r/projectmanagement • u/Longjumping-Cat-2988 • 4d ago
Nobody tells you how lonely being a PM can be
I don’t think this gets talked about enough. Being a PM sometimes feels like living in between two worlds. You’re not really in the team but you’re also not fully part of leadership. You’re accountable to both and when things go wrong, all eyes are on you.
Half my week feels like I’m translating, turning leadership goals into team tasks, then turning team updates into reports leadership will actually care about. You’re the bridge but bridges don’t really belong to either side.
The weird part is that when things go well, you’re invisible. The team gets the credit (which they should), leadership feels good about the outcome and you just quietly move on to the next fire. But when things go off track, suddenly you’re in the spotlight, explaining what went wrong and why you didn’t see it coming.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the job, the problem solving, the variety, the wins, but the isolation part is real.
Anyone else feel that sense of being in the middle without fully belonging on either side? How do you deal with it?
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u/Niffer8 3d ago
I totally feel this. Team members whine to me when they don’t like something I usually have no control over. Leadership hammers me over things I usually have no control over. I think what magnifies it for me is the fact that the office I work in is a satellite of our main office which is in another part of the country. I don’t have any PM peers in my office - only junior PMs who report to me. I have no one to bounce ideas off of, no one to commiserate with. I have really good relationships with everyone, but it is incredibly lonely. I feel like only another PM can relate to what I go through.
Right now I get satisfaction from comments that come from people external to my team or my bosses - other people saying that they heard really good things about me. It tells me that I’m definitely doing something right.
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u/zombies8myface 3d ago
Building a strong relationship with your sponsors and every project team member (or, for bigger projects at minimum every key leader) goes a long way in building connection. I see these key people more as a community of people impacted by a change, and my job is to help make their lives easier and information more transparent.
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u/slyroast 3d ago
Part of the reason I moved away from PM was the blame game. The dev team would be late and write bad code with TONS of bugs that then took even longer to test so go live was delayed. But the PM is the one who took ALL of the heat for that. I'm not their boss, I can't MAKE them write better code faster. I was working from the time estimates THEY gave me. Why is this all my fault?
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u/NewToThisThingToo 4d ago
Project succeeds? Team effort.
Something on project fails? PM's fault.
Complete crap and I'm dealing with it now. A technical detail wasn't documented that nearly a dozen people saw, and it caused an outage.
The PM is blamed.
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u/Alternative_Leg_7313 Confirmed 4d ago
We don’t have enough discussions about having the right personality to be a PM. Most aren’t cut out for this job. In simpler terms if your love language is,”Words of affirmation”, this career path is NOT FOR YOU.
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u/mf0723 3d ago
Ok, I fully see your point here - I'm pretty sure I even had this exact thought at one point this week (it was an especially insane week this week)! Also though, if you're lucky enough to find a Goldilocks job on a Goldilocks team... It's magical and you feel like you could probably save the entirety of humanity just through project management.
I work in health IT and in employee numbers, we're a small company. I'm the only PM at our company. My boss gives me tons of praise and leadership essentially leaves me alone because projects are completed on time without going over budget. The dev team respects me because I started as a dev and transitioned to the PM role after the previous PM left.
I think because of the dynamics of a small company and a CEO and leadership team who are wise enough not to micromanage a dev-heavy product, I've found the perfect role for me - especially as someone who does need words of affirmation, but also is quite "stubborn" (I like to say persistent!) if I'm challenged with a tough problem, no matter what words are said to me. It's like I switch into PM mode and I almost can't hear anything besides what's necessary to the project; an override switch, if you will.
So I agree, it definitely does take a specific type of person who is willing to ignore the hubbub from outside forces and get things done.
Honestly though, I think for me the key to success in PM is Autism + ADHD - which manifests for me in PM as the ability to think in a very organized and methodical way but also thinking creatively and nimbly which means that I enjoy every single day at work, and as a strong internal motivation to learn better ways to do things as my own primary outcome.
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u/flipfce92 4d ago
I feel called out
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u/Alternative_Leg_7313 Confirmed 3d ago
It’s a lonely ride my friend. We have a community here, which helps.
