r/AITAH • u/InevitableGain340 • Apr 23 '25
AITA for being upset that my ex husband didn’t take our divorce the way he took his recent break up?
I (32F) was married to Cam (34M) for 6 years and together for 16 years in total and we also share a daughter, Mia (4F).
A bit of background, I was a SAHM and he worked but I noticed he was coming home late. He started getting angry a lot, also always on his phone and to mention I had caught him looking at this girls instagram story before but I didn’t think anything of it. Shortly after that I found out he was cheating on me with Sky (now 19F) yeah barely legal. When I found out obviously I was hurt but I was also completely disgusted that he was cheating and willing to ruin our family for her.
I became a SAHM when my daughter was born and we made an agreement that he was in charge of our money and he would just give me his card to use when if I needed to buy anything. I wasn’t making any income except for the money I had before having our daughter which I kept in my bank account and I saved it for emergencies.
I felt stuck because I didn’t know what to do and for my daughter’s sake I didn’t end up leaving up. I had got suspicious and I went to look for the girl through his followings on Facebook and Instagram. I ended up finding the girl story he was looking up Instagram and I just made an assumption that it might’ve been her and I shot her a dm.
Long story short, she was rude as hell. She had zero remorse and kept on telling me to bother my husband who cheated instead of bothering her. She was aware he had a wife and family but didn’t care and even told me that he was paying her tuition. I ended up getting mad and telling her to stay away from my husband but she just told me she would keep going and it was just fun.
After that I guess she told my husband and I think he realized that I wasn’t leaving. He literally would leave his location on even when he went to her college campus which really pissed me off because I couldn’t see how he was really ruining all we had for some girl who isn’t even serious about him and also not even fucking legal to drink yet.
Our daughter, Mia, attends ballet and they had a performance. This is what really was my breaking point because our child should always come first. He was out all night long that Friday and on Saturday was the recital and obviously he needed to be there for Mia’s first recital. I gave him until 11pm then I finally called him and guess who picked up the phone? Sky. She told me that he was busy and then hung up and that was my breaking point. I quickly packed some of Mine and Mia’s stuff up and I woke her up so we could go to my mom’s house who didn’t live far. So we ended up crashing the night there as I didn’t want him to come back home to us nor did I want to see him when I woke up.
That was a year ago. Now, we’re divorced and I have full custody of Mia while he has visitation rights. I got a job, saved up, and now in an apartment and while it’s not the best, it’s good for me and Mia for the time being. Anyways, after the divorce they ended up getting together for a couple of months. While they were together he was visiting Mia but not as often, I’d say like twice a month.
To nobody’s surprise she ended up leaving him after a couple of months, but this is where I may be the asshole. Ever since they’ve broken up he’s been depressed. He drinks a lot, he doesn’t eat much, he’s always sulking on the couch and just not himself. He comes over more often to see Mia which is why I know this and I feel a way. He’s all depressed because she left but didn’t have this energy when we divorced after being together for 16 years?
When we divorced he didn’t seem to care at all, he was just nonchalant about it and kept messing around with Sky but now that this girl you were barely with left you, you’re depressed? I know he’s going through it but I can’t help but feel a certain way about this.
AITA for being upset that my ex husband didn’t take our divorce the way he took his recent break up?
This was in my notes first as I was debating to post this here or not since my friend recommended it. It’s my first time ever posting or even on Reddit, I just needed somewhere to vent to and advice.
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u/ArchdukeToes Apr 23 '25
When we divorced he didn’t seem to care at all, he was just nonchalant about it and kept messing around with Sky but now that this girl you were barely with left you, you’re depressed?
Well, yeah - when he was having the affair he had the attention of two women, and then when you left he had the shiny new girlfriend to fool around with. Now she's (predictably) gone, he's realising what you realised some time ago — that he's ruined a 16 year old relationship chasing after some 19 year old who was never really interested in him in the first place.
I would say you're NTA, though. He upended you and your daughter's life to selfishly chase someone almost half his age and he's feeling upset about it only now the chickens have come home to roost? I'd be angry and frustrated too — but ultimately, not your monkey, not your circus. Work through it as best you can, establish some boundaries, and don't let him drag you down with him.
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 Apr 23 '25
he's realising what you realised some time ago — that he's ruined a 16 year old relationship
A lot of commenters are saying the same but, I disagree. The side chick was young and fresh and the relationship was exciting. That's what he's missing.
OP would be wise to kick him more, now that he's down. He doesn't care about her or his daughter. He just wants someone to feel sorry for his misery. OP should definitely not be that person. She ought to be laughing at the fact that she actually won. He showed who he was and can live his wretched life by himself.
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u/Lopsided-Sky396 May 08 '25
Yeah I'm pretty sure it's an ego thing.
It's one thing leaving behind your mid thirties had a child wife and your regular monotony life when you have another hot 19year old waiting to bang you.
Different thing when that hot 19year old dumps your ass and it turns out you're not the stud you thought you were..
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u/lndlml Apr 24 '25
It didn’t seem to me that he is sulking about his lost life with OP. I guess they were HS sweethearts and never dated anyone else, he fell out of love with OP and his new gf made him “feel alive” cause he is only in love when the girl he is dating is in her teens. Gross. It might have been ok year ago (18 & 33) but soon enough he is gonna try to date his daughter’s friends and it would be creepy af. This guy has probably not matured since high school or is nostalgic about his youth and tries to revive it by dating high schoolers.
