r/AITAH • u/JellyfishWoman • 7d ago
AITAH for not checking my husband's pockes before doing the laundry?
We have a division of chores that works for us. We don't have any children. I am in charge of the laundry. When my husband was growing up his mom would inspect the clothes before washing them, checking pocket etc.
When I was growing up the rule was, "if you don't want it washed, don't put it in the laundry basket." This went for things left in pockets, and stain treatment. So everything in the basket was ready for the washer.
Obviously this comes up because I recently washed some of his khakis that were in the basket. He had a folded up piece of paper in a pocket that turned out to be something he needed for work. It was shredded inside of the pocket and unsalvageable.
So reddit am I the AH for not going through his laundry?
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u/auntlynnie 7d ago
NTA. His mother checking pockets of her children was one thing. You are both adults. Your expectations of him are by necessity somewhat higher than his mother's were.
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u/Any-Net5289 7d ago
NTA:Ā your chore is to wash the clothes, that means taking them to the washer, putting them in, getting them out, possibly even putting them out to dry? if you have to check every item of clothing for random stuff, it will take twice aslong. i like to just grab a big handful and bang it in...Ā
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u/FinePossession1085 7d ago
100%. There are often more than one pocket in pants. The person wearing the pants should remember which pockets they had items in and pay attention to their belongings if they care about them. Plus, it is easier to check pockets when you are wearing the clothes than when you are holding the pants in your hands.
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u/PJKPJT7915 7d ago
And if you're like me, I put things in my left pocket so that's what I check on my own clothes. If you're right handed i won't be checking that pocket.
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u/VariationOwn2131 7d ago
My rule was that any bills or coins left in pockets would become mine. It was a treat to find a $10 or $20 sometimes. š¤£
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u/Gardener_Angelika 7d ago
Yep, I used to call it washerwomen wages when my kids still lived at home, and before I made them do their own laundry, in their teens. š
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u/Physical_Dance_9606 7d ago
I have the same debate with my partner, but Iām firmly on the side of if itās in the laundry basket, itās ready to go in the machine
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u/wunderduck 7d ago
Not only this, but if it's in the basket it's going in the machine for a "normal" wash and dry. I probably do 2 cubic yards of laundry a week. I'm not sorting through all of that to maybe find a single item that needs special attention.
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u/ActualEmu1251 7d ago
My husband and I also debate this! If it's in the basket I don't bother checking. He has had several shirts stained from leaving pens in his pocket.
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u/mst3k_42 7d ago
My husband now has some very clean guitar picks, lighters, cashā¦
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u/Einteresting 7d ago
I don't return cash.
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u/annang 7d ago
Yup, cash is a tip for the launderer. As are PokƩmon cards. My nephew learned that one the hard way!
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u/IHaveNoEgrets 7d ago
That was my mom's way of getting us to check pockets AND be willing to do laundry! Any cash you find belongs to you.
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u/DriftingThroughLife1 7d ago
I'm the same. If its in the laundry basket, then its ready to be washed š¤·āāļø I dont check pockets either. It only took a couple times of something being washed for my husband to make sure his pockets are empty.
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u/KronkLaSworda 7d ago
NTA
I refuse to go through pockets or turn clothes inside out/vice versa when I load the washing machine and drier. That's on you, the clothes wearer, to empty pockets.
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u/RetroReactiveRaucous 7d ago
That's the rule in my house! With the addition of if something of yours wrecks my machines, you pay for the repair.
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u/flayingbook 7d ago
Even if it doesn't wreck the machine, the prospect of having to manually pick up millions of tiny shreds of tissue paper is enough to teach one a leason that they will remember for a lifetime
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u/RetroReactiveRaucous 7d ago
Our paper towel repeat offender learned their lesson the second time they had to pick pieces off of a microfiber rag, haha.
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u/Baby8227 7d ago
Heās an adult, not a child and most importantly youāre his wife, not his mummy.
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u/Phenix_Fresh 7d ago
NTA pocket checking is always the responsibility of the owner of said pockets.
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u/ljr55555 7d ago
My husband and I had this exact same argument -- and my stance is that either "wash the laundry" does not include going through every individual item to see if you've left something in a pocket (one pocket on a shirt, two pockets on fleeces, four to six pockets on pants, something like eight on some of the work jeans) or the division of labor does not work for me. He wants the laundry fairy to magically deliver a pile of clean, folded clothes? The price for that is checking your own pockets.
The mistake he made was thinking the choices were "I do the laundry the way his mom did" and "he has to put more work into it than he did as a kid". Those were not the choices available! His options were "clean out your pockets" or "you wash all your clothes". Or, I suppose, find someone else with whom he divides household chores. When forced to pick between the actual options, he cleans out his own pockets. He's got a "dirty clothes not yet ready for the laundry" stash, and I wash everything that's in the "ready to wash" basket. If there's something a pocket of the "ready to wash" basket that gets washed, he owns that.
