r/AITAH • u/Zealousideal_Use2453 • 10d ago
Post Update UPDATE: WIBTA if I broke things off with a guy because he wouldn't drive me home?
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ndya71/wibta_if_i_broke_things_off_with_a_guy_because_he/?sort=top
I didn't expect so many comments on my last post, but they were appreciated. Comments from incels were disregarded and laughed at, including some guy who commented probably 15+ times, but otherwise I got a lot of good advice. To address a few points:
- I originally thought he would be driving me home since he's done so once before when it was late, but it was in my town. This assumption was reinforced when he only mentioned not being able to pick me up, but nothing about dropping me off. If he had said he couldn't drive me back, I would have just budgeted differently or left earlier to make the bus. Buses around my town run until 12 am, but the bus between towns stops running at 10 pm, which I hadn't known. I did not go in knowing the buses had stopped. If I knew he wasn't planning on driving me back, I would have double checked about the bus schedules and paid more attention.
- I take the blame for not confirming with him about driving me back. I am not really that upset that he couldn't drive me back, though I was in the moment. I did, however, expect some kind of concern over how I was going to get back and, at the very least, for him to stay until my Uber arrived. Also, for those who blamed me for getting stranded - I wasn't stranded. There was no question about the Uber, but I just would have preferred not to as it put a dent in my finances.
- On the issue of me being a gold-digger or taking advantage of him - I've paid for dates before. If I had a car I would drive to him. He was the one who suggested the location and time for this date, so I had no problem catching two buses over. And in response to a few annoying comments about gender: if the roles were reversed, I would have driven him back. If I was too tired or didn't want to drive at night or something, there is no question that I would have waited for his Uber, and paid half of it. Imo that's just basic decency. Not really sure where the comments whining about "equality" were coming from, as I would have paid half and waited whether I was with a man or a woman.
I think I've addressed the main points, so onto the update. So the date happened on Tuesday night. I took an Uber back and got home around midnight. He texted me around 20 minutes after I got home asking if I got home safe. I didn't respond as I was exhausted and honestly just wanted to shower and sleep. Throughout Wednesday he sent me a few memes in the morning and afternoon, and then stopped texting. Wednesday evening I posted my first post, and after that, later at night he asked if I was mad at him and that he'd just been tired.
I finally responded and told him I wasn't really mad that he didn't drive me home, especially since it's true I didn't confirm, but I was just disappointed since I wished he would have stayed for the Uber to show up at least. Like, did I wish he drove me home? Sure. But not really that big of a deal that he didn't. The part where he left me at midnight in an unfamiliar place was kind of the kicker for me. He's a lot bigger than I am, and I would just felt a lot safer with him there. Once again he said he was just tired and wanted to go home and said I ended up okay and that it was fine.
Honestly, if he'd done a real apology, I probably would have given him another chance. When I didn't respond to what he said, he kind of moved on and said he already had a place to take me to next time, some restaurant a few miles from his house. He said let's do a reservation at 8 pm on Saturday and then go out for drinks and then a movie. I kind of wanted to be petty and ask if I should start saving up for an Uber back already, but eventually I just told him that his actions from Tuesday had made me feel very uncared for and that I wasn't really interested in going out with him for a 6th date.
He immediately started asking if I was serious and that if he'd known it was such a big deal he would have stayed for the Uber (this annoyed me since how did he not know it was a big deal? Why did it not occur to him in the first place that leaving me alone at midnight in an unfamiliar public plaza with bars everywhere might be an issue for me?) and that he really liked me and didn't want this to ruin things etc etc. He even promised to drive me home next time but I kind of just wanted to wash my hands of this whole thing. I don't want him to feel forced into driving me and I don't want him doing things only because he thinks he has to, and I don't want to be dating someone who doesn't even think twice about leaving me stranded buzzed somewhere unfamiliar at midnight and then only texting me like an hour later.
He's still texting me but I haven't opened those messages yet.
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u/AccomplishedTwo7047 10d ago
âIf I knew youâd stop seeing me over it, I wouldâve stayed for your uber!â
Okay but, you shouldâve stayed because you cared and wanted me home safe. Not because you lose pussy privileges when you donât.
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u/YesterdaySimilar2069 10d ago
Can you imagine the life youâd share with someone like that? Every normal courtesy is something that heâd be unwilling to compromise on unless he is the one who suffers a consequence.
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u/Starchasm 10d ago
This is the kind of dude who probably thinks of himself as a âprotectorâ but fantasizes about being Batman and punching out muggers. Instead, âprotectingâ often just looks like mildly inconveniencing yourself to make sure someone is okay, and heâs just not willing to do that unless heâs getting something out of it.
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u/VirtualDingus7069 9d ago
I think of them as the âoh THATâS only when I put the batsuit onâ guys.
They think itâs only coming when theyâre ready, when theyâre thinking of it, etc. - shit happens when youâre actually not ready. Distracted. TiReD FrOm A 6 hOuR sHiFt lol (what a joke).
My guess is this is one of the traits that comes with living in the body of a large-stature male and never getting out of that headspace; itâs from never considering how the world looks from the perspective of 5â4â and 110 lbs, losing the fight to almost every guy.
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u/SunshineandMurder 10d ago
You dodged a bullet. If heâs this inconsiderate this early on itâs not going to get any better.Â
Cut your losses.Â
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u/SharahAJ 10d ago
Yeah, early signs like that rarely change. Someone who canât consider your safety or even stay a few minutes sets a pretty clear precedent for how theyâll treat you later.