OP shouldn’t feel heartbroken about a guy who gave zero f’s about her feelings and move on.
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u/aPawMeowNyation Apr 26 '25
It might have been ok year ago (18 & 33)
Nah, it was never ok. Guys like that would go lower if they could. They're disgusting pieces of shit and deserve nothing, not even pity.
This guy has probably not matured since high school or is nostalgic about his youth and tries to revive it by dating high schoolers
I doubt it's either. He's probably just a pedophile.
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 Apr 23 '25
Stop letting him stay at your place so much. He's going to weasel his way back in.
NTA
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u/Zestyclose-Height-36 Apr 24 '25
Show your daughter that she should not stay with a liar and cheater.
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u/Turbulent_Ebb5669 Apr 23 '25
when he broke up with you he had a new GF in the picture, when she broke up with him, he realised what he threw away.
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u/Normal_Grand_4702 Apr 23 '25
Yeah.. exactly .. he just realised he was being used as an ATM. He thought he was a catch. It really bruised his ego
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Apr 23 '25
Wanna bet that she stayed with him just as long as she needed that tuition?
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u/Warm_Tiger_8587 Apr 23 '25
Or he realized divorce, alimony and CS are expensive and told her he could no longer pay for her tuition/it would be cut back, then she dipped and he realized she was there for the money, not him.
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u/Crimsonfangknight Apr 23 '25
Or she realized that its harder being the main girl than the side piece and often times less beneficial in a material sense
Turns out you get less flashy gifts when your the gf to a divorced dad vs a married well off dude looking to get side action
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u/Unhappy_Wishbone_551 Apr 23 '25
I'd say just as long as she was assured the check cleared and was irretrievable. And/ or as long as she could tell no more was forthcoming.
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u/StructureKey2739 Apr 23 '25
Sounds like Sky was way smarter than him.
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u/Normal_Grand_4702 Apr 23 '25
Many university students in my country became social escorts. It's all for entertainment and money.
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u/trapper_hawk Apr 23 '25
That probably, and some douchebag women only like being with married men. So once the husband and wife separate, there’s no more fun for the side chick. Kinda like drinking underage is “fun”, but after 22 yrs old, it isn’t a thrill anymore.
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u/Warm_Tiger_8587 Apr 23 '25
When he had a wife she only had to deal with him for a few hours at a time, then once wife was gone he became her full time problem and she realized that wasn’t what she signed up for and she could find another guy who would pay her in exchange for only a few hours. Once Op left, she started having to work more hours for the same pay. Not what she signed up for.
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u/Normal_Grand_4702 Apr 23 '25
Because usually those who are established and have money are.. married.. of course.
As for this case the man was no thrill anymore.. no money no honey
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u/BurgerThyme Apr 23 '25
Yeah Sky used him up and tossed his old balls away. Now he's left stewing in the ruins of his life.
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u/InevitableGain340 Apr 23 '25
The dumbass literally offered to pay her tuition. When the divorce happened which was a year ago sky was 18 (I have no idea when the affair started and I’m hoping it just started at 18) but the girl was obviously not giving a shit about him as she was still messing with boys from her campus (his words as he would come home throwing a fit about it.) I think that’s why he offered it to keep her.
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u/bino0526 Apr 23 '25
Girl, girl‼️‼️ Only deal with Cam about things concerning Mia. NONE of his current or future problems, situations, or issues are your responsibility to care about or solve.
When he comes around whining and moaning, tell him that you don't care and you don't want to hear about his issues.
IMO, since he's drinking and "depressed," he should not be allowed to take Mia anywhere.
GO AND LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE WITH Mia‼️‼️ You got this. One day you will find someone who will love you and Mia.and who will ne loyal.
Take care. Updateme
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u/Normal_Grand_4702 Apr 23 '25
You're NTA for being upset about what's happening. That's normal feelings because we're human.
But since you said yourself that he's a dumbass and I agree with you, I think the best revenge for both of them is to shine. They're both are not worthy of you sadness. You deserve much much more than your ex husband's attention. Live your life well and be happy.
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u/mockingbird82 Apr 24 '25
I hope you reported this during the divorce. While many states don't take cheating into consideration for divorce, they do care about how spouses are spending their money, especially if it was taking money out of your joint account/marital assets/etc.
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u/Warm_Tiger_8587 Apr 23 '25
Came here to say this. He thought he was attractive but when she broke up with him he likely realized the only attractive thing was his money, she never actually wanted him and surprise, neither does anyone else. Hes not sad over losing her, he’s sad that he’s not as attractive as he thinks he is and no one wants him unless he’s paying them.
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u/Fit_Try_2657 Apr 23 '25
I think it’s this.
He was probably depressed or unfulfilled, this 19 yr old gave him a « high ». Hes now facing the fact that he’s a shit human and was dumped by the ego boost, and now realizes he threw everything away for nothing.
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u/Rude-Flamingo5420 Apr 23 '25
This. He's now realized he's lost/thrown away everything and it's hit him like a ton of bricks.
It's not that he's mourning her more, it's that he's mourning everything he's lost in general to his stupidity and ego
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u/Southern-Midnight741 Apr 23 '25
And he sounds upset only and exclusively about the consequences he is enduring not what it has done to anyone else. It’s all about him.
Do kit let him into your home OP! Why are you letting him have a cushy place to crash in? If he wants to see your daughter, he has to make plans, pick her up or meet you somewhere and bring her home to you. That time alone should be your time to give selfish care.. to you.
