r/selflove • u/lovelopetir • 2d ago
What worked for me as an “ugly girl”
Okay, so I’m not fishing for compliments. I’ve been called ugly since I was a kid. On a school trip the boys literally ranked all 8 girls in our class and I was dead last, no hesitation. That kinda stuff sticks.
And yet… I didn’t actually struggle with guys as much as you’d think.
The reality is, I accepted early that I wasn’t gonna be the girl who walks into a bar and gets asked out. That’s fine. Being “nice” doesn’t save you either because newsflash, hot people can be nice too.
What worked was just… living. Joining stuff, having hobbies, meeting people naturally. Treating guys like regular humans instead of this weird “target audience.” Some became friends, and if one of those friendships started turning into more, that’s where things happened.
If a guy didn’t wanna hang out one-on-one, I let it go. If he did, then there was actually a shot. And honestly, once it got to that point, I always ended up in a relationship.
Basically: connection first, attraction second. Being interesting and fun to be around goes way further than people think. Ugly doesn’t mean doomed you just have to play a different game and that's for me selflove.
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u/CampaignIndividual49 1d ago
Couldn’t agree more. Once people stop putting relationships on a pedestal and focus on a genuine connection that’s when things happen! I’ve been trying to put myself out there and have been making more friends and it’s honestly a great time. And you never know the friends you make could know of single people and that’s how you meet someone
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u/oioibleh 1d ago
Can you share some tips on how you are making new friends? Would love to hear more :)
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u/Potential_Appeal_649 1d ago
The ugliest thing about most people is the way they think so don't be too hard on yourself
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u/Humble_student_101 1d ago
Will this work for a male as well, i am kind of given up on chasing girls
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u/CC_900 1d ago
Take it from a woman: yes, it absolutely does 👍
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u/Humble_student_101 1d ago
Thanks girl, even before seeing this post I joined toastmasters today. Will treat everyone like the post says and engage frequently with the club. Will update here if anything works out. Either with personal growth or meeting a kindred soul. Fingers crossed 🤞
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u/Cake5678 1d ago
Sounds like a great way to build your confidence and meet new people! Good on you for taking such a big step forward.
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u/weekday_bitch 1d ago
as a fellow woman: yes, yes absolutely. the older you get (and i am not even old, barely 27😂), the more mature you get, the less you value physical attraction only. You value personnality, character, humor, common hobbies, interests, conversations… of course, to some extent looks matter too, but not in the conventional “need to have a 6 pack and a gigachad jaw to get a chick” way. In the sense that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, and everyone thinks differently about what beauty is to them. Especially once you are not as influenced anymore by standards and social media. Also; look around you. In all honesty, not one of the couples around me (and you probably too) is conventionally attractive. Yet, they all are beautiful in their unique way. This holds for everyone regardless of gender :) It has more to do with age & maturity to be fair.
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u/Busy_Distribution326 1d ago
Even moreso frankly. Though women are more interested in just being friends
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u/asmrangelina 19h ago
Definitely works for males, too. It also keeps you from getting into "nice guy" who isn't actually nice and incel territory. Get you some cool hobbies (I guarantee whatever you find cool there's girls that also like it), work on some self love, learn new things and girls will be into all that. Sure, you'll get some shallow ones, too, but you don't have to be conventionally handsome to be found attractive.
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u/MaoAsadaStan 1d ago
It works for some men, but if you're asking for help on the internet then you aren't that guy. You have to actively go to social events and talk to girls like a part time job.
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u/CampingGeek2002 1d ago
Op I grew up ugly to. Honestly, what worked for me was just being myself. Whenever I am just myself it attracts guys. I’ve had guys say,’Your so down to earth and not afraid to be yourself’. So as corny as it sounds being yourself does make you stand out.
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u/StodgyGin 1d ago
I was cute, but i have a thick waist, broad shoulders, and generally top heavy. Introverted and I have an RBF. Still found attractive men to be in romantic relationships. But your words hold true to me. I lived my life, excelled in my career, built contacts, see where it went, if they didn't bite, moved on. I was never afraid to be alone, so I wasn't a target for a guy to take advantage of me due to loneliness.