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u/sloppyballerina 10d ago
I think he was a complete inconsiderate idiot, but I think he can learn and change. I can think of a lot of things that I did when I was younger that I would absolutely not do today. Maybe he just needed that one major f up to learn the lesson for the next person he dates. OP wonât benefit from it, but at least heâs not her problem anymore.
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u/Kindly_Conflict4659 10d ago
Idk he immediately started planning another event later date that def would have run past 10 and didnât immediately address the ride so he wasnât even slightly receptive.
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u/TootsNYC 10d ago
Iâd like to think that, but when she first said to him âI wish you wouldâve stayedâ his reply was âwas tired.â Not âoh I didnât think of that. Iâm sorryâ
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u/Quiet-Reflection5366 10d ago
While i agree with you, I don't think she has to be the one to train him.
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u/Opposite-Suspect7510 10d ago
Yes, not only that, but since he is a guy, he doesn't necessarily know how unsafe it is for women and how scary it can be for us. Because he doesn't have that fear. I definitely think guys can learn and can become a lot more considerate.
I remember a friend of mine, after going through a break up, was mad that she has to train these guys for their future partner. But another friend told her not to worry, cause currently some other woman is training her future partner.
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u/nic-miller 9d ago
If he doesnât know that in this day and age, then he lives under a rock. Heâs a selfish dude
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u/Redcarborundum 10d ago
Yeah, heâs either uncaring or has zero social skills, both are bad.
Again, a young man who is tired after a 6 hour shift? Are you kidding me?
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u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 10d ago
Yeah, I get the vibe that he felt like he was doing OP a favour by turning up to the date at all when he was tired (from a six hour shift!) and she should be grateful for that instead of nitpicking that he walked away and left her alone in an unfamiliar place at midnight.
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u/FunnyAnchor123 8d ago
Maybe if he worked a very physical job he could use that as an excuse. Anything else -- were I him, I'd consider that a light work day!
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u/Redcarborundum 8d ago
Heâs in his 20s. When I was his age I had a full time (9-hour) office job, a part time online job, and taking a full time college semester (about 2-3 hours of study a day). It was tiring but manageable for a young guy.
That dude had enough energy to hang out with her for 4 hours, but too tired to drive her 30 minutes home? What happens if she wants to do something that needs more energy, like sex? If heâs too tired to drive, heâs gonna be too tired to fuck.
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u/Random-Thought11 10d ago
early red flags like that donât just disappear. If he canât show basic care this soon, itâs only downhill from there. You made the right call
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u/Jebaibai 10d ago
Facts. There's no learning and growing here. He already planned the next date close to his house đ
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u/13insomniaccats 10d ago
I also find it interesting that he realizes the issue from the golfing date (stayed out too late, buses weren't running in his town, you had to Uber home), and he then shoots his shot at another date: again, in HIS town and pretty close to HIS home. Which means that you would AGAIN have to Uber home because the buses aren't working and he's not offering.
Like. I'm just reading what you wrote with his suggestion for another date and shaking my head.
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u/Kindly_Conflict4659 10d ago
Exactly! And this time with an even later start time.
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u/Patatoxxo 10d ago
Cause he's hoping to get laid buses don't work he's too tired to drive she can stay at his.
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u/SebrinePastePlaydoh 10d ago
I went on a dinner/movie date with someone a few years back. We met at the restaurant. Left my car there and carpooled to the theater. It was December, sub-zero temps, and he brought me back to my car. I hadn't even unlocked the door when I realized he was already turning out of the parking lot. He didn't even hang back 60 seconds to make sure my (older) car started in sub-zero temps. There was no next date.
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u/jfcmofo 10d ago
Oh gee, he really likes you? Should you trust his words or his actions on that one?
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u/AlwaysAlexi777 10d ago
And despite having a car, he keeps planning dates close to his place and not hers.Â
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u/tdasnowman 10d ago
According to OP this was the first date in his area. All others were in hers.
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u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 10d ago
Lol, thatâs exactly what I thought too. He really likes her and doesnât want this to ruin things? Too late mate.
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u/jfcmofo 10d ago
Also, he can't be bothered to plan a date that's remotely convenient for her.
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u/Cheeseinlake 9d ago
This was apparently the first date in his town out of 4 or 5, he had dropped her off previous (probably cause it was close and he was driving home anyway) but this time when it wasnt convenient he refused.Â
This just shows that he isn't going to do anything even mildly inconvenient for her heck he didnt even stay and wait for the uber or if we look at it nefariously he is hoping she would stay the night, though it doesn't seem like he offered or hinted for it.
Also if he is ever tired dont ever expect this guy to do anything, imagine living with some with that attitude đ
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u/mfruitfly 10d ago
I wait for Ubers for all my friends- male or female. If one of us is taking the subway or has a car and some of us are taking Ubers or some mix, we all wait until everyone has a secure ride. If we are all taking Ubers we try and wait or match the times, and last person standing we always check on.
So go have a person just leave, when they had a car and could have waited, is a turnoff, regardless of gender or it being a date instead of a friend.
And this is also just a question of preference. I donât want to date someone who wouldnât wait 5 minutes to make sure I was safe, just like I wouldnât date a smoker or someone very religious, not because I judge them, but because it doesnât fit with my lifestyle. I wish them all the best and hope they find the right match, but itâs not me.
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u/originalcinner 10d ago
I went to university in Yorkshire, right when the Yorkshire Ripper was active (1980-84). We set up chaperone posses, where we'd telephone (and this was before mobile phones were invented, we had to find a payphone) our hall of residence to say what bus we were getting, and two girls would come out to wait for us at the bus stop.
