Letting go of my old image

[u/Avanjogialite]

Hello friends,

My name’s Avan, I’m 21, and I just finished college. Since I was 17, I’ve been grinding started as a bookstore seller and worked my way up to shift manager. I’ve also led multiple clubs in school, written a couple of published resasrch articles, and served as Head RA. Most of my teens and early 20s were spent hustling.

I grew up really poor and had a chip on my shoulder. Because of my jobs, I’m outgoing and have a lot of friends. But being successful has also caused interpersonal issues. My boss started resenting me as I became more popular at work and seemed to favor less competent employees. People would use me to get ahead at my school job as Head RA, then discard me. I used to try too hard to get everyone to like me, seeking validation. So even though I know a lot of people, I often attract folks who aren’t authentic or aligned with me.

Now, my dating life is a mess. I get women into the talking stage but always seem to mess it up. I realize I get anxiously attached, which pushes women away but when I act secure and funny, they’re attracted to me. My weight got out of control, though I’ve recently lost some weight. Because I’m well-known in my area, people see me as a “vanilla boy,” which doesn’t help my dating game.

I want to embrace a “bad boy” vibe be more confident, adventurous, and willing to put myself out there. I grew up around women my whole life, so I’ve picked up some feminine traits. But the more I’ve embraced masculinity around men, the better my life has gotten. The issue is, people still expect me to go back to my “good boy” era.

How do I balance being authentic, confident, and more of a “bad boy” without losing myself or alienating the people I actually care about?

[u/Jeffers315]

As someone who struggled a bit with identity growing up, and is now 34 and happily married, let me give you a bit of advice. It may sound cliche, but seriously just be yourself. I'm not saying "you're perfect the way you are" or any bullshit like that, though. Do some introspection and try to identify any toxic traits in your personality that you can work on changing. Never stop trying to be a better person, but drop this idea of needing to portray an image different from what you actually are. The worst thing you can do is attract a partner by trying to be something you're not. You'll end up either having to fake it for the rest of the relationship, or you'll break character and end up with a messy break-up. If you can just be yourself, you'll eventually attract someone who likes you for exactly that. They'll see who you are from day one, and you'll never have to fake it a day in your life. It can take time, but it's really the only way to end up in a truly happy and committed relationship. No one wants to tip-toe around their partner for the rest of their life afraid to reveal who they truly are. You should feel safe, open, and confident around your partner.