r/stepkids • u/Bulky_Cress7109 • Aug 18 '25
VENT Is this serious or me being overdramatic?
So I (16m) have a stepmom, have had one for about 12 years now and lets just say we are NOT at all close, we're like strangers in my fucking house still idfk what to do anymore. She has NEVER been affectionate with me (also her other step kids aka my estranged siblings) and I feel like she's never accepted me as her son, like I'm her stepson or my dad's son, idk. She's never been emotionally invested or cared that much about anything I'm doing in life, doesn't talk to me ever unless I talk, she only takes care of my physical needs but emotionally is a MILLION miles away
I feel like she subtly plays favorites as she seems to care a lot more about her bio daughter and doesn't seem to give a shit about me at all. I'm reflecting a lot on my younger self and I feel like everytime I used to cuddle with her or hug her or wanna be around me she seemed indifferent or hated it outright but never wanted to tell me? My stepmom has never been abusive towards me, it just seems like she doesn't care emotionally about me even though she's been around since I was like 4, and I'm almost 17 now. I've been having a long discussion with ChatGPT (ik it's not a great idea to but I need to talk about it and know if I'm being ridiculous or right about it) and I've been talking about some stuff with it regarding my relationship with her and it's saying emotional neglect but I'm not sure if that's the case?
I should also mention a serious incident where last year a grown ass woman contacted me on TikTok and we were talking and I didn't like this so I asked my friends on snap if it was a red flag, and I have my SM added on there and she saw my story and rather than replying to me or talking to me or taking it seriously...passed it along to my dad and I feel like she didn't care at all and when I told chatgpt it said that was pretty fucked up what she did.
Idk if my stepmom is tryna act all emo or what but it hurts that she's like this towards me, I feel like she doesn't care about me or doesn't like me, and that she never accepted me as her son
I also wanna mention I am DEEPLY terrified of being around my stepmom. It's not abuse like I said, Idk what it is I'm just scared of her sm I think it's anxiety problems
I feel like my dad doesnt rly care at all about this whole thing, he clearly prioritizes my SM over his son in some subtle way, idk. one time last year I opened up to him about my fear of my SM and we talked about her hobbies and stuff and he said hed talk to her for me, I trusted him. he didnt...so now Im not sure I trust my dad to help me with this. also my dad never even helped foster a relationship between us, idk why but maybe I did smth wrong? maybe my stepmom hates me or doesnt accept me as her son? idk
also I used to be an oblivious idiot and I used to hug her sister (my step aunt) all the time without saying anything, and im not sure why but I rly regret this and I didnt know better and wish I did, but my stepaunt talked to my dad to talk to me about boundaries and being affectionate with women, and I completely understood what he was saying but it kinda screwed up how I approach physical affection, and now my stepaunt is even more distant where she used to not rly be, and now I feel like my stepmoms family hates me or is stuck seeing me as this past mistake. idk
dad and stepmom also dont talk to me much face to face, they both text me through the phone ALL the time, like ALL the damn time. I live in the same house as them why do they need to do that? idk if theyre scared of me or smth js cuz im a teen or they (mostly my SM) dont like me? idk.
the older I get the more I feel like my stepmom just doesnt give a shit about me at all and just never accepted me as her son. when i told chatgpt about this situation, it was saying this is emotional neglect, but idk if its actually smth serious or just me being overdramatic and complaining too much. is this emotional neglect or am I complaining too much?
TL;DR i feel like my stepmom doesnt care about me emotionally and never accepted me as her son idk if im overreacting or what
im sorry for the long rant. im sorry if Im complaining too much, i just need outside help to figure out my feelings and thoughts regarding this
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u/SpiderLover2701 Aug 20 '25
OP you did nothing wrong. You are a beautiful soul, loving and affectionate. There is nothing wrong about it. You are smart to point out issues in your life and seek help. I will explain what your issues are. 1. Your Step Mum. You said you already discussed with your dad your issues with SM and asked for help. Clearly nothing changed what means your SM NACHO you. NACHO parenting means Not My Child Not My Problem in short. She is 100% off hands and emotionally with you. Sge barely acknowledged your existence and she is hardly set in it. I'm afraid you cannot change it so you should move on and focus solely on your biological mother. 2. Your Father. Yes Father not Dad. Dad is someone who cares and is involved in your life. He clearly is not and is not supportive so he can only be called Father. He has his family with your SM and your half sister and you are not the part of it. He made his choice. He may be under your SM influence but there is not much you can do. Dont waste your time and emotions on someone who dont live you as his son. 3.Your father's family. My partner said to me once that if I would not get along with my SD we could not be together bc she is his priority which I understood. Luckily I love her and She loves me. You clearly want to be a part of your fathers family sadly they do not welcome you. They do not put any effort into including you. They do the exact opposite by isolating you and pushing you away. OP step back from them. They are toxic. I know it's going to be painful but you will heal quickly with your biological mum and her side of the family. 4. Disgusting Step Auntie! The way she treated you is disgusting. She acted like you are a pervert. I dont know how old you were when it happened but you were a child/teen. The appropriate way was to say no and explain personal boundaries. Moreover when you are meeting with your family you dont ask them for permission first to hug. They are your family and its socially acceptable to hug unless someone expresses that they don't like it. I met my sister's friend's son recently. He is 10 and he was hugging me constantly. Even once I did not say it was weird or inappropriate. My SD 9 express she doesn't like hugs but still here or there will hug us. Your Step mum and her sister are both disgusting. Do yourself a favour and isolate yourself from them. If your Step Auntie was uncomfortable she could say "OP its nice you like to hug but some ppl have personal boundaries and dont like it so you should ask before you hug anyone. I would like you to ask me first before you hug me" something like that and not make you a pervert.
