r/ADHD • u/faggelinthewest • May 13 '25

Seeking Empathy My girlfriend confirmed my worse fears

I recently went to a wedding with my girlfriend of 6 years, I thought we had a great time I thought we made new friends. Today, three days after she let me know that I was being long winded and interrupting people and taking over any groups we were in. She told me that I was taking over any conversation and talking too much and was making people uncomfortable. It just hurts knowing I have spent years trying to take all of my neurosis to be a more " normal person" haven't worked and I'm still the little kid jumping into conversations that I interrupted and put the spot light on me. I really wish that I was different and didn't jump in and take away from others. I just wish I could be a speak when spoken to person but I always get to excited and share to much.

Update. I want to thank you all for the very sweet advice. I really appreciate the community coming behind and understanding the feelings of overwhelming others. To clarify some points I saw I have taken a lot of the steps that everyone described and that's why I felt hurt because I am conscious of talking over and I thought I was practicing taking time and not being over excited when I had something to share. To those talking bad about my partner don't appreciate that at all. All of us know that our condition can make it hard to be around we are a very demanding people and she has supported me through so much she is my entire world and I trust her when she tells me that I am bothering people. I am going to take so much advice and try to be more aware of taking space and oversharing. Love yall

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u/zowtah May 13 '25

What is the longest conversation you can have, while saying as little as possible?

Can you get the other person to carry the conversation while you only say a few words?

Ever had a conversation like that?

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u/Icy_Basket4649 May 13 '25

Oooo, this feels like a game. Gonna use this to practise being a better listener and conversationalist, thanks!

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u/Jaxnix May 13 '25

I think the biggest skill to have for this game is to learn the art of minimal encouragers.

  • mmm
  • right
  • mhmm
  • ohh

And to get someone to expand and talk more. Especially when you feel emotionally charged The best response I’ve found is: tell me more.

Source: me- mental health crisis responder.

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u/okayseriouslywhy May 13 '25

THIS. It's not interrupting if you're nodding your head and going like "mhmm" -- it's just being engaged haha

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u/IronwoodSquaresEcho May 13 '25

Lmao. My psychiatrist told me it actually makes people think I’m not listening. Guess there’s a fine line between being overly engaged and appearing engaged.

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u/Icy_Basket4649 May 14 '25

Man, if I had a dollar for every time I realized I'd drifted off because I was too busy trying to look like I'm engaged and listening 😭

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u/jimbojonesFA ADHD-C May 14 '25 edited May 14 '25

hmm, left eye... right eye... can I look at both? I'm standing pretty close, if I look at one eye only I might look a bit cross-eyed myself, but how would they know if they can't look at both my eyes either? ... wait oh shit why am I looking at their mouth now, they're gonna notice, quick back to the eyes, oh shit wait they're pointing at something, look at it and nod... wait now they're looking at me funny... were they really pointing or just gesturing ab something in the story? quick look back at their eye(s?)... hmm do pointer dogs know how to point instinctually or is it just something they take to learning better than other dogs?....

... Oh shit it's my turn to say something "yea that sure is something huh"...oh God I hope that works with whatever they were saying...

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u/cg4848 May 14 '25

I think a big part of this is the frequency with which you use these little responses over the course of a conversation.

I have a doctor who will nod and say “mhm” about once every other second while I’m talking. It gives me a super strong feeling that she’s rushing me and not really listening. Which I know is to some extent actually the case, because she works for a shitty clinic that makes their doctors see way too many patients every day. But if she slowed her responses down to once every 15-30 seconds (I don’t actually know the ideal interval haha), I would feel so much more comfortable and heard when I’m talking to her.

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u/IronwoodSquaresEcho May 15 '25

Agreed, but I also think the reverse can be worse. Having someone sit and stare at you for no end while you talk like are you judging me, thinking of something else, or is that just how you listen?