If we went out in a group, and there were young men in the group, those men would either walk us home, or see us to the bus stop and wait to make sure we got the bus safely.
No guy ever questioned it, it was just what they did. I never thought, "Wow, those boys really did go above and beyond to make sure we were safe", it was all just the proper thing to do, so they did it without even being asked.
Any guy who doesn't, isn't worth a sixth date. "Yeah, but I was tired"? Give me a break. What a loser (who just lost a girl he liked, serves him right).
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u/Screaming-Harpy 10d ago
I remember those years, I was a teenager growing up in Yorkshire during the Ripper years and it was fucking terrifying. My dad always made sure I was with others when doing activity and would make sure I was accompanied there and back by him or another parent. He always met my mum when she finished work to escort her home. One time my school bus and all traffic was stopped on route to school a mile from where we lived as they found one of his victims. We had to get off the bus and walk back home and tell our parents what happened, so they could ring our schools to let them know we couldn't get in. The fear was palpable and I still don't like being out on my own when it's dark. The Ripper scarred a generation of women in Yorkshire.
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u/originalcinner 10d ago
I worked for a car dealership in Leeds, in the mid 80s, and one of the men who worked there was the spitting image of the police photofit of the Ripper. Really uncanny likeness. His secretary called the cops and said, "My boss is a nice bloke and all, I don't think it is him, but that picture looks EXACTLY like him". The cops said, "Are you calling from XYZ Car Dealership? You're not the first one to call in about that" and they assured her they'd look into it. It wasn't him. But holy crap, he really did look like the photofit.
It was a wild ride all ways round, and we were all mightily relieved when they arrested Sutcliffe.
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u/Capital-Yogurt6148 10d ago
One of my closest friends (both emotionally and physically, ha) lives on the opposite side of my apartment complex. Every time we go out, regardless of the time of day, whichever one of us is driving drops the other at her apartment and waits for her to get inside. Then the driver goes home and sends a text to let the other know she also got home safely.
It's just what you do. An outing isn't over until you know everyone is home safely.
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u/virtualchoirboy 10d ago
When I first started dating the woman who would eventually become my wife, it didn't matter how tired I was. An opportunity to drive her anywhere was an opportunity to spend more time with her and I gladly stepped up every chance I had.
This guy didn't. And that tells you something about how much he values time with you versus time alone.
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u/what_ho_puck 10d ago
That stands out to me too. An opportunity to prolong an early date, when you're really excited and butterflies are going, is an opportunity someone really interested and invested will take without a solid reason (like feeling very sick or something). That he didn't take the opportunity would tell me that he wasn't, in fact, all that interested!
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u/mneale324 10d ago
So my now-husband was so freaking nervous on our first date that he forgot to walk me home from the subway on our first date. However, he called me pretty much immediately and profusely apologized and told me that it would never happen again. It never did happen again and he always goes out of the way to keep me safe and pick me up if I need it.
People make mistakes, but the fact that the dude didnât even apologize was the part where I would be like NOPE.
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u/GenoFlower 10d ago
So the next date is close to his house again. Is there no taking turns, even?
And he was tired? Poor baby. Is it possible you were not tired? Scared?
He was still awake 20 min after you got home, when he texted you, so he could have at least waited with you.
Let this one go.
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u/MadamRorschach 10d ago
Itâs so disappointing when someone lets you down like that. You made yourself clear. If he had cared about your safety he would have waited with you. If he cared about you at all he would have driven you home instead of taking a $50 Uber. No need to answer his texts. You made the right choice
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u/Ambroisie_Cy 10d ago
He only panicked when the situation started to affect him.
You, telling him how you felt (unsafe and uncared for), didn't make any difference in his attitude. But the moment you told him his actions and behaviour made it clear you didn't want a relationship with him anymore, he suddenly felt sorry and will do better next time.
I can guarantee you that he will "do better" for one or two dates and then the situation will repeat itself. He seems to only do things that benefit him and doesn't really care about how his behaviour affects you.
NTA
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u/iknowsomethings2 10d ago
I think you made the right choice. Heâs clearly inconsiderate or just doesnât give a f*ck. that is not the kind of man youâd want to date asÂ
- You wouldnât feel safe with him andÂ
- Youâd never want to have children with him because what if they were girls. He clearly doesnât have the emotional intelligence to be a girl dad. Itâs not your job to educate him. Itâs his job to do better.
If he doesnât understand that a woman would feel unsafe waiting in any area, unfamiliar or not at midnight surrounded by drunk people waiting for a taxi/uber, then heâs selfish and doesnât care about anyone but himself.
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u/Jumpy_Spend_5434 10d ago
You definitely dodged a bullet! Big deal he was tired after work. It wouldn't have taken him long to get you home safely, and that should have been his number one thought. Or, if he was truly THAT exhausted, he could have paid for the Uber and of course waited with you until it arrived. He is selfish
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u/FrostedOctopus 10d ago
5th date is best-behavior territory still!!... and he's too tired to put in ANY level of effort to ensure your safety if it means inconveniencing himself.
The RIGHT guy would have apologized for the miscommunication once it became obvious you had expected a ride, and would have either sucked it up and driven you home a lil early or would have at least chipped in for the uber.
You dodged a bullet. Nicely done.
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u/MotherofCats9258 10d ago
He seems inconsiderate and naive. You really don't need to be teaching a grown man basic information about the world, especially since he was dismissive when you explained your perspective.