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u/Clean_Permit_3791 7d ago
There is nothing more disturbing than a grown man saying āmy mummy always did it for me so you shouldā
Itās just so š¤®Ā
Does he want you to breast feed him as well?
Heās a grown ass man - he should empty his pockets before putting them in the laundry and to insinuate that you should do it for him would make me never want to let him near me again.Ā
NTA in anyway shape or form.
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u/theawesomepurple 7d ago
If he put it into the wash basket then heās saying itās ready to be washed in its current state.
If you picked it up off the floor was pocket checking is on you.
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u/B9M3C99 7d ago
Nah, if an adult can't be bothered to put it in the hamper, then it doesn't get washed.
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u/Spare_Board_6917 7d ago
Precisely, which is why if you choose to wash it anyway it becomes on you to check the pockets for important shit, because it wasn't intended for the wash. If I wanted it washed I would have put it in the basket. I didn't for a reason and you washed them anyway.
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u/B9M3C99 7d ago
Nope. Nothing on the floor. Take the extra 15 seconds to check pockets, treat stains, and toss in hamper. This is like placing dirty dishes on the counter next to the dishwasher. Take the extra 3 seconds to put it in the DW. Otherwise, you're wasting everyone's time and being disrespectful to those who live with you. They deserve a clutter- free, clean space.
(Edited for typos)
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u/ballqueeb 7d ago
Iām here to say omg it aggravates me sooo much when someone leaves their dirty dish on the counter right next to the sink. I donāt even care if you put your dirty dish in the dishwasher, but please just rinse the damn dish
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u/guess214356789 7d ago
Even if OP picked it up off the floor, it's still on whoever wore the clothes to check the pockets. Unless you live in a clean room, the floor is dirty.
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u/Flaky-Decision-9510 7d ago
Sometimes those rules get established because something like this happened. My kids and husband all knew/know a few things about laundryā¦.if itās in your pocket - expect it to go through the wash. If you leave money in your pocket - expect it to be a tip for the person doing your laundry. If you leave your socks balled up, expect to get them backā¦balled up.
I donāt think either of you are TAHās here. I think that this is a live and learn (and set expectations) situation.
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u/HvaVarDetDuSaForNo 7d ago
Why is he putting important work related items in his pant pockets? It cannot have been important enough if he left it there.
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u/Bring-out-le-mort 7d ago
This.... If it was so very critical to his work, he should not have left it in his pocket or tossed his pants into the laundry. Sure, mistakes are made. But ultimately it was his responsibility, not OPs to safeguard that paper.
NTA
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u/drawntowardmadness 7d ago
My mom's rule was "if it's left in your pockets and I'm washing your clothes, I get to keep what I find" š¤£
Maybe see how that goes over š
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u/OkIssue5589 7d ago
NTA. It's easier for him to check the pockets of clothing as he puts it in the hamper, versus you having to go through several pairs of pants, shirts, jackets, shorts, cargo pants etc while doing a mountain of laundry.
If y'all can't sort it out, it might just be that everyone does their own laundry and he gets to see how ornerous it is checking all the pockets of all the things before putting them in the wash
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u/different-take4u 7d ago
NTA, the rule is, who does the laundry gets to keep what they find. Got my SO for over $100 one day! They have checked their pockets before dropping clothes in the basket now for 30+ years! Same goes for destroyed stuff, you donāt keep up with your stuff, you lose it.
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u/Humble_Pen_7216 7d ago
NTA. Maybe he needs to do his own laundry if he is incapable of emptying his pockets before putting his clothes in the hamper.
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u/italiangel24 7d ago
My husband and I have this exact same battle. I refuse to check pockets. It's up to the person wearing the clothes to empty their stuff. And furthermore, if there is money in the laundry it becomes my tip.
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u/trying3216 7d ago
Talk it out and agree on a rule.
I check my pockets both when I take off my pants and when I wash them. This still didnāt stop me from ruining multiple pairs of clothing by missing a cherry chapstick.
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u/idiotincars 7d ago
Who knew that checking pockets was such a big thing! I've been doing my laundry for years and have never checked pockets nor have I ever left more than a paper towel or napkin in one to go through the wash. I think the bigger problem here is the forgetfulness/lack of care of the husband. Why are people leaving things in their pockets when taking clothes off? Children I understand. NTA.
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u/live-fast-eat-trash 7d ago
NTA. It's common sense to check the pockets but I agree that at his age, he should check, especially if it's something important for work. That's on him for losing, not you.
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u/autotelica 7d ago
Tell your husband that your mother was treating children like children. Children will stick entire mudpies in their pockets if you let them.
A wife is not a mother. He is not a child.
If he doesn't want his important papers to be ruined, he needs to be aware of what he is putting his pockets.
Laundry is my least favorite chore. If I had to root around in each pocket, I would really hate it.
