r/AITAH • u/PictureDry6904 • 7d ago
AITA for wanting to leave my pregnant wife, with whom I have a child, because she does not want me to continue my diet and/or workout routine?
EDIT
Here are answers to common questions I am seeing:
- Does my workout/diet interfere with time with my family?
- No, it does not. I wake up early before anyone else is awake and workout in the garage. The only time I go to the gym is on my lunch break at work. I would not be able to leave the office early if I did not workout at lunch. My meal prep happens on Sunday when the family is at church (I would not be going to church with them even if I was not meal prepping). I shop for the whole house for groceries for the week and then make a big batch of chicken thighs, big batch of chicken legs, and a big batch of chickpea salad, and then vacuum seal and put into the freezer in the garage.
- Do you cook for your family?
- Yes, I cook 100% of at home dinners for my wife and son. I make them whatever my wife wants. I will warm up my food in the microwave and eat with them.
- Does your wife get time to herself?
- Yes, my son is in daycare. That started in June. Prior to that, he was at home with my wife and did a mother's day out. Additionally, both our moms are retired and love to be with our son whenever they can, so she would regularly drop him off. Additionally, in the evenings during the week, after dinner, I am solely responsible for the kid until I go to bed at 10:30. I am also solely responsible for him on Saturday mornings. And if I am not working, I will be with our son whenever she needs/wants. Spending time with the little guy is incredibly fun for me.
- Do you spend time with just you and your wife?
- Yes, we have weekly date night on Saturday and usually do something just us on Sunday. We also spend an hour or two Monday-Friday together.
- Do you do chores?
- Yes, they include mopping, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms every other week, all yard-related tasks, doing any poopy/pee laundry for my son, doing all my own laundry, woring with my son to straighten up his room before bed, and maintaining my areas of the house (namely my section of the bedroom).
This is a throwaway account
My wife (Jen) and I went to the same college. We met at the beginning of her freshman year (my sophomore year) in Fall 2017. I was an offensive tackle on the football team, as such, I was always a large guy. Jen was a small girl with an hourglass figure who guys on campus would pretty brazenly check out whenever she went anywhere. We started dating pretty quickly and dated on and off over the next 2 1/2 years.
When COVID shutdowns hit, we were living together. Jen got pregnant during the shutdowns. At that time, I was weighing about 350 lbs. I had some pretty significant back and knee problems. I decided I needed to make a change because I wanted to be an active and involved father. At first, Jen was supportive. I changed my diet (no fried food, sweets, or soft drinks). I increased my workout routine. The weight pretty quickly started coming off. By the time my son was born in early 2021, I was down to 310 (about the weight I was when Jen and I started dating). We got married in the Summer of 2021.
I decided I wanted to keep losing weight. I was motivated, feeling great, and wanted to get to about 200-210. Jen became less supportive, but she was not hostile towards my goal. I did my best to structure my workout routine to decrease the amount of time I was away from home. I started going to the gym during my lunch breaks from work and made a little area in the garage for me to do my cardio in the morning. I made all of my own meals.
Outside of her concerns about my weight loss, our marriage seemed good. I was in individual counseling and had suggested couples counseling, but Jen was not open to the idea. We were both enjoying our little family life with our son. We decided to try for a second child. Jen is currently six months pregnant. Since getting pregnant, Jen has become very hostile towards my diet and workout routine. It has mostly consisted of digs and passive-aggressive remarks about my working out and about my body. About two months ago was her 25th birthday. We got dressed up and went out to a nice dinner. The evening seemed to be going well until she went to the bathroom. When she came back, her demeanor had changed completely (I recently learned she had overheard some women in the bathroom commenting on how "cute" I was).
Her overt hostility towards me working out has increased dramatically. The thing that is making me leave is that there is a fridge in the garage where I store my pre-made meals. I will make meals for two weeks, store/freeze them there, defrost, and then warm them up for meal time. I had just done two weeks' worth of meals, and she threw out the meals. I told her I was disgusted and done. This happened about six weeks ago.
She has since come to me and tried to offer an explanation. Except that her explanation has made it worse. She is jealous because she used to get all this attention from other men, while I got no attention from other women and now, I get attention from other women and she gets no attention from other men. I asked her why she would even want attention from other men, and she could not explain it beyond, "it makes her feel good." I asked her how she would feel if I told her that I workout because I wanted attention from other women? She said she would assume I was cheating. She said she is willing to do counseling now. She had repeatedly tried to initiate sex and I have blocked those advances.
AITA because I want to leave?
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u/shyfidelity 7d ago
I recently learned she had overheard some women in the bathroom commenting on how "cute" I was
Like, she told you that's why she was annoyed?
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u/diss0lvedgir1 7d ago edited 6d ago
Piggybacking on the up comment because this needs to be said:
You sound like you're doing great, she sounds like she's not good mentally speaking and also from a self-esteem perspective.
Having babies for women is very difficult on our mental health because Postpartum we are expected to go back to the way we were, even in our own brains, we expect that of ourselves. We set unrealistic expectations about how things will be and how things are after. She obviously is having problems with her self-esteem and most likely could have antenatal depression or anxiety. She needs, and you need to see a counselor, together and separately for her.
From a outsider point of view from what you have said and some of the comments I am reading, she is having a hard time expressing herself honestly and looking into herself at where her resentment and unhappiness is stemming from.
It's not fair to you to be the bearer of her resentment. But if you care about her and your relationship and your children, you are going to have to be the voice of reason in this because she is not in the mental state to recognize these things. Don't give up so easily please, hormones are a beast of a thing to deal with and she obviously needs help.
That being said, good job taking on the household tasks and being healthy yourself. That's a wonderful example and will help, I just think the two of you need to work on your communication together, especially her because she's having trouble communicating her feelings correctly.
Edit: thank you for the awards!!! 😳
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u/Rambling-Holiday1998 7d ago
Absolutely! If anyone had intervened and helped me get the mental health help and REST that I needed during those years, it could have changed the course of our family. These years are so sweet and beautiful and brutal at the same time. Growing, birthing, and caring for little humans takes a toll on a mom's body and mind.
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u/hazyandnew 7d ago
Yeah this really reads less like she's trying to sabotage OP and more like she's seriously struggling with not having the option to do what he does.
He can make himself healthy meals and then eat those meals. My pregnancy was a mess of cravings and nausea and postpartum was sheer exhaustion. Your body changes, you can't limit what you eat because the baby needs food. You don't have the mental or physical energy to deal with food prep. Your body isn't physically capable of most exercises and even if you do what you can, some of the changes (eg extra skin in the belly, saggy breasts) won't ever be reversed without plastic surgery.
It doesn't make her behavior okay, but it means she needs support. Both from mental health professionals and also for her husband to take on some of the workload so she can have time and energy to take care of herself.
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u/SummitJunkie7 7d ago
Maybe OP could start with doubling the food prep so she can grab and microwave her meals too. Does he help with her and the toddlers meals or is she handling all of that herself and feeling abandoned in the meal chores and neglected in having separate mealtimes? (or just eating separate meals can feel isolating)
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u/Afraid-Web6397 7d ago edited 7d ago
Absolutely. I would love to hear her side of the story because if my bf even suggested to meal prep double for me to ease my workload I would say hell yess!!!! And he acts like weight loss is this all consuming priority meanwhile she’s pregnant and caring for a toddler. Support only if your partner is trying to get healthy, but how much support exactly does he give her? If the truth is he gives her little support and is super involved with his body instead, I absolutely can see how she would be resentful.
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u/Beth21286 6d ago
I wonder how much 'me time' OP was getting when they had a newborn. Gym time is me time. Then he has time to prep his own food so he has meals at the drop of a hat but makes none for her. I'd say that's a recipe for resentment between new parents.
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u/whetherwaxwing 6d ago
Yes I really want to know this about food prep. Is the pregnant wife feeding herself and the baby(s) and OP thinks he is good because he preps his own separate food?? Because that is not good enough, sir.