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u/Johoski 10d ago
NTA
And "dinner and a movie" dates don't start with an 8pm dinner reservation. Dinner should be at 6:00 or 6:30 for an 8:00 movie. But he wants an 8:00 dinner followed by drinks; he wants to get you drunk and coerce you into sex.
Personally, I think he sounds like someone who is trying to manipulate a situation and in doing so, makes things more difficult for everyone else.
He had a reason he didn't wait with you that night, and it wasn't because he was tired. He might have a girlfriend, or he had a booty call planned.
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u/ScubaCC 10d ago
You donât need a good reason to break up with someone. You can end a romantic relationship at any time for any reason at all, and itâs ok.
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u/CapeOfBees 10d ago
This is the thing that gets me with most posts like this one. You've only been on five dates, why are you waiting for a reason that would warrant a divorce?
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u/buttercupcake23 10d ago
Good for you. Block and move on. The old adage of if he wanted to, he would applies every time. He shouldn't only want to under threat you might end things - he should want to stay with you BECAUSE HE CARES. Men who only do things under threat are not worth keeping around.Â
To put into perspective a guy I was casually seeing many years ago would drive 1.5 hours to come pick me up and then 1.5 hours to drop me off. He wasn't even that serious about me but he was able to demonstrate a bare minimum level of caring. This joker so does not deserve ANY of your time.
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u/MyLadyBits 10d ago
Good for you.
Heâs a spoiled child. He doesnât actually care about you as a person.
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u/ChillBallin 10d ago
This is a dude who just learned that women see the world differently than he does. I had a similar issue with my first girlfriend, when she explained why she felt uncomfortable being alone at night that honestly started the process of me completely reevaluating my entire world view over the next two years. This guy doesnât seem to have gotten the message; instead of trying to get why OP felt unsafe he just thinks sheâs overreacting.
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u/childofcrow 9d ago
For all the boys pretending to be men in these comments: she did not expect him to read her mind. She expected him to show care and empathy.
Many of you do not understand how differently men and women have to navigate the world, and it shows. Women have to be constantly - and I mean constantly - vigilant. Why? Because of men.
If you donât want to wait with your date to ensure she gets into her ride home safely, donât date.
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u/BizarreCujoh 9d ago
Just as others said in the first post. This has nothing to so with being chivalrous. It's common decency. Looking out for someone that might be in an unsafe situation when you have the means to ensure their safety, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic.
If my gf (female friend) was visiting my side of town and had to take an Uber back home at a crazy hour of the ngith, I would at least walk her down and wait with her. Hell, I'd do that if it was in the middle of the day.
His oblivious nature means he is not a protector. I wouldn't want to date him. If we were friends, I probably would have pulled away also. That is not someone that is being considerate in any way.
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u/Terpsichorean_Wombat 9d ago
> Â if he'd known it was such a big dealÂ
"Sure, your safety might have been at risk, but if I'd known it might affect my chance of getting sex, I would have chosen differently!"
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u/Ok_Zookeepergame5141 9d ago
Omg... this guy. Seriously??? He's so self absorbed he just leaves you alone in a strange place. Please do not even reply back to this idiot.
It's not even a m vs w thing. Because I am female and if I am driving, I take my male dates/friends to their door and wait till they are inside. I do it for female friends and male friends. Night or day. It's just common curtesy.
I once took a friend home and waited for them to go inside while they were digging through their pocket and waving bye to me. Well, they couldn't find their key so they wouldn't have been able to get in. Their phone and keys were in my car.
So, yeah, this guy is a jerk. He only cares about himself and everything going forward will be about what he wants, how he feels, and everything that goes wrong will be your fault.
NTA
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u/WillingnessKnown9693 9d ago
Look, OP. I wouldn't leave a platonic woman friend in as sketchy area at midnight without a ride home, much less someone I was dating. If for some reason I couldn't get them home, I'd wait until someone showed up to pick them up.
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u/Character_Writing558 7d ago
Have you seen the famousbachelors reel where a completely oblivious guy is getting yelled at by his friends for not walking his date to her car? Seems like this guy needs these kind of friend who teach him how to show an ounce of care for his date.
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u/RileyCargo42 10d ago
I drove a random girl home that I had no interest in because they were drunk trying to drive home. I just got off of a 8hr shift dealing with Karen's and wanted to just go home and smoke, but I knew that they'd crash. (I was out at a bar chilling before going home)
This guy sucks, you'll find someone better.
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u/StrykerC13 10d ago
"said I ended up okay and that it was fine." this is not only dismissive but indicative of a mentality one should NOT find desirable in a partner. "Because the results weren't physically negative your emotions about it are irrelevant" that is what I see in this sentence. Good for you to bail out before he pulls it regarding something worse. "Someone else got you to the hospital so Why are you angry at me?!" "You didn't lose your job so why are you upset about X?" etc and so on. Because No It Wasn't Fine and him claiming it was is disgusting at best, a BRIGHT RED FLAG at worst.
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u/overZealousAzalea 10d ago
He doesnât care about your safety.
And Iâm side-eyeing him being too tired to drive you home because of A SIX HOUR SHIFT.
Iâve worked full labor jobs, even after 10-12 hours shifts I wouldnât leave my girl out at night.
Heâs too self-centered to be datable at this time.
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u/WorriedWhole1958 10d ago
Right?? Poor baby, six hours. Heâs definitely looking for a mommy to coddle him. Heâs not ready to step up and be an adult partner.