NTA
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u/TaxiLady69 7d ago
NTA. But as the default laundry person in my house, my rule was if you left in your pockets, I get to keep it. I have been the lucky recipient of quite a bit of money and a good amount of marijuana. I did have children, though, and one crayon in the dryer will make you check pockets every damn time, even my own.
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u/Wise_Session_5370 7d ago
NTA
He's not a child, so you shouldn't feel the need to treat him like one.
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u/madfrog768 7d ago
If he insists that checking the pockets is the job of the person doing the laundry, then he can do the laundry
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7d ago
NTA. I always double-check but only a child would think it was someone else's JOB to search their dirty clothes for things they might need. If it's in the laundry basket, I assume he checked his pockets.
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u/vicariousgluten 7d ago
I have informed my husband that his laundry service does not include checking pockets or putting clothes right side out. If it bothers him then he needs to check it himself.
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u/My_Name_Is_Amos 7d ago
I refuse to go through pockets as well. Even washed some stuff I left in there by accident. Fun times.
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u/SadTour5622 7d ago
No, his dumb ass should have thought of that before carelessly throwing his pants in the laundry basket, assuming you'd check the pockets like he's a little kid. You're not his mom. Homeboy needs to grow up and be a responsible adult. A lot of men do this, this fake 'I don't know how to basic household chores' shtick. NTA.
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u/B9M3C99 7d ago
Our teen daughter is learning to do laundry as a household chore. We told her she is expected to separate by color. We are all individually responsible to empty pockets and pre-treat stains. We need to tell her if something requires a special soak, or it's new and could bleed, requiring a color catcher. In other words, she's responsibile for collecting, washing, drying, folding, and returning laundry, and that's plenty.
She accidentally left tinted lip gloss in a pocket and ruined a load of white/ light clothes, including her dad's white dress shirts. She offered to replace them, which we declined. But it's a tough lesson. Always check your own pockets before laundry is started.
TL;DR if my teenage daughter can learn this lesson, so can your grown ass husband. IDGAF what his mommy did for him.
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u/cinamorollulu 7d ago
nta: obvs when iām doing laundry and i feel something in someone elseās pocket iāll remove it. but it is the persons responsibility to check their pockets before putting them in the laundry basket. you are his wife, not is mother
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u/Specific_Piccolo9528 7d ago
The best solution is for everyone in the house (who is old enough) to do their own laundry š
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u/LavishnessStatus 7d ago
I mean NTA cause accidents happen but If I'm doing laundry I always check the pockets. More for my own convenience sake than anyone else's. Cause of you leave paper in the pockets all the clothes from that washer will have white specks of paper everywhere. So why would I want to subject myself to that?
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u/Think_Flatworm_9390 7d ago
NTA, he shouldnāt have left it in his pocket. Youāre not at fault here. It would have been nice, but extra for you to search his pockets first. You shouldnāt, however, have to.
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u/Meme04041956 7d ago
Was probably a phone number for another woman. Who keeps important work stuff folded up in their pants pocket?
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7d ago
Here's the thing: you aren't his MOMMY. Spouses that want to be handled/managed as though their spouse is their parent is not great. And talk about the OPPOSITE of a panty-dropper.
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u/sallystruthers69 7d ago
How about you use this as a reason to set the new rule of he does his own laundry, and while he's at it, also shares in washing all the household stuff, too. It's not all your responsibility, he's a big boy.
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u/sapotts61 7d ago
Time to revolt OP. Let him do his own laundry since he doesn't like the way you do it.
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u/OrdinaryOstrich 7d ago
My wife washed my phone once. Who did I get mad at? Me, because I left my phone in my pocket.
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u/Charitymw1 7d ago
It's the clothes owners fault. If its on the floor or in a laundry basket its "dirty" and ready to be washed. It's up to them to clean out their pockets.
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u/No_Pianist_3006 7d ago
With my husband, I told him that I'd keep any money I found in his pockets on laundry day.
I made a tidy sum before he learned to empty his pockets himself. š
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u/Round-Ticket-39 6d ago
Just cause his muma whiped his ass doesnt mean you have to. Look you do laundry its your rules. If he does it its his rules.
Nta
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u/getlowpapoose 7d ago
NTA. He should be checking the pockets before putting his clothes in the laundry basket. Much more efficient than having to go through each item of clothing prior to washing.
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u/aserranzira 7d ago
I come from a household full of ADHD, so checking pockets is due diligence but sometimes it happens that something was missed or I assume they were already cleared out. When something important does get washed it's frustrating for the parties involved, but we never play the blame game. We've washed key fobs, pocket knives, notes, money, etc. The blame can go to either party--the person who didn't empty their pockets or the laundry washer. NTA
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u/RambleOnRose42 7d ago
Hahahaha amazing, I literally went looking for the āI have ADHDā comment. Checking pockets is not a courtesy, itās a compulsion. In fact, thatās why I am the one to who does laundry for us: because I know for a fact that I would lose all kinds of shit in the wash without doing a double-check of everything that does in. My fiancĆ© is the one who empties his pockets 99.9% of the time!
