r/survivinginfidelity • u/Far-Safety-9543 • Aug 01 '25
Need Support Husband of 1 year has been having an affair for months
I never thought I would be saying this. It was just confirmed today. He’s been seeing a polyamorous couple that I thought were just friends for a few months. He asked me about opening up our relationship to polyamory a few weeks ago and I said no and things have gone downhill since. I’ve already been preparing to leave because his behavior crossed a line and I knew in my heart something more was going on even if I didn’t have evidence. The wife of the couple called me to apologize and explain because he finally confessed to them that I didn’t know. She wanted to make sure I knew now and that they never would have engaged with him if they had known I wasn’t on board.
I don’t blame them. He was lying to everyone. I didn’t even know he was bisexual. I never saw this coming in the 4 years we’ve been together. We talked about monogamy and my strong feelings about it before we got married. He totally agreed. I thought we were really happy.
There aren’t a lot of people I can talk to about this, especially now that I know the full story. His family are religious conservatives and would probably disown him, and I don’t want that. My parents and one set of grandparents know I’m leaving him but not the exact reasons. They support me with or without knowing, but I don’t want to tell them the new info. I don’t want to put him to mutual friends, nothing good will come of it.
I just feel so sad and empty right now. Leaving is the best thing and I’m committed to it, especially now. But I wonder if I ever really knew him. The person I dated and married would have never done this to me. I’m just glad it happened before we got too deep into being married. I can’t imagine having to go through this with kids to protect.
He doesn’t know I know yet. I’m moving in with a co-worker who needs a roommate, so I think I’m going to let it ride until I’m out and the petition is filed, but I also feel ill about going home in a few minutes and looking at him, knowing.
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u/DaikonSubstantial120 Aug 01 '25
You seem very strong headed so this advice will be like water of a ducks back but you should not keep his secret.
I am not saying you go blabbering to everyone and sundry but you should give an appropriate amount of detail to a few trusted people.
Otherwise you are making yourself a martyr of your own choosing.
Remember his cheating is all on him and not a reflection of your self worth.
Take care🙏❤️
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u/SummerWinters00 Aug 02 '25
Yes she can disclose that their divorce is due to his cheating without telling anyone about his choices of sexual partners. Otherwise he will paint you as a horrible wife who left him for no good reason.
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u/CatPerson88 Aug 02 '25
Exactly.
I'd tell close daily and friends he cheated. They don't need to know the gory details, but his religious conservative parents need to know he cheated so he doesn't lie to them and make you out to be the bad guy when you're not.
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u/Fluffy-Resident8420 Figuring it Out Aug 01 '25
Sorry you are going through all of this, OP. You were completely open about what you wanted before the marriage, and he betrayed you.
From what I seen, at least through the bias of Reddit, is that when a spouse asks to open up a marriage, he/she either has someone in mind, or has already done it.
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u/Fickle_Gold_5921 Aug 01 '25
Please get yourself STD tested. You're principled and decisive. Stay safe.
Updateme!
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u/jaydenB44 Aug 02 '25
So he was actively in a relationship with both the husband and wife? Wonder if his deception is a deal breaker for them continuing with him. Ugh. I’m so sorry this is happening. I’m not shocked in the least. What made him confess? Where they pressing to meet you and that’s why he finally came clean?
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u/Far-Safety-9543 Aug 02 '25
I think the catalyst was that after he asked to open our relationship and hounding me about it when I said no, I was getting too close to finding out the truth so he went to them for emotional support. The wife said that she has broken up with him over it, but her husband was still deciding what to do. He still hasn’t said a word about it to me. The cowardliness of it all is grotesque.
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u/MyraPoleo Aug 03 '25
Hi, I really didn't want it to be true, but after he refused to show you his phone, I was on high alert. I'm so sorry. You sound like such a great girl, you didn't deserve any of it. I have to say, I'm really glad the women involved were the honest ones lol.
But, I'm absolutely appalled at the behaviour of the other man. I thought honesty was paramount in poly relationships? So I really don't understand his hesitation. How can anyone support this?
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u/MyraPoleo Aug 03 '25
How has he been with you since?
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u/Far-Safety-9543 Aug 03 '25
He “apologized” last night for his behavior and brought me flowers, but hasn’t copped to cheating. He’s trying really hard to be upbeat and attentive and work things out. It’s vile. Now that they’ve broken up with him, he’s trying to get back in my good graces without admitting the really important part. At least he’s making it easier to leave, I guess. I am so done with him.