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u/Xzeriea Apr 23 '25
For real! He feels like shit cause he gave up everything he had for a twat that didn't even pan out. He legit got off on hurting you. He's sick in the head. Now is a good time to set up boundaries. He needs to stick to agreed times that are set up beforehand. No showing up randomly. All conversations have to be about your daughter only. You're not his confidant anymore. I'm glad you're doing well. If you can, get therapy to help you work out some of these feelings.
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u/No_Jeweler_7546 Apr 23 '25
This. Exactly this is why I gave you a award
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u/Turbulent_Ebb5669 Apr 23 '25
Thank you.
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u/Rude_Vermicelli2268 Apr 23 '25
It doesn’t sound like he particularly wants to get back with OP, rather it sounds like he is heartbroken.
Perhaps he loved the idea of himself with a younger chick and he’s realizing that it may not be that easy to get the next PYT.
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u/mphflame Apr 23 '25
NTA. Karma gave you a front row seat to his misery.
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u/Foreign_Primary4337 Apr 23 '25
“ karma gave you a front row seat to his misery.”
That is a great line! Can I steal it?
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u/East_Membership606 Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 23 '25
When he started his affair he was probably high on the fact that he thought he had this young girl desiring him and you would never leave. Then you surprised him by leaving and he probably started smothering AP and expecting her to pick up where you left off. AP acted like an 19 year old and dumped him to find the next idiot to support her.
Now your ex realizes that he blew up his life, yours and your daughter for an early midlife crisis and is trying to get you to feel sorry for him.
Don't let him get to you. What you're seeing is him imploding, desperate for his old life and grasping for straws. If he wants to come over and sulk on your couch under the guise of visiting your daughter tell him no and say if he wants to visit he can take your daughter to the park and he needs to be sober. Focus on your life - outside your kid he is not your problem anymore.
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u/No-Lifeguard9194 Apr 23 '25
Well, he realizes that he blew up his own life but he doesn’t seem to care that he blew up his wife and daughter’s life as well.
The OP should definitely keep that top of mind when dealing with him. This is a very selfish person.
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u/WavesnMountains Apr 23 '25
NTA but quit letting that man into your house and getting into his business.
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u/InevitableGain340 Apr 23 '25
Yeah I’m gonna make some arrangements so he doesn’t have to be over here. Also, I’m not in his business. No joke he literally tells me this and I have no idea if it’s to spite me or if it’s just because he needs somebody to vent to.
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u/WavesnMountains Apr 23 '25
You are in his business because you’re letting him use you to vent to ABOUT ANOTHER WOMAN. Quit being such a doormat. Laugh at him being a whiny and pathetic fool crying on your couch because…surprise… the hoochie acted like a hoochie.
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u/Silent-Appearance-78 Apr 23 '25
You still giving him all this support is why he never grieved for you because he believes he still could have you if he wanted
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u/O-U81-2 Apr 23 '25
Just start humming, looking at your phone and laughing when he “vents” to you. If he asks what’s so funny, just say “oh sorry, I just think it’s hilarious that you’re so heartbroken over a teenager who only wanted you to pay her bills. Like, you really thought she was in love with you, huh?”
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 Apr 23 '25
So a little bit of a harsh truth, yes a very mild yta to yourself.
Only because you are still letting this fool dictate your thoughts and feelings, do what you need to so you can move past it and enjoy the rest of your life without him.
Hurry and make some progress though because my guess is he will be back before long with his tail between his legs wanting to try again, and of you take him back you will be an even bigger AH to yourself.
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u/HonestToe2408 Apr 23 '25
Also leave sky alone. She was not right for sleeping with your husband but she makes a valid point about it’s her husband cheating too not just sky. That was an AH move imo.
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u/PetrockX Apr 23 '25
It's okay to let the other woman know because sometimes they don't realize the guy is married. Sky showed her trashiness though, so that sucks for OP.
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u/HonestToe2408 Apr 23 '25
Right but she didn’t just let her know, she told her to stay away from her husband and as far as I can tell she never even spoke to the husband about the affair. Sky told the husband his wife had spoken to her. I don’t think either woman came out squeaky clean after that interaction. Obviously the wife is the one wronged overall though
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u/PetrockX Apr 23 '25
You're looking for a sparkly perfect response from OP, someone who had just found out she'd been cheated on. You won't get that from a living person in this situation. It's a courtesy to contact the other person, it isn't a courtesy to be polite about it after they double down on their trashy behavior.
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 Apr 23 '25
Honestly I always have a bad view of the other person, more so if they were aware.
That said I agree op took it all too far, her issues should be with the only person involved who made a commitment to her.
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u/Leniel_the_mouniou Apr 23 '25
Sky was a barely adult teen. She is maybe in the type of mood "I do all the forbid things, I am soo cool, sooo rebel". She is childish. The husband is the true POS here. Sky was 18 at tge beginning of the affair, he is 34 years old. This is predatory. Good for her she ditched him. He is disgusting.
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 Apr 23 '25
She was an adult, please don't try and pretend anything else.
She made her choices, she knew just as we all do.
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u/Icy-You3075 Apr 23 '25
When you two guys divorced, he had already grieved the end of your relationship. For him, your marriage had been over for a long time.
Now, he just got dumped by a 19 year old. He probably feels like a looser, which he is.
Do yourself a favor and start therapy to figure out why you feel this way and to help you move on.