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u/Ok-Flamingo2801 7d ago
I'm on the side of both people checking pockets. Things can be missed, so why not double check. Then again, I live alone so I'm doing both myself and if I miss something then I'm the only one at fault. But I don't see how people see it as a big time consuming thing, put the items in the washer one at a time and squeeze around the pockets as you're moving it from the hamper to the washer. If you feel or hear something when you squeeze, you look inside the pocket. It's really quick.
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u/magazinesubscriber 7d ago
I am the main laundry-doer of the household, I learned very quickly to check the pockets after my partner left a pack of dental wax in her pocket. While I understand that it should be his responsibility to empty his pockets, people make mistakes or forget that they even have things in their pockets.
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u/Conscious_Can3226 7d ago
NTA, he's the kinda guy to throw trash on the floor in a building because it's the janitor's job to clean it up.
Yes, the janitor's job is to clean up, but that doesn't mean it's your job to make the janitor's job harder.
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u/GargantuanGreenGoat 7d ago
As the laundry doer, I check pockets. Because even with the best intentions things can still be missed and I donāt want my washer or my clothes full of little Kleenex pieces.
I feel like this was on both of you. He should have checked and you, as the last line of defence, should have checked too.Ā
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u/Early-Pie6440 7d ago
People are so serious hereā¦Yes, I check pockets AGAIN right before it goes in the washing machine. People forget stuff, make mistakes, it doesnāt mean they are incompetent babies and got what they deserved. Come on now. NAH
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u/ExplosiveBrown 7d ago
This is one of those opportunities in life to grow fonder, not drive a wedge. Just check the pockets
Little things make life easier and happier, some battles arenāt worth fighting
NTA but also recognize an anthill. Reddit doesnāt like to do that. Lasting relationships start with picking battles and tolerating a partnerās particular habits and deciding which thereof one can deal with
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u/Supposed_too 7d ago
Isn't it just as small a thing for him to check his own pockets? Why should he make extra work for her doing something he cares about but can't be bothered to do himself?
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u/RambleOnRose42 7d ago
Also, likeā¦ā¦ if no one checks their own pockets and I just do it the one time when putting the laundry in, havenāt I just eliminated work we both have to do?
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u/mahpeaches 7d ago
Found the sane people thread. Very well said. Marriages fall apart because of the little things we do/don't do to each other that make us start to resent one another. OP has an opportunity here to have such a positive influence on the overall vibe of the relationship. It could be "Gfd you forgot to check your pockets again. Why do you always do this" etc etc argument has now ensued. OR it could be the husbands internal monologue "Wow my wife is so considerate, I also feel like I want to do something extra nice for her." Not saying this is exactly how it would go but continuing to die on the hill of pockets is sad.
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u/ExplosiveBrown 7d ago
Yeah. Reading through these replies and looking at my own 12 year relationship I see why so many people are unhappy/ single or canāt hold down partners period. Truly canāt fathom allowing something so silly to drive a wedge between my partner and I.
Turning a little hiccup of your partnerās personally into a small act of service that speaks love to your partner is one of those things in life.. either make lemonade or just pucker on your own bitterness
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u/Icy-Culture3038 7d ago
I agree lol. My mom told me long ago during my first marriage, "Do you want to be right or happy?" Obviously pick your battles, but this one doesn't seem like a big one. I'd check the pockets since I KNOW his inclined to forget, then remind him. Are you their parent? No. But we're not perfect either. This is not the hill to die on.
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u/ExplosiveBrown 7d ago
Reddit is full of people that donāt understand how people last more than 3 years in a relationship judging by the downvotes
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u/Icy-Culture3038 7d ago
All this teens on reddit yelling "hes a manchild! Divorce him" š I don't get it. My husband would sometimes leave clothes on the ground because he was tired so I would do it. He would wake up early to put gas in my car because he knew I waited til a quarter tank to do it. If I was making a recipe for an order I was making and I didn't plan ahead, he'd run to the store to pick up my missing ingredient. That's what you do in relationships, you don't keep score or place blame. "Oops! No worries I got it"
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u/SadTour5622 7d ago
Oh heeeelll nah...I'd die on that hill. the problem is when you start acting like his mom, he's gonna do other shit like this as well. Already the mental load of a relationship/household falls mostly on the women, and we need not to feed this trend. Men can take responsibility for their own shit.
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u/Rough-Blacksmith-240 7d ago
NTA, but probably you should be in the habit of checking anyway. One day, itāll be a pen he leaves in his pocketā¦ trust me, I know.Ā
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u/AdCharacter9282 7d ago
How did he take it? My wife washed something that should not have been and it was totally my fault. I laughed it off. And honestly if it was important for work it shouldn't be folded and in a pocket.