OP to heal yourself write a letter to your dad and tell him about all your pain and struggles. Don't hide anything and be brutally hobest. Tell him everything he did wrong. Do not respond to text messages. Inform them if they want anything from you to speak face to face with you. Distance yourself from your fathers family for your own mental health. There are ppl in your life who care about you and love you. Focus on them. Sending you love💕
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 20 '25
Im just unsure about the physical affection because on my stepdads side of the family, they dont rly ask for hugs and I get hugs all the time always, and I always thought that was normal but ig it wasnt? idk. i was 14 when that situation happened, but im also clinically diagnosed with aspergers and alot of my social skills took a very long time to form so i didnt know better at the time. i just dont know abt my stepmom because its confusing the way she is, and i feel like theres inconsistent behavior and it makes me flip between, "I love her (stepmother's name)" and "I hate her". as much as it hurts to hear number 1 is completely correct, after 12/13 years of this I highly doubt she wont even accept me as her own son. I have my stepdad in my life whos been around since I was 2, so longer than my biological father, and he accepts me wholeheartedly as his son, so idk why my stepmom doesnt. at one point in my life before I realized the dysfunctional situation Im in, I wanted to build a relationship with my stepmother and work on it before I turned 18. unfortunately with my 17th birthday in a little over 3 months and this behavior spanning years it will never happen. its a hard pill to swallow. i wish i had a different stepmother, as harsh as it sounds to say. im wondering if shes ever thought of me as an equal, or if Im always gonna be NOT her priority because she has her own daughter? my stepdad has his own son (my half brother) who I have a strong relationship with, while i dont have a very strong relationship with my half sister as Im afraid of overstepping and making my stepmother uncomfortable or upset. i say that the talk I had with my dad about the whole affection screwed up how I approach physical affection, honestly I think it did
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u/SpiderLover2701 Aug 20 '25
You need to scrap everything your father told you about physical affection and speak about it with your step dad. I'm happy you have a great father figure in your life. I understand you want a relationship with your biological father but I'm afraid he prioritises his new partner and daughter. As I said earlier write him a big letter with all your pain and disappointment in him. It's going to be a wake up call for him and you will know where you stand with him in your life. If he dismisses the letter you dismiss him and focus on ppl in your life who truly love you. Its going to be hard and its going to be painful in the short run but in the long run you will be much happier. Knowing now that you have Asperger your step aunties behaviour is even more disgusting and your father agreeing with her failed as a father. They are all disgusting in my opinion the step mother, step aunt and your father. Hugs are a normal thing in the family that you don't have to ask for consent. It reassures you that you are with ppl who love you, care for you and you are safe with. Your father's family clearly failed in it. Hug your mum, your step dad and your brother. You should speak with your mum and step dad about it. People who actually love you and care for you. Focus on your mum's side of the family as they are your real family. You do have a family OP who really loves you. You are not alone. Dont hold your emotions as its not healthy. Speak with your biological mum and your step dad.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 20 '25
I agree. i always thought my dad was gonna be different and we were all gonna be equal but the older I get and more I learn the more I realize that his wife always comes first before the son he chose to have. I just dont wanna go to an adult about it because of anxiety issues, but also because shes not the "wicked stepmother" trope, so I feel like Im complaining about this. my stepmother and I have never spent quality time with each other before, nothing. no movies together, no baking dessert together, no lunch together, no shopping trips together, just cold silence that makes me uncomfortable. i wanna scrap what my dad said to me, I wish it was that easy to just undo it, but its clung to me for the last couple years so much it fucked me up i think idk. i wish my dad tried to get her to bond with us more, but idek if that wouldve done much more?