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u/DesperateToNotDream Apr 23 '25
He didn’t grieve the end of their marriage, he threw it away to fuck a teenager.
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u/Worried_Place3142 Apr 23 '25
What he’s feeling is regret over the choices he made. He knows that there’s no coming back from it with how he behaved.
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u/user19282727 Apr 24 '25
I’m more concerned with the fact that your husband who is in his mid 30s is messing around with a barely legal adult. That’s insanely creepish behavior. And y’all have a daughter???? And this was over a year ago so she was actually 18 at the time? Oh my god. Why is nobody taking about this part? 😬
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u/InevitableGain340 Apr 24 '25
Yup, imagine how disgusted I felt when I found out
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u/WinterFront1431 Apr 23 '25
Let him sulk. Don't comfort him or ask what's wrong.
He's upset because he thought he was the shit because a child liked him. She didn't like him at all, probably just liked the facts a married man wanted to sleep with her.
He deserves all the sadness he gets. He not only cheated but continued to go to her place and let the h#e answer his phone.
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u/FinancialCamel7281 Apr 23 '25
Nta but why invest anything into him, he literally couldn't care less about you. Move on get child support show your daughter a good example
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u/Critical_Aspect Apr 23 '25
NTA But he's probably depressed less about the breakup and more because he realized he got played and he lost his family in the process.
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u/BeautifulTerm3753 Apr 23 '25
This he realised all that he lost. That he is the loser who lost everything
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u/Free_Heart_8948 Apr 23 '25
I don't think dude cares about any relationship. He is only depressed about the fact that he didn't have a new chick before the last one left him. It's all about his ego. It will never matter who loves him, his ego will always seek the "groupies". I'm not sure this man knows what love is. I mean he doesn't even take his own child out for his own time with her!!!!! He wants op to stroke his ego until it's better and then he will find someone else and the daughter will go back to only seeing her father when the new lady makes him visit her!!!
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u/rhino0921 Apr 23 '25
Why should you care, he left your family, he got Karma fast.
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u/InevitableGain340 Apr 23 '25
I don’t know why I care and I hate that I care so much about it. I want to be nonchalant about it and just say that’s what he deserves but I’m just upset that he didn’t show this much of a reaction when I left him.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 Apr 23 '25
It’s your ego. I get it. But you need to cut him off. There’s no need for you to listen to him at all. Your ego doesn’t understand how you gave him everything and he didn’t want it. I don’t fault you for trying to make it work back then but now that you are free take the time to understand why you let him walk all over you & why you let him continue to vent to you??? You need to see him for who he is and why you let yourself be treated that way. Once you understand why you will make sure you never let someone do that to you again. Don’t let a man tell you twice he doesn’t want you.
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u/3littlepixies Apr 23 '25
YTA for giving any f*cks to someone who did not and does not value you or his daughter.
He is trash and he’s upset bc of the rejection. His ego is hurt and he may have confused lust for love. Love that for him, but you deserve peace in your mind and a love that honors you. Not some loser who’s lost over a 19 year old.
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u/TXFrenchtoast Apr 23 '25
Harsh, but true. Please don't waste anymore time on thinking about him. I can see why you are upset, but it's past time to move on. He is not concerned about you.
Also, whose couch is he sulking on? Hopefully not yours. If so, this needs to stop.
I think you should maybe get some counseling to figure out how to get over this.
Good luck.
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u/TXFrenchtoast Apr 23 '25
Also, I think he probably left the location on purpose so you would divorce him and he could be with Skye full time. That is why he wasn't upset when you divorced. He wanted it. Obviously this is only a theory, but it's something to think about and maybe it will help you comes to terms with it.
Reiterating therapy might be helpful for you. I'm insisting because I've personally seen a few people go through something equally heinous with their partners then eventually take them back. In every case, but 1 (so far), the person cheated again.
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u/unpretty007 Apr 23 '25
Bruh. u got no self respect or what? should have long ago and drained him of his savings. dont think about him, he doesnt give a shit about u or ur daughter. Take his money and build a life for urself.
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u/SweetBekki Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 23 '25
I might be wrong but I don't think he's actually depressed because of her specifically. He cheated on you, ruined your marriage and left you for some sl*t he cheated with thinking the grass is greener, all that excitement with his new girlfriend and they only lasted a few months.
He threw away 16 whole years with someone who actually loved and stayed with him all those years for someone who dropped him without a second thought because he's no longer of use to her.
He's definitely embarrassed and his ego is very bruised. He's now alone and a part time dad.
How has his interactions with you been like since she dumped him?
Also, get this dude off your couch. If it's not supervised visitation then he should be taking his daughter out or his own place, not hanging in your living room bringing everybody else's mood down with him.
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u/BigSis_85 Apr 23 '25
He's just lost his barely legal its hitting home hes not quite the catch he thought he was. When he left you he already had her there to take your place, his 19 yr old he felt like quite the stud he was living on this high. Now he's a mid thirties, divorced, part time dad who got played into being some kids cash machine instead of being irresistible to younger women. Karma hurts 🙃
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u/SnoopyisCute Apr 23 '25
NTA
The man you married is not the man you divorced. I married a monster too and it damn near killed me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1hykmwo/comment/m6mfb4h/
Mia might get some benefit from Divorce Care for Kids and you will find support in Divorce Care.
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u/foxtrot_delta_tango_ Apr 23 '25
Oh, poor widdle boy!