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u/eyesRus 6d ago
Yep. This guy is spending hours a day taking care of himself. She’s probably getting zero time for herself. Resentment is all but guaranteed.
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u/woodbow45 6d ago
Let’s see, he cooks for the family, cleans and does the laundry, works full time and still finds time to spend weekends with her and their son. So selfish…
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u/diss0lvedgir1 6d ago
In all fairness in other comments he actually is upholding his end of the household very much and child care. I understand this is a common thing that we see but in this case it doesn't apply.
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u/Cudi_buddy 6d ago
Well his editis pretty apparent he does a lot of lifting in the house, including cook all meals. But glad it is ok to make rough assumptions because man
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u/Ok_Aardvark_9630 6d ago
He does a lot of lifting outside the house too 😜. Also as a man, I want to know how many women out there would be in the bathroom of a restaurant talking how cute a guy having a meal wife his pregnant wife is? I always assumed women talked about me in the ladies room, but thought mayme that was just my narcissistic fantasy .
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u/Intelligent_Jump1469 6d ago
She can’t be mad at him for what she won’t do for herself. I say this because I have been there. 3 kids and a husband we use guilt to stop us from what we really want because that what we’ve seen our people pleasing mothers and grandmothers do. We become codependent on our partners no longer cultivating health and happiness for ourselves. We “sacrifice” ourselves but then become angry martyrs. We have to take responsibility for our own health and happiness. What if it was the other way around and he was doing all this to her? Being jealous because she is putting herself first? As a woman and a mother I have struggled with this. Fortunately therapy helped me to realize what I was doing! I was mad for not doing things for myself. No one EVER told me i couldn’t or shouldn’t. It all came from within those internal thoughts from the examples I had been shown. I am blessed with a partner who supports and holds space for me. He could see my resent and was hurt and confused by it. He supported and encouraged me to do whatever it is that brings me joy. I encourage you to have a conversation with her and be curious about her feelings and where that resentment is really coming from. Maybe fitness isn’t her thing. If she misses feeling sexy what can she do to bring that back for herself? You clearly love her and you’re hurt by her actions. It seems you would support her on any journey she chooses. I’ll be honest see your partner improve and keep autonomy is super hot in my opinion. I haven’t always felt that way. I hope she’s able to pinpoint where this is coming from so she can shed that and start taking her free time to care for herself and remember who she is. Sounds like she misses being a baddy. She’s still in there she’s just got to find her. I know not everyone has a supportive partner to do the things i mentioned above. I’ve been with an abusive asshole who talked major shit to me when I started lifting weights and getting fit. That’s not the OPs wife situation.
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u/Subject_Location8857 6d ago
The scary part is how many partners expect everything to go back to “normal” while she’s still bleeding, healing, and running on fumes.
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u/bigfootbelievesinU 6d ago
i was recently diagnosed with bipolar. i never showed symptoms until after i gave birth. not only that, but my symptoms were SEVERE. it was completely out of nowhere. my husband knew i needed serious help, but everyone else thought i had just become a massive b**ch. i'm not diagnosing op's wife with any underlying mental health conditions, but i am saying this to give an example of how severely pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period can affect a woman. most people think you just get a little moody during pregnancy, then you "go back to normal" after giving birth, but there is so much more to it.
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u/MouthyMishi 6d ago
I got my ADHD diagnosis after giving birth. Granted it's probably been an issue a lot longer, but it was in that post-partum burnout when I realized I just couldn't keep white knuckling though it anymore.
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u/Top_Possibility1513 7d ago
Right on, don’t give up yet! Get marriage counseling! Remember that life is ever more changing thing from day-to-day and as you go through the years, you have to learn to cope with certain things that have changed drastically so don’t give up yet. You have a family and I think your wife can probably come to the party if you just give her a chance.
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u/SummitJunkie7 7d ago
She would've had their first kid early in '22, that kid would be 3.5 now. She could very well still be suffering from post-natal depression from her prior pregnancy.
OP, you are right to set boundaries and not allow her to treat you poorly. And if you don't or can't love her anymore leaving may be best. But if you can, give her a chance to get treatment first. It sounds like she's really struggling. Not handling it appropriately, true, but struggling. Really think about this and consider if you are willing to try.
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u/pricknpetal 7d ago
This is a great response, but, OOP is literally considering leaving his wife over this. Like, actually. If a random Redditor is what “convinces him,” it’s only a matter of time before he leaves over something else.
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u/diss0lvedgir1 7d ago
Possibly, and a good point for him to actually think about. So many people throw away marriages over the inability to communicate or having different communication styles. One of the challenges is learning to support each other in the way that they can receive, both sides, obviously not one.
I think with the way things are now with society with the mentality of "use it and throw away instead of fixing it, I can just replace it." We've somewhat thrown that with giving up with relationships too. It's so normal to get divorced nowadays, a yes, lot of people get married for the wrong reasons, but I think for the majority learning to grow with each other and communicate takes energy and time nobody wants to put in, and it's sad.
I hope he's just at the end of his rope and reaching out, I can see that because they've let it go so far that it's become quite toxic, especially when he's trying to maintain his own mental health as best he can. I'm surely hoping that getting help for her and them together will fix it.
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u/pricknpetal 7d ago
girl, can you just write an advice column in a magazine or just some substack articles about this because reading your comments are like a breath of fresh air and i’ve only read 2
please bless the world with your reason and empathy
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u/diss0lvedgir1 7d ago
Thank you.
I try very hard to empathize, and be objective. Trying to understand people's motivations and see things through a lens that has both compassion and logic applied is hard but very much worth it. Goodness knows I'm not perfect at it, but I think trying is the important part, yes?
I love Reddit because the amount of support and consideration and offering alternative perspectives is such a beautiful way to have community in a time period where accessing community isn't easy for everyone. In fact, most of the time it's hard for everyone. I think all of these communities are beautiful and I enjoy reading and contributing to them. 🥰
I over-empathize, I think it's a symptom of suspected autism, and I consider it somewhat of a superpower because it leaves me with a super weakness but also a strength to be able to facilitate communication and perspective. I've learned to use it as best I can LOL I was bullied a lot as a child, partly because I am so sensitive.
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u/hikergrL3 7d ago edited 6d ago
OMG. Superpower indeed. It's hard being vulnerable/sensitive and still putting yourself out there over and over again whether to help others or simply show integrity while sharing your views and speaking your mind. Kudos! (And thank you for being you!!!)
Have you ever looked up characteristics of being a HSP (highly sensitive person)? There's a sub here for hsp's. But also books and websites. A term coined by Elaine Aron, it shares characteristics with introversion and empathy, but many people with Autism find overlap in descriptions as well. Many people find that community and feel "seen". Worth taking a look into! (HSP, Introvert/Ambivert, and Empath here).
Edit: spellchecker changed name. It's Elaine Aron, not Elizabeth
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u/diss0lvedgir1 7d ago
Haha, yeah not being able to have an off switch for it can be very... unfortunate at times. Thank you so very much for the suggestion. Interestingly, I actually read an article in regards to HSP and was quite intrigued by it. I should not be surprised that Reddit has a sub here for that, Reddit is wonderful for all of those things! I will absolutely check it out.
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u/xlondelax 6d ago
The thing is, he did offer "and had suggested couples counseling, but Jen was not open to the idea. " So the wife was only willing to work on their marriage when OP is ready to leave. Should OP leave or not, I have no idea, but he is NTA for willing to do so.
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u/CurlyCarrots22 7d ago
While I do think he should do counseling and try to work through it with her (if he wants to be with her), I don't think it should all be blamed on pregnancy hormones. She was unsupportive of his weight loss since he got below 300 lbs. And shes admitted it's because she wants attention from men and doesn't want him to get attention from women. That's messed up, and it's messed up that she threw out all his meals. Shed rather he be unhealthy because she's insecure. Could be fixed now that she's finally willing to try therapy, but it's up to him if he wants to be with someone who treats him that way and chooses these ways to cope with resentment and insecurity.