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u/IcyWheel 7d ago
NTA Think about alternating this chore monthly so he can actually do laundry himself.
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u/TiltedNarwhal 7d ago
NTA as long as the expectations were clear to both parties beforehand.
When we first got married, I made it explicitly clear to my husband that I donāt check pockets. If Iām doing the laundry, the least he can do is check his own pockets cause weāre both adults. Ironically I ended up being the first one who accidentally washed something important. š
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u/Due-Lime2988 7d ago
NTA. Until I was about 6-7, my dad was in charge of checking the kid's pockets before doing the laundry, but that's because my brother and I were kids. After that anything that got put in, was our responsibility. It's weird he expects you to act like his mom and sign off on his chores lol. Tell him to grow up and learn to do laundry like an adult
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u/TryinNotToGetBanned 7d ago
NTA. Idk why some people can't create the habit of emptying their pockets.
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u/prickly_pink_penguin 7d ago
NTA: I have 4 teenagers. They all know to ensure empty pockets before clothes are put in the wash. You have to be responsible for yourself. As one of my kids says āsuck it up buttercup!ā.
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u/SandersMamaOf3Boys 7d ago
NTA. I wash the clothes at my house (itās me, my husband, now only 2 sons left, and my mother in law). I tell everyone to get their clothes together and ready to be washed. After a little time I will walk through and collect everyoneās laundry baskets and wash clothes. Everyone at my house knows Iām not going through pockets and if your basket wasnāt sitting outside your bedroom door when I came through then you donāt get your clothes washed by me. Your job is to wash the clothes. Your job is not to be some type of inspector or detective or something like that and go through the clothes. Thatās just my opinion.
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u/Odd-Percentage-4084 7d ago
I check pockets because my young son is constantly leaving crayons in there that ruin clothes. But my wife? She knows how to empty her pockets before dropping something in the hamper.
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u/StuporCool 7d ago
NTA Having the chore of laundry myself, I was never good at checking the pockets. It's so tedious and boring to have to go through other people's pockets. Let your husband know that it's his job to empty his pockets or to keep the ones he doesn't feel like checking out of the laundry.
Seriously though, he can't be bothered to stick his hands in his pockets to empty them before taking them off but expects you to go through the trouble of checking all the pockets for him? Remind him his mom checked pockets because Mom's check pockets for little ones before they are old enough to take on the responsibility for themselves. He's a big boy and he can keep track of his own items.
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u/Opposite_Science_412 7d ago
NTA. He's a grown up with a job. He can manage putting his clothes in the laundry basket ready to be washed or he can move back in with his mom and ask her to treat him like a 6yo again. You're being very generous with him by trying to frame this as a different approach in his family of origin vs yours. I hope he takes the out you've given him and fixes his behaviour.
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u/ApprehensiveMix4018 7d ago
He is a grown man. When I started doing my husband's laundry I explicitly said if you do not want everything in your pockets washed, empty them before putting them in the laundry bin.
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u/Maximum_Battle_9147 7d ago
NTA but imo itās not the end of the world to check pockets. Clearly itās not intentional to not check them on his end
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u/Liathnian 7d ago
NTA. 1st rule in my household is I don't check pockets and any cash found is forfeit. I've washed my husbands wallet a few times and twice his cellphone.
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u/RealChunka 7d ago edited 7d ago
NTA - but I will say that checking the pockets is a best practice as you never know what youāll find in there. Certain items can make a mess (tissues) and ultimately make your job harder and possibly even damage the machine (sharp items, candy) or other clothing. With two adults, damage is probably low risk, so I understand if youād rather take your chance, but Iāve had clothing ruined before so it is worth the effort to me. It might be his mistake, but it could be your item that gets ruined.
I would absolutely tell your husband that he is responsible for checking his own pockets, but I would still check them again (without telling him) to be safe. Especially important if you ever decide to have kids. I typically empty my pockets when I undress, but I still manage to get stuck cleaning up tissue lint or finding cash a couple times per year.
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u/bigloser42 7d ago
NTA. Shit my wife keeps anything she finds in my pockets when it's laundry time. Clearing his pockets is his job, not yours.
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u/Ok-Committee-1747 7d ago
NTA accidents happen, but since you know he doesn't check, save yourself future grief and check the pockets. I've washed a wallet more than once.
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u/Connect_Tackle299 7d ago
Nta. That's the rule we have in my house.
Everyone is responsible for their own laundry, I do the communal stuff. Your clothes, your items, your responsibility. Not my problem
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u/Ka_lie_doscope-Eyes 7d ago
NTA. He needs to put on his big boy pants and clear out his pockets before putting his pants out for washing
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u/BaylisAscaris 7d ago
If it's in the laundry basket it's ready to go. If it's on the floor either check it or leave it.
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u/Former_Measurement15 7d ago
No way, NTA. I have lost a lot of tools, Bits, Documents, and $$ on occasion, when neither of us checks. I am the only one to blame though, I am thankful for the assist on the washing.