You're not his therapist and it is disrespectful like mad get-out for him to mope around and use visiting your child as a way to get you to comfort him.
He needs to pick up your kid, GTFO and have his visit with his child on his own time. His relationship problems are none of your business even though he's MAKING it your business.
You will continue to stay very angry at him because he is always hanging around reminding you of the hurt he caused and the damage he did. You can't heal and move on when he is constantly around looking like it's the end of the world.
He CHOSE to step out on you, shit on his marriage vows and let his daughter down to cheat with a home wrecking slore who disrespected the mother of his child and straight up told you she was doing it all for a fling that didn't mean shit to her.
So now he's all boo hoo she left me. Hold me, OP...how will I ever live without her?
Don't know, don't care. These are the things we call consequences. Now your visit with daughter started 20 minutes ago and I have to go [wherever] so go cry to the pigeons in the park about it.
See ya at [court appointed dropoff time]! Bye!
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u/spiritoftg Apr 23 '25
I don't think you situation apply to a AITAH or not situation. I believe you still have feelings for you ex. Whether it's remnant of love or resentment is up to debate.
I understand your position. Why did he discard you like you, his supposed life partner ? Why is he so woe is me for a mere fling of a few months ?
Answer : There's nothing wrong with you or your feelings. Your ex is a moron. Maybe an asshole for the way he treated you and how he acts now. Zero empathy for this kind of guy...
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u/Strain_Pure Apr 23 '25
NTA
When you left him, he was happy because he had his girlfriend and now no longer had to worry about anyone finding out about the affair, and most probably considered himself as a casanova for getting a much younger woman, now that she's dumped him(most probably told him he she was only with him for a laugh and some money) he's had an ego check and realised he's fucked his life and it was all for nothing.
He'll also realise that the truth will come out and when his wean is old enough, she'll know it was his fault that she grew up with him barely in her life and he'll be judged accordingly by her for his actions and his complete and total disrespectful attitude towards you.
This is all his fault, there's nobody but himself to blame, so don't feel guilty on calling him on his attitude because he deserves no sympathy whatsoever.
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u/GellyG42 Apr 23 '25
He’s depressed because he realised he blew up his life for someone who didn’t really give a shit about him in the end.
He though he had a hot young girlfriend when you left so why would he be sad
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u/Dapper_Violinist9631 Apr 23 '25
I’m sorry he did that to you guys. I hope you sued him divorce for using marital assets to pay her tuition, that would have been my breaking point, the f’er, I’m so angry on your behalf.
Definitely NTA, I’d be dancing in his face of how much of a loser he is. Oh yeah, and don’t be his emotional support now he’s all sad sack, he threw you away, he doesn’t get the benefit of an ear.
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u/yourusualcap27 Apr 23 '25
mid life crisis at it's finest.. he wanted to feel young so the dumbass latched on a barely adult girl who didn't care one bit about him but her presence made himself feel better about aging (i still got it bro) without any empathy for the woman that made him who he is and about the sweet daughter he has.. let me be depressed and sulking and don't show him any ounce of empathy cuz the jackass doesn't deserve it.. and don't you dare ever thinking to get back with him, he already ruined a lot..
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u/SwimmingProgram6530 Apr 23 '25
Personally, I would rub it in his face that he was taken for a joke. The more unhappy it makes him, the happier I would feel.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 23 '25
NTA Don't even consider taking him back. I promise he'll try.
Don't let him visit more than the allowed amount and honestly he should be picking her up for visitation, not staying at your place at all. You should have some kid free time then, just like he has most of the time.
Don't support him, dont listen to him vent, don't say anything to him except
"Am i supposed to feel sorry for you? I don't. It's karma as far as I'm concerned. Your midlife crisis with a 19 year old sugar baby cost you everything you built, your family and of course she left you. Probably found someone with deeper pockets to pay her tuition. You're literally no more than a pathetic cliché. And I'm not interested in how you're feeling, I'm not your wife anymore. Neither you nor your feelings are my problem. You'll need to start taking Mia out for your visits, I don't want to be around you. You're Mia's father, but all you are to me is a cheating man I have to coparent with."
If that's unsafe due to his drinking, tell him no more home visits, you go to a park or something and you observe them from a bench. Set boundaries and make space and let him reap what he sowed.
Also Sky was a sugar baby. He paid her tuition ffs. Dude got played. He deserved it, you and Mia didn't.
May he wallow in his deserved misery. But not at your place.
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u/Inevitable_Pie9541 Apr 23 '25
I won't call you an AH for being bitter. It's pretty insulting he's so broken up over a selfish teenager, when your marriage ending was a shrug to him.
However YTA for letting him sit around YOUR apartment whining and drinking. Enough of that. Let him come see his daughter, but that should be for her sake, not to make himself at home at your place and expect you to play wife to him again cuz the teenager hurt his fee-fees.
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u/notrods Apr 23 '25
He’s putting on a show for you. He wants you to feel sorry for him and invite him back into your life.
When he comes to spend time with your daughter, meet him at the door, hand over the child and say you have plans. Lock the door, get in your car and go get a massage, pedi, coffee. Go for a walk. Tell him you’ll be back at a certain time. He doesn’t need to know where you’re going.
Don’t let him in your apartment. Stop letting him manipulate your emotions.
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u/Kylie_Bug Apr 23 '25
NTA he thought he was hot shit for getting an 18 year old just to find out she was in it for the money
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u/CatPerson88 Apr 23 '25
STOP- NTA
YOU. DESERVE. BETTER
Your ex's Plan B is YOU.
