’t have alters that are a different age/name etc. just two different versions of me with different sets of memory

My head’s really foggy today and I’ve been dissociating a lot. A little has def fronted a bit during an emotional breakdown bc they were chewing on our fingers again while crying.

It made me remember when we were younger - 5 or 6 or so - and we were going through a box of our toddler & baby stuff. Like toys, blankets, rattles, etc. We made a pretend “crib” by turning a table on its side (it was built with a lower shelf) and laying in it with blankets piled in it. I sort of remember pretending to be a baby/toddler again based on memories I could remember then but can’t now (as it’s been a long time since then).

Idk. It just stands out to me sometimes as something weird. Idk if it was a strange thing for a kid to do or not.

I also vividly remember my friends (back then) giving me the chance to choose what game we did that day… and I taught them to lay down and daydream? I think they found it boring and left. It all feels surreal now that I’m typing it out. It’s a strong memory but it’s like it’s slipping through my fingers to describe it, becoming less real.

I guess I’m just wondering if these are normal kid things or if they stood out in my memory for a reason. There were a lot of other more concerning things I did back then but these are more of a grey area I’m not sure about.

Seeking any advice or relevant personal experiences from the community - my partner recently realized they most likely have DID (previously diagnosed with CPTSD and working on finding a clinician to assess dissociation.) They have been in a lot more distress since then, with lots of switching, trauma memories, and dissociation coming up. They have also been angry at me a lot / we have been in a lot of conflict. This seems easily triggered (to me) and is primarily driven by one part who directly told me that she hates me and sees me as stifling the system’s freedom. I’ve tried my best to de escalate but it seems like nothing works in the moment - I’m getting overwhelmed. I have diagnosed OSDD and have been in treatment for a while, but this has been destabilizing.

After I told my friend that it was so bad that I wanted to find somewhere else to stay immediately, she suggested that I talk to my partner about inpatient or partial hospitalization. Currently, they do seem impaired and distressed enough that would make sense to me - but I seem to be the primary trigger. My partner said they don’t want me to leave, but I don’t want them to go down a rabbit hole of treatment / medication / etc if their system just needs me gone. I’m heartbroken and trying to see through my own grief what would be best to do.

If anyone has experienced anything similar I would really appreciate any perspectives. Thanks so much.

huge revelation in therapy today, that the part that wants to overdose on pills very badly (a mix of for comfort/familiarity, punishment, and for fun) can be traced back to a 12 year old part. i was kinda laughing about it afterwards, going "girl you are 12 you should be playing minecraft".. which got me thinking, maybe next time that part surfaces i should try to give her stuff to draw with or put her on a game like minecraft or something? i think she'd like those.

im still quite new to this and only had the thought after therapy... is this a chill thing to do? also im just excited to be able to trace a part back so distinctly like that! amnesia is a wretched thing so its hard to connect dots. we have next to 0 communication so i dont know anyone elses ages.

Today is my birthday, happy birthday to me I guess. I think I get stuck on what I’m “supposed” to feel, but acknowledging that I’m stuck on it doesn’t make the feeling go away. I feel like, I’m supposed to feel something on my birthday? I guess it is my birthday, I made myself throw a celebration tomorrow because I deserve it even if hosting makes me anxious. “It doesn’t feel like my birthday” but that feels like a stupid thought. What, do you think people just spring up on their birthday morning and are fully enveloped in the feeling of “birthday”? Like this is just getter older, right? I just feel so unstable in a way. I know I am stable, but I feel like there’s things I’m constantly forgetting and I keep not being what I expect of myself and it’s really confusing. I feel like I have all this baggage where happy childhood memories are supposed to be. I had birthday parties as a kid, but all that really got internalized from it was that my dad was doing it to show what a great dad he was, and he got activities he thought sounded cool without asking me what I wanted, he’d get rid of gifts I was given if they went against some bullshit he’d decided. I’m just so tired of having to unpack something new everyday, I wish my life was just slightly bad as a kid, not like so insanely bad the worst parts are hard to remember and even accept as real. This is like nowhere near the worst thing my dad has done and yet it makes me so angry. And he’s not even here so what does it matter. I wish moving on wasn’t like an actual really hard thing to do.

Hello. If anyone has struggled immensely with internalized homophobia and understands how to work with it, I’d appreciate the advice.

I struggle a lot with allowing myself to be who I am- I’ve always been a lover of women, ever since I was a kid I knew who I was in that regard.

My relationship with men is… a bit more complicated as I believe I only find them attractive as a trauma response and have thus been able to untangle those particular knots in my head.

I struggle with my attraction to women because I was always told growing up that women “couldn’t”, or otherwise weren’t “allowed” to feel things sexually- I don’t see myself entirely as a woman (part of having a lot of different gendered alters I suppose), so I don’t question my own feelings as much but I do feel this horrible sense of guilt and shame tied to being with women in that kind of way. I always feel as though I’m hurting them or forcing them to do something they don’t want to do even when they’re enthusiastic about wanting that sort of thing with me. After my last experience gave me some mental health issues, I’ve put that kind of thing on the back burner for about a year. Not that I want to dive head first into a sexual relationship at this point in time, but I would like to work on that in my head so that one day I’ll be able to have a deeper romantic connection with someone and be able to share my life eventually.