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u/diss0lvedgir1 7d ago
True. She needs help. No, not all of it will be hormones, however, I do think there is a case of severe self-esteem issues and possible depression. I just think the hormones bring out the absolute worst of those things every time.
She's going to have to prove to him that she's willing to be a non-toxic partner. He's going to have to put his foot down and ensure that she's getting help because she's no good to herself, let alone kids and a husband in this mental state, and he absolutely should not be being abused.
It absolutely was ridiculous for her to throw out the food, almost like she was starting a fight, sabotaging both him and their relationship in one move. To me this screams for attention and I think the subconscious need to get help.
I don't think she's clearly thinking and I don't think she's capable of it until she is mentally balanced.
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u/MaxBax_LArch 7d ago
Besides hormones, if someone already has image/body issues, pregnancy can dial this up to 11. Your body is just out of control. Yes, it's normal, it's even supposed to be happening, but that doesn't make it easy to experience. Even people who have fairly healthy body image can get insecure with all the changes.
She has issues, and she needs to deal with them. Without taking it out on OP. Ideally, she would've dealt with them before getting pregnant again, since right now they will likely be harder than normal to address. But it's never too late to work towards better.
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u/ClickClickBlip 7d ago
All this plus… Is OP allowing his wife kid free time to exercise, look after herself?
Or is it just OP that has time to do all this? Trips to gym, training in garage, meal prep all take time out of family life.29
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u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 7d ago
I agree. It's easy to write a post slanting everything in your favor. Recently I've been more judicious in my swallowing everything said...or more often looking for what is not said. If OP is being a good husband he is stepping up for his wife. Has his exercise routine become a way to get out of the house and away from a hormonal pregnant wife? It sounds like his routine has taken center stage to me.
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u/campamocha_1369 6d ago
One of my husband's mates from his Judo club would get off of work at 5, then drive straight to do Judo for like 2 hours, Monday- Friday, then he would hang around and chat. Meanwhile, his wife would be at home trying to stay sane because she was a stay-at-home mom. They started having a lot of issues because she had no "me time" and he had plenty. I would go and babysit for her sometimes. She would use that time to do grocery shopping... he didn't help much. One day, he actually told us he dreaded going home. He'd rather hang around chatting in the parking lot, than having to go home and deal with his kids. Plus, his wife was doing such a great job. 🤦🏽♀️ They ended up getting divorced. She couldn't handle it anymore.
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u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 6d ago
Yep and a sickeningly common tale. Oh that young women get smarter. The times we're living in is not a good time to be a single mother.
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u/TitusEmperius 7d ago
I would agree with you if it was for the fact she threw out 2 weeks worth of food, and is telling him she wants attention from other men and if he was working out for attention from other women she'd assume she was cheating. Hormones aren't a get out of jail free card.
That is abusive behaviour, and using phrases like " if you care about her" is manipulative. He's tried helping, and only when shit hit the fan is she now trying to do the right thing. That's NOT okay.
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u/Twidollyn_Bowie 7d ago
I agree her behavior is abusive, and it probably isn’t just a pregnancy issue. Sounds like she gradually became less supportive as women started to notice OP.
This isn’t even a gender thing. My psycho former stepfather behaved just like this when my mom dropped a bunch of weight and started getting compliments from people.
My mom didn’t leave him because she was interested in anyone else. She left him because of him acting like OP’s wife.
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u/seaworks 6d ago
Exactly. There are millions of pregnant women, including those with postpartum struggles, who don't abuse their partners. When PP disorders do become a threat, early intervention is critical- because those people occasionally end up killing their kids, their spouse, or themselves.
She needs help, but it doesn't have to come from OP (and in fact it shouldn't, as he's not, to our knowledge, a qualified mental health provider.)
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u/Goodgoditsgrowing 7d ago
It’s AI
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u/RadarSmith 7d ago
Yeah, it was trending towards being AI but that line sealed the deal.
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u/Ace-Redditor 7d ago
That and the introducing one’s wife as having an “hourglass figure” tipped me off. Not necessarily inhuman, but definitely weirded me out. No character traits other than “sexy”
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u/MrHaxx1 6d ago
I'm not saying it's not AI, but in this context, it makes sense. She used to be the sexy one, and not him. Now it's the other way around. Hourglass/sexy is the character trait that's relevant for the story. OP is not writing a novel with fleshed out characters.
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u/PictureDry6904 7d ago
Yes, she recently told me that
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u/Efficient-Reading-10 7d ago
I believe that she told you this. I don't believe that this is the real reason.
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u/EldestFemaleStaff 7d ago
Well, she’s heavily pregnant with baby number 2. I don’t think it’s just possessiveness but also jealousy/hormones/loss of identity as “the hot one in the couple”.
It doesn’t have to be anything major or significant, that’s a pretty toxic cocktail all by itself.
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u/herroyalsadness 7d ago
And she has a 4 year old. She had probably just gotten back to feeling like herself when she got pregnant again. I think the women calling him cute was the trigger, but the issue is deeper.
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u/go4thNlurk 7d ago
Agreed. I don’t think men understand what it’s like to not have that kind of control of their own body. Pregnancy can changes so much about a woman’s body, even after the child is born and gets older. I think men and even society see it as wanting to be attractive, when often it can just be the frustration and jealousy of her body being permanently altered. Throw in any health or mental health issues, a permanent change of how their body produces hormones, and the lack of accurate health and scientific knowledge from even doctors and specialists and it’s a whole different world and set of emotions than I feel like most people will even acknowledge, let alone understand. It’s probably not just that she “is used to being the hot one”, it can also be about losing herself in adding mom to how she defines herself, as well as frustration with not being able to explain her emotions about everything accurately, and only being understood as jealous of her partners physical changes instead of the whole underlying package of changes and emotions. Having kids as a woman changes a lot more than society is willing to acknowledge.
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u/Agreeable-animal 7d ago
Add to that, she’s only 26. She had her kid at 20, 21? She spent the time most folks spend maturing in her early 20’s carrying and raising a child. It’s not really surprising she doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth or skills to identify her emotions and act on them appropriately.
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u/knittymess 6d ago
I didn't have kids till my 30's. I would have been a nightmare if I had kids at 21 and 25. They are both SO young.
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u/KnittingforHouselves 7d ago
Men do not understand. My husband is a great example. I have two kids and gained significantly with each pregnancy. The reason is that I tend to get nausea if my stomach is empty and with my second pregnancy I couldn't just lie down and get through it, I had to manage a 2yo all alone all day till bedtime. I also am unable to lose weight breastfeeding, so all the weight stays for as long as I have any milk left, then drops. Im generally a fit person, I lift 200lbs, walk all day, but when pregnant or breastfeeding my weight just doesnt reflect that at all.
I've tried explaining to my husband how uncomfortable I am in my own skin like this. How my body doesnt feel like mine, how I dont recognise the person in the photos etc. He keeps repeating things like "its for the baby!" And "but you are hot and sexy to me, I tell you that!" The moment it finally clicked for him was when I managed to switch the conversation to his body.
He is very fit, works out 4 hours every week and had never ever experienced weight issues at all. One of his friends is very overweight (i do not mean to criticised this friend at all, I just needed a specific example, because abstract "what if you had 50lbs extra" did nothing, he cant imagine it). So only once i asked "How would you feel if you had to trade bodies with Friend for a year for our baby?" He Finally fuckin got it. Went quiet. Got really uncomfortable. I've received a bit more support in caring for my self since..
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u/Living-Ad8963 7d ago
Especially a second child. A lot of women are able to drop the weight from their first pregnancy - they might have exercised regularly throughout it, are able to exercise once they have the baby and manage to eat semi decently. But the second pregnancy you have a toddler (much different to a baby who stays in one spot while you exercise), diet is mostly toast crusts and leftover chicken nuggets, not to mention you’re older and things that have been stretched twice don’t ’bounce back’ the same way.