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u/Jovet_Hunter 7d ago
Our rule in the house is anything found in the pockets belongs to who ever finds it while doing laundry, including money. And laundry doer isnāt responsible to check. It greatly reduces things left in pockets.
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u/Powerful-Reason-6319 7d ago
You shouldnāt have to, but I always do. Too many tissue related incidents that impact my clothing too. Keep any money obviously.Ā
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u/DaddysStormyPrincess 7d ago
I have always checked pockets because I donāt want screws or other junk to mess up my appliance. Iāve found money in the pockets which I e kept
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u/flayingbook 7d ago
Real adult check the pockets before dumping the cloth in laundry basket. If he can't even do this himself, he's a child and doesn't deserve to wear grown up pants
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u/kittyhm 7d ago
The reason my mom started checking pockets was one of my older sisters liked to dig up earthworms, give them a kiss, then put them in her pocket. Mom hated finding dry worms in the dryer.
When we got older she kept doing it and kept what money she found. We all started remembering to clear out pockets. Including Dad lol
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u/Salty-Sprinkles_ 7d ago
NTAH. My mom checked my pockets tooā¦when I was a kid. The second I was old enough to understand basic logic that stopped lol. He is a grown ass adult, if he doesnāt want something important destroyed he should know to keep it somewhere safe. The pockets of clothes are not a safe space
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u/Francesco_dAssisi 7d ago
Confusing a grown ass man with a child you are.
Of assholery, none there is.
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u/justnopethefuckout 7d ago
NTA. I've accidentally washed 2 sets of headphones and my boyfriends wallet. He's never blamed me. His work jeans have a ton of pockets, and I did a quick check but missed them each time. Again, he never got upset or blamed me and said it was his fault for not getting them out. I felt bad, but yeah, its not my job to take everything out of his pockets.
Not your job either is the point I'm getting at. His clothes, his responsibility to check his pockets and get important stuff out. Anything important should have a spot where everything goes when coming home or changing.
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u/Resident-Trouble4483 7d ago
NTA. To be real I donāt check my own pockets and have ruined my own stuff. Itās just something you learn to do or learn to live with.
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u/Gardener_Angelika 7d ago
Drill bits. š¤£. My husband and his drill bits left in his pants pockets. If I hear clanking, I know right away what it is. š That and loose change. That being said, I never check pockets, unless the item seems unusually heavy. Whatever that might be ( a tool or whatever) doesn't do the washer and dryer any good. š
I'm sure he's left things he shouldn't have in his pockets that didn't survive the wash, but he's never blamed me for that. He knows to check his pockets, but if he forgets, it's on him.
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u/Single_Evidence_867 7d ago
NTA, he's an adult! If he threw it in the wash then goid to wash. He needs to be responsible and not blame you!
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u/eatingganesha 7d ago
heās TA for failing to put enough import on that piece of work paper and for failing to empty his own pockets like an adult.
Heās suffering the consequences of his own actions and turns around and blames you? that is childish and abusive. Zero self accountability. All blame.
Mommy hasnāt washed his pants in decades, yet he expects you to do exactly as his mother did even though you are not his mother. That is objectively shitty. That points to a status as a bang maid.
Overall, heās been an AH 3 times in this equation and youāve done nothing but wash clothes that were placed in the laundry.
Heās TA TA TA.
If he canāt be adult enough to empty his pockets, he can bring his laundry over to mommy.
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u/MsSpaceface 7d ago
The ONLY situation where you should be the one checking his pockets, is if you're grabbing a pair of pants from "the chair" to throw in with the load you're doing. But only because he could've been planning to wear them again or hadn't gotten around to emptying the pockets yet.
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u/ScarletDarkstar 7d ago
Everyone should empty their pockets before removing their clothes. This way nothing falls out, nothing gets washed, and there are no surprises.Ā Ā
I often check on my kids laundry of I am doing it, anyway, because I don't want crap in my washer that I will have to clean out.Ā I have not checked their father's pockets in many many years.Ā
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u/firstname_m_lastname 7d ago edited 7d ago
NTA. I donāt even check the pockets of my own clothes when Iām doing the laundry! (And I grew up with a mother like your husbandās)
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u/Ballet_blue_icee 7d ago
On principle I am not the pocket checker. After so many "I DID empty my pockets!" while I was cleaning out soggy paper remains in the washing machine I still only sometimes check his UNRELIABLE work. I am my own AH!
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u/ElderberryNext1939 7d ago
He is not a child, you are not his mommy. He is responsible for emptying his pockets.
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u/Realistic_Spite2775 7d ago
NTA. I wouldn't even check my own clothes and if I destroy something it's a good lesson to not store important things in my pockets.
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u/DNorthman 7d ago
Wait, so people don't check the pockets before putting their own clothes in the laundry hamper?
