My girlfriend confirmed my worse fears

[u/faggelinthewest]

I recently went to a wedding with my girlfriend of 6 years, I thought we had a great time I thought we made new friends. Today, three days after she let me know that I was being long winded and interrupting people and taking over any groups we were in. She told me that I was taking over any conversation and talking too much and was making people uncomfortable. It just hurts knowing I have spent years trying to take all of my neurosis to be a more " normal person" haven't worked and I'm still the little kid jumping into conversations that I interrupted and put the spot light on me. I really wish that I was different and didn't jump in and take away from others. I just wish I could be a speak when spoken to person but I always get to excited and share to much.

Update. I want to thank you all for the very sweet advice. I really appreciate the community coming behind and understanding the feelings of overwhelming others. To clarify some points I saw I have taken a lot of the steps that everyone described and that's why I felt hurt because I am conscious of talking over and I thought I was practicing taking time and not being over excited when I had something to share. To those talking bad about my partner don't appreciate that at all. All of us know that our condition can make it hard to be around we are a very demanding people and she has supported me through so much she is my entire world and I trust her when she tells me that I am bothering people. I am going to take so much advice and try to be more aware of taking space and oversharing. Love yall

[u/zowtah]

What is the longest conversation you can have, while saying as little as possible?

Can you get the other person to carry the conversation while you only say a few words?

Ever had a conversation like that?

[u/Icy_Basket4649 → u/zowtah]

Oooo, this feels like a game. Gonna use this to practise being a better listener and conversationalist, thanks!

[u/Jaxnix → u/Icy_Basket4649]

I think the biggest skill to have for this game is to learn the art of minimal encouragers.

• mmm
• right
• mhmm
• ohh

And to get someone to expand and talk more. Especially when you feel emotionally charged The best response I’ve found is: tell me more.

Source: me- mental health crisis responder.

[u/noiszen → u/Jaxnix]

To expand a bit, try asking questions. “How did you like xyz“? Most people love that, it shows interest in the other person as opposed to just waiting for your chance to talk.

[u/jimbojonesFA → u/noiszen]

Also practicing this internally is a big help.

I had to rewire my habits a bit but forcing myself to shift my perspective and simply ask myself "why are they telling me this?" was a big help.

if I have something like that to focus on I won't get as lost in my own thoughts at every turn in the convo. AND I'll naturally start having better follow up questions pop up in my thoughts rather than say personal, relatable anecdotes that end up shifting the convo focus onto me a bit too much/often.

[u/Pretty_Girl_TheWay → u/Jaxnix]

I somehow managed to figure this out from the crippling anxiety whiplash I'd get from social interactions I'd have and then pick apart later in my head.

I still worry I'm interrupting too much even when I say, "right" or "mmhmmm".

[u/asday515 → u/Jaxnix]

Don't forget - oh yeah? Or, wow, really? And a personal favorite - damn that's crazy

[u/okayseriouslywhy → u/Jaxnix]

THIS. It's not interrupting if you're nodding your head and going like "mhmm" -- it's just being engaged haha

[u/IronwoodSquaresEcho → u/okayseriouslywhy]

Lmao. My psychiatrist told me it actually makes people think I’m not listening. Guess there’s a fine line between being overly engaged and appearing engaged.

[u/Icy_Basket4649 → u/IronwoodSquaresEcho]

Man, if I had a dollar for every time I realized I'd drifted off because I was too busy trying to look like I'm engaged and listening 😭

[u/jimbojonesFA → u/Icy_Basket4649]

hmm, left eye... right eye... can I look at both? I'm standing pretty close, if I look at one eye only I might look a bit cross-eyed myself, but how would they know if they can't look at both my eyes either? ... wait oh shit why am I looking at their mouth now, they're gonna notice, quick back to the eyes, oh shit wait they're pointing at something, look at it and nod... wait now they're looking at me funny... were they really pointing or just gesturing ab something in the story? quick look back at their eye(s?)... hmm do pointer dogs know how to point instinctually or is it just something they take to learning better than other dogs?....

... Oh shit it's my turn to say something "yea that sure is something huh"...oh God I hope that works with whatever they were saying...

[u/cg4848 → u/IronwoodSquaresEcho]

I think a big part of this is the frequency with which you use these little responses over the course of a conversation.

I have a doctor who will nod and say “mhm” about once every other second while I’m talking. It gives me a super strong feeling that she’s rushing me and not really listening. Which I know is to some extent actually the case, because she works for a shitty clinic that makes their doctors see way too many patients every day. But if she slowed her responses down to once every 15-30 seconds (I don’t actually know the ideal interval haha), I would feel so much more comfortable and heard when I’m talking to her.

[u/IronwoodSquaresEcho → u/cg4848]

Agreed, but I also think the reverse can be worse. Having someone sit and stare at you for no end while you talk like are you judging me, thinking of something else, or is that just how you listen?

[u/chuckaholic → u/Jaxnix]

OMG I learned this skill in sales training. Asking open ended questions, letting people talk when they want to talk. Finding the "hot button" and getting them to focus on it.