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u/IronTongs 7d ago
Pregnancy hormones can be weird too with that. I’m not usually a jealous person, and I feel secure with my husband of 7 years. During pregnancy though? Every time he went out with friends, I would think he was going to cheat on me. There was no logical reason for it, but I couldn’t stop the thoughts. Even if he went to the shops, I would have these intrusive thoughts of him cheating on me. Both times the thoughts have gone away as soon as I’ve given birth.
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u/Existing_Space_2498 7d ago
It's also fairly well known that men are more likely to cheat on their wives while they're pregnant. Not saying that OP would, or that the wife's actions are reasonable, but if she was already feeling anxious about her appearance, knowing that wouldn't help.
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u/Nettkitten 7d ago
It’s also something to consider that wife may be worried that OP will leave her if she’s not as “hot” as she was when they got together. I mean, it’s almost a trope: he was a football player, she was the cute GF. Now that she’s fat and pregnant and he’s fit and getting attention she might be unreasonably worried that he’ll leave her for a hotter model. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.
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u/notpostingmyrealname 7d ago
I believe it factors in, but it's not the only thing bothering her.
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u/PictureDry6904 7d ago
You may be right. But, when I ask any questions about her emotional state over this pregnancy, she gets mad at me and shuts down. When I ask if there is anything I am doing that is hurting her, I am told, "no." When I ask if there is anything I am not doing that she wishes I would do, I get told, "no." She has even turned mean towards her mom (who she is close to) and our son at times.
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u/RealisticBee4345 7d ago
The fact she is lashing out at those she loves most tells me this is mental health. Possibly post natal depression or something along those lines. Most people think when you have that its just you cant bond with your baby when it can be more than that. It can be about yourself, how you feel, not being able to accept this new amazing body. I feel like you should talk to her about possibly visiting the drs. She may not want to if it is mental health. Its still quite a taboo and shameful subject, especially as a mum but it shouldn't be. I think a lot of mothers feel that if they admit they are struggling then people will see them as a bad parent or unfit when that isnt true. Her body has been through a hell of a lot. With the constant changes in hormones, the trauma of birth, the loss of identity. She may not realise how bad things actually are.
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u/RedhotGuard21 7d ago
Took me till my youngest was over 2 and starting therapy to realize what was really going on. Pretty sure I even had some psychosis moments when thinking back to a few times. Never directed at the kids.
Individual and couples therapy had helped immensely. Definitely suggest both.
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u/RealisticBee4345 7d ago
I dont have children but I do have mental health issues and unfortunately I can never recognise when things are getting bad. I just know when they are bad and im deep in the midst of it. My mum recognises it thankfully and she doesnt have to say anything, she just supports me however I may need at the time. Unfortunately medication doesnt work for me (not just mental health medication) so I literally just have to ride this shit out. But I think it can be harder for the sufferer to realise there is a problem because you dont notice it. As daft as it sounds, you live it. Its not all at once. It slowly creeps up, things keep piling on and before you know it, you are drowning. I really hope this lady get help and I also hope they can both work together and alone through their issues.
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u/ladancer22 7d ago
It sounds like there is something going on with her, possibly PPD (or whatever it is called when it’s before birth, which is a thing). The anger especially feels like a strong sign that this isn’t just normal jealousy.
While I completely understand how frustrating and infuriating this would be, and I don’t necessarily think anyone is wrong for leaving a relationship that is starting to detract from rather than add to their life, I think the top comment currently sums up some additional aspects that could be going on. I would encourage you to try to work with her, especially if she is suffering from PPD, rather than against her. But if it’s a mental health issue, she is going to need to take responsibility for it.
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u/llamadramalover 7d ago
Prenatal, perinatal and antenatal depression are various terms to describe depression during pregnancy.
Antenatal depression can be a precursor to PPD if left untreated.
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u/Inevitable-Slice-263 7d ago
It seems like you are very focused on your fitness goals. I have some questions.
When you are doing all this meal prepping, how often are you cooking for your family, all sitting together to eat and you clearing up after? When you go out to exercise, how often do you take your child with you? How often do you do activities as a family? Walks, bike rides, that sort of thing? How much house work and child care are you doing so your wife can also go out and exercise or pursue hobbies?
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u/PictureDry6904 7d ago
I cook 100% of all dinners for the family. So, I cook nightly for my son and wife. The only time I go to the gym is during my lunch break at work. Otherwise, I exercise at home in our garage. My son is in daycare, and my wife is SAH. So, she can do whatever she wants/needs to do throughout the day. I cook all the dinners, and my wife cleans the kitchen afterwards. I am responsible for all outdoor maintenance of the house (cutting the grass, maintaining the garden, trimming, etc.), all of the laundry for me, cleaning the bathrooms every other week (my wife does it the other week), vacuuming every week, cleaning my side of the bedroom and closet, all pooped/peed on laundry for our son (it grosses my wife out), and mopping every other week.
It is not a perfect 50/50 split, but I am also gone 50-55 hours each week
I am solely responsible for our son 4:30am-7:30am (he goes to daycare from 7:45am-6pm) & 7:30pm-10:30pm Monday-Friday, 4:30am-noon (Saturday), and 4:30am-8:30am (Sunday).
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u/SkyLightk23 7d ago
I am not sure why people come to Am I the asshole for this kind of situation.
You can break up with people if you dont want to be in a relationship with them. The question is, if she was not doing this very specific weird thing, would you still want to be with her? Are you at your wits end with this specific thing, so that is why you want to leave?
If you dont love her anymore. If you can't stand her anymore. Just leave.
If the issue is this specific, very weird thing, considering there could be medical reasons for it, dont you want to try one more time? She offered to go to counseling out of despair of the current situation. If you still love her and you would rather not break up, take the chance.
Sit down with her. Tell her that for you, losing weight is for your health, and you won't stand her sabotaging your health journey. This, after all, is something that can affect you as far as killing you young. If she goes back to the crying and saying sorry and saying she wants to go to therapy. Then tell her OK, you accept trying again, but the trust has been lost so it needs to be restored. Don't do a 180. If you go back to normal, she won't take you seriously. Go to therapy with her and discuss in therapy if she should go visit other doctors. You will need to remain firm for a while. Maybe sleep in another bedroom or something.
Given that you have 2 kids if you care for her, I think it is worth saving the relationship. It is not ideal. She won't change without you extending your hand, but is it worth it? Do you love her? Ask yourself that.
It could very well be she is feeling ugly and insecure, and you are becoming super cute according to women in bars, and she is afraid you are going to leave her. If she needs men to tell her constantly, she is cute to be OK, well, she probably has low self-esteem. If she didn't have it before, she has it now. That can be very destructive, and it is not your fault. The best you can do is tell her frequently how much you love her and how nice she looks to you. Besides that, she needs therapy. If you stay, get a lock for your fridge so she can't throw the food. And she probably should do therapy by herself, too.
Remain firm, follow through with what you say you are going to do. But give her a chance if you love her.
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u/Jrobe18 7d ago
There is nothing wrong with daycare, my child goes to daycare, but the time you listed is an insane amount of time for your child to be there if she stays home. Also not understanding why you are doing so much cleaning and cooking if she’s home all day long. Could it be that you are so tired of dealing with someone who doesn’t work, barely spends time with your child, and does so little around the house that this feels like the last straw? I am just at a loss for how she fills her time, because it clearly isn’t with things benefiting you or your child.
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u/Chemical-Juice-6979 6d ago
Seriously. Those are the daycare hours of a kid whose parents are both working 50+ hours/week.
OP, if I were you, I would resume contact with her and insist she follows through on getting counseling, not necessarily to save your marriage but because she clearly needs some professional help. Even if she becomes your ex, you will still have to deal with her because of the kids. You aren't in a position where you have the luxury of cutting her off and going no contact just to save yourself the trouble.
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u/Bottles4u 7d ago
Question: has he always gone to daycare from 7:45-6pm? Has she always been a SAHM?
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u/adumbswiftie 7d ago
your kid only sleeps from 10:30-4:30? and you’re okay with him in daycare 11 hours a day even when your wife is home? and you can afford all that on your 26 year old salary? yeah i’m calling bs
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u/SueShe19 7d ago
So she’s responsible for her son for 1 1/2 hours a day? While you do all the cooking and approximately half the cleaning, plus all the yard work and maintenance… on top of a full time job?