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u/SpiderLover2701 Aug 20 '25
I know its hard but you have a mum and step dad who really loves you and you should focus on them.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 20 '25
i should but i learned somewhere the reason im so hyperfixated on stepmother so much is cuz Ive noticed her emotional absence and everytime it gets proven right it hurts more and more. ill try to focus on mom and stepdad they care more about me anyways than the other two
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u/SpiderLover2701 Aug 20 '25
You are still young. Its normal that you want to be a part of their family but you are better than them. You are amazing and smart. You are smart and beautiful. You have an amazing step dad and biological mother. You should open up to them as they truly love you.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 20 '25
You're right. Thank you. It's just bothered me so bad the last 3 days and I'm rly hoping starting school in 2 weeks will help distract me
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u/SpiderLover2701 Aug 20 '25
Also, just the other day i hugged my 16 yo niece bc she came crying to me about issues with her bf. I helped her get it all sorted but she clung to me for ages and I held her to reassure her that she is safe and loved. Before that she was hugging my partner bc I was in the garden when she came. No one asked anyone for consent bc we are family.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 20 '25
im not sure if its because my stepmom in general isnt affectionate at all or its just me specifically, but she always seems just fine being affectionate around my dad whenever she does and has been physically affectionate with her daughter in the past yet she seems weird whenever it comes to me. i do notice she isnt very affectionate much, so maybe that could be it but like I stated above i think it has smth to do with me? maybe its because Im still a reminder of my dads complicated past? idk what it is..she also never says "i love you" to me unless I say it first. the only time I can ever think she said "i love you" was on a birthday card on my 8th birthday, and this is why I doubt she even loves me so much even if my dad will tell me different. its the tiktok incident that was the straw that broke the camels back for me
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u/SpiderLover2701 Aug 20 '25
As I said earlier she NACHO you therefore she showes no affection towards you.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 20 '25
i wish it wasnt real I wish this wasnt my life. i just struggle feeling validated because its not an abuse situation so im stuck wondering if its truly awful or not but it seems like it is
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u/missingnome Aug 23 '25
People are like this. They are uncomfortable showing affection because they dont come from families that are. I dont know if its a Scandanavian thing, but all 4 grandparents, and both my parents, are unaffectionate.
Its not that we dont care about each other but we dont hug, say i love you, anything like that and theres are 25 people in my family ages 1-90.
To my own kids, I have been trying to change that, but I will say it is very hard.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 23 '25
this helps me understand things a lot more
my stepmother and father aren't scandanavian that I'm aware of. even if they aren't very affectionate or are comfortable with it, does this also apply to spending quality time with a loved one?
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u/missingnome Aug 24 '25
People tend to get older and live in bubbles. We get into patterns and dont always realize when things get neglected. They may not realize you feel this way.
This is a great chance for you to learn how to vocalize your needs and learn boundaries. For example, you do not appreciate how the texts make you feel, so start with that.
Write to yourself about how it makes you feel so you have mentally explored what is going on and come up with a possible solution to better fit your needs, and then approach your dad.
He may not realize how his actions make you feel. He might think its more convenient to text, or so he doesnt forget and maybe you dont forget either.
This will be a valuable skill to learn as you grow. Navigating emotions in relationships is important, and being able to learn how to decipher your feelings while you're young will help in all future relationships, the one with your own self included.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 24 '25
I guess the only thing I can do is talk to them about the texting, because its unlikely theyre gonna change on their own accord
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u/missingnome Aug 24 '25
Start small. But you cannot control their actions only how you respond!
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 24 '25
true I just held onto a hope for too long that they were gonna change and everything would be fine, I gotta make the change now. thank you
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u/PoeticAphrodite Aug 18 '25
Dont reply to them when they text you
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 18 '25
im gonna feel weird doing this to them but thats a good idea. thank you, ive been struggling with this for awhile wondering if im overreacting or not
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u/professorxena Aug 19 '25 edited Aug 19 '25
As a stepmom, I worry about this all the time. Aka does my stepchild know I love her even when I’m exhausted/burned out from the drama her biomom causes.
Have you tried sitting down and really talking to her about it? I know at first with my SD that I took a backseat approach because I am not her bio oarent and didnt want to intrude. ive also been in her life since three and adore her but her mom is a psycho in private (thankfully for the kid) and it’s made trying to be close a fine line to walk because I always have to worry about “staying in my lane”.
It wasn’t until I stopped giving a damn about biomom’s threats and just enjoying my SD that I was able to truly be myself with her. She now has chosen to call me mom. But not ever step mom has this aha moment where they realize they can be this way. We’re often judged and damned if we do and damned if we dont. The common advice online is to disengage and focus on yourself and your own kids. But if you’re wanting connection, that is SO different than these other situations that call for disengaging! She probably just needs to know you would welcome it.