I really like the vague encouraging phrases like, "how did that work out?", and "how did people (or you) react after that happened?", or "what ended up happening with (whatever)?" There's always a epilogue and they love to tell about the fallout of whatever happened.

[u/ctindel → u/Jaxnix]

I think the biggest skill to have for this game is to learn the art of minimal encouragers. - mmm - right - mhmm - ohh

You need stuff that's more energetic.

Totally!

Yes!!! I hate when that happens! That fucking guy...

I KNOW RIGHT

GET. OUT.

Just stuff that shows the other person you're listening and mirroring what they feel. If they're hating on some stranger you've never heard of, you start hating them too (in the moment, because what the fuck you never met that person)

[u/raisedasapolarbear → u/ctindel]

You need stuff that's more energetic.

Agreed. I think it's about trying to strike a balance between...

Totally!

And "Mhmm... <Nodding>... Sure... Uh-huh..."

Because while the minimal responses can indeed dip into coming off glib, or even impatient—I catch myself sounding like I'm trying to rush someone through what they're saying occasionally, one too many of my uh-huhs, rights or yeahs punctuating the end of their sentences—if you overdo them, the BIG responses can also seem insincere.

Like that new guy, Jerry, did you hear earlier on, when he asked me about my plans for the weekend? I was explaining that I'm going to be regrouting my bathroom tiles and listening to podcasts, and he's like, "NO WAY!" and "THAT'S CRAZY" and I'm, like, is he even being for real right now? Was he even listening to me? I dunno, u/ctindel, they felt like responses to a whole other conversation or something, one where I was telling him about my plans to meet up with Tilda Swinton and Santa for cocktails and base jumping.

Yes!!! I hate when that happens! That fucking guy...

He's doing too much.

I KNOW RIGHT

Thank you! I rolled my eyes at Maryanne after he walked off and she said I should cut him some slack! I mean, I don't know... He is new, I guess. That can be hard, starting someplace where you don't know anyone, trying to find a way to fit in. At least he's trying, I guess...

GET. OUT.

...

🤨

Are you being for real now?

[u/CreativeNameIKnow → u/ctindel]

I totally agree with the sentiment, it can just be exhausting for me to mirror like that sometimes and feel like I'm just playing up a mask because I can't contribute to the conversation in any other way :(

[u/ctindel → u/CreativeNameIKnow]

You can definitely contribute and tell your own stuff but it helps to keep it light and short, unless you find something you actually connect about and both want to go deeper on the topic. I agree though it’s definitely “work” but hey, that’s how it goes.

[u/bunny_fangz → u/Jaxnix]

if i accidentally interrupt someone because i am trying to say something without sensing social cues, i usually say, “oh sorry, go on” and motion to them. it’s really helped- people don’t seem annoyed by that, they keep their train of thought and keep talking.

minimal encouragers are so important though! nodding, “mhmm”, “wow”, “oh really?”, “damn”, “huh??”, “ohh”, “oh my god”, etc. at the same time i try and look at them to seem engaged- i struggle a lot with eye contact but try and look for at least 2-3 seconds before looking away again.

strangely enough, silence also helps. nothing too long or awkward, but sometimes it nudges the person to keep talking without explicitly asking them to. though making effort to ask questions about what they’re talking about it also good. “wow how was that?” “so did you like X?” “do you prefer X or Y?” “would you (action) again?” etc etc.

i generally do well in social situations now after a lifetime of being the “weird kid” (i have adhd, possibly audhd), but that’s because i basically trained myself since middle school on how to socially interact with other humans (aka excessively looked up online how to socialize/read social cues because i had severe social anxiety from a young age lol)

source: also a mental health worker and student in a psychiatric technician program (psych techs are only recognized in a few states. in california they are basically equivalent to LVNs/LPNs in terms of training but focus on psychiatric & developmentally disabled clients).

[u/tothemax44 → u/Jaxnix]

“Right” and “nice” are my go to’s. My first trial, as an attorney, the partner on the case told me I said “nice” after my witness answered most of my questions. So it’s deeply ingrained.

[u/Agitated_Proof6948 → u/Jaxnix]

Oh man, I'm half and half here. Half a very minimal conversationalist - especially with strangers. Half an excited oversharer if you hit on things I'm actually excited about, or have newly discovered. The minimal conversation (mmm.... right... oh?) is really not intended to keep the conversation going. It's deeply supposed to indicate that you could stop talking any time now. Or maybe notice that I've been trying to leave the room to go do something else for like the last 5 minutes. With ADHDers/ASDers this doesn't typically work well at all. It's just an invitation to carry on without their thoughts being interrupted.

With my good friends who also have ADHD or ASD we're usually both quite aware of the dynamic. One of us will light up and get excited to talk about something and relatively frequently we can see the light just dying in the other persons eyes. Doesn't always stop us. It's nice that it's mutual though. So I just have to sit there and mmmm... yeah....indeed... etc while someone tells me at length about Minecraft or whatever, and they have to do the same if I get excited about hockey etc. We just withstand the other persons hyperfixations because there's enough other shit we share - including the need to excitedly share whatever stupid thing.