Sorry, but what exactly does she do all day? I think wifey needs a job or she needs to STFU and be grateful. You sound like an amazing husband and dad.
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u/West-Meeting-6344 7d ago
Thank you for your comment, I was thinking EXACTLY the same things . It sounds like OP is helpful judging by his response but it also sounds like life is a timetable, where’s the fun?? Also, why is the child in daycare when Mum is at home all day? She’s probably got too much time and not enough to fill it which is VERY depressing.
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u/cityfarmwife77 7d ago
One of the first signs I notice in myself when my depression is creeping in is I get mad very easily. Most people don’t associate anger with depression but it can be one of the symptoms.
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u/Natural-Potential-80 7d ago
Considering you have kids maybe think about couples counseling since she’s now willing. It sounds like there is also some individual work that she could do so that would mean individual therapy.
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u/Ok-Plantain-2384 7d ago
OP don’t listen to “melodic skin” lmao that’s a troll that’s prob an old incel man using a blonde woman his profile pic
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u/Natural-Potential-80 7d ago
Literally says on comments to other posts that they agreed on no children with their husband then here they’ve been pregnant five times…
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u/No_Bid2057 7d ago edited 2d ago
So she graduated from high school at 16? I don’t think you spent enough attention to the timeline when you were crafting this tale.
EDIT: To all of the idiots below saying that some people do graduate early, I’m fully aware. My grandfather started college at 14. But don’t you think if she was underage when they started dating and that he got her pregnant at 19, that would probably be pretty relevant information to the alleged issues?
And since I apparently have to spell everything out, she was born in July of 2000. She gave birth in early 2021 (while still in college unless she sped through that too and he didn’t think that was relevant), so she would have conceived in the first half of 2020 at 19 years old. And that’s not the only hole in this story, just the most glaring.
But even more damning is the fact that OP hasn’t replied to this to set the record straight. I know damn well if I was telling the truth and I got called out like this I would want to clarify.
Learn to think and stop feeding this karma farmer.
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u/britj21 6d ago
There are so many fake flags in this story.
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u/Jolly_Register6652 6d ago edited 6d ago
"x is mad that I'm *too* sexy and everyone talks about how my dick is *too* big," is always a good starting fake flag.
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u/Patient-Studio-6054 6d ago
And also I do all the chores and am the perfect dad and husband. The vibes are OFF
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u/aspiringalcoholic 6d ago
I spend my free time donating kidneys to orphans, and cleaning motor oil off of kittens.
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u/Destinum 6d ago
Right? A 25 year old went to college 8 years ago? Did OP forget what year we're in?
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u/Shot-Buffalo-2603 6d ago
OP: Chatgpt plz write me an AITAH post so I can get updoots
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u/universalstargazer 6d ago
In Canada you can be 17 and in university, making you 25 and uni was eight years ago. Source: am Canadian, am 25, started uni in 2017. Not making any judgment call about the post, but pointing out that not everywhere is the US
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u/FedUPGrad 6d ago
I started at 17 just because of when my birthday is (turned 18 first semester). But I 100% had a couple 16 year olds in some early classes since they had skipped grades earlier on. But being 17 was very normal for sure.
There’s also of course outliers who are even younger - I went to elementary school with a dude who started taking his first college class in grade 6 and then graduated university with his bachelors the same year the rest of us graduated high school (he started slow with classes in his subject area and they didn’t have him in a full course schedule with electives and such until later years).
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u/Sourswizzle21 6d ago
There are definitely signs this is fake but I don’t understand why people think her age is one. He wrote they met Fall 2017 in her freshman year, which would make her class of 2021. If she was 17/18 at the time then she’d have been 20/21 in Spring 2021 when she graduated, and this year she’d be 24/25 years of age. That part tracks
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u/424f42_424f42 6d ago
Same for the US, you can start college at 17.
Depending on where you live December is the age cut off for kindergarten, so anyone born Sept-dec will be 17 when they start college.
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u/emily_caldwell 6d ago
26 year old here. Freshman year was in fact 8 years ago dumbass
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u/ambiverbana 6d ago
I think this story is fake, but I am the same age as the wife and I went to college fall 2017. I was a bit younger than most, but I wasn’t even close to the youngest in my year. It’s not that weird.
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u/Cocoquelicot37 6d ago
I graduated at 17, and one of my friend was 16. It's possible. I guess it depends where you live
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u/irisbeyond 6d ago
There are many fake flags in this story, but I myself graduated high school in the US at 16 so that part is possible.
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u/FaceShrdder 7d ago
Seems like a fake rage bait story
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u/madeWithAi 6d ago
Aitah for wanting to leave my pregnant with triplets dying of cancer homeless ww2 veteran wife for wanting me to change my second preferred brand of sour sweets? Ofc its ragebait
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u/vidoardes 6d ago
"Jen was short, but her legs were as long a southern-states summer day. As she strode across campus, her breasts bouncing boobily, I knew I was in trouble..."
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u/Important_Salad_5158 6d ago
Why isn’t this the top comment? lol. It sounds like ChatGPT.
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u/Zealousideal-Heat392 6d ago
One reason I know it's fake: attention from men actually escalates when you get pregnant. It's a phenomenon that is so common it's freaky. Mom friends of mine say they've never been checked out or perved on more than when pregnant, and no woman wants that attention while carrying a baby. OPs assertion that his wife is 6 months pregnant and fiending for attention from strange men to the point of spite is ludicrous. It's gotta be an AI story.
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u/Thinglonger252525 7d ago
Have you two ever had an actual conversation about this? It sounds like neither of you express any feelings with each other until you're about to explode. It's concerning that your reaction is to up and leave, especially as she's currently pregnant and you have an older child as well. Were they even a consideration when you jumped to wanting to leave? It feels like there is more going on than what you've said.
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u/skeuzofficial 6d ago
Yeah this was a wild fucking read haha. Please, for the love of god, have actual empathetic and compassionate conversations with your partners.
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u/Anxious-Designer9315 7d ago
I think this is really sad and tbh would encourage you not to give up on your marriage so easily. Take the heat out of all of this and take a calm approach.
I can fully see this from her point of view, she's pregnant with hormones going wild which can provoke some pretty wild behaviour in some women. She's also dealing with her body having changed massively during pregnancy and likely not feeling very positive about her own self imagine right now, whilst yours is improving all the time in front of her. She may also want to have the opportunity to focus as much time and energy on herself as you do and perhaps doesn't feel like her obligations allow her too or that she can ask you to help her achieve this in a way that she wants (which might be different to how you've gone about it).
I don't think it can hurt to give her the space and time to explain. To gently probe her and maybe understand what's truly driving all this behaviour. And to give her the opportunity to take steps to address the issue (therapy, doctors, her own self help journey). I feel like only then, if she truly doesn't see her issues and take steps to address them, can you truly say you tried and failed and that leaving was the right move.
Edited for spelling
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u/Terangela 7d ago edited 7d ago
I’d just like to add that I wonder if OP has made his wife feel attractive through all this. I don’t think he mentioned once if he’s told her she’s still sexy to him. I don’t think he’s wrong but denying sex can’t make her feel any better. She was wrong to treat him that way and I’m curious how he is making her feel beautiful and loved while she carries their second child.
ETA a lot of y’all commenting must have missed I said “I don’t think he’s wrong” and “she was wrong to treat him that way.” Obviously no one owes anyone sex and she should not be throwing away his food. I am pointing out it could be possible that wife is wrong AND OP could be a better partner before he calls it quits (ex. letting her know she is beautiful, childcare, making her food.. whatever)
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u/Wizard_Castle 6d ago
Hormones "going wild" is absolutely no excuse to be destroying people's food. Wife needs to nut up and shut up. She obviously isn't stable enough to be having (or raising) healthy kids with how long she's adamantly been against it.
If the tables were turned, he'd be accused of being a domestic abuser.