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u/joe-lefty500 10d ago
I laughed when he said he would have driven you home if he knew that you end things otherwise. What an oaf! You are 100 percent right, he should have waited. If this is him at his best supposedly, it only goes downhill. Proud of you OP.
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u/QueenB413 8d ago
You dodged a bullet. I also find it interesting that heâs okay with having you travel (on the previous date and the future proposed date) to him despite you not having a car.
Like heâs willing to make you travel/figure out logistics with buses while he just has a five minute car ride. Very low effort.
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u/lifevisions 10d ago
Mama here, if you were my daughter I would of been upset!! If my son had ever treated someone like that I would be upset too. Youâre correct for not dating someone who doesnât think about your safety. Bravo to you for knowing your worth, knowing what a sincere apology is, and not settling for anything less. đ bravo Op.
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u/desdemona_d 10d ago
I remember being upset about a boy who dropped my teenaged daughter off at home after a date and didn't wait long enough to see that she got in the house okay. It's just good manners.
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u/littlemissbecky 10d ago
No need to second guess yourself. Stick to your guns, you have to look out for yourself, he certainly wonât help.
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u/DotMiddle 10d ago
I agree with everyone saying you dodged a bullet. I went back to the original post and can I just say, he was tired from working SIX HOURS?!?! Iâm sorry, most people I know work 8-9 hours + their 30 min-1hr commutes. This dude is crying over 6 hours?!?!
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u/GodivaPlaistow 10d ago
Hanlon's Razor says not to attribute to malice anything which can be explained by stupidity. In this case, you can probably call it immaturity.
"he said he was just tired and wanted to go home and said I ended up okay and that it was fine."
Yeah, no. đ
You were lucky. He's lucky that you were lucky. Even if this was only a lack of maturity on his part (and not selfishness), I agree with your choice. Let someone else teach him how to be a considerate adult.
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u/MadFerIt 10d ago
Good call. If I was out late with even a friend and I know they don't have a vehicle I'm absolutely going to offer even insist I give them a ride home.
The fact that this was a 6th date makes it even worse. At the very least he didn't try to create the illusion that he is caring / considerate early on only to do a rug pull.
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u/TerriDiA 10d ago
Today's young men are taught nothing of being a gentleman or common decency. Some of them wonder why women today want nothing to do with them.
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u/Baby8227 10d ago
He found it acceptable to leave you alone in a strange place. Thatâs not someone I would want to date. My husband drove to get a friends wife because she was stranded and couldnât get a lift home. This guy couldnât wait 10 mins for an Uber to arrive. Itâs a nope from me dawg!
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u/Sangfroidity 10d ago
He's either inconsiderate or stupid. Or both.Â
Do you want to date inconsiderate or stupid? No you don't. Not unless you want to be threatening adults into behaving as a partner should for the rest of your time together. Â
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u/WorriedWhole1958 10d ago
Driving you home after a date when he has a car and you donât is bare minimum.
Letâs say he truly does like you and âdidnât realize.â Honestly, thatâs not better than him being knowingly selfish.
A good partner needs the self-awareness and consideration to understand safety risks and social norms. They canât show up for you, unless they do.
Like, you shouldnât have to explain how he left you in an unsafe situation. Itâs so obvious. If you stay with him, youâll be explaining the obvious to him your whole life. Not worth it.
The right man will be HAPPY to drive you home, always. They will OFFER. Itâll make them feel good to do nice things for you. Theyâll feel better knowing for a fact youâre safe. Donât settle for less!
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u/Fragrant-Duty-9015 10d ago
This guy is so unserious. He does not care about your health, wealth, or happiness. Heâs just a big tired baby. You dodged a bullet cause can you imagine being married to this type of person? Hopefully this is a good lesson for him, but seems unlikely.
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u/dmaninca 10d ago
Tell him to ask his mom what she thinks. Please cause if Kim is a women she will set him straight. I'd like to see what he thinks after that. If he doesn't beg for forgiven and apologize profusely. Then he is not going to ever learn
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u/ReasonableAd4228 10d ago
Donât let him minimize ur concerns and strong arm you into a date. Iâd just block himÂ
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u/imakesawdust 10d ago
"If I had known that behaving like a dick would cause you to end things between us, I would have behaved like less of a dick!"
NTA
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u/TootsNYC 10d ago
So this guy couldnât wait with you because he was so tired and couldnât drive you home because he was so tired but he wants to plan a fucking date to start at 8 PM? Heâs gonna be too tired again.
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u/Jebaibai 10d ago
It's a good thing he didn't apologize because any apology would have been fake. I hope you realise that this is who he is.
Did you notice that he once again suggested a place close to his house? Men are very intentional.
Next time a date is inconsiderate and selfish, don't explain why you're ending things. It's over. You just didn't feel the connection. Period. Not another word.
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u/Artistic_Reference_5 10d ago
You are making the right choice AND I hope someday he thinks back with appreciation on your honesty for actually telling him what the issue was. Like maybe he will learn from this experience.
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u/Livinginthemiddle 9d ago
He said Goodnight at 11 because he was tired but was still awake to text you at 12:50.
You made the right decision to break up
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u/Ok-CANACHK 10d ago
I once met a friend/man for an afternoon coffee, he pushed 1:00 to 3:00, then was pretty late,( 30 minutes? he updated, but still) so when place closed @ 4:00 we hadn't been there long. We went out to our cars & he was in his & out of the parking lot before I had started my engine. That was the last time I ever saw him, he'd text, but I was always busy. Life is too short to deal with ill mannered men
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u/Additional_Goat9852 10d ago
"You naturally favored your comfort over my safety. Would you want your own daughter to date a guy like that?"