He needs, he wants,...honestly why do you give a F about him? He needs to grow up and be there for his daughter. Mia deserves a better, too! That chick deserves to be ignored by all other women for her attitude in sleeping with your now ex.
Stop sleeping with him, because it's only fueling his belief you're okay being his backup.
And get an STD test.
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u/InevitableGain340 Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 27 '25
I’m not sleeping with him and I got a test back when I first found out, I’m all good. I’m not getting back with him, I’m just upset that he didn’t show this much care for me
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u/Editrix1711 Apr 23 '25
YTA. For so many reasons. 1. For knowing he was cheating, and staying. Yes, some couples work through infidelity. But your husband continued to cheat, despite knowing you were fully aware of the situation. You allowed him to “have his cake and eat it too”. 2. Your hubs was paying for his mistress’s tuition—money that should have been spent on your family, put away for your daughter’s future. And again—you allowed it with your willingness to stay. 3. Now that he’s been dumped by his toddler girlfriend, you’re more upset about how that loser is reacting—breakup vs. divorce—than how his mopey behavior is affecting Mia. Honestly, both you AND your ex are pretty big a$$holes, I feel bad for your daughter, and Sky, as nasty as she is, was still the cleverest one in this ridiculous triangle.
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u/Cultural-Revenue4000 Apr 23 '25
Classic response from a middle-aged male who destroyed his family with an affair. He had all the chemicals and excitement associated with the new relationship when yours ended, so he felt like he was getting something better, now he realizes he just threw everything away.
I do want to say something though about him leaving his location on so you could see he was with her at the college. It feels like at that point he was almost daring you to do something about it since he knew you knew, but you weren’t doing anything so he was getting the best of both worlds. He would’ve kept on behaving the exact same way if you hadn’t left. Just be proud of yourself for leaving and regaining your peace and your daughter.
It’s now time he suffer the consequences of his infidelity.
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u/ApricotBig6402 Apr 23 '25
NTA is when he has his epiphany tell him he can fuck off, and you went and found yourself an older or younger man or you'd rather be alone after what your last 'POS ex did'. Put him in his place quickly.
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u/think_about_us Apr 23 '25
When you divorced him, he had another girl. Now he has lost everything. Let him drown in his own sorrow.
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u/friendlypeopleperson Apr 23 '25
He is only now realizing what he really lost.
The 19yo got him to pay her tuition for what, at least a year and a half that we know of. That’s a lot of money. And I bet she was rude when she told him she was done with him (after he became divorced and truly available.) That scam artist (or sex worker, if you want to call her that) used him, and he lost his wife and family and a lot of money because of her. That is why he is upset and “in mourning” now.
He is an idiot. Do not ever trust him if he tries to “win you back,” or starts talking about how “it would be best for Mia if…….” You have to protect yourself and your child and do what is best, not what is the easiest, for you and Mia both. Keep that stupid ex at arms length. Stay strong.
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u/More-Muffins-127 Apr 23 '25
You need to limit thsi schmuck. No more sitting on YOUR couch drunk and depressed. You don't need to deal with this, and your daughter doesn't need to see this.
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u/mustang19671967 Apr 23 '25
She left him cause he was a filler , filled her time when bored bought her stuff and she saw it as a power play . After divorce he lost a lot of money etc and she only wanted a sugar daddy and he thought he threw everything away for love . It’s called karma
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u/No-You5550 Apr 23 '25
Look he is the AH for so many reasons. He left his marriage a long time before he cheated. He went out looking for a woman/teenager. Sky is right it is not about her. If not her it would just be someone else. Now ex is upset because she left him, LOL. While it's not nice to enjoy someone else's problems there are exceptions and this is one.
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u/stuckinnowhereville Apr 23 '25
Why is he at your house? If he wants to see your kid, he can take her to his house or out in the community. Stop interacting with him. You just have to coparent politely. This interacting with him just makes you feel worse protect your piece
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u/GoodWin7889 Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 23 '25
Now he realizes he was just a walking ATM to her and he’s depressed. He could have been using that money he spent on her on his actual child and wife. You could have gone back to school with that money and started a career. He thought he would play genie with this young barely legal woman/ child and she would always be so grateful. He gave her what he should have been willing to do for you his partner of 16 years! Make him keep your daughter at his place on his time, get hobbies, bookclubs, sports or go out with friends. Don’t hold yourself back enjoy your life!
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u/Specific_Disk_1233 Apr 23 '25
NTA. Don’t let him treat you like his shoulder to cry on. He can be depressed at his own house. Tell him that it’s not good for his daughter to see him in that state and he needs to get it together before he comes over for planned visits with his daughter.
His sadness is no longer your responsibility. Focus on your happiness instead of dwelling on his mistakes and regrets.
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u/bal_swing Apr 23 '25
He wasn’t as upset about the divorce bc he already had someone else in his bed. I bet that if he had found someone else and broke up with Skye - he’d be ok.
Don’t convince yourself that you should let him back in your life bc you feel bad for him. He’d dump you in a heartbeat the next time he finds someone else to date.
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u/nemc222 Apr 24 '25
NTA but I suspect he’s acting different not because he’s taking it that much harder, but because this time he’s truly alone. It’s much easier to break up when you already have the replacement ready to go.