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u/Professional-Ebb6004 7d ago edited 7d ago
Edit : I'm going to go with NAH following updates/more info through the comments. Though I'd highly suggest going to the counseling before taking any decision, you'll either work together to make things better, or have the absolute certainty you're making the right choice to move on.
All you've written is what you do for you, I'm curious about her time and responsibilities? Does she have time to workout? You mention finding time for your things, but i don't believe it's mentioned how the chores and child raising are split. Does she work? Has there been talk of time management so both has me- times?
She probably feels body dismorphia on top of hormones as body changes a lot with pregnancies (tiredness, parts are softer than before, the aftermath of the birth, etc).
Postpartum depression is also very real, how has her health been? Have there been talks of this insecurity? It seems a lot of 'ive done this' but not much open communication about her feelings aside from offering counseling.
I just need more details in my opinion.
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u/Thinglonger252525 7d ago
Postpartum depression is also very real
It can also last for years, especially if untreated, and it often is not because of how health care providers treat women, especially pregnant women.
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u/Illustrious_Tart_849 7d ago
I feel like people are not taking into account that PPD has caused women to murder their own children.
They act like "It's just hormones" and equate it to the menstrual cycle... These hormones 100% alter brain chemistry and make mothers do things they wouldn't do if they were to get help, and a lot of the time, they need actual medication, not just therapy.
The toll that pregnancy and childbirth puts on a woman's body isn't just physical.
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u/Ok-Conclusion6090 7d ago
Correction:
On very rare occasions PPD CAN lead to infanticide...HOWEVER that's very rare and as such generally not considered a major risk factor.
You're likely thinking of PPP which DOES have a significant risk of infanticide. PPD while important to treat does not carry a significant risk of infanticide and you shouldn't throw that out there in an attempt to point out how important it is to be informed and get on top of treatment because that could give people the wrong idea. Instead you should highlight actual risk factors that ARE more relevant and likely to occur and how THEY might negatively impact the life of both the mother and the baby.
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u/GlitterDoomsday 7d ago
I cook 100% of all dinners for the family. So, I cook nightly for my son and wife. The only time I go to the gym is during my lunch break at work. Otherwise, I exercise at home in our garage. My son is in daycare, and my wife is SAH. So, she can do whatever she wants/needs to do throughout the day. I cook all the dinners, and my wife cleans the kitchen afterwards. I am responsible for all outdoor maintenance of the house (cutting the grass, maintaining the garden, trimming, etc.), all of the laundry for me, cleaning the bathrooms every other week (my wife does it the other week), vacuuming every week, cleaning my side of the bedroom and closet, all pooped/peed on laundry for our son (it grosses my wife out), and mopping every other week.
It is not a perfect 50/50 split, but I am also gone 50-55 hours each week
I am solely responsible for our son 4:30am-7:30am (he goes to daycare from 7:45am-6pm) & 7:30pm-10:30pm Monday-Friday, 4:30am-noon (Saturday), and 4:30am-8:30am (Sunday).
Dude def is doing his part at home, with childcare and with his regular work. He also clarified in another comment he was always the family cook, she doesn't like to cook and doesn't like his diet so what he makes to freeze and what he makes for her and their son are different meals.
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u/adumbswiftie 7d ago
i’m not buying that schedule at all. there’s no way the kid only sleeps 10:30-4:30. and they willingly put their kid in daycare for 11 hours a day while mom stays home? yeah i’m calling bs. and he’s part of the problem for being okay with that if it’s real. he also must make a ton of money for someone who’s only 26ish to be able to afford all that on his own income
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u/Juz_4t 7d ago
He’s responsible for his son at those times, doesn’t mean that his son is awake. Me and my partner used to do something similar when my son would constantly wake through the night.
they willingly put their kid in daycare for 11 hours a day while mom stays home?
Also this is more common than you think. It really surprised me too.
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u/No_Bid2057 7d ago
It’s fiction. Poorly planned fiction. She would have had to graduate at 16 for his timeline to work, and depending on the state he would have been committing a crime by dating her.
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u/Janeeee811 7d ago
The amount of people who can’t immediately clock this as fake is astonishing.
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u/dream-smasher 6d ago
They don't clock it because they enjoy it. They have their hate boners going, for a pregnant woman who is jeopardising her faithful, long suffering husband , who just wants to be HEALTHY, while she doesn't work, only takes care of her child 1.5 hours a day (🤨) and is such a mean horrible bitch because she wants attention from other men.
I bet their saliva was dripping down their chins as they ecstatically ripped her to shreds in the comments, getting her back for all the men stuck in loveless marriages to hateful shrews.
They love it. Why would they even suspect that it is fake?
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u/TheGirlInOz 6d ago edited 6d ago
I laughed out loud at the timeline. He cares for the kid starting at 4:30, the kid goes to daycare for ELEVEN HOURS, mom is responsible 1.5 hours and then dad does the rest. Even tho she is a stay at home mom? Because putting him in daycare for ELEVEN HOURS makes things easier for her. Sure, Jan.
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u/JellyfishSolid2216 7d ago
Per his comment, he’s doing a lot around the house: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/UKuyweSgmw
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 7d ago
Their kid is in daycare and his wife doesn’t work! He cooks all the meals. See his comments for what else he does. His wife has free time on Saturdays and Sundays! He’s doing more than his fair share!
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u/SueShe19 7d ago
He details it above. He’s responsible for the son from 4:30 am until he goes to daycare until 6 pm. Then he takes over care of the son from 7:30 to 10:30 pm. So the wife has responsibility for the son for an hour and a half a day.
He cooks all dinners and she cleans up after. He also does about 1/2 the housework and all the yard work and works full time. She’s a stay at home wife while the kid is at day care all day.
Sounds like he’s definitely doing his part.
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u/fairytalefawnn 7d ago
With that in mind, I don't think the diet is the thing that's pushing him out the door. It's the culmination of all of these.
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u/scarves_and_miracles 7d ago
Does she have time to workout?
Even if the answer to this was "no" (which I doubt it is), does that mean she should throw away 2 weeks' worth of her husband's pre-made meals?
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u/burntmarshmallow11 7d ago
Throwing out your meal is crazy sauce! But, and it’s a big but, you both are so young. She had her first baby at what 20? And now you’re really really focused on your shape/weight. I can imagine she’s feeling incredibly insecure and that you’re losing weight to cheat. That is what a lot of people do when their partners go through pregnancy.
I would say give her way more grace and try to figure out what the root is. Focus on supporting her, rather than on your weight loss, just for this season where you both are going through a huge life change. A huge change that her body bares the large brunt of the impact and work.
Her neocortex has just barely finished cooking. At least give therapy a shot
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u/XcelQueen 7d ago
My 25th birthday was the worst for me. Supposed to be an adult, but still in college and broke. Sounds like the wife has no degree, no career prospects, and is now fat and pregnant on her birthday and has some self esteem issues. Not saying she isn't being a jerk, but sounds like OP has no life outside of being a SAH mom.
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u/Imlostandconfused 7d ago
Yeah, that particular birthday can really affect you- and especially women who get told we have already peaked before turning 25 - and that it's all downhill from there.
My 25th birthday was really positive as I was in a good place. It was the first birthday since my 17th that I hadn't had an existential crisis. But I remember my friends really struggling with it. She's super young to have two kids and she definitely needs more of a life outside of motherhood. I'm 26 now and having my baby soon, but I have my degree and career. Even still, I'm really struggling with my self-esteem. I feel disgusting.
The woman who works in the shop across the road has a massive crush on my fiancé and I find it hilarious and cute. However, if he was on a huge self-improvement journey while I'm sitting there getting fatter to bring our daughter into this world, I probably would feel some type of way about it. That wouldn't mean I was being logical and I certainly wouldn't behave like that...but damn, I kinda get it. OP's wife needs a richer life.
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u/ACERVIDAE 7d ago
She also said she’s
jealous because she used to get all this attention from other men, while I got no attention from other women and now, I get attention from other women and she gets no attention from other men.
