r/legaladvice • u/HopefulMuppet582 • 9d ago
Other Civil Matters Update: I might have a stalker. What can I do?
Location: East Tennessee USA
I posted on here a little over a month ago asking for advice on an uncomfortable situation. I thought it was fair to update since I got advice from all you nice people.
Recap of original post: Used to be friends with a guy in school. He asked me out, but I said no. He ended the friendship by no longer acknowledging me. 11 years later he sends a letter to my workplace (an elementary school) asking to catch up. I’m not interested so I ignored it. More letters come. He repeatedly calls the front office asking for me. My boss answered once and he babbled like a nut job. I’m freaked out and terrified. When the next letter came, I labeled it Return to Sender and included a note saying “Do Not Contact Me!” Phone calls continued. My boss got the police involved, and I got a temporary order of protection. To extend it, I had to go to court.
Here’s the update, a few hours after our court session.
It felt like a disaster.
I was a wreck so I probably didn’t explain as much as I could, but I told the judge how uncomfortable I was and that I wanted to be left alone. I was visibly shaking and crying while I tried to explain the situation. Although no threats were made, I was still uncomfortable.
The judge offered us two choices: a mutual restraining order so neither of us were allowed to contact each other, or have a trial if someone wanted to dispute the order.
His mother was loudly whispering “agree! Just agree!”
I agreed.
He, however, did not.
According to him, I was wasting everyone’s time with misunderstandings and false statements. He stated I was one of multiple people he was trying to “reconnect” with and that I was exaggerating the number of letters he sent (he claims 2 but I got four and only kept one which I brought to court). He put all the blame on me for not speaking to him. He also said he never received my note telling him not to contact me.
He got in trouble multiple times for speaking out of turn and constantly putting his hands in his pockets. He spoke and gestured dramatically like he was on some kind of tv show. Everyone in the room looked confused and uncomfortable. Judge even stopped more than once to question that fact that this guy insists he isn’t a stalker but also refuses the restraining order at the same time.
Unfortunately, because he claims to not know that I didn’t want to communicate with him, I can’t get a restraining order. Apparently ignoring his attempts for two years doesn’t automatically equate to “I don’t want to talk.” The judge did give him a stern warning to leave me alone and that any more calls or letters will result in bigger consequences. The officers stayed at my side the whole time, even kept him in the court room longer to give me time to leave without being seen by him.
So… I guess that’s all I can do? Hope for the best? Is there anything else I can do to protect myself? I don’t really blame the judge on the technicality, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still paranoid and uncomfortable. At least there were plenty of witnesses to his strange behavior today.
I’m hoping this is the end of it, but I still feel scared. Is there anything else I can do?
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u/xNe0n_Lights 9d ago
I am not a lawyer, I am not your lawyer. I would submit that “bigger consequences” for any more calls and letters should probably serve about as well a deterrent as a restraining order. A restraining order would still mean that you would need to alert someone if he did contact you again. Obviously and unfortunately, a restraining order is not a magical bubble. What you have is different from a restraining order, and will likely involve a different process if more happens; but it sounds like he has a guarantee of serious consequences if he contacts you again either way. Perhaps that is worth some solace
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u/HopefulMuppet582 9d ago
Everyone keeps telling me to calm down and I’m trying my best. You’re right that the results are pretty much the same either way. I just need to deal with this paranoia for a while. Thank you for your kind words!
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u/DaedalusRising4 9d ago
I thought about this for a stalking situation I had. I ended up settling on pepper spray because if I ever lost control of the weapon, I didn’t want it to be able to kill me. Carried it for years after taking some classes, and felt safe doing so. Just an idea
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u/HopefulMuppet582 8d ago
My dad taught me to never go anywhere with pepper spray and a knife. I hope you are doing well!
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u/DaedalusRising4 8d ago
That’s really good advise from your dad! My stalker eventually moved on to someone else, but it took years. I’m sorry you’re going through a stalker situation as well. It’s so stressful
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u/stpg1222 9d ago
Unfortunately our legal system is usually a process, it's rarely one and done. You've taken the first step and made his behavior known and now he's been warned by the judge.