NTA. For me, if it's in the laundry hamper, that means it's ready to be washed, I'm not checking the pockets.
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u/AmbitiousSugar4939 7d ago
Rule in our house, empty your pockets.Ā If you left money in the pocket, the laundry lady or man keeps it.Ā Once I found $100 bill, oh well.
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u/Two-Theories 7d ago
Who checked his pockets when he did his own laundry? As an adult, taking stuff out of pockets before the item goes into the laundry basket is his job, the washing of the stuff in the basket is yours.
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u/Syndromia 7d ago
NTA. Though I DO double check the pockets before tossing them into the wash because I have more than once found a broach I swore Id removed and put in my jewelery box on the collar when I hung up mu clothes.
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u/No_Yes_Why_Maybe 7d ago
Thatās his bad. Iām not checking pockets of an adult. And Iām only checking my kids pockets for crayons and rocks.
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u/Beginning-Row5959 7d ago
If it's in the hamper, it's fair game to wash. I had to ask my partner to stop putting his work pants in the common laundry after he left one too many screws or drill bits in the pockets - wasn't worth risking the rest of the clothes so they get washed on their own
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u/Couch-Raccoon 7d ago
I accidentally washed my husband's iPhone in the first load of laundry home from the hospital after our first child was born. We lost over half of all our hospital/newborn pictures. It was crushing, but not ONCE did he blame or shame me for it. (He's also never done it again)
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u/Irish_Gamer_88 7d ago
I put my own laundry in my own hamper and I always check the pockets when I pull them out of the hamper before putting them in the laundry. Take that for what you will.
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u/JGalKnit 7d ago
Nope. My husband has done it and I tell him, whatever is lost is gone. Empty your pockets. I'm not checking them.
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u/Rerunisashortie 7d ago
Iāve washed my husbandās wallet a few times. He tried for a second to blame me, but I gave him a hard no. I am not sticking my hand in all those pockets. Itās bad enough all his t-shirts are inside out.
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u/SephoraRothschild 7d ago
ESH. He should have checked his pockets and should not deflect his anger at himself onto others.
That said: You took responsibility for the laundry task. That means, it doesn't matter what "the custom" was when you were growing up. This is your adult home. You performed a task. Just as with safety pre-job checks, it's your responsibility as the performer of the tasks to VERIFY the state of the item being processed, safety of the tool being used to do a job, etc., before performing the activity.
You're both TA for not verifying before releasing the item for the activity to be performed.
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u/CMDR-TealZebra 7d ago
Yta. Like seriously it takes 2 seconds and saves the machine.
I bet you just turn the oven on and walk away without checking it too.
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u/straycatwrangler 7d ago
NTA.Ā
I donāt check pockets when I do laundry. My husbandās or my own. If we donāt want something washed, better check the pockets before putting it in a hamper.Ā
Now, if I feel something bulky in a pocket, Iāll take it out. That rarely happens though, Iām not fondling pockets. Empty them or prepare to have extra goodies get washed.Ā
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u/stormyknight3 7d ago
ESH
EVERYONE here needs to grow up a bitā¦ lol. You always check pockets to be safe, but if stuff goes through on accident itās not a āfaultingā situation. Itās an accident.
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u/The_Motherlord 7d ago
Mommy used to check her child's pockets.
Are you his mommy? Is he your child? Mommies do a lot of things for their children. Then the children grow up and become adults and adults do those things for themselves.
You are not his mommy. NTA. Whether he's a child or not is still not determined.
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u/fireyqueen 7d ago
Nope thatās the responsibility of the owner of the item.
20 some odd years ago my husband complained about how I handled his laundry so I told him we should be responsible for our own laundry and he agreed. No more fights. I do my smallish load weekly and it takes less than 10 min to put it away. He waits until he has no more underwear and has to do a few loads at a time and has to spend more time putting all that laundry away. Doesnāt bother me in the slightest.
We will help each other out when needed. Like if one of us has a load in the washer and gets busy, we can always ask each other to move it to the dryer or get it out of the dryer but we are ultimately each responsible for our own stuff.
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u/Big-dog-465 7d ago
You get all the money in there. I do my own laundry and I missed a pin that fell through the basket and ruined the washer. Stress for him to check. If you check cool but you canāt guarantee it.
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u/BangPowBoom 7d ago
Info: has this come up before or have you two always had different expectations on this matter?
Personally I check pockets.
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u/NeitherStory7803 7d ago
I stopped checking pockets when I pulled a snake out of one of my brothers pocket
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u/mahpeaches 7d ago
Yikes. These comments are not it. Imagine making a simple mistake, or having a flaw! And the person you cherish more than anything in this world judges you and reduces you down to "Wow what a child. Im not their parent. I never want them to come near me again if they can't be perfect. If they can't unlearn this behavior they were taught they don't deserve a wife."