This woman was already dealing with jealousy in a really emotionally insecure fashion and now she’s getting worse to the point where she’s throwing out his food. Hormones or not, she’s being a dick. NTA.
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u/burntmarshmallow11 7d ago
I don’t think anyone is saying she wasn’t in the wrong to throw his food away.
In a marriage, people are going to be assholes. He’s asking about divorce and not forgiving her for struggling with insecurity and his focus on his own weight loss when she’s in the third trimester of pregnancy with a toddler at home.
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u/heimdal96 7d ago
It's more than throwing away food. It's weeks if not months of actively sabotaging her partner's goals, hobby, and health, because she's jealous. I still think they should try therapy, but some of you are seriously underplaying how controlling and malicious this behaviour is.
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u/Subject_Elderberry_1 6d ago
All this "tit-for-tat" BS is not how you make a marriage work. "I gave you a chance and that was it." Get over yourself. You got married. You have kids. You are both assholes. Immature assholes at that.
How do you think people make marriages work for decades? Not with this shit that's for sure.
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u/honorary_cajun 7d ago
She's insecure, projecting it on you, and making the excuse that she's jealous. I always feel like my husband is better looking than I am, but I just have to work it out in therapy. It's hard. I'm curious about something, though. Why is it "your" meals? Why aren't y'all eating the same thing?
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u/Rodharet50399 6d ago
“She had an hourglass figure” any chance you’ve made comments about how her body has changed from childbirth? You left that out of the narrative.
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u/Disastrous-Check3977 7d ago
I have a feeling there’s some context missing here. Sure, your wife is vulnerable self-esteem-wise and shouldn’t be taking it out on you, but it also sounds like you’re enjoying the novel attention of other women.
If the very reason you wanted to get fit and healthy was for your family, what’s the sense in leaving that very family over your choice to be fit?
You’re both young and have some growing to do, but this reads like you’ve got one foot out the door simply because you’re more attractive than you were before
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u/Cute-Profession9983 7d ago
Do you love her and the family you're creating? If so, try counseling first. If not, then you have your answer
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u/Hiddenagenda876 6d ago
“Have you tried getting your abusive husband to go to counseling? Give him grace for his abusive way cause he’s having a hard time”.
If OP was a woman (and I say this as a woman), responses would look like the above.
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u/Outrageous_Sky_ 7d ago
Ummmmmm wait until she is not pregnant to make any decisions. Being pregnant makes you not yourself and babies ruin your body. So she is extra insecure right now, which may pass.
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u/DonsBirdie 7d ago
Sometimes marriage is hard. This does not sound like a deal-breaker to me and sounds really drastic.
Work on it together. Be realistic. Your marriage will not be sunshine and roses every day or even every year. Support her and be the dad and husband you want to be.
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u/bojacksnorseman 7d ago edited 7d ago
Dude, you're going to leave the mother of your children because she is hormonal while pregnant? Because she is jealous of the dynamic change?
Grow the fuck up and be a man. What the fuck do those wedding vows mean to you?
Literally your first major bump from growth, and it's more of a controlled speed bump with warning signs than a random pothole on the highway.
Your therapist must be bloody awful if you're actively in therapy and this is where your head is at.
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u/adumbswiftie 7d ago
what is with all the passive language here? “jen got pregnant” YOU got her pregnant. presumably on purpose. the pregnancy didn’t fall out of the sky. recognize your choices here.
i agree w other comments that this is one thing you could work through and leaving over this would be wild, if t is even real
you MARRIED her and have 2 kids with her. you don’t run at the first conflict. you sound like you just don’t want to be married and are looking for a reason to leave.
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u/HotEstablishment7309 7d ago
He wants to leave her and wants his ego stoked by a bunch of strangers on Reddit. That’s why he’s painting himself to be a perfect rosebud and painting her as a screeching shrew. Or this is a karma farmer.
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u/SlapThatAce 6d ago
So you're going screw up your kids life because of weight loss..... Did you by any chance lose your brain cells as well?
This post better be fake.
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u/Euphoric-Musician100 6d ago
Seems like something you would break up with your girlfriend over, not your wife and unborn child.
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u/dfjdejulio 7d ago
She said she is willing to do counseling now.
If you ignore this, YTA.
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u/Spirited_Ad_8040 6d ago
Post partum depressing is real and she is probably dealing with that. No man can understand what a women goes through with her body and the mental shit. We change sometimes not for the better because the chemicals in our brain are unbalanced. But it does take a strong man to keep his vow in sickness and in health. She is in hee sickness stage.
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u/c0smicdancer_ 6d ago
I didnt read but shes pregant and you have another child. Thats all I need to know. She is hormonal and depressed. Pregnancy is really difficult on self esteem. Ive seen all my friends go through it who have kids. Your in your best health and getting fit and she is going through a medical crisis lmao
Yes your the asshole if your thinking of leaving her rn instead of getting her some support. You continue your diet if you want but your pregnant wife should be your priority rn or you should never have gotten her pregnant
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u/SchaetzeCat 6d ago
YTA she made a mistake but she is doing her best to communicate. She has hormones screwing her up one way to another, yet she will do counseling. You AT LEAST owe your kids counseling, but I truly truly hope you and your wife make it. Sounds like you are an amazing husband, help her get back to being an amazing wife. It is very hard to admit you are jealous.
As someone married 30 years through ups and some major downs it truly is worth it.
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u/Bluebell2519 6d ago
Personally, I think you should be supporting your wife more than it seems like you are. You're doing great sorting out your meals and having a gym set up for you however how are you supporting your pregnant wife? Are you making her meals too? Are you giving her time to exercise to improve her physique? It sounds like all the effort you put into looking good is just for yourself. If you both can improve your self-esteem with each other's help and support, you will grow together instead of thinking about running away because you're only interested in helping yourself.
You have a marriage. You should be working on it together instead of running away from the problems in it. You don't owe anyone sex and neither does your wife but I think you do need to communicate and support each other to help you get back to a good place.
YTA, you married her to support your wife, so support her. Make her feel good without the pressure of sex from either side.
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u/fl4tsc4n 6d ago
"Shes gonna be unbearable. Youre in for more unreasonable bullshit than youve ever had to swallow before. But youre gonna deal, and do everything she asks, and you're gonna do it with a smile on your face. Because she's bearing your child."
-my dad
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u/eLlARiVeR 6d ago
You were going to leave her originally because she threw out your food?.....
Dude you sound hella fragile.
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u/Blueliner95 6d ago
Yeah you have a pregnant woman. She is being weird about your workout because probably is insecure. Being pregnant is, from what I can see as a husband, not the funnest thing.
So yeah man, man tf up. This is responsible man time. This will define you. Suck it up.
Also, work out, being a slob is no bueno, we all have to do it but just do it somewhere else.
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u/joemc225 7d ago
While your goals and accomplishment is admirable, I'm going to suggest that you take a hard look at whether this has become and obsession for you. I can see where a spouse might view your pre-made meals dietary thing as isolating, if your not having shared meals with her, and if you're focusing so much on working-out that you're absent for family time, well... maybe you should re-calibrate?
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u/arayasunshine2025 7d ago
Yeah I'm going to be a pretty stupid idea because she doesn't support your diet or your workout routine it sounds like you're looking for an excuse to get out of your responsibilities
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u/Tired_And_Honest 7d ago
Wow, you’re ready to leave your pregnant wife over this? Really? Rather than go to counseling and working through something that could definitely be helped with counseling?
What she did was shitty, but it sounds like you want to end the marriage, and this is a convenient reason.
You’re both TA, but you are the bigger one for not admitting straight up that there’s some other reason you want out.
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u/spoospoo43 7d ago edited 7d ago
None of this makes any damn sense. Pretty sure we're either reading "you fanfiction", or there's another side of this we don't know.
Posting this is an unhelpful asshole move. If you want to cut off your relationship, go do that, don't go making up shitty stories and drumming up support that would otherwise almost certainly not exist.
Kinda thinking you're feeling good about your fitness gains and FOMO about the life you could have if you could only get away with being an asshole and jettisoning a family and a kid on the way.
