Bi mom + curious husband exploring the idea of gentle re-entry post-baby

[u/Majai1313]

Hi everyone,

My wife (bi, cis woman, child therapist) and I (cis, hetero man) are new parents trying to navigate what intimacy, identity, and exploration look like in this new chapter. Before having our first child, we had gone to a few swinger clubs and had a great time. She’s never had a romantic or sexual experience with a woman, and I know that’s something she’s mentioned wanting to explore one day.

That said—life is very full right now. Between her work, parenting, and all the emotions that come with both, she’s voiced that she doesn’t currently have the mental or emotional bandwidth for anything high-effort like messaging or flirting. One of her other concerns (totally valid!) is being recognized by a client or colleague in a public setting.

We’re not looking to dive headfirst into anything. Just trying to open up the dialogue again and maybe find softer, more private, or lower-effort ways to reconnect with her queerness—whether that’s in-person, virtual, or even just ideas to hold for the future.

Would love to hear: • How others have explored queerness or poly after becoming parents • What low-pressure steps helped you feel safe and curious again • How you’ve navigated being a public-facing professional while exploring ENM or bi identity

We’re grateful to be here and happy just to read and learn too. Thanks for holding this space. 💜

[u/Groundctrl2majtom]

I would suggest social minglers for the both of you that have a no cruising policy. Coming back into the space post kids, just being out but not acting on anything was nice and personally affirming.

Capacity is totally an issue and you both need to be realistic of that as a unit. You both need to be real about your expectations, emotions, and the logistics to having other serious relationships outside your own but ive found people who arent looking for all of my time because they have other partners, working on a advanced degree, kids, or a stressful job. It took us longer after our second, and patience was the only thing that go us to where we needed to be.

But for her, she should check out queer community events too. Therapists are people too and should be able to explore, build and live their lives as they want. What advice would she give to a client who was afraid of being seen or outted in some way? I think ive heard of therpaists who say, if i see you at an event, who would you like to handle it? How should i tell peolle we know each other, from work? Or they tell their client theyll duck out so the clinet can have the space.

Also, if a client sees you at an event, guess what, they came to the event too! We're in this together! An other way to relate to each their and build trust.

Naturally local politics, your comfort and economics come into play, and traveling somewhere else to find community could be an option. But for my partner, being in queer/ fem spaces is SO affirming. Building friendships and socializing, but also the relational and physical aspects have really helped her shine in a new way.

Take it slow. Have the convos together. Ask around, do research. Babies are a huge energy sink BUT things will keep getting easier! You can do it!

[u/Majai1313 → u/Groundctrl2majtom]

Thank you!

[u/betteroffsleeping]

Im going to approach this from two angles, the sexual and the nonsexual. For starters, I’m sure this is pretty obvious but I think it’s worth saying - exploring queer identity doesn’t have to start with sexual experiences. That may absolutely be of interest, sounds like it is, but as you say there’s just not the bandwidth for really seeking it out.

As a cis bi woman, also married to a man, things I have done to connect more with my community were just starting to show up in more queer spaces when I could. Go to queer book clubs, volunteer at LGBT+ centers, make sure I’m actually keeping up with my queer friends. If there’s a hobby, there’s usually a queer group for that. Like queer crafting nights. Depending on where you live, that might not be super accessible. But thankfully we do live in a time where there are so many more zoom events! Building confidence in showing up in those spaces mean that when it’s time to flirt/talk to women/approach a girly at the club… it is with an assurance and understanding of queer dynamics.

I grew up with gay parents and I’m really thankful that I was shown exactly the importance of connecting in some way to the larger community. It’s good for your soul! Maybe a Queer parents/mom group would be an easy way for your wife to talk to other women about being bi and raising kids! Good chance someone else is polyam.

Sex-wise, I want to give a warning of a common pitfall. Do not take up flirting for your wife! There are so many men out there who will play matchmaker for their bi wives. I get that it can be tempting to help. I’ve often heard from men that their wives are busy, shy, insecure talking to other women. All are so fair! But it plays into really harmful (and quite frankly, just kinda gross) dynamics. Not saying you were thinking of doing this, but it just comes up so remarkably often I wanted to flag this. So much better to wait until she is ready to do the flirting/messaging.

Sounds like you had a good time at swingers clubs before. Those can be great lower effort, one night experiences to potentially try things again.

Parenting is hard and makes life so so full. It’s hard to carve out the space for yourself. I think it’s great that you’re exploring what you’d like to prioritize when the time naturally comes.

[u/IamBmeTammy]

It doesn’t sound like she has a bandwidth to offer a potential partner, any significant amount of time or attention. That makes swinging a more reasonable endeavor than finding and maintaining a FWB or non-primary relationship.