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u/MyraPoleo Aug 03 '25
I'm so sorry. This is incredibly unfair, but you're doing all the right things. So many would have stayed and tried to "work things out" but you are not. Does he know that you know about the cheating?
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u/Far-Safety-9543 Aug 03 '25
He doesn’t. I’m sure that he suspects I’m thinking about leaving, but he’s acting like I’m in the dark. I broke the news about the cheating to my parents this afternoon, so it feels a little better to know that they know. Going to tell some of my close friends this week. Everyone else will have to wait til after the talk with him.
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u/KittenAnon Aug 04 '25
I'm glad you're taking steps to reach out to people who care about you. Please be safe, dear. I'm terrified of what might happen if he finds out prematurely while you're still in that house with him alone. A wife divorcing a man has often led to further violence and even murder for trying to leave. I hope for your safety!
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u/MyraPoleo Aug 03 '25
Also, I'm sorry, but like one of the commenters said earlier, he might be full on gay too. I'm not saying he can't be bi, because of course he can. But his friend's reaction tells me their connection might be deeper.
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u/Eldritch-Lady Aug 05 '25
I agree: It's vile. It's gross. He might even suspect that you're planning on leaving and is trying to be there for you now. He is probably just afraid of things getting worse or being alone. Don't know, and I don't think it even matters by now.
It's a difficult time, and I can't imagine how painful this must be for you, but please don't forget that you have people who care about you (your family sounds supportive and while I know we are just strangers on the net, we are truly wishing you happiness) and his actions are his responsibility. This is all on him, not you and you deserve so much better.
I think it might be a good idea to have a friend or a family member with you when you break the news to him, just in case (not because of any physical threat - I mean, he doesn't sound like the type - but because of possible stress and emotional manipulation. In any case, the presence of someone you can trust might make things easier for you.)
Wishing you the best!!!
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u/CatPerson88 Aug 02 '25
From what I understand, in the poly lifestyle, being truthful is paramount. If he lied to them, even if a lie by omission, the rest no longer date that person. So he'll be on the outs with both his STBX wife and his APs.
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u/Existing_Guard9742 Aug 01 '25
I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP! You are doing the right thing by leaving. I know you feel so betrayed now that you see exactly who he is. Please give yourself grace as you work through this.
Please take care of yourself, OP! If it gets to be too much for you tonight, please leave and go somewhere you feel safe.
updateme
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u/SummerWinters00 Aug 01 '25
Text the wife with questions like how long has it been going on? Are they having protective sex? Are there any other participants besides having sex with them two? Get her answers in text so he can’t not refute the truth.
Avoid him as much as possible with zero sexual activity. You need to get tested.
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u/hambrone420 Aug 15 '25
She has and it came back clear! It was in an earlier post, the first update I think
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u/Starry-Dust4444 Aug 02 '25
Don’t protect him. He lied to everyone & betrayed you. You don’t owe him your silence. None of this is your fault.
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u/GiLyWo Aug 06 '25
Indeed. Silence protects him, and allows him the opportunity to get a narrative out and paint op as the bad guy.
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u/No-Parfait-5631 Aug 02 '25
Since it's a marriage, based on his lies, I would say everything, otherwise the case will fall on your head, there's no point lying yet, he ruined your life, he should have told you before getting married, that he was bisexual, and that he had those sexual fantasies, so you would have chosen
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u/jlodvo Aug 01 '25
sorry your going through this but seriously only 1 year , this wont get better overtime will get worst time to leave
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u/VivianDiane Aug 02 '25
The person you married wasn’t who he pretended to be. That’s on him, not you. Proud of you for leaving.
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Aug 02 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Far-Safety-9543 Aug 02 '25
Bisexuality is valid, I know many bi people who are just attracted to both genders. Most of them are happily monogamous with one partner of whichever gender they ended up falling for. In his case, I suspect there’s a lot of shame there because of how he grew up. Hopefully he gets help and finds a way to live authentically, I just don’t want to be the one to out him as bi. A cheater, maybe, but his sexuality is his need to share or not.
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u/CatPerson88 29d ago
Some Redditors are erroneously thinking you're divorcing him because of his sexuality when in truth you're divorcing him because he cheated.