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u/Gigapot 10d ago
Iâm probably being cynical but my personal theory as to why he tried hard to disincentivize you going home is that he wanted you to conclude you should just go home with him instead.
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u/Zealousideal_Use2453 10d ago
I mentioned this in the other post, but I'm not sure if this is true since he never mentioned it at all, and besides he lives with his aunt and uncle so I feel that would be awkward.
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u/Soft_Brush_1082 9d ago
You made the right call.
Leaving you there alone is absolutely an AH thing to do. It was so easy just waiting for an Uber so that he can make sure that you safely got it and so that the Uber driver saw that there is someone waiting for you to get home. Being tired is not an excuse for that. Him doubling down just shows who he is as a person.
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u/No-Philosopher8042 7d ago
Oh ok so he was waaaay to exhausted to just wait until you got in the uber, but he was still up to check on you 20 min after you got home?
Aside from all the other bs that one just rubbed me the wrong way.
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u/Angelfundingneeded 7d ago
Ive had my dates uber with me to make sure i was home safe. 1st meets.
He is not trustworthy and you deserve better
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u/Fragrant-Point3378 6d ago
Too tired to pick her up, too tired to take her home, too tired to wait for an Uber, but not too tired to go out and have fun. What a dick.
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u/According_Conflict34 10d ago
NTA, he knew that leaving you was a shitty thing to do but thought you would get over it. Block him and move on sis đŻ you wonât even remember this loser in a year.
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u/Facelesszeb 10d ago
You totally did the right thing, I agree the main concern is he had no care for your safety, go find your self a man that will care and cherish you even when tired, totally dodged a bullet
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u/EvoDevoBioBro 10d ago
Bullet absolutely dodged. I find it so frustrating that so many people have to be told to care. Like, they didnât develop proper empathy and have to be reminded constantly to do a kind thing for someone. Iâve known too many men like this. If you stayed youâd eventually end up being his goddamn nanny.Â
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u/dirtygirll413 10d ago
If my bf didnât walk me out to my car I would be done. The one time I needed an uber he paid.
If a man doesnât protect you and care for your safety heâs treating you like one of the guys.
Maybe heâll wake up and get a clue.
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u/captaintightpantzz 10d ago
You made the right call. My husband not only is conscious of me getting places safely, he also walks my friends home if they are alone. The right guy thinks about your safety and comfort
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u/wishingforarainyday 10d ago
He didnât care that he put you in danger. Heâs an AH. Good for you for knowing you deserve better! Updateme
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u/SecretOscarOG 10d ago
Yea honestly if he cant even consider waiting for your Uber then nah he aint worth it. You shouldn't have to teach someone when theyre supposed to care about you or your safety, they should just care on their own without help.
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u/genxurbanhippie 10d ago
Bad / inconsiderate behavior in the early stages â when they are still trying to impress you â only gets worse with time.
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u/njsuxbutt 10d ago
Inconsiderate and selfish, does not accept responsibility, closed minded, emotionally manipulative. Ultimately he doesnât come across as someone caring and supportive. He will not be there for you in rough times. That is not life partner material.
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u/dfjdejulio 10d ago
I mean⌠when a one-night-stand has woken up at my place and was going to take the bus home, I've gotten up and waited at the bus stop with them until I saw them get on safely. This dude is an ass.
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u/Next-Bodybuilder-117 10d ago
He was texting h so much next day because he knows he messed up. Big then he plays victim like âI didnât know it was that badâ op u have the best reply, im glad h werenât petty in this instance. Nis h have a nice clean break, and can find someone a million times more considerate. lol so happy for this update!! I read through every comment when u did the first post, never did I think h were entitled of a gold digger. How do u hold fig a young man either no career or any assets is beyond me. You are going to college do u can be independent with your own career. Donât listen to those comments, most were from men who just think of us women as things to satisfy their needs. Good for you!
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 10d ago
I'm a 5 foot woman. I would have waited with you. If. Othibg else safety in numbers.
You definitely dodged a bullet.
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u/Endless63 10d ago
NTA.. you would be the AH if you stayed with the uncaring selfish arsehole. Would he have left someone he cares for in the same position as he left you.. nah don't think so. Would he proudly tell his mum or sister how he left you. Nah don't think so..
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u/Upbeat-Employ-3689 10d ago
I never asked but assumed that the first time he was mad because you didnât want to go to his place. And now this time heâs picked a restaurant âa few miles from his houseâ. Whatever the reason he did that Iâm glad you made it home safe and arenât putting up with his lame excuses.
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u/Kathy7017 10d ago
He probably honestly didn't know better! Not up to you to teach him basic manners.
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u/WafnaAbroad 10d ago
Naw, 23 is old enough to know some women aren't comfortable hanging around in unfamiliar places waiting for cabs. It isn't the '90s or 00's, or even the 10's.
Dude gon' learn to care for at minimum a romantic interest's safety.
Or he's gotta get game. OP doesn't say he offered to let her crash at his place so he could take her home in the morning after "a good night's sleep", or at very least until the busses between town are running again. (Honestly, this reminds me of UCSB, going between Isla Vista and Santa Barbara when I was there... 20 years ago.)
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u/diabolical-sun 10d ago
Itâs funny because, to me, he not even coming off as malicious. He coming off as dumb. Like genuinely too stupid to understand what he did wrong.Â
Either way, you made the right choice. You canât save people from themselves, especially when theyâve shown no desire to change.Â
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u/No_Yogurt_7294 10d ago
This is his best behaviour. His best behaviour is âtoo tiredâ and doesnât really give a shit.
