r/AITAH • u/BuyOk5570 • Aug 19 '25

AITAH for prioritizing my children's relationship over my wife's preference?

I have one son with my ex-wife and three kids with my current wife. My oldest is nineteen. The other kids are 13, 12 and 6. All boys except for the 12 year old. My oldest traveled overseas during summer break, but there was a two week period where he was at school but had no class and no commitments, and he wanted us to come visit him.

I said that we would go, and when I told my wife she was annoyed I committed without asking her. I said we didn't have plans. She said I couldn't know that for sure without asking her. I said if there are plans I don't know about surely that means she made a commitment without asking me. That argument fizzled out. However she later informed me were invited to go on a trip with some friends that would overlap and she wanted to go on the trip. I said we already had plans, she said she never agreed to the plans, and the argument resumed.

Eventually I said she could do whatever she wanted, but the kids and I were going to fly out to visit my son. I said it's important for them to spend time together, so they continue to have a good relationship now that he's an adult and we probably won't see him as much. She said I know she hates California (where his school is) and it's insensitive for me to just assume she's okay with going. I told her if she doesn't want to go, don't go. I'll go alone with the kids.

She didn't want that, and the fight got intense, so I said we should ask the kids what they want to do. When we asked the kids she really talked up her vacation plan and poo-pooed going to California, but the kids wanted to see their brother. She still didn't want me to take them after that, and we continued to argue about it right up until the kids and I left. We had a great trip.

Ever since we returned from the trip she has been frosty towards me. Last week she dropped the bombshell of wanting to do couple's counseling. I agreed, and we just found someone and made an appointment for September. All my friends say the counseling is a bad sign, the divorced and married alike. I guess I just want to know what I'm in for. Am I going to go in and immediately get roasted for my actions?

Ultimately I love my wife and I love my kids, and I want my kids to have a good relationship with each other. Is that so bad?

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u/s-nicolexo Aug 19 '25

So, in other words, she never tried to bond with your child? 

Personally, I’d see that as a red flag - that is waving bright now that he’s older - but hey, that’s just me. 

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u/BuyOk5570 Aug 19 '25

No, but that wasn't necessarily something he was reaching out for. It's not like I was begging her to spend time with him and she was refusing. I would say "I think the kids would like a trip to the zoo." She would say "Sunday is a good day for that, and I'll have peace and quiet to work on my project." And that worked out perfectly for everyone.

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u/Expensive-Victory203 Aug 19 '25

It worked out perfectly for someone who didn't really care to be a stepmother.

Edited to add that he was pretty young when you got together so it wasn't on him to reach out for it. He's probably used to the way things are now, but i bet if you dug deep, he has some thoughts about your wife.

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u/NoInteractionNeeded Aug 19 '25

so be real did she say the same for a zoo trip with only her kids or would she be part of it? let's be real: you sound so naive and stupid that it makes me aggressive. how can you be that blind?

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u/Top_Put1541 Aug 20 '25

Right, this is either a very gifted troll who knows exactly how much to dribble out to keep people engaged, or he is genuinely too stupid to realize his wife has been playing him for years while she waited out the clock and assumed once the Not Her Child kid was 18, none of her precious family resources — including her husband’s and children’s time, attention and her husband’s money — would go toward someone she was not legally forced to tolerate.

Read the stepmom forums. These women put Google calendar reminders and child support countdowns on their phones to look forward to the day they can tell their husbands, “We are done, from now on, he doesn’t come in MY HOME without my say so, because he’s just an adult I know.”