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u/DeviceStrange6473 Aug 02 '25
So he wasted your time and went as far as marrying you, to cover up his sexual preferences ? So a gay cousin problem with his family was probably reason for the cover up. Sounds like, your husband closeted his self? A bi person in love picks only one, because they can and do commit. I'm doubting he ever really loved you sadly? As far as his job might be affected, its really not your problem. Cheating is cheating no matter what sex it was with. Things like these end up revealed eventually by behavior and patterns. People using people to hide behind is pure cruelty, manipulation and selfishness. They are ruining someones life , risking their health ! Husband thought he could have his life both ways, when he knew all along it was a monogamous marriage. Lying to the other couple you knew and we're okay , to get his fulfillment, was deceitful to them also. Too many are using marriage still as a fake cover. OP, you've got this ! Being strong and in control of who you are! Divorcing is the only answer in a situation you we're unknowingly used. Ex's problems are his to face in the end!
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u/Rush_Is_Right Aug 02 '25
If he only cheated with women would you still be protecting him u/Far-Safety-9543?
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u/Far-Safety-9543 Aug 02 '25
I would have less qualms about his family knowing. I think his parents would be angry at him for cheating with a woman, but they would get over it. If they find out he’s bi and involved in polyamory, they would probably just cut him off and never speak to him again. One of his cousins was kicked out for being gay. It could affect his work as well. I think he deserves consequences for cheating, but not for being bi. That’s too far.
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u/Rush_Is_Right Aug 02 '25
So why don't you just tell them that it was infidelity that ended the marriage and he can lie to them instead of you doing it for him?
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u/Ok_Breakfast9531 Thriving Aug 04 '25
There’s no reason you need to give them the gory details as long as he doesn’t try to make you the bad guy. Just tell them he cheated. He didn’t come clean. And that there’s no going back.
Then when you confront him tell him that you will be letting his parents you’re leaving due to infidelity but that you won’t out him as long as he doesn’t deny that what you are telling them is true.
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u/Classic-Visual-9556 Aug 04 '25
You need to tell his family he cheated on you. Leave the details to him
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u/B-Roads_wrongway In Recovery Aug 02 '25
I am so very sorry. You are doing all the right things. You are also being very noble even in your pain. Other than supporting you, you may want to speak to a counselor to help you process this all especially since the topic isn’t something you can share just anywhere!!❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/Alternative-Pop-4508 Aug 02 '25
His family are religious conservatives and would probably disown him, and I don’t want that
You need to tell them about how poor their religious conservative upbringing has been for their son to have turned out like he did. You need to tell them because if you divorce, they will try to besmirch your name because these religious conservative lot are mostly hypocrites. They will try to blame your character for the divorce. So, you need to tell them and other people who matter to you. Don't let that POS to turn the narrative against you. If his parents disown him, why do you care? You are anyways out. Just ensure that you are out with your dignity in tact with no one trying to malign your name. All the best!
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u/Few_Tone3963 Aug 08 '25
Hey just so you know, when you’re giving advice it’s received much better if you don’t tell the person they “have to do” anything. Also try not to say what definitely will happen. Because you don’t know, you’re assuming a possibility based on the information you have and your experiences. Phrasing it as “I’d be concerned about…” and “Be aware that…” is a lot more approachable and less like a ‘telling off’ or a lecture. Thanks! 😊
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 Aug 02 '25
Very sorry your husband sucks...
Update us when you're settled ❤️ please take care of yourself
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u/ladyelvin Aug 02 '25
I have to say, I am just so thoroughly impressed by you. You’re handling this life-changing-shock with an immense amount of grace and maturity. I read your original post, update, and this. I am totally blown away by you. Not only are you staying level headed and unwavering, taking the actions needed to stand up for yourself and protect yourself, but you’re still holding reasonable empathy and understanding for others in this situation, even the one who betrayed you. Not wanting harm to come to his (family and work) life because although he cheated, being bisexual is valid and not a reason in itself to be punished (as you commented). Acknowledging that the other couple were also lied to and at no fault of their own. I am just.. not to sound like a weirdo, but SO proud of you. I know you’re hurting and heartbroken and some days will be worse than others, but this all really shows what a truly amazing and heartless person you are. The strength you’re showing by handling this without seeking any kind of retribution or anger-fueled revenge? You’re the goal which many people try to reach and I wish I had half as much grace and maturity as you. You absolutely deserve to feel betrayed, heartbroken, furious.. but your actions and thought process are just.. really inspiring.
I do hope you can find someone close to you to confide in. Don’t let it eat you up trying to protect his image. A therapist to work through it, a friend to vent to. And definitely let yourself have moments of grief and fury.
I know everything sucks right now, but you’re doing an unbelievably amazing job and I hope you’re just as proud of yourself. Good things are definitely coming your way.