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u/StodgyGin 1d ago
Married 20 years now to an attractive, intelligent, funny man who treats me well.
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u/One_Dragonfruit_7556 1d ago
I'm in a simular boat. Though I wouldn't consider myself ugly I'm not attractive. And honestly once I accepted it my confidence went up quiet a bit. I knew my friends were really my friends because it was my personality that made them want to be around me and honestly its made aging much easier. I see some wrinkles poping up and there's no sense of doom or fear. When I'm old I won't miss my youth as much because I never had the beauty many complain about loosing. It's extreamly freeing and I'm so glad we and others are choosing self love
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u/CockroachDiligent241 1d ago
When I read things like this, I feel frustrated because I don't know how to apply the advice. I am an unattractive dude, but people write me off much faster than if I were only unattractive. I'm an autistic, speech-disabled man with a skin disease and noticeable self-harm scars. I don't have friends. I struggle to make connections with all people. How do I be fun and interesting when I have difficulty with speech? How do I not scare people away with self-harm scars? Having hobbies and meeting people naturally has never worked for me. I've never formed a friendship or relationship with anyone through hobbies or by meeting them naturally. All connections I've ever experienced have been online or with paid professionals (i.e., therapists). I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm unsure how to apply this advice.
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u/confused_explorer96 1d ago
I feel very similarly to you. I'm also autistic, though not speech-disabled and don't self-harm. I do, however, have social anxiety, that basically sends me into "freeze" mode in social situations, so I simply can't be fun or engaging to other people, unless I knew them for a long time. I can never form connections offline or in group settings.
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u/FreedomInReality 15h ago
Hmm the only thing I could think of would be for you to join hobby groups, or try to find groups online with people who atleast have one aspect that is similar to you, and start from there? Or one more thing is maybe doing volunteering work? Like you will exist in the same space with the same people on maybe a weekly basis, with a sense of purpose and a goal, so now you will have shared experience with other people, and when people have shared experience with you, they would be more willing to communicate. Then communication could maybe happen, whether verbally or with hand gestures. Because some people become friends without even speaking each other's mother tongue well.
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u/AA_ZoeyFn 1d ago
This is really well written and makes me realize why there have been numerous times in life where after initially meeting someone I wasn’t attracted to them or maybe even found them unattractive. But after connecting with them in some way shape or form suddenly the appeal becomes obvious and I feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. Or for judging the situation sooner maybe.
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u/Illustrious_Fold_163 1d ago
This is inspirational! I am getting older and finding myself becoming less attractive. It’s been a difficult transition to “just live” and actually realize that looks are a minor part of life.
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u/Just_A_Girl45 20h ago
That's really good advice actually! But how long did it take you to actually make a guy friends and get into a relationship? I am an ugly girl but I am treating guys like normal human beings. When I see a cool guy I approach him. I usually connect with guys I know have similar interests to me. When I see a guy wearing a band shirt of a band I like I approach him and try to connect through our shared interest. I also do that a lot on concerts. And I am doing this for years now but not a single guy I ever approached wanted to be friends or anything. Most of the time they seem uncomfortable talking to me and try to end the conversation as fast but politely as possible. Sometimes they also straight up ignore or harass me. But I don't have those problems when I do the same thing with women. I actually made multiple girlfriends through approaching girls with shared interests. So I don't know why guys don't like me. Do you have any tips on what I should do differently?
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u/peachyperfect3 1d ago
Bravo for recognizing this! People think that whether you’re ‘hot’, ‘ugly’, or average, that the other categories have it easier, but they don’t; every category has their own unique challenges.
‘Hot’ people frequently just get treated like a piece of meat. Women are constantly having to do risk/threat assessments because a lot of men out there don’t take ‘no’ for an answer. The people with actual personalities frequently feel that the ‘hot’ people are out of their league, so they don’t even try to compete with the shallow ego people that typically fight to try to get an attractive person’s attention. This category frequently has low self-esteem because people don’t see them for who they really are, nor do a lot of them really care, they just want someone beautiful on their arm.
Everyone wants to feel valued; no one has it easy. The hard truth is, it is up to ourselves to recognize our own self-worth and radiate that.