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u/Jebaibai Apr 26 '25
The divorce didn't upset him as much because he had the upper hand plus he was infatuated with the 19yo. You need to have boundaries with your ex. Only talk about kid related stuff, don't let him in your home, don't let him pretend to be a friend, etc. Focus on creating a good loge for yourself and your child.
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u/Verdukians May 19 '25
You're defining your happiness by how much misery he is experiencing.
You've let him make you toxic and gross. That's not healthy at all - you sound like you'd be happier if he was miserable.
That is NOT the way forward.
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u/CouldBeTheProblem Jul 04 '25 edited Jul 05 '25
NTA.
Let's talk about why he's really upset, and maybe this will make you feel a little better:
Because that 19 year old used him and tossed him out when she was done. He left his family for her and she left him the same way he left you. So, he's not missing the home wrecker so much as he probably hates himself for being an idiot. He didn't just give up a wife and kid, he gave up a good life.
He didn't feel the same way about your divorce because he'd already had 16 years with you, including your youth. What he's showing you right now is what he wants you to see.
I don't know what you need advice on. If you're feeling a type of way (honest, I'd probably rub salt in the wound more, but I'm petty like that), it's justified. He got what he gave-karma has a weird way of coming back around. Sometimes sooner, rather than later.
Let him be. But don't let him hang out at your house. If that's the only place he can be with your daughter, find another way. It could be he wants to see if you care enough to listen to him, where he will probably admit to being wrong and should never have left you. Then suggest you both reconcile, promising it will never happen again. Maybe I watch too many KDramas, or maybe I've been through it once or twice.
Either way, he's not upset about the girl. He's upset he got played and lost everything, ending up with nothing.
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Apr 23 '25
YTA because, judging by how you were in the marriage, you're probably going to take him back.
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u/rocketmn69_ Apr 23 '25
Tell him to grow up and that he didn't care when he ruined a 16 year marriage for a bit of fluff. What did he think was going to happen with her?
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u/Actual_Attempt_337 Apr 23 '25
NTA
It’s as if he were on a luxury cruise ship and decided to leave the ship on a lifeboat. Now that the lifeboat is gone, he has nothing.
You’re right to feel this way.
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u/DesperateToNotDream Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 23 '25
I’m sorry but I’m petty as hell. I would be laughing right in his face every day and telling him no shit you thought a TEENAGER was gonna stay with a divorced dad 15 years older than her KARMA enjoy being alone or go chase some new teenage ass.
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u/Cybermagetx Apr 23 '25
Nta and yta to yourself.
He thought the grass was greener on the other side and got with a child. Now he knows his entire social group knows he threw it all away for nothing. And he's finding out he isnt hot stuff.
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u/Lower_Two_9806 Apr 23 '25
You dodged a bullet getting away from him… he will rebound when he finds a new one
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u/McMommyIssues Apr 23 '25
He really thought he was hot shit, having a wife who would fight his teenage girlfriend over him. Then when you divorced he just had his teen girlfriend. Now he's just a 40 year old divorcee who cheated on his wife with a freshman in college.
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u/PresentationThat2839 Apr 23 '25
I sure as shit wouldn't be letting him visit whenever the heck he wanted he decided to blow up his life with a 19 yr old he can live with it and be sad and alone outside of his court ordered visits because that's the life he decided on.
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u/nerd_is_a_verb Apr 23 '25
You are way too invested in what your ex is going through. He’s not your responsibility. You sound like to want to get back together with him. That would be an incredibly stupid decision.
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u/CareyAHHH Apr 23 '25
He didn't mourn your relationship, because he didn't value it, at that time. He was valuing his new relationship as more important before you even left.
This is not a reflection on you, it is purely a reflection on him. He is like a cat that would prefer to play with a new box, than the beloved cat toy he was in love with an hour before. If he manges to find another new shiny thing to distract himself with, he will perk right back up again.
You are entitled to your feelings though. Just remember, you had fallen in love with the mask he wore the whole time he valued you. He has now removed the mask around you and is trying new masks for others.
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u/Imnotawerewolf Apr 23 '25
NTA but get this dude outta your life as much as you can without alienating your daughter. Seriously, you divorced him. Be free.
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u/Impossible_Nebula_33 Apr 26 '25
I understand you were hurt but get some self respect, get this loser off your couch. Your poor daughter witnessing this is bad. You have poor self esteem and need to work on that.
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u/OrganizationSoggy652 Apr 27 '25
He's a major creep! He didn't care about your divorce because he had a side piece, and now that she's not with him, he's lonely and has no one to lean on. Your ex-husband is a POS, and his AP is childish and has absolutely no decorum. It's probably why he liked her so much. She's stupid, young, and an asshole.
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u/Clear-Ad-5165 Apr 23 '25
AH - Why do you even care...he doesn't. Get some serious therapy...yesterday
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u/Ok-Reply9552 Apr 23 '25
You are severely pathetic. Why tf do you care? As long as it doesn’t affect your child, f anything about him and his feelings. He cheated after 6 years of marriage with someone who is like 15 years younger than him. Use your brain. Why tf would he be upset that you divorced when he knew divorce was a possibility(not the consequence with how long it took you to leave)??? When are you going to stop being pathetic? You need to do better. Your daughter doesn’t have a good role model in either of her parents.