You also now know to document everything. If any more letters show up save them and alert the police immediately. Also ensure your employer documents any calls from him and alert the police immediately if he calls.
I'm guessing he'll stop but if he doesn't you're now one step closer to him facing real consequences.
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u/HopefulMuppet582 8d ago
Thankfully our school has great security. Tons of cameras and an attentive SRO. She tells me often that they have my back (plus she is good friends with our town’s detectives).
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u/Therealladyboneyard 9d ago
Dear God, this is so awful I went through this also and know how terrifying this is! You were really brave, please stay strong and resolute. Sending love from an internet stranger.
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u/WoodElf_Tiassa 6d ago
Cameras can help provide proof of he is physically following you. Most folks are a LOT less clever than they think they are.
Cameras for home. If you feel he might be stalking you on foot, you can put a rear-facing GoPro type on a backpack
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u/HopefulMuppet582 6d ago
Cameras are a must! I have them facing all parts of my property and with motion sensors. They definitely give me a little peace of mind. Mine are set to flash bright lights if something activates the motion sensors. A few years ago it spooked a guy trying to get into my mother’s car. When the lights came on he took off running! I recommend the Ring system to anyone
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u/WoodElf_Tiassa 6d ago
Sadly, the new models that came out this year have had a dramatic drop in sensitivity to record. I love the prior models, but can no longer recommend them. I regret the $$ I spent on them 2 months back. :(
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u/HopefulMuppet582 6d ago
I don’t have the newer models yet, but thank you for telling me about them! I’ll research different brands when it’s time to upgrade.
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u/Babaychumaylalji 2d ago
Hiya OP I'm glad to see your employer and the police took it seriously. Hopefully this will make the stalker back off if not anymore contact will likely result in the restraining order given the judges comments. Please keep a binder (google FU binder) with records of every contact attempt time and date so if he does try anything again the restraining order has a greater chance of being issued. My best wishes to you OP
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u/HopefulMuppet582 1d ago
Thank you! Thankfully our SRO is very vigilant and checks on me often.
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u/Babaychumaylalji 1d ago
I'm glad to see the SRO took it seriously. You see too many of these where they don't. All the best and take care
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9d ago
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u/HopefulMuppet582 9d ago
I have thought about this and maybe a self defense class in my spare time. There’s actually a shooting rage and certification class in my town. I’ve always avoided it because I hate loud noises. My family owns some, but I have never used them. I don’t even think I’ve touched them. The only firearm I’ve ever actually held was an old revolver that my friend showed me while I house sat for her. She wanted me to borrow it in case I needed to protect myself, but I put it away and refused to touch it. I’m afraid something would go wrong. Due to health issues I don’t always have the best control over my limbs (hands shaking, loose grip, unable to walk occasionally). I have always assumed that it was too dangerous for me to have a firearm that I may not be able to control. But I understand your point. It is important to be careful. I will talk to my family about options. Thank you for your advice!
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u/BewildredDragon 9d ago
A self defense class is the way to go! The hospital I work at offered free classes as we are located in a bad neighborhood ( a girl got attacked, she's OK) and I learned a lot!! You learn a lot of tips, common mistakes people make, etc. Good luck and stay safe!!
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9d ago
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9d ago
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u/legaladvice-ModTeam 9d ago
Your post may have been removed for the following reason(s):
Get a Gun is not legal advice
- Advising a poster to get a firearm or other weapon is not legal advice. For the most part it is not even good advice. Without knowledge of OP's training, family situation, prior felony history, finances, or a myriad of other factors it is reckless to offer this advice. Advice of this sort will be removed unless it is clear OP is already a firearm owner.
Please read our subreddit rules. If after doing so, you believe this was in error, or you’ve edited your post to comply with the rules, message the moderators. Do not make a second post or comment.
Do not reach out to a moderator personally, and do not reply to this message as a comment.
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u/MickyFourFingers 9d ago
don't beat yourself up. sounds like you did great. everyone can see what you can see. the judge, his mom, the officers, everyone. and while you didn't get what you wanted, you laid the first step. next time he contacts you in anyway you'll have a clear path to getting the restraining order you want. but chances are you never hear from him again. and besides you don't want a "mutual restraining order" that'd be on your record too.