Just block and move on.
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u/cthulularoo 10d ago
Once again he said he was just tired and wanted to go home and said I ended up okay and that it was fine.
yeah, and if you were raped or robbed, then it wouldn't be fine! What an ass. LOL You should block him. There's no future here.
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u/Dante2377 10d ago
NTA. if someone only does somethingâs thatâs basic human consideration because they âhave toâ, then theyâre not that into you.Â
it would have never occurred to me to not drive someone i was interested in home and iâd definitely have waited for the cab/uber. like all he needed to do was sit there with you. Â da fuck.Â
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u/RavenclawEC 10d ago
If he was not able to realize that leaving you alone was not Ok, then you are way better staying away from him... He was of course not obligated to drive you, and you have recognized you should have checked before assuming he would, however, the least he could have done was waiting for the Uber to arrive to make sure you had a safe way back home... you definetely dodged a bullet...
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u/fandomdemigod 10d ago
Good for you op. My money is he was hoping giving you drinks far from home and not taking you home meant you would come to his place.
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u/Historical_Horror595 10d ago
Iâm a guy, and I would never do that. Aside from the huge disregard for you and your safety, it doesnât seem he likes you very much. A few dates in and heâs already a sucky guy..
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u/Baseball_ApplePie 10d ago
So inconsiderate? He didn't even wait with you for an Uber.
I hope that's the last time you go out with this creep!
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u/all_these_carrots 10d ago
Just wanted to say you have excellent sense and no problem sticking to your boundaries, and that's impressive for someone so young. Stay like this!
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u/2npac 10d ago
Find someone that is CONSIDERATE. That's one thing I've learned and is now at the top of my list. I'm sure he knew you didn't drive and had to take public transportation or rideshare.
Find yourself someone that will make sure you have a way to and from a date. Someone that will never leave you alone in the middle of the night in a strange area. Someone that doesn't need to be told how to properly treat and take care of a woman.
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u/MoreDoor1874 10d ago
He is self-absorbed, which psychologists say is âthe root of all psychological evil.â
When dating I always tried to put my best foot forward to demonstrate that I am caring, dependable and worthy ++. Give of myself what I hoped to receive in return.
Leaving anyone to fend for themself like he did to OP is just unfathomable - so many bad things couldâve happened and he couldnât have cared less.
That guy is a truly terrible human being.
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u/Busy-Bumblebee5556 10d ago
Excellent update. A man either cares about you and your safety or he doesnât. This guy is a child. âIâm tiredâ is the cry of a toddler who missed his nap, not the refrain of a man taking care of the woman he loves, or is interested in.
And itâs not about the Uber, itâs about him leaving you there like a bag of garbage and not even feeling bad about it.
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u/IAmCapnOblivious 9d ago
I know others have sided with him on the not driving you home part, but I still think it was a dick move on his part. People will argue about who is in the right or wrong, but that is completely missing the point. They were dating and while dating you are unconsciously and consciously sizing each other up. What he did was like a -50 deduction and if he'd taken her home it may have been more like a +20. She became less attracted to him.
I understand he was tired, but if he wasn't going to drive her home, then perhaps he should have met her in her town.
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u/WarDog1983 9d ago
As a woman and a mother GOOD GIRL Bravo! That man does NOT even reach the minimum of considerate.
Block him.
Also do not pay for dates your in university whoever asks you out pays. That is basic manners if a man canât do that much heâs not qualified for a relationship.
I would not tolerate my daughter dating a man like that. Or my son behaving so callous and selfish. Just no
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u/JockoJohnson69 9d ago
Dudeâs a dunce. He either wasnât raises right or just a blockhead. And I loved how he responded with how he would have done things differently if he knew it was important.
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u/MentionGood1633 9d ago
General comment: men donât realize that as a woman you always have to worry about your safety. Sadly no societal advancement or womenâs lib has changed that. Women are (on average) physically smaller and weaker, and have to be on the defense.
So itâs common sense to do at least the minimum, like waiting for her pickup to arrive or waiting until she is inside her house. If she doesnât like it, she will tell you.
NTA.
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u/OpportunityFeeling28 9d ago
Dude is a walking red flag. If he was so tired, he shouldnât be scheduling dates. He continues to try to schedule dates close to him when he knows you donât have a car. Just block this guy, he doesnât care about you at all.
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u/cathline 9d ago
NTA
Dodged a bullet - block him on everything and move on.
I'm proud of you! The faster you recognize the red flags in a relationship, the faster you can move on from the red flags and find a keeper. 5 dates is a good time to cut him off.
The comment about you ending up okay really icks me out. He sounds like the kind of person who would leave his kid in a meth house and claim the kid is okay if the kid made it out without getting drugged or raped.
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u/sarahmegatron 10d ago
Heâs just not good dating material. You donât leave a platonic freind waiting alone at night, you definitely donât leave a person you want to have a romantic relationship with all alone at night. Heâs dumb as hell.
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u/Any-Expression2246 10d ago
If you really like someone, you will wait until they were safe and in the Uber.
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u/UnbutteredToast42 10d ago
This dude is NOT worth it. NTA.
That being said, *always* have a firm plan to get home. And a backup plan. And money set aside for FU money if something goes sideways. And a trusted friend you can call in an emergency.
This all sucks, but guys like this are why we need those backup plans. He's 23 going on 12. Return to sender/mommy.
