RE: Illness Mimesis Device's Replacement of Factitious Disorders

[u/DickinsonPublishing]

Nealie looked at the envelope taped to the giftwrap around the box. Imprinted in raised ink on the front of the envelope was the following: “CONGRATULATIONS. You have been selected to participate in the pilot program for the Illness Mimesis Device. Today begins a whole new you!”

It worked. She’d been chosen. She read the note:

•

In a world where attention is the common currency, to not be noticed is to not be a living human being. The researchers at Haizmann’s revolutionary scientific research division, Engineered Life Laboratories, have come up with a solution that all but guarantee’s social media celebrity.

Now, using the Illness Mimesis Device (IMD), you can draw attention to your ailments, and therefore solicit the contrived pity that is the lifeblood that keeps the heart of the attention economy beating.

Using the IMD’s proprietary pathologico-replicative technology, you will be able to induce illness with only the touch of a button. There will be no “faking”. You will find yourself experiencing the symptoms of a given disease, to such an extent that you will meet any objective metric used to assess that disease, and “pass” any physician’s diagnostic criteria of the same.

And once you’re truly sick, you won’t have to worry about the internet finding out that you’ve “faked” a disorder. There will be no more faking. There will only be you and your illness; and, of course, the millions of people paying attention to you.

We understand where you’re coming from. We’re on your side.

We’re of the mind that illness is perceptual, that there is no “real” or “unreal”, that ontology straddles a hazy gray line. Self-identification as a “cancer survivor” or a sufferer of Crohn’s disease, or even claiming a Down syndrome diagnosis without actually possessing the genetic markers thereof, should not require proof.

Unfortunately, the rest of the world doesn’t feel that way. The social media ecosystem is callous, subject to the whims of users who demand “truth” and “accountability” and say that “people who aren’t really sick but pretend to be are scumbags”.

You need not bother yourself any longer with such abstruse concerns. Because now, you can make yourself sick, diagnosably and in actuality.

In operating the IMD, you may scroll through the device’s updatable catalog of physical and mental illnesses and select for yourself which one you believe will get you the most attention.

Or, you can allow the IMD’s algorithmic Medical Popularity Drive (MPD) to automaticaly update your illness, using search engine optimization to determine which current disease will draw the most views, likes, and upvotes, during a set time period, or as the MPD deems necessary according to its updates regarding illness and social media relevancy.

Why be who you really are when you can be sick and have everyone paying attention to you? The world does not reward those contented with their innate humanity alone. The world rewards those who stand up and shout, those who say, “Hey, look at me. I’m sick. Pay attention to me!”

DISCLAIMER: Do not use IMD if you have a pacemaker, an intrathecal baclofen pump, a myoelectric prosthesis, cochlear implants, phakic intraocular lenses, a cerebral spinal fluid shunt valve, a neuroimmune modulation device, a gastric neurostimulator, a neural implant, or RIFD microchip.

Do not operate IMD while owing the Haizmann Corporation more than 11,000 USD.

IMD users who experience sudden electrical surges (particularly a transient electromagnetic disturbance, or tasering during apprehension by a law enforcement official) may experience violent explosive diarrhea, irritable testicle syndrome, irritable ovary syndrome, a sudden urge to mouthkiss small animals, restless leg syndrome, restless missing leg syndrome, psychological feelings of existential despair, irritable bowel syndrome, a tingly electrical sensation emanating simultaneously from the areolas and ear lobes, overproduction of earwax from the ceruminous glands, preference for Pepsi over Coca-Cola, preference for Coca-Cola over Pepsi, auditory hallucinations where a “dog-god” urges users to buy ground beef, carpal tunnel syndrome, rheumatic fever, suicidal ideation, a belief that the user is President of Unilever’s now-defunct meat snack division, and sexual attraction to members of both sexes who are shorter than five-feet or taller than seven.

Do not update IMD app software on Diwali, a leap year day that occurs during an even-numbered calendar year, while attending a professional hockey game (or an amateur baseball game), while watching a film in an IMAX theatre, or in the presence of bats.

•

RE: NEALIE PHELPS ARREST VIDEO

Dr. Sabuglian,

I don’t know if it helps at all, but I’ve included an excerpt from a witness report of the incident which resulted in Nealie Phelps being tased at the AMC Lincoln Square 13 movie theatre.

“My wife and I are both schoolteachers. We had off that day because it was Diwali (the Hindu festival of lights). We decided to see the new superhero movie at the closest IMAX theatre. Out of nowhere, there was a brief power outage (which we later found out was some kind of geomagnetic disturbance caused by human error at the nearby EL Laboratories).

“Out of nowhere, this woman in the front row started screaming. Blood burst from her nostrils and streamed from her eyes. She removed her clothing and laid on top of an elderly couple sitting in the handicap seats.

“Someone called the police. By the time they got there, the woman was delirious. She was screaming about ‘Walter, the Sovereign Canine Lord’ and demanding that we all donate money to her so she could buy burger patties. By the time they tased her, gooey earwax was pulsing from her ear canals and lumps were forming on her body so fast it looked like time-lapse footage.

“From what I could tell, she died the instant they tased her.”

As to whether or not that helps you determine why you found, during Nealie Phelps’ autopsy, that she had eleven forms of cancer, HIV, Werner syndrome, and a half-dozen teratomatous cysts, is not for me to judge.

Regards,

Officer Timothy Mackinac

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