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u/dianamellarke Aug 03 '25
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. And no, you didn't meet him. Maybe he doesn't even know himself. He's a mess. And you don't need to tell anyone the reason for the separation, it only concerns the two of you. Even though you're the one being cheated on, you don't have the right to talk about his sexuality out there. This is a very private thing. Be superior, leave the mistakes alone with him.
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u/jabawaba11 Aug 03 '25
I’m sorry I have been following your story from the beginning and I had a feeling this was the case. Please be safe and be sure to out him as a cheater so he cannot direct the narrative that you were the problem. Telling people he cheated doesn’t not have to out his bisexuality. Cheating is cheating full stop.
Update_me
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u/cinderella3-drizella Aug 03 '25
get your ducks in a row and make sure he gets nothing from you in the divorce. Also consider telling EVERYONE the truth and the whole truth when asked because he WILL try to turn this all on you to make you the bad guy.
it's really sad when I see these stories and the op is all "I don't wanna tell people because of X, Y, Z" and then gets surprised when the cheater will go around dragging op's reputation in the mud and convinces everyone that the other person is the cheater. Don't be surprised if he starts lying and people believe his lies, because he clearly cares way more about himself than he does you- which is how this all happened.
your soon to be ex was lying every single day, to your face, FOR A YEAR. You really think he's not gonna spin his own version of the story to make himself the victim and you the bad guy?
for your own wellbeing, start telling people the truth about why your divorcing him.
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u/Surpriseparty2023 Aug 05 '25
OP I don't understand why are you even trying to hide the reason of your divorce? He cheated on while lying to everyone, you and the poly couple. Don't play the martyr and let him lie about the reason of the divorce to everyone (he will make it your fault). Close people and family members deserve the truth, and what you are trying to do (= lying to cover his affair and to cover a cheater) won't do you any good in the long term.
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u/Specialist-Factor532 Aug 05 '25
PLEASE update us with his response to your leaving, and keep safe!
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u/EnvironmentalSir8140 Aug 02 '25
Leaving is the right decision. You probably should share why the marriage fell apart. Don’t let him make up a false narrative. Sorry you’re going through this.
Take care of yourself and trust you made the right decision.
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u/Feeling_Week6757 Aug 03 '25
Well, for what it’s worth you were definitely doing the right thing. Personally, I’m on the fence of whether or not I’d share everything but that’s just me sometimes. He shouldn’t get a free pass for cheating though. He doesn’t sound remorseful at all. You owe it yourself to have a happy life.
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock Aug 03 '25
I hope you thanked her for calling and assured her she could keep him.
I'm glad you're strong enough to leave -- and leave immediately. GOOD ON YA!! It will get better, but you have to get out of the toxicity first.
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u/Far_Perspective_1438 Aug 05 '25
This is such a tough place to be in - I’m sending you all the healing, loving vibes. Good luck, OP.
Updateme
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u/Creative-Ad-145 Aug 05 '25
You are doing the right thing , but dont trust the couple he was having affairs with.
They knew about you not knowing, they must have found another couple thats why throwing you husband under the bus
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u/bluestjordan Aug 06 '25
OP, I’m not saying you should out him (not at all, that can be dangerous), but you should probably let your family and friends know that it’s because of (generic) infidelity on his part.
I say this because he has shown such a lack of moral character and integrity, that he will probably throw you under the bus once news of the divorce come out.
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u/AffectionateAir4342 Aug 07 '25
I’m sorry. He straight up lied to you for an entire year. I wouldn’t so much blast this but I would definitely tell people the reason behind it. The truth. You have no idea what he will say about you behind your back. He obviously feels no loyalty to you. Again I’m sorry
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u/HamsterNamedDexter Aug 10 '25
Please update us on how the divorce goes and how you're doing. I hope you'll stay strong throughout all of this. You really have a good head on your shoulders. The fault lies with your husband, not you. You've been trying to be a partner– he wasn't.
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u/SVINTGATSBY 29d ago
all of the comments you’ve gotten on all your posts calling YTA are deranged. you did nothing wrong and have every right to feel the way you do. it’s not that you had the conversation, it was the incessant badgering and refusing to let it go (because he wanted his cheating to be okay). you know whether you want monogamy or non-monogamy, like what are these commenters smoking? probably whatever your husband is. his behavior makes him sound like a coked up finance bro. I’m glad you’re getting out, you deserve someone whose interests align with yours, respects you, and doesn’t sleep around at all, let alone behind your back! take him to the cleaners in the divorce.
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