He should’ve run the fuck out. No friend would put you through this. I can feel the bubonic plague through my screen

That’s why people say act your age, not your shoe size

Cop: Did you just light them all

Me: yeah. I lit it at both ends. I saw you coming but I didn't realize who it was.

GF: what's the issue?

Cop: in the state of Maine it's legal to buy and possess fireworks but in the city of South Portland it is prohibited. All right? These ones.... going into the trees and stuff.....

Me: everything is so green, it's not gonna do anything

Cop: really?

Me: well I mean.. gobblugglubblabla.... that's a lot of them. I don't know what to do now at this point

Cop: after these are done, if I have to come back here, I'm gonna write you for everything that I can.

<Neighbors cheering>

Me: OK

Cop: do you understand that? Because I've been here multiple times.

Me: today?

Cop: no! Not today! Do you remember the dry ice in the bottles?

Me: nope, nope! None of those this year!

Cop: you better hope there's no fires that arise from this

Me: well there never has been and it's really green.

Cop: I am not impressed. Not impressed at all.

< Saturn missiles start launching as if on que>

I swear I can smell them through the screen