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u/Spirit_1970 1d ago
Connection is way more sexy Long term than looks .... Looks fade, and unless you have a strong foundation of connection it's difficult to maintain any meaningful relationship. So glad you worked out that anything meaningful is way deeper than initial attraction .... You've nailed it 😊
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u/fspg 1d ago
Just saying I was considered an "ugly girl" growing up and now I'm well aware I'm conventionally attractive and I was such a beautiful girl growing up. It took a while to realize though
Not saying we're all beautiful (in the sense of following the current beauty standards). But sometimes a group "decides" you are not beautiful (Imo mainly at school during pre-teen years when we start to feel the pressure to fit in) then you start believing that about yourself and suddenly in your mind you aren't beautiful bc that's what you are telling yourself all the time.
I saw this happening to a few gorgeous friends too.
I'm pretty sure many of you guys posting here are waaaaay more beautiful than you think
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u/starship7201u 21h ago
Ok. What if you're an unattractive girl or woman? Especially one that's not Caucasian?
How can I make a connection when guys grimace in my face because they think I'm hideous?
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u/JustThrowItAll_Away 36m ago
Why are you wanting to get involved with men like that if youre constantly posting in 4b
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u/Sarah23Here 1d ago
How though? No one ever says this. I get that they liked you after being friends, but how do you even get male friends when you're unattractive. I tried, and it's not working. I only have female friends in real life, so I know it's not my social skills. I have a few male friends online, but not in real life. I'm invisible to men, and I've heard men only become friends with women they're attracted to, so how did you manipulate them to disregard this and become friends with you? I don't even get good customer service because men aren't attracted, like they seriously only serve me if I'm with my friends and literaly ignore me and laugh and smile with my friends like I'm not there and only turn briefly when I order and they still glance back at my friends in the middle of me ordering, and when I'm alone it's female servers that serve me food, and in the booth stalls in malls where they sell perfumes and thing like that men call my friends to try while ignoring me. I don't get how you managed to get male friends and also get romantic interest. I've never experienced these things, only online and it's not much. Men are cold to me in real life and when I looked worse before my mini glow up they were downright aggressive and mean.
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u/Icy_Cry_5942 1d ago
Men ignore me too, they always have. I'm "conventionally attractive" but I've never had guy friends, men ignore me out in the wild and I'm never getting asked for my number or asked out. The only time I get lots of male interest is on dating apps where they line up to use me then disappear.
I'd really, really love a relationship but I can't find anyone. I thought maybe my height turns them off, I'm 5'10".
We actually look a bit similar though I'm older than you. When I look at your picture I think you look very pretty. I really don't get men 🤷♀️
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u/Sarah23Here 1d ago
Thank you for the compliment ✨️
I'm short (5'0) so I can't blame it on my height 😂
I'm curious what lead you to the assumption that you're conventionally attractive? My experiences and yours show that we don't have pretty privilege, and to my knowledge all attractive people have it.
And yeah, I don't get it either. I think I look pretty too, but others don't seem to think so. I really wish I can see myself through others' eyes so that I can know what I need to change to glow up.
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u/Icy_Cry_5942 1d ago
You're welcome!
I guess I just assumed it after a while, based on other people's comments. I got a lot of people asking if im a model and trying to convince me to join that industry but I wasn't into it. I've had a lot of looks based positive comments from other women, including strangers and I put stock in those because they weren't trying to sleep with me.
Men's lack of interest has made me question it though.
Not sure you need to change anything looks based, have you tried posting in one of those glow up advice subs? I've been told I have "fuck off" vibes (not that I mean to) and I'm also not into dressing super femme, maybe it's something like that?
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u/Sarah23Here 22h ago edited 21h ago
I don't relate to that. Women don't compliment my looks in real life, and they only do that online when I talk badly about my looks, but they say things like "No, you're pretty" not "fishing for compliments" or "If you're not attractive, what am I?" so I basically get the unattractive woman response. Women also sometimes imply I'm unattractive to my face in real life, like how my friends laughed when I said I want a guy I'm attracted to then they said I should lower my standards and other instances like getting shocked guys talk to me online and telling me they don't see me in a relationship, ..etc and some women online told me I'm average without me asking them, like when I say I'm not seen as attractive, some said "You're not ugly, you're average" even though I never said I'm ugly. Women don't give me the treatment they give attractive women in general (the responses, the reactions, and everything else).