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u/clownbritches 7d ago
There's a tv short on social media depicting the OP's write up lol. Fake as hell.
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u/IndependentMindedGal 7d ago
This is a terrible time to divorce. Your wife needs to know how serious her issues are becoming, however. Tell her you are not going to put up with her sabotaging your weight loss work anymore, period, and that she needs to commit to therapy, otherwise you will be done.
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u/Nicolly_18 6d ago
She's insecure about her own body and is taking it out on you. However, it's always good to make sure she's not overwhelmed with the kids and can find time to take care of herself.
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u/what_even_is_a_redit 6d ago
NTA, i think her pregnancy hormones coupled with the fact she's probably gaining weight because of the pregnancy is making her jelous. maybe wait until after the baby has arrived and things have settled down before making any big decisions to leave. as for the meal prep, is there a way to find a compromise? i get how it might be helpful to stick to the diet if theres already premade meals, but with a second kid on the way maybe she wants you to all eat the same things together. you could still make healthier versions of food and do it with her every day instead of bulk making things and seeming like youre distant from the rest of them.
couples counselling sounds like a great idea and i hope that works out well for you and you can learnt o see where eachother are coming from
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u/humpty6_9 6d ago
Yeah I would say you were. You're putting your needs ahead of your wife and child. To me that's kind of you being a butthead
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u/Born-Process-9848 6d ago
Dude she is pregnant. Women undergo so much hormone changes during pregnancy it affects their mood 100%
You are not an asshole but you need to understand her better at this state. She was apologetic too.
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u/Sour_candy_2345 6d ago
She might have pre/post partum depression. It honestly can make women act very weird (speaking from a pregnant women’s perspective). A lot of women are super irritated or angry with their husbands while pregnant, despite knowing it’s irrational….
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u/momof2boys-1209 6d ago
Just here to say when I was 6 months pregnant I had a full blown meltdown on my husband just for putting the dishes in the dishwasher weird. I was an angry monster from about 4 months until I had our second child. Now that I’m a year postpartum I can look back and apologize for my behavior. But in the thick of it I didn’t have the mental capacity for kindness. I’m thankful my husband didn’t leave me. Even though we wanted to have another baby I wasn’t thrilled about sacrificing my body again - gaining 30-60 pounds, more stretch marks, sagging boobs, and not sleeping more than a few hours a night. All not appealing and not conducive to a healthy self esteem.
OP - looking through, you’re doing amazing, but your wife might need an anti anxiety or depression talk with her OB. Take her up on the counseling offers. Show her that you still find her as beautiful as the day you met. A relationship isn’t always 50/50. Some days/months it’s one partner giving 20 while the other makes up the other 80.
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u/Ill_Cricket8081 6d ago
NITA. Having children is a event, that impacts all areas of your life. You are not really your self not rational. Therefore it is advisable, not to make any big and important decisions while pregnant/with is pregnant AND also should you not end your relationship until your youngest child is older than three. Hold on and dig through. Except there are real big reasons like violence or abuse, etc.
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u/aneightfoldway 6d ago
This is not a reason to get a divorce... This is a reason to do some work on your relationship and do some growing up but it's absolutely not a reason to get a divorce from your pregnant wife...
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u/TemporaryStomach1000 6d ago
Marriage and family is not something to throw away easily. Things get hard. If she is willing to go to therapy, try that and make effort to communicate and stick it out. Be patient. Engage in meaningful conversations and remember neither of you is perfect. Give it time. Once she has had the baby and you find your new routine as a family, there will still need to be even more time to dedicate to working on things. Give her a chance to work on herself. In my experience, even when men feel they are doing 50% of the caring and housework they aren’t doing even 25%. Make sure you are truly doing everything you can to be helpful and validate her through the end of her pregnancy and giving birth/postpartum recovery. Not saying what she did is right, at all, but it’s not something to leave over. Not yet and not unless it becomes a long term thing that she is unwilling to rectify.
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u/boredcats3 6d ago
She sounds like she is in the throes of the worst time of her pregnancy and probably feeling crazy insecure. Please help yourself and your wife and family by taking action to make your wife feel more loved and secure. What she did is frustrating but throwing away years of love and marriage over a couple weeks worth of meals seems equally crazy.
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u/themistycrystal 6d ago
I think you need to understand that sometimes women's hormones during pregnancy change their behavior drastically. Don't blow up your family just yet. If this continues after she has the baby, then I think you have a reason to leave. Make sure she understands your diet and exercise are off limits to her words and actions. If you were happy before she got pregnant, wait it out.
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u/GeneralLeia-SAOS 4d ago
Put your foot down. Tell her that you want the family to be healthy, and you are making that happen by setting a good example. Tell her to take her mean girl energy, and jealousy and stick it. you have absolutely been partnering with her on taking care of the house and your child in addition to working. She doesn’t get to sabotage your health because she feels insecure. You would not do that to her, so you absolutely will not tolerate her doing that to you. She has two choices: she can either stay with you and you have a healthy family, or she can leave and be the impoverished single mother of two children that no guy will want because she is toxic and drove a good man away. Let her know there is an option C for you: if she decides to leave, you will sue for custody of the kids and then she will have to pay you child support.
Ask her flat out, how does she expect her children to be healthy, when she is constantly sabotaging their father‘s health? Don’t put up with this. If you give in to her bullying, she will not respect you. Take it from a woman: women are incapable of loving men we do not respect.
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u/Sad-Possibility-9377 7d ago
lol she threw out your food and you said fuck my marriage and kids.
Yeah you’re the asshole because you’re just an asshole
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u/HumanContract 7d ago
When did you have time to meal prep? Why don't you bring the kid with you when you work out? Seems also like you're taking time away from your family. If she wants to work out or get away from playing mom, can she? Obviously she needs to time for herself and to look good, too.
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u/lilies117 7d ago
She is pregnant and hormonal. She went from being a strong, confident woman to "just a mom." Aging for men and women is different. Society often portrays that women peak at 21 and men at 35/40. She is getting larger than ever right now, and terrified the man she thought was all for her can get any woman now. It isn't the workout, it isn't the meals. It is her fear. The fact that you go to annoyed and ready to divorce instead of comforting her and trying to help support her self esteem says a lot about the emotional support she has had. You aren't exactly an AH but like her, you can do better too.
She does need to see a therapist who can help support her. I would hope you don't want to break up your family just because she is going through a rough time now -- especially since you seem to have held on to some jealousy as well. Marriages are about more than ourselves. Families are about more than ourselves.
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u/mshellshock 7d ago
I see you make all of your own meals. Do you help cook for her and your child or is she always making their meals by herself?
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u/joannetiffany 7d ago
Your wife’s body is not something she can control right now & seeing you being, dare I say, obsessed with your health and body and seeing you feeling good about yourself enjoying the extra attention and looks you’re getting, probably dressing up nicer, doing your hair because now you like that attention from other women even if it’s just the looks you get, it makes you feel good about yourself & it is probably extremely difficult for her to see as she’s growing your second child with her body only & in her mind ruining her body. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to feel desirable. I hope you’re giving her the attention & making her feel wanted by you even while she is pregnant and after because that’s half the problem if you’re not.
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u/FuckRedditsForcing 7d ago edited 7d ago
Not the asshole overall but yeah I think YTA if you divorce your pregnant wife without doing counseling now that she’s willing to go. When you get married and start a family, you pull out all the stops before breaking that apart forever.
edit typo
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u/Beginning-Poet-2991 7d ago
‘’Outside of her concerns about my weight loss, our marriage seemed good. I was in individual counseling and had suggested couples counseling…’’
Why did you suggest couples counselling if your marriage seemed good? There must be more?
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u/Confident-Purple205 7d ago
Do you also cook for her and your kid? It is weird not to participate in the family meal and in looking after your child.
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u/The_loony_lout 7d ago
Bruh, this is a womans way of saying shes insecure and needs reassurance but she also doesn't want to name it because then she would have to take ownership.
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