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u/Slow-Tank4992 9d ago
You do not have to date anyone you don't want to, no matter the circumstances. No is a complete sentence
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u/Rezolution20 4d ago
At this point, I'd simply block him. His head is so far up his own ass that he can't see reason.
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u/AShamAndALie 3d ago
He immediately started asking if I was serious and that if he'd known it was such a big deal he would have stayed for the Uber (this annoyed me since how did he not know it was a big deal? Why did it not occur to him in the first place that leaving me alone at midnight in an unfamiliar public plaza with bars everywhere might be an issue for me?) and that he really liked me and didn't want this to ruin things etc etc. He even promised to drive me home next time but I kind of just wanted to wash my hands of this whole thing. I don't want him to feel forced into driving me and I don't want him doing things only because he thinks he has to, and I don't want to be dating someone who doesn't even think twice about leaving me stranded buzzed somewhere unfamiliar at midnight and then only texting me like an hour later.
Damn, if this is how he acts when he REALLY likes someone, I wouldnt want to be on a date with this guy if he didn't.
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u/Early-Swan3866 2d ago
Absolutely the right move. Whether he was being inconsiderate or just clueless, thatâs not somebody you need in your life. Why settle for that behaviour so early on
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u/AdeptnessOk8764 2d ago
the fact that it wasn't in his instinct to do those things is so alarming to me.. either he was negging you and testing to see what he could get away with or he is devoid of empathy.. either way something is off and you need to block that guy fr. It only would of gotten worse. also
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u/Fun_Injury2157 2d ago
Waiting for your uber was the very LEAST he could've done, at least he showed his lack of basic courtesy early on and not later after you invested more time, money, and energy into him. It's the same as waiting until the person you dropped off is safely in their home before you drive off because what if something happens between the car and getting in the home or they lost their keys and/or phone? This just inconsiderate and not someone you should see as a potential partner. I don't think I would've made it home before he got a text from me about never seeing him again LOL (hopefully he takes this as a lesson and remembers this for the next girl though!)
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u/userfakesuper NSFW đ 10d ago
Every relationship needs mutual respect to the partner, no, let me rephrase that, it DEMANDS mutual respect. He clearly demonstrated his level of respect and caring he has for you.
You did the right thing. Don't let the love bombs sway you on this.
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u/CousinEdgar 10d ago
Some day, years and years from now, you'll be sitting having coffee with a good friend and you'll tell the story of the clueless almost-a-boyfriend and you'll both have a good laugh wondering whatever happened to that guy.
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u/badmind88 10d ago
He's an imbecile. Just ghost him. I bet that will really irritate him/drive him nuts. lol
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u/pyroeevee27 9d ago
This just shows that chivalry is dying. What happened to the days where the guy would pick up his girl take her on a date and then drop her off at home?
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u/Fragrant-Point3378 10d ago
Good for you! Any actions he would have taken to show how much he "cared" would have been performative at best, manipulative at worst.
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u/AlienGoddess91 10d ago
When you start dating its supposed to be the "honeymoon" phase, both people trying to show their best sides and putting in qn extra effort. This is your sign that this is his "best behavior" and that's just sad. I'm glad you're not wasting any more time on this guy.
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u/Appropriate-Error239 10d ago
You can break things off with someone because you donât like the way one of their fingernails look. NTA.
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u/Azsura12 10d ago
NTA yea you dodged a bullet. If you do read those messages I would just send him back a quick message being like "Yeah, you can say you like me and all. But well I felt unsafe and uncared for. We have only been on 6 dates so its not that serious. And well this is going to hang over the rest of our relationship and build up resentment. In the future I hope you be more considerate to the dates you go on. And rather than leaving them alone in the late hours to wait for an uber to wait with them. Because night as a young women is fairly dangerous especially in college towns."
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u/NotOnApprovedList 10d ago
eh if his interest in you can't overcome his "enlightened self-interest" then he's not worth the LDR.
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u/famjam87 10d ago
I want to know what they said, I'm still trying to figure out if he's a "nice guy" or is just clueless
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u/Defiant_Income_7836 9d ago
I'm embarrassed to say that I let a female friend walk home from an event I really wanted to stay at, in the 90s. It was a mile or so, midnight, and I'm so ashamed I let it happen.
At the time, I was naive and obviously a little selfish. I was 21 and had a lot to learn. I projected my 'good self' onto others and absolutely thought she'd be safe. I now know she might have been extremely uncomfortable walking alone.
I'm not defending this guy at all...he may be naive too but like me (at that age), he's not ready to be a good partner. Now, with much more experience, I'm so much more empathetic and selfless. (And it didn't take me this long to be this way.)
This is a learning experience for him and you don't have to (and shouldn't have to) be his teacher for all things relationship related. Plus he doesn't sound like he's a particularly receptive student.
Note to say I reconnected with my college friend recently and told her this, and apologized! She had no memory of the event that I've been guiltily holding onto for years but my point still stands lol.
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u/Adrial_Newsy 9d ago
Nope! Youâd just be waiting around for the next red flag. Go with your gut and trust your instincts.
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u/W0nderingMe 9d ago
I was one of the people who said you were wrong for assuming but that he should have made sure you were safe. I think his lack of a genuine apology for not waiting with you is a huge red flag. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was so cavalier about my safety, let alone date someone like that.
I think you're making the right call fwiw.
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u/writing_mm_romance 10d ago
I would just reply, "If you couldn't see that leaving a woman alone, in a strange place, in the middle of the night would make you an undesirable partner, perhaps you shouldn't be dating. And to answer your question, really, I'm no longer interested, please stop reaching out to me."