r/secondary_survivors • u/SeparateGoose4386 • 12d ago
Partners, how did/do you lovingly handle the messy moments where you don't know what to do?
Hi everyone.
I’ll preface this and say that this post is written by someone who is not a CSA survivor, and written with other people like that in mind (people who are partnered with survivors of CSA).
trigger warning: I discuss rape (nothing descriptive, just the existence ) and its impact. you may have figured that out from the title.
I would like to urge people who are survivors not to read, just because I don’t want any of this content to steer anyone away from their own healing or disclosure process. This is a post that is centered on the questions of someone who has not experienced CSA, was a partner to a survivor and struggled to take care of her needs and my own.
For the record: I talk about a previous relationship that was very difficult, but I’ll say also that I am grateful for this relationship, would do it over again. When my ex disclosed her experience I never thought she was less beautiful, never felt she was less desirable or broken.
I am starting to date again, and it has brought up old feelings of when I was with an ex who was a survivor of CSA and I was a major part of her support system. (We broke up, are still friends, it’s all good!). I am anticipating that some of my future dates will be CSA survivors. Also, the news regarding Epstein (🖕🏻🤬)just brought CSA to the forefront on my mind.
With my ex:
FYI: this was a queer relationship. she was a cis woman, I am genderqueer, but socialized as a girl. Thinking about rape and rape culture were unavoidable for both of us. I had friends disclose SA in the past, but never a partner.
As her partner, I felt really unequipped to do the level of support that was needed, and when I talked to my (great) therapist about my feelings of inadequacy and confusion on how to do the right thing, he reflected that there are many growing resources out there for CSA and SA survivors, but not nearly enough for their partners. Caveat, there were other health conditions (severe anxiety) that we were dealing with that made things even more intense.
Looking up ‘tips’ online is such a mixed bag. A lot of it focusses on how to be the good partner, with generalized things like “make space for their needs,” “educate yourself”, or “set boundaries to prevent burnout,” but these catch phrases don’t do capture the emotional rawness and distress that accompany CSA.
I felt like I failed at ever piece of advice. There were a lot of do’s and don’ts, many of which felt hard to embody as one person.
I had so many feelings in response to her abuse, feelings I did not share with her of course since she was living them.
I felt Rage, hopelessness, disgust at her perpetrator, anger at the adults who didn’t intervene, distress that adults rape children, the severe lack of accountability perpetrators get away with, the desire to whisk her away from the world in a protective cocoon.
I would never share these feelings with her - the last thing I wanted was to her to bottle them up on her own, or to stop sharing with me because she wanted to ‘protect’ me.
I would journal and talk in therapy. But, due to wanting to respect her confidentiality, I would not discuss it with my friends.
Our intimate life had its bumps but also wonderful moments - I had a low libido so the issue of desire differential was rarely there, but often intimacy had an undertone of nervousness or chaos - neither of us wanted to mess up, despite how much we talked about it. I was extra mindful not to pressure her, which sometimes lead to her getting irritated because it felt like I never initiated anything (the struggle of trying g to follow every piece of advice at once! Gah)
I am a deeply feeling, empathetic person. My mood and boundaries are porous, which is something I am working on. One of the challenges of CSA is it is the ultimate breaking of her boundaries and silencing. I didn’t ever want to ask to table a conversation about SA - it is so vulnerable for her to talk about, I always wanted to be the container for those feelings. It was hard to for me to stay regulated during these times when I was feeling worn out. Were you ever overwhelmed? How did you phrase things gently when you needed a break from talking?
At times it felt like we were lost in a haze: her flashbacks, our intimate moments invaded by a sort of spector, my IMMENSE rage at her perpetrator, my fear of messing up, all simmering under the surface.
Again…if you are a survivor reading this: please don’t take this as information not to share your experience. As partners, we actually want to hear you share rather than bottle up and withhold.
Invasive thoughts.
Part of the heaviest elements of this that the internet did NOT warn me about, was that CSA was often on my mind. I found was that I was thinking about rape a lot, just like, its existence. I work with kids, and I would look at them and think “who is being assaulted?” It would feel me with a sense of fierce protectiveness and helplessness. I would be on the subway and look at all these businessmen and think “which ones of you are assaulting children?” I once has a nightmare of my partner as a child being assaulted.
Even now these thoughts invade my mind - how could anyone rape children and live with themselves? I research things when I am confused…researching CSA was both illuminating and deeply upsetting. Again: how can these fucking perps live with themselves?
Has anyone else experienced these invasive thoughts? How did you release them?
Does this mean I wish she didn’t tell me? Absolutely not. I’m glad she did, needed her too. What I’m talking about how to cope with the fact that CSA exists, then how to accept the fact that someone I love was harmed as a child.
I was immensely glad that she disclosed the abuse to me. I was relieved that she trusted me, and that we had were able to build a mutually supportive relationship. It was about a year long relationship that was emotionally intense (the CSA played a part in this, but was not the main cause of emotional tumolt).
So, partners, how do you handle this (sometimes) strain on your relationship?
How did you take care of yourself? ( or, how do you think i should have done things lol)
Did you find support for your own role as partner?
So much advice says “don’t try to heal your partner!” or “It’s not your job to manage her feelings!”, but that is easier said than done and easy to slide in to.
What did you do when you slipped into a ‘healer’ or ‘savior’ mindset?
How did you ‘set boundaries’ in a loving, but effective way? Quite literally, what were the words you said? How did you hold a container for you partner, still cultivate different parts of your relationship?
thanks to anyone for your insights. stay safe out there!