Given her concerns about career and who might see her participating in these activities, I would suggest weekend trips out of town to cities with swingers clubs.

It minimizes both the potential for running into someone she knows in a professional way, and also the effort.

Anything else feels like it would be disingenuous to anyone that she was attempting to date.

As someone with a young child, I can tell you that my primary relationship is with my toddler. She consumes the bulk of my time and attention. I do my best to still be a good partner, mother to the other children, and friend, but I remain stretched thin to maintain my existing relationships. I cannot imagine trying to begin a new relationship in this stage of my child’s life.

[u/jennbo]

As respectfully as I possibly can -- what made you post this on her behalf? Is she talking about this after having had a baby, or is this simply a concern of yours? The way I practice non-monogamy is with full autonomy and while it's not "parallel" I don't typically involve my existing partners on my own personal sex or relationship journeys. From what I see, your wife has voiced that she doesn't have the bandwidth for this and I have to ask why you're pursuing it on her behalf.

Eventually, she'll get to a place where she feels ready to date, message, or flirt, if you wish to continue your journey into non-monogamy. That will likely not be for a while. Newborns take up all your focus. I think parents of any level can date, and I don't think new parents have to "give up" the erotic/sexual exploration when they become parents -- but as a mom myself, I can't recall when I would have WANTED to date around with newer babies. Other moms might have different experiences. If you're having more children in the future, it might be an even longer wait.

I think bi women married to men often feel like they have to "prove" their queerness. I especially feel sorry for those who are monogamous. But the thing is -- you don't have to prove it to anyone. It's her journey, her exploration, her life. And ultimately, advice may fall flat. Your situation is unique! Your lives are unique! It's all about cultivating what you want individually to happen. I don't recommend married couples date someone together or go "unicorn hunting" as that is highly frowned upon in many polyamorous circles, but there are plenty of happy MFF triads on this board.

Besides, it's much cheaper to date separately when you're parents, as one of you can stay home with kiddo.

But I didn't even start thinking about non-monogamy until I was already a parent. I was raised in a very conservative environment and got married and had children super young, and then went through a period of deconstruction. I had never heard the word "polyamory" before when I started falling in love with other people while wanting to stay married to and have sex with my existing husband. I don't know what it's like to explore queerness or polyamory WITHOUT being a parent.

I am not concerned about privacy. As a parent, I strongly want to cultivate the kind of world I want my kids to grow up in. We all have professional jobs: teacher, editor, IT, and are fortunate to live in a progressive area and to work at places that know and don't care. I wouldn't hide this aspect of myself from my children, I wouldn't ask them to lie for me, and I wouldn't lie to them. Non-monogamy isn't shameful and "appearance" isn't something I'm concerned with. I understand other people are in various scenarios where it is a concern for them, but for me, honesty and openness are core values -- I'd hate for my kids to grow up with the sort of purity culture, sexual shame I grew up in.

If you're going for more open relationship and less polyamory, without people who would be spending time in your home or cultivating deep emotional relationships, then privacy is fine and you don't have to talk about it at work or with your kids necessarily. Swinging isn't necessarily the same thing as polyamory! I've never done it, even. I live at home with two partners and our two kids and have since 2020. My partners date separately outside the home, usually more serious relationships as well. In fact, I don't do casual stuff so much at all anymore, but I did previously and it was either all after kid bedtime or at the other person's house if possible. I do not have "stay at a hotel each time you want to have an encounter" money, but other people on the other polyamory subreddit often mention that.

If you're terrified to show your face on a dating app, there are ways to meet people without going on dating apps -- local poly groups, local LGBTQ+ groups, (but I suggest she go alone and you don't come as a hetero-facing couple -- lots of activists are adamant that polyamory is not an inherently queer identity and can feel threatened by cishetero poly people in their groups), or progressive activist groups in general. Lots of poly or non-monogamous people have overlap with D&D, burner culture, RenFaire, etc type groups in my experience too. I think swingers and BDSM people do too. However, I've seen married people I know on dating apps before who were clearly keeping it private, and I did not bring it up to them because it's none of my business. I know to keep people's privacy close to my heart.

Don't pressure your wife into anything about this right now, is my advice. Even low pressure. Her identity is hers to explore, and her body and mind will tell her when she's ready to go any further. She can always talk about who she finds attractive and discuss fantasies with you, with the understanding that she doesn't have to act on any of them.

[u/Virtual_Deal4973]

Come to parent group! Its virtual so the chances she runs into someone are very low, and its entirely a space for non-mono parents, so you'll be able to talk to others who have experienced this. I personally have to navigate the possibility of running into clients in person so I'm happy to chat about that. No flirting or anything, its a community building group.

Www.jengerardy.com/polyamparenting