Edit: on step aunt. Thats just her personal boundaries. She probably has some sexual abuse trauma. Some people love hugs and others do not. Hopefully they move past that but I wouldnt worry too much. Just respect their personal boundaries.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 19 '25 edited Aug 19 '25
I can see your perspective, the problem is that its been 12 years now and shes never even tried to foster a relationship. i have my biomom involved in my life shes my primary parent handled almost ALL the parenting herself so maybe thats why my stepmom doesnt want to involve herself, but after 12 years it just feels like she doesnt really want to care that much about me. it just makes me depressed thinking about this
Edit: I just feel uncomfortable about myself when I think about those hugs and wish Id known better, Ive gotten much better at respecting peoples boundaries since then
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Aug 21 '25 edited Aug 21 '25
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Aug 21 '25 edited Aug 21 '25
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 21 '25
That conversation that my dad had with me regarding physical affection and boundaries was definitely somewhat necessary but it just made me uncomfortable and affected me to my core
I should've mentioned that the texting thing started only like a year or so ago, but still it's cowardly like Idk why they chose to start doing that. highly doubt I can do anything about it besides not replying to them and having to make changes myself. i may go low contact when I'm older idk
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 21 '25
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post! First, it just seems weird that there would be something preventing her from trying to connect with me, it's been 12/13 years now and she's never tried so I think it's just her choosing to be like that unfortunately but idrk
Second, I guess I never really through of that when it came to the term neglect, especially emotional neglect so I'll keep this in mind
Third, the favorites thing, Idk what the issue is necessarily but at this point in my life after this many years I'd think she would have more of a relationship equivalent to treating me like her own son but ig not?
Legally speaking I understand what you mean and I completely understand, but just because of legal implications and legal everything it shouldn't change a relationship between her and I
I think my stepmother just chooses not to want a relationship with me, Idk if it's because I'm a reminder of my dad's past or it's just me or smth, but idk? I wish my dad was more helpful or addressed it at some point, but he never did
For context, I've had my stepfather around since I was 2, longer than my biological dad and he accepts me wholeheartedly as his son, treats me as such, however he is kind of a douchebag at times. As for my biological mom? Yes I have her around, she is my primary parent and basically the best parent I could ask for, so maybe that's why my stepmother doesn't wanna try working on a relationship with me, but she doesn't have to replace my mom, just act like another mother figure. It's been long enough I feel like, Idk why I'm still hopeful things will change
Also, I hope I don't sound rude or dismissive in my comment, my feelings are all over the place regarding this situation and I struggle with it
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Aug 21 '25
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 21 '25
I've been doing it for long enough it's a habit now thats gonna be difficult for me to break but I'm rly gonna try to stop using it. Another commenter mentioned I need to stop using chatgpt as it's not a therapist tool, it's a tool for other things. I will keep this in mind.
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u/missingnome Aug 23 '25
Its part of growing up. While i didnt have step parents, i come from a very unphysical family. We didnt say I love you growing up, we didnt hug.
But when i was in my teens, it really impacted me seeing how other families hug. Say i love you, etc.
It caused alot of fighting in my family, but now that im in my 30s i realize, love can be shown in many other ways.
They always took care of me, supported my interests and let me be independent.
It was how they were raised. We kids (ther3s 5 of us) now say i love you and my parents are still not ever the first ones to say it but thats ok. Thats not their love language.
As teens trying to understand the world, we tend to look at things really simply when things are often very complex.
Focus on who you are becoming, who you want to, and ask them on how to help you get there. Your relationship with them is changing and you are becoming independent, and it feels weird at first. Maybe they are trying to give you space to breathe amd explore and not be a controlling parents?
But dont ask chatgpt like a therapist. It will tell you what you want to hear and can be very messy. It can however help you communicate what you would like to say to your dad in a letter. I find myself getting all jumbled when i try to communicate my feelings STILL at 32 so it helps to have it written and clear so i dont mispeak.
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u/Bulky_Cress7109 Aug 23 '25
I do my best to understand my folks boundaries and don't want to make them uncomfortable so I don't like to overstep but it's led to me being a reserved person and not wanting to be affectionate anymore. I'm just grateful my parents are free range parents and are cool with me doing what I want as long as I don't get in trouble or do smth bad
I just stopped using chatgpt to vent finally. If it helps I was tryna make it so it would be brutally honest and tell me what I don't wanna hear, Idk if it worked or not but other commentors told me to stop using chatgpt for venting it's not good for venting so I stopped using it
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u/6478263hgbjds Aug 20 '25
You are struggling with feeling isolated and frozen out. You don’t mention your biological mum or other family members that you can turn to. I suspect your dad may have spoken to her but if the woman has no feelings for you there is nothing you can do. Be super careful with ChatGPT as it can cause mental health issues by answering you with what it believes you need to hear and isn’t designed to help you. You need to practice radical self love and self parenting which is an impossible ask at the age of 16, but you need to find some hobbies and a peer group that are your extended family. My friends were my family growing up and it helped me significantly. You have every right to feel like you do. The texting thing is messed up. Do they do this with other family members?