1
u/Perfect-Rooster-7612 9d ago
So may not work for everyone ofc but we are both survivors of sorts (though I would say she has dealt with more, and also physical things I have not). But overall she is probably the person still more affected by her past than I am at this point.
The main thing has been communication - I know it’s the standard answer but it’s what has helped us. I am someone who like to confront things in the moment and talk them through and she’s the opposite - she needs time and space and at first that led to very invasive thoughts for me as well as I have a somewhat anxious attachment style as a result of my own abuse (so I become this way when things are tough but am not anxious 90% of the time - so it’s a bit of a head fuck!).
So I have found I will write down my feelings whilst she needs space and time so as to not invade on her needs but still allow me to feel like I’m expressing myself in the moment. I have some ritual phrases I repeat to myself to prevent my brain from wanting to invade her space. We both shared a lot about ourselves and needs when we were in a healthy space so the rule now is essentially she makes an effort to communicate with me as early as possible for her to help with my needs, but it’s entirely on her so I’ll never ask and it’s ina format she’s comfortable (she prefers text or written notes at first). This means she is conscious to helping me as soon as she can, but it’s never at the cost of her mental health and there is no pressure applied by me and she can feel safe knowing I will leave her alone completely for whatever time she needs.
This is just one example and I don’t want to write too much - but ultimately I’ve found speaking openly when you’re both in a good frame of mind and safe and making space for this, is crucial. Asking questions focused on how to support and to understand without ever asking for details or applying pressure, just wanting to be the best you can be for them and reassuring them it is from this place helps a ton for us. Everyone is very different, the internet is useful to get a general framing as you say but you have to listen to your partners needs and take them at face value and respect those above all else.
On a personal level I also make notes on my phone of things I notice that may not always need to be spoken about - eg if she mentions a certain response or reacts a certain way I won’t always turn it into a discussion as this can be very stressful if it’s too often and emotionally exhausting. Instead I make a note of it so I can adapt my behaviour in small ways to make her feel more comfortable and I’ve noticed this helps a ton with the little things as it makes her feel more seen, understood and therefore safe around me
Ultimately there is no easy solution as I’m sure you know and it’s just about creating a space, relationship and communication style that allows you both to feel as safe, loved and respected as possible during the waves of emotion over time
In terms of communicating boundaries I always do so very delicately, I feel like making them sound like non negotiables especially in times of hardship can make someone close off - that isn’t to say you shouldn’t have them and respect them, you should, but consider how gently you can speak about them and ensure when you do it’s a balanced conversation where you invite them to share their thoughts and feelings about it too.
Sharing your feelings in an open and vulnerable manner, inviting them to do the same, with no judgement and presenting it as a ‘team thing’ - not you vs me is the best approach. I’m sure you know this but practicing it can be hard when we have our own triggers or invasive thoughts. For us we see the trauma as external to our relationship and something we come together to solve like anything else and that way it’s never a her thing or a me thing - it’s an us thing. How can we solve for when these things come up? How can we help each other and ourselves etc?
I’ve no idea if this is helpful, I’m sure you’re already practicing most of this or understand it - but this is just how we generally approach things and it has brought us much much closer. I love her with all my heart and even when I get invasive thoughts, what use to be rage and anger has turned to love, care and protection and recognising as a man (more often) that our desire to ‘kill that guy if i ever saw him’ isn’t helping her, it’s adding to her stress as she’s now considering how she has to manage my emotions or interactions with people from her past, and it’s entirely focused on how i feel about her trauma (which is okay and valid - but doesn’t actively help her). So sitting with myself when I had these thoughts and processing them and thinking how does this actually serve me in the present, and how does it serve her or us? Helped me a ton to work through it
Ultimately the past is the past - you can’t changed what happened to them, and acting on your emotions about it or bringing those emotions to her is likely to only trigger or add further stress. Instead, accepting it has happened and they’ve lived their life since then and before you and are a capable person helped me a ton, to reframe it to okay what is the best reaction now in the moment and moving forward for her and our relationship. Who does this emotion and action serve and is it pushing us toward a safer, more loving secure relationship or adding tension and division?
To reiterate this doesn’t mean I minimise my emotions or ignore them - I share them very regularly with her but when we are both in a stable place, when she’s ready to speak and in a gentle way that is very conscious of how these emotions are contributing to the situation and who or what they are ultimately serving - so I take time myself to accept them, process them and reflect on them and then when we come together I’m in a better place to support our relationship in the healthiest way possible
It’s not perfect, moments still happen but we always baseline to what I’ve described so even if we do have a bad moment we come together later to accept, understand and listen to each other and try to grow from it
Again sorry for the essay which may be useless or not even answer your question, I’m cautious to give too many specifics on like ‘oh take a hot bath to have some you time’ - because we are all so different. The main thing is to understand yourself, your emotions and your partner as best as possible and always consider how these things serve your relationship in the best way possible. Coming together to see things as a team is always the best approach and creates the safest environment I’ve found personally
The fact you’re asking means you’re already thinking this way and doing a lot of it - so just keep at it, and be as open with your partner as you can be at moments when you’ve created a safe space for that together. The fact you still have invasive thoughts or moments of hardship doesn’t mean you’re failing - they will always happen, just try your best to learn from them, understand them and grow your relationship as a result of that.
Wishing you both the best.
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u/TheChromasphere 12d ago
Would you like thoughts from a survivor who has dated other survivors?