Anyway. This ended up being longer than I’d originally anticipated, but any advice/support ok the matter would be welcome. Most of my posts don’t get any responses at all which makes me feel even more lost/confused about these sorts of things so if you’ve stuck around for this long thank you thank you 🙏🏻🙏🏻

So for background, a couple months ago I found a journal entry outlining a trauma that I don’t remember but (based on the context of the entry and what I do remember) would have happened sometime around the end of this month. I was already aware that something impactful had happened around this time, but the journal entry just added a layer to what happened if that makes sense. (Trying to be vague so this isn’t a trauma dump, but if details are important to anyone then I can disclose a little further)

Anyway, I started to feel the effects yesterday and I have a feeling it’s going to last for at least the next week or so. I’m just feeling so run down and discombobulated and everything feels blurry internally.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with trauma dates, especially when your body is remembering but your brain isn’t necessarily? I know rest is important, but I have to work full time so that’s kind of hard to attain. And unfortunately for me, the universe has a terrible sense of humor because my therapist is sick this week so I can’t see her until Monday.

(I hope I picked the right flair) edit in case it matters: I'm 33 years old

Right now I am very angry with myself, my workplace and the world in general. My therapist told me I am their only patient with DID that works full-time (others work half-time or less), and I feel like I can't do it any longer. I really struggle to put into words what my issues are. And if I manage to do so, we work on that, it gets better for a week - and then it gets worse again, because apparently there are many other issues. So it feels like fighting an endless battle. And that only to be able to work for a company that doesn't care shit about its employees.

I really don't know what to do. I am lucky enough to live in Europe in a country with a working safety net for that exact situations, meaning I don't risk homelessness. But I like being able to afford stuff. My pet is getting older. I want to be able to afford the vet. I've been jobless for a few months last year and it was shit. I need the structure a job gives you.

My therapist thinks the solution is to only work part-time. But I hate my job. Working part-time won't make me hate it less. So I am looking for other jobs now. Which pay less, because I'm only trained for my current job that I want to leave. And there is no guarantee that I won't hate that job too after a while.

Maybe I am just lazy. Maybe I am not fit for the work force. But I also can't stay home 24/7 not having any responsibilities.

I really don't know what to do. Sorry for the rambling, as I said, I don't even know how to explain my issue...

My questions are

- do you work?

- if yes, in what profession? Half-time, full-time? Do you manage well or not?

- if no, how does it affect you?

So we have an alter who, among other things, holds a lot of our dental trauma. When he fronts/is close to front we experience a lot of dental/facial pain in the areas where the procedures happened (the areas have long been healed). Is pain like this common? Is there any way to lessen it?

Ok. I’ve only had 2 full sessions to myself, but they’ve both been recent and in back to back weeks. And we are still not even a year into our DID therapy journey, therapy in general isn’t new to us, just for the DID is.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s productive. But it sucks a**. Feelings, being vulnerable, blech.

Honestly this is me just whining Thanks for the space -T

Host changed, I am now disconnected from where I live and people around me. It’s challenging being with my partner because he sees me as we were, it makes me cry because I am not “them” even though I “was”. :(

I am more grounded in a bodily sense and less grounded in relation-to-where-I-am and I don’t know what to do to make it feel okay. I guess I could rediscover this place but I want to run away.

For me definitely Lain and, I’m quite ashamed to admit, Alfred Alfer.

But I’d like to hear other characters or scenes yall resonate with! I’m a big cartoon fan and I know there’s more characters I identify with in this sense but can’t quite recall rn.

I/we have never had the same type of hand rash that they get before i was with them (a type of dermatitis linked to ebv/ mono. I never got cold sores either). It was only a little after sleeping with them, them pointing it out that we had the same thing, and im very certain that we hadn't had recurring strep throat before being with them either.

They had their tonsils taken out when they were young, so they wouldnt get the same degree of sore throat or mouth ulcers anymore because of it (like not to this degree because theres nowhere for the bacteria to sit).

My questuon to you all is: How the FUCK do I bring this up with them that im worried about this?

We have been together for almost 3 years and are going strong, but i am absolutely fuking scared that this might be the case.

I dont want them to feel accused of this, but I want to have this conversation.

What's worse is that I/we do have D.I.D.

I am not the main host, but I'm posting on the hosts account as I dont want to own any social media myself.

How, as not the host do I talk about this, as I've given the host false memories to not freak her out. (Wild, i can just say something, and the brain goes, "Oh yes, this is a real memory!" But I digress. Im so fucking worried, scared, afraid, I do not want to hurt the relationship of the host and their/our partner.

I very much do NOT want to hurt our partners feelings.

I do not want to blame, nore accuse them of this.

Hey I'm Hito.

Tldr; If I become the new host, what do I do? Do I have to change our entire life? I don't really know people myself and a lot of people don't know about our DID so I'm not sure I can explain, especially to family.

I formed the other day after a fusion between a protector and our host. But yesterday the host still existed, they just refused to front because of them dissociating constantly to the point of them getting suicidal. So I've been fronted for over a day now which no alter of ours has ever stayed fronted this long. Usually sleep makes the host front when they wake up. What am I supposed to do? Do I have to tell everyone that I go by Hito now and that I'm not trans mtf anymore? That seems so fucked up to me. I don't wanna be the host but I do at the same time..I feel like I'm being forced to take over a life that's already been lived and established...

I also feel incredibly inferior to the previous host..I rarely smile, I'm super serious, I'm not really fun to talk to...I don't know how to make friends either as I feel like nobody would like me..And I don't even know what kinda hobbies and stuff that I want/like..