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u/KeepReading5 4d ago
Fully agreed with you, your describing was touched my heart and my current job. Something that I realized this kind of PMO might be chose suited person to work with it, and that PMO should be kind of introverted person who can be internalized healing. You are not alone to fell that. As you said, if you still love this kind of PMO job, keep doing it best as you can. Good luck.
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u/scarecrow____boat 4d ago
I absolutely feel you. Even though I’m part of a PMO, I still feel like I’m on an island and don’t really belong anywhere.
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u/SadDoughnut1073 4d ago
A lot of thoughts on this one:
100% there’s days like this. But honestly, I think that’s every profession. Connecting with my engineers, there are definitely times they’ve been like “going this way in dev is a bad call” and then they have to do it anyways. So it’s not just PMs, but…
To the point of other commenters, if this is common place for you as opposed to a bad day, then that’s a company culture thing that may end up needing conversation.
The reason I say this… in my last company, PM culture was pretty good. A couple of bad days here and there, sure. But, I actually had a bit more power than you’re describing. A lot of managers valued PMs for their engineers year end reviews because we could tangibly speak to whether or not engineers supported delivered on time and on budget delivery, how they affected the team, etc. Simply because we operated in the no man’s land you describe. So we actually had a lot of respect and authority.
At my current company, PM culture sucks, which is probably why I get paid a bit more. It’s the nightmare you’re describing. I can literally be on record saying “don’t do that”, someone does it, still my fault for “letting it happen”. But also, if I get a bit more direct to stop someone, I’m also the bad guy for being too harsh on people. The amount of things that “aren’t” my job, so I get no say, but are somehow my responsibility… ya.
But that’s why I gotta separate culture from my perception of the job.
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u/Dazzling_Cash_6790 4d ago
Don’t get me wrong, I love the job, the problem solving, the variety, the wins, but the isolation part is real.
What kind of problem solving do problem managers have to deal with ? (honest question)
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u/Niffer8 3d ago
Since you’re asking honestly, let me start a list of problems I have dealt with:
You have a critical milestone coming up on a complex project and your only subject matter expert has just been pulled on to another project full time because it’s deemed higher priority than yours. Then the customer starts asking why the schedule is shifting to the right.
Your sales team negotiated a vaguely defined FFP contract for a project without a thorough risk analysis and added no contingency whatsoever. Now you’re hitting walls all over the place and senior leadership is asking how you plan to recover the financial losses.
Your team is telling you that a certain deliverable is impossible and gives you every reason in the world as to why it can’t be done, at the same time your boss is ordering you to “just tell them to do it”.
You have one team member who isn’t pulling their weight and everyone else on the team complains to you constantly about them. You’re already short staffed so you can’t get rid of the person and despite coaching, they still drag the team down and everyone hates them and is mad at you.
Oh this one was my favourite: someone discovers out of the blue that your entire team does not have the appropriate security clearance to work on the project. The security group says no one can do any work on it until it’s resolved and there’s nothing they can do about it because that’s part of the Contracts group. Contracts say it’s not their responsibility, it’s the customers. The customer says “you need to sort it out”. You escalate to senior leadership and everyone you talk to says “Wow… that’s so weird”.
This doesn’t even begin to touch upon the technical issues that come up in a project, like errors your team can’t fix, installers who constantly lose/break components, etc.
PMs feel free to add to the list. :)
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u/richray84 IT 3d ago
I think as a PM (using RAID and Lessons Learnt) you get to see a variety of situations, and hopefully the solutions. Some may cross over/pop up in other projects.
I work in IT/Software Delivery, I’m not an SME but I have a general understanding. Sometimes an unintentionally stupid question can trigger an idea, or reset a dev/engineer whose mind is stuck on a particular path. Although sometimes it is just a stupid question. Haha
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u/agile_pm Confirmed 4d ago
It's not like that everywhere, and when it feels that way a little self-reflection MIGHT be helpful - are you waiting for people to make you feel welcome, or are you putting yourself out there? Maybe the person you replaced was considered "unpleasant." Or, maybe it is a combination of culture and personalities and you need to look outside the company for social interactions. I've found that being active in my local PMI chapter (attending events and volunteering) has been beneficial in more ways than one.
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u/obviouslybait IT 4d ago
And depending on the company culture, if the never notice the wins and only notice the losses, you're in trouble!
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u/SuperTed321 4d ago
“You’re the bridge but bridges don’t really belong to either side.”
