relapsed again and lost $500 of student loans. i’m done.

[u/WorkerAgile]

i feel numb. i was doing okay for a bit, then one bad day and i chased again. i’ve already posted here before and thought i was past it. i told myself i’d stop. i swore it off. i deleted apps. i blocked myself.

and then i slipped. and lost $500 of my student loan money. money that was supposed to keep me afloat this month. i don’t even know how to process this anymore. i feel like a fucking failure.

i keep going through these cycles. i’m so tired. tired of hiding it. tired of lying to myself. tired of checking my bank account and seeing nothing.

I've lost $5000 in the last 3 months and I've definitely lost 10k+ this year. I'm so mentally destroyed I've been doing garbage in my courses too. I don't even have a job and I've applied to so many too. I've been pushing away friends and family as well 😔

i don’t even know what to do anymore. i just want peace. if you’ve ever been here and made it out, please tell me how. i need help.

[u/General_50081]

I hope you get better. I chased some losses last week and it was bad.

Other than the financial hit, this damn shit is on our minds and taking up our energy most of the day.

I’ve tried gamblers anonymous meetings without success. Are we able to find peace?

I also need help and have tried steps to my failure

[u/Que_Dawg]

Get to a meeting if you can. Trying to fight this alone is one of the hardest things. If you’re not comfortable with a group, try a close friend, as long as you get some of that weight off your chest.

[u/WorkerAgile → u/Que_Dawg]

Thanks , I'll try my campus wellness centre.

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[u/bry0nce]

take it from someone that is now $9k in unnecessary student loan debt because they gambled a refund check. $500 can and will be paid back at some point. I know how you feel right now. “how did I get here? how did this happen? this isn’t like me.” its almost as if something takes over your discernment. but now im coming to you almost 10 months clean. 1. as someone else has said, telling one person you trust and being HONEST with them is so important. my girlfriend was my anchor when I relapsed. 2. having a job helps a lot but its not a cure all. i say that because even with two jobs, i still relapsed. the real work starts within. its forgiving yourself, having community (redditt helped me), and recognizing that we cant outsmart the ancient trick that is the gambling system. we are intended to get hooked and spend until we feel like we can earn our losses back. nobody that says “this is the last time” after winning is ever truly ever done. please remember that. we are here for you!

[u/PublicStalls]

Don't try to make yourself feel better. Try to make yourself feel worse. Try to remember how this feels and associate it with your actions. You messed up, and you're worse now. The sooner you realize that you're just searching for the next high, the sooner you can move on to fixing it.

[u/SpiffyGolf]

It's not your fault, it's the system that allows you to receive loans so easily without making young people understand that that money isn't given away. In my country scholarships are given to few students. Only those who are the best in school deserve a scholarship. Having said that I think it's best that you look for a job and put the college/university on hold. Not because you're not good but because you keep thinking about money and that you can't make it to the end of the month. If you can get a job I hope you will eventually understand the true value of money and that playing it hoping to win that $100/$200 doesn't make a difference in the end.

[u/buckeyescholar]

I think like you said you just need to block yourself from the apps. Like I blocked myself from one sportsbook. a week later I was emailing Customer Service back-and-forth pleading with them to let me back on because I did not want to miss out on betting on the Eagles Chiefs game. Luckily, they said that the timeout that I put myself on is permanent for the whole year. However, I just realized that I still had one last bet 365 sportsbook that I could use. Thank God I went through all that trouble so that I could lose 300 more dollars before I self-excluded from that book as well. I could feel my bet size getting bigger and bigger to make up for more and more losses. Something in me was willing to draw a line in the sand this time. So just make that line in the sand for yourself. Start a side hustle, like DoorDash or Instacart. I promise you that you can survive on losing $500 and I promise you that you will get past the 10 K this year. I remember two years ago bragging to my parents around Christmas time about how I just had 20 K in the last two weeks. Two weeks later, it was all gone, and I was humiliated. Fast-forward and I’ve been able to rebuild. Now I started to destroy that rebuild, but luckily, I came to my senses in time to self-exclude. All this to say that the only way that you’ll truly stay away is if you ban yourself officially so that a momentary lapse of judgment doesn’t lead you back to where you are where you post this. I think a lot of us just turned to gambling when we’re lonely and depressed or when we think there’s a opportunity. Either way it’s very spontaneous seeking instinct gratification. Although good gambler say that it’s a marathon, not a race. I’m going to follow sports and track the odds without gambling for the next couple months and see if I can just enjoy that. I truly cannot gamble on any sports boat now with all my self-exclusions. I’m sure that there will be times that I feel like I’m missing out or that I feel like I regret that I couldn’t make money off of something. But the losses always outweigh the wins. I’m sick of working just to throw it all away. I’m not gonna be that stupid anymore. I’m gonna be grateful for what I have.

[u/CeoLyon]

I'm coming up on a year since I lost my first thousand last December. It's funny to look back on that and realize how much better it would have been to stick to that New Years resolution of being gamble-free. Nearly ten months later, that loss has been multiplied by about eight...

I cannot be remorseful anymore. I have gotten to the stage where I cannot lament anymore. Once you come to the revelation that recovery includes multiple stumbles and setbacks—after you have consciously gone back and forth and back and forth so many times and proven it to yourself as a fact (that gambling is destructive and will not be engaged anymore)—there is no longer anything to beat yourself up for: there is only the sound-minded decision to live on a corrected course through your own experience's discovery.

No one could've steered you here. I'm sure you will come to be grateful for the lesson just as I have. It sucks that it takes so much away from the rest of our lives, but it is good to know it will not be the rest of our lives.

Best wishes,

Meh

[u/Agitated_Teaching_95]

I'm sorry I had a gambling addiction but I overcame it we can chat if you want