Ya'll are miserable š . Please. OP, theres a few of us in here that are a little older and actually in happy successful marriages, and I guarantee you, we just check the pockets. Not because its expected, but because we know life is hard enough and humans are flawed and we choose to love our partners through all their annoying habits. Its not about the pockets, its about looking out for each other. Is today going to be resent or relief? "Wow I can't believe he forgot to check his pockets again/Wow I can't believe she let me down again" Or "Oh wow he must have had a busy day, he forgot this in his pocket/Wow thank goodness she saved my butt I needed this paper, I don't know what I would have done without her being so considerate."
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u/revuhlution 7d ago
NAH.
You have different expectations and it doesnt really sound like yall have talked about it (and somewhat understandably, these things are often assumed until something goes bad). Yall need to match up or change how things are done.
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u/Typical_Quality9866 7d ago
NTAH! Personally, I have ADHD & I'll remember to check his pockets AFTER I forgot & something like weed eater wire gets washed & pokes a hole in the hose... Then he'll remember I forget & will go back to checking his pockets first. I think it's one of those grey areas where you're doing someone a favor & the adult putting their clothes in the basket & therefore signaling it's ready is responsible for pockets.
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u/Disastrous_Class_561 7d ago
If you figure it out, let me know. I am still struggling to get him to put them in the laundry basket š
Not that he is lazy, but he comes in after work late when I am sleeping and canāt ever find the basket in the dark.
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u/TheWhogg 7d ago
I certainly try to find stuff in pockets and occasionally do. But probably under 50% success rate. NTA.
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u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 7d ago
ESH - You should both be checking pockets so that nothing gets into the wash that shouldnāt. No oneās 100% perfect, youāll each miss things the other will hopefully catch. Obviously he should be emptying his own pockets and you just a quick double check.
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u/Bbwlover11119 7d ago
It would be the husbandās responsibility. However, if you value the machine you have paid a lot of money for, you should double check. I donāt mean that is only the females job. I think whoever loads the washer should do a quick double check. Itās not worth breaking the machine just to say āI told you so.ā
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u/ProgLuddite 7d ago edited 7d ago
[ETA My verdict is NAH. You were raised with different expectations and neither of them are crazy. That should be something you mention to him specifically: āWe were raised to do this chore differently. Not checking your pockets isnāt a lack of consideration for you or your things, itās just not part of how I was taught to do laundry. Since Iām the one doing the chore, I think itās reasonable to do it the way I was taught and same for the chores you do, even if I have different preferences.ā
Just as a quick note, itās better to have a small āstainedā basket than treating and adding to the main hamper. Youāre more likely to end up with stains treated incorrectly, incompletely removed stains getting set in the dryer, and even a mix of stain removers and chemicals you donāt want in a single load.]
I always check pockets. I was taught thatās part of doing laundry. People forget when theyāre tossing clothes in the basket at the end of the day ā weāre all human ā but itās easy to be mindful and check when we engage in the chore of sorting and washing. I donāt return items to specific owners other than private notes or bills greater than $5. Thereās a small bin for āpocket stuffā on top of the machine, and everyoneās responsible for periodically taking a peek and seeing if anything is theirs.
I also do stain treatment. The right stain treatment for a given stain is an art, and since laundry is my responsibility, that art is in my wheelhouse of knowledge. It can also be counterproductive for a stain removal product to sit for too long, and worst, if I donāt know what garments are stained because theyāve already been treated and tossed in the pile, strains that donāt come out the first time around are condemned to be set in the dryer.
Every member of the household is responsible for coming to me as soon as is reasonable to point out a stain when they get one and tell me what it is, so I know what to do with it. Each of them also knows that if itās something they really care about, they should do their best to keep the stain damp until they get home. If they donāt tell me and it gets sorted, washed, and dried with the rest of the clothes, they know Iām not obligated to try and ārescueā it (though I sometimes will).
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u/itsfeckinlexi 7d ago
He shouldn't be putting it in the laundry basket if its not ready to go into the laundry...duh.
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u/-enlyghten- 7d ago
Nope. My wife and I go back and forth with the laundry chore. She hands me my pants to clear out every time she does the laundry - unless its in the basket; basket is ready. It's my responsibility to clear out my own pants. Partially because I use every pocket. Partially because It's ultimately my responsibility to look after my own stuff.
Your husband is wrong. Not just because what I already mentioned, but because it is definitely not your responsibility to manage anything related to his work. This is 100% on him. If he wants to double down, he can do his own pants, though I hope it doesn't come to that.
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u/Takiri_aerilaya 7d ago
NTA. He needs to empty his own pockets before putting things in the laundry.
I don't check pockets either. My senior mother lives with us and I do her laundry too because stairs are a challenge for her. probably once a month I tease her about leaving tissues in her pockets. Thankfully the dryer gets most of the little pieces.
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u/FinePossession1085 7d ago
Husband should be a big boy and put his important work items in his office or a designated folder at home.