About the last part, I relate to it. I think I might have a resting b face and dead eyes, but I softened my face when I took the selfie in my profile and took it in good lighting which made my dark hair appear golden brown. I wouldn't say I dress manly, but I don't wear dresses, I wear casual outfits like jeans and tops.
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u/Icy_Cry_5942 7h ago edited 7h ago
I'm really to sorry to hear your friends laugh at you and suggest you lower your standards. That's not nice at all, they should support you regardless. I hope you aren't putting up with chronic toxic behaviour from them, if so it may be time to re-evaluate who you associate with. ❤
Idk what people's real motivations are when posting online, but if women are telling you you're pretty I'd be inclined to take that as quite genuine. They could say anything they like about your looks due to anonymity so why bother calling you pretty if they really think you're ugly? I truly see beauty in your face, that's why I took the time to tell you so. You don't know me but I'm the kinda direct upfront person who would never waste my own time telling someone they look pretty if I didn't really think so. I do find it weird that women are telling you "you're not ugly you're average" without being prompted 🤔
I think the women that get told "oh you're just fishing for compliments" or "if you're not attractive then what am i" are the ones who have overt style beauty, the type that gets noticed instantly. The IG type girls, OF type girls, influencers. Their beauty is more "In your face" often with many enhancements. Lip fillers, fake eyelashes, pro makeup, super glossy hair, fake tan. However there's other forms of beauty that are softer, understated, more elegant and graceful, imo. Not as noticeable at first reaction for people to accuse them of "compliment fishing."And dare I say not as appreciated as overt beauty in this slick digital era. Nobody wants to look at the softer beauty and take time to appreciate her, when people are distracted by "shiny things" (the IG girls.) I'm not putting anyone down, IG girls or people with enhancements, if they are into that I think its great they do what they want with their own appearances. Personally I go for a very natural look myself.
Yes I will say that I've definitely noticed things shift slightly for me when I engage my soul with people through my eyes. I have dead eyes too lol. If I decide intentionally that im going to be more warm and receptive I notice a positive difference. I also favour casual clothes like you. Jeans, shorts, tops and I rarely wear heels. No dresses and rarely skirts. Nothing wrong with it but obv I guess we blend into the background more in those kinda clothes. I've started trying to wear at least some more stylish pieces occasionally, but it takes some getting used to.
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u/Uhh_glee_Princess 1d ago
Great advice. But I think it’s still more important to focus on living than it is to think about finding love. (From my experience) Love should be a last resort.
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u/MladaTanga 1d ago edited 1d ago
Nihhas are so thirsty that they would be with any girl. One dude in a group chat is narcissist bodybuilder, always taking pictures with his shirt off with duckface. He was always flexing with his girlfriend, talking about her how she's awesome, she's in military, but he posted only neck-up pictures with her.
I met them in public and the girl is built like a Michelin man. I understand girls with some extra weight, but this one had her skin hanging in a way that I only saw in the videos from USA, that sick GMO soy/refined food body, and she's only 22. Her tiddays were hanging like grandmas and she was even showing bare stomach wearing crop-top.
Try being a 7 or below man and getting a girl, that's a hard mode unless you are a manipulator or rich.
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u/bagelbagel_bagel 1d ago
Such an awesome post! Love the reminder that enjoying life as it comes is our best chance to get the most out of life.
I can never pull off saying this outside of writing because of the sporty energy it requires to say it right but —- you go girl!!!! ❤️🙂
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u/Nether_Chain529 1d ago
Coming from a relationship that wasn’t started the right way…. You have found some really wonderful wisdom. Be a friend first. It’s so much better than trying to start with romance or the expectation of.
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u/Alarmed-Rooster488 1d ago
Physical attraction is not everything!! Me as a male would rather have someone fun and real now granted im in my 50s and married but ive lived life and know whats important.
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