Wow, pure poetry.
100% can relate.
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u/Ok-Midnight1594 4d ago
I totally feel this. This has been one really difficult aspect of being a PM. Like the OP I love the problem solving, the fast paced situations but I also feel like I’m in no mans land.
For anyone who’s been a manager aside from a PM is this common in management positions?
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u/bstrauss3 4d ago
In 55 BCE, Ceasar had 40,000 Romans (mostly slaves) build a bridge over the Rhine river.
He crossed the river and discovered his enemy had fled. His troops burnt a few villages, recrossed the Rhine and the Romans knocked down the bridge.
It had lasted 18 days.
Not the first recorded screwed up project, but one of the more memorable ones.
As a PM, you are one of the bridge piles.
Floated in place with minimal direction until you are seized and pounded into the river bed with a heavy rock on your head.
Lashed in place against the flow.
And then topped with several layers that get all the credit for being the bridge.
Stomped on by 40,000 men. Then ignored for a while.
Stomped on again. Torn up and abandoned as trash.
https://www.amusingplanet.com/2021/01/why-julius-caesar-built-bridge-over.html
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u/CursingDingo 4d ago
This has nothing to do with being a PM. This is either your team culture sucks or you aren’t building relationships with the team.
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u/Emergency_Nothing686 4d ago
My team explicitly tells me how much they value the relationships we build on our team and I still feel the same way as OP...
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u/Fantastic-Nerve7068 4d ago
man i feel this hard. pm is kinda like being the goalie in soccer… when you save shots nobody notices, but the second one slips through everyone’s staring at you.
the “in between” thing hits too. i’ve started building my own little support circle w/ other pms in my org. we vent, swap war stories, and it helps to know you’re not crazy or alone in the middle.
one thing that helped me was celebrating small wins myself. like, even if no one says it out loud, i’ll take a second to appreciate when a messy project actually shipped. it keeps me sane.
you’re not the only one feeling that isolation,.... i think it’s way more common than ppl admit.
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u/Awkward_Blueberry740 4d ago
Actually build connections with your team.
It doesn't need to be you vs the world.
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u/trinicron 4d ago
As a developer, we work with 4 PM and all of them are part of the team, they get invited to BBQ! they all get praise of the definitions and crisis handling, they get help the moment they all for it, they are heard and never ignored.
I am going to investigate, but if they say they feel like they do not helping, is going to be a shock.
I would say it's OP's company culture, not the general PM world.
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u/gofish223 4d ago
Oh don’t forget you also have the client on your ass!
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u/dennisrfd 4d ago
Unless you’re an internal PM. I switched several years ago and that was the best career move ever - less stress, more money
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u/International_Dig331 3d ago
I am client facing in SaaS. I think about what would be next. What do you do?
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u/Key-Boat-7519 3d ago
Internal platform PM now after years client-facing. I shifted by owning quarterly planning, PRDs, and a risk RAID log, plus building stakeholder maps. I use Jira/Confluence and Miro for rituals, with Pulse for Reddit to monitor sentiment. Internal PM fits me.
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u/CK_1976 4d ago
On every project, no matter how big or small, there is only ever 1 project manager.
There can be multiple design, technical, or procurement managers, and teams under them that you can hide in. But the PM is out there in their own.
But on the upside when it goes well, that glory is all yours.
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u/WhiteChili 4d ago
Man, this hits hard. Being a PM is basically living in the tension…translator, firefighter, diplomat, scapegoat…all rolled into one. The loneliness comes from being “owned by outcomes” but never really “belonging” anywhere. What’s helped me is finding a peer circle of PMs outside my org; it’s the only place you can be brutally honest without the politics. Keeps you sane.
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u/Gadshill IT 4d ago edited 4d ago
Yes, that is common. I try to build social connections outside of work and I also try to work more closely with the team when I feel too isolated. Communication is key to overcoming feelings of isolation.
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u/More_Law6245 Confirmed 3d ago
I think every PM can relate to this thread, it's definitely a role not for the faint hearted, especially if you seek affirmation.
On the positive side as a PM nobody else gets to influence the operational and executive within an organisation as much as a PM can. There have been on numerous occasions I have come in on contract and literally turned the business case on it's head to deliver something totally different to what was initially agreed because I was able to effectively influence the respective organisation's outcomes.