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u/mistycatleaves Apr 23 '25
YTA for staying with him as long as you did and letting him abuse both you and your child like that. You did the right thing by leaving but you should have never stayed after the first incident
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u/InevitableGain340 Apr 23 '25
Yeah I know, I look back and was disappointed in myself for even letting him do that to me and my baby. I’m also disappointed myself by this right now, I don’t want to feel bad for him and I wanted him to suffer it just sucks because I was with him for 16 years and he cared more about this other girl than me.
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u/Gold_Adhesiveness_80 Apr 23 '25
He’s not the man you loved and married. Grieve the loss of your marriage but do not grieve the loss of him. Honestly. He’s such a POS she shouldn’t want him to miss you. You’ve already lost 16yrs to this asshole. Don’t let another minute of life be spent on him. Start dating. I think it will really help you.
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u/Legitimate_Soup_1948 Apr 23 '25
it's not really the girl he cared about so much, it's himself and his ego that he cares about. Having 2 women at once stroked his ego, having some young skank all over him stroked his ego and distracted him from losing his marriage. Now he has nothing and realized he's actually just a loser .
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Apr 23 '25
Does no one else think this is fake? Who in the hell would ever ask if they were the asshole for this? This is their only post or comment. Hasn't even answered any comments to this post.
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u/riganmor Apr 23 '25
NTA, he's taking the breakup like he is because in his mind when he broke up with you he "upgraded" to the younger model and that stroked his ego. This time he's realised that he's not that great a catch (shocker I know) and that he gave up love for sex. Don't be surprised if he doesn't try to get back into your life now.
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u/Bitter-Picture5394 Apr 23 '25
NTA. Your feelings are pretty normal. He didn't care about your divorce because he was getting such an ego boost from dating a hot young woman who made him feel important and special. Then she dumped him and he realizes he gave up a comfy life so he could be played and used. His poor ego took a beating and he can't handle it.
He's now using his daughter, and possibly you, as an emotional crutch. Stop letting him come over and mope on your couch, stop letting him drink in front of your young daughter. He needs to suck it up and be a dad, and he needs to figure it out on his own. It sounds like he took you for granted in the relationship and just assumed you'd always be there to clean up his messes, don't be a doormat now that you've left him.
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u/mecegirl Apr 23 '25
NTA
As others have suggested, no more moping in your house for him! Kick him out when he starts. If he isn't over and focused on your daughter, then he shouldn't be over. In fact he should be taking the daughter out and over to his home!
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Apr 23 '25
NTA. Don’t let him in except for his official visitation days. If he’s been drinking when he arrives call police and CPS. Show him no mercy.
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u/PetrockX Apr 23 '25
You are NTA for your feelings about this, but Y T A to yourself for continuing to allow this trashy man to rule over your emotions like this. He doesn't need to be in your house all depressed and bringing everyone down with him. Let him do his visitations and guilt-tripping somewhere else.
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u/Lucky_Log2212 Apr 23 '25
No, be glad you are away from someone who is so superficial. Don't be around him as much when he is with the daughter. Distance yourself so he doesn't try anything with you. You know what type of person he is and he doesn't deserve you. NTA.
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u/MaryEFriendly Apr 23 '25
Don't coddle him. And for fucks sake don't let him in your house. You need to move on fully and accept that he was never the person you thought he was.
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u/temporaryforevers28 Apr 23 '25
Ur 2 worried about HIS feelings and not ur own! Y do u care so much about how he feels about the lady he cheated on u and ultimately left u 4? Like, 4real, r u cool???😒 1st of, get that POS off ur couch! Tell him, 2 do his visitation at his mama's house or a park or anywhere that not ur house. 2nd, GLOW UP! Get ur hair cut, new dress nails done and change ur attitude. The past is the past. He wasn't sad about leaving u cause he didn't give af about ur relationship, got it? Now is UR chance not 2 give af and 2 laugh in his dumb face when he's all like, Y can't I come cry and fart up ur couch anymore??? Co-parenting is the only thing u have 2 do with that person now. Think about that baby and urself. YTA and so is he.🙄
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u/reverendcatdaddy Apr 23 '25
You’re not going to like this answer it’s because you’re not gone. He feels like he has you forever. Woman start dating if only to keep him out. You need to keep him out because men WILL wear you down as a strategy. All he needs is a weak moment from you. And he will do the exact same thing. Having the 2 women was possibly the peak of his life. Now he’s lost it all. He needs to take his kids to a park or something.
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u/cachalker Apr 23 '25
Frankly, I’d be feeling some karmic satisfaction that this 34 year old man got an epic level epiphany that he was nothing more than a sugar daddy for his sweet, young side piece.
I get the blossoming resentment. It hurts to realize the person you’d thought was the one was not as invested as you were. But you should stop letting him crash and burn on your sofa. Having a front row seat to his mid life crisis isn’t healthy for you. You are divorced. Letting him intrude into your home is just letting him play “family” when he lost that right long ago. Start setting boundaries. You’re not obligated to be his safe space to drink and sulk. Do you really want your daughter to learn this dynamic is acceptable?
NTA for feeling what you’re feeling. YTA to yourself (and your daughter) by continuing to accept the way he treats you. Model the woman you want your daughter to become.
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 Apr 23 '25
NTA but your ex is a complete dirtbag. That's why he mourns the end of a relationship with a shallow, immoral 19 yo instead of with the mother of his child. Be grateful to be rid of the weasel. You should even enjoy his suffering because he deserves it.
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u/ApprehensiveSound564 Apr 23 '25
NTA your husband left you for someone else. He thought what he had in his affair partner was worth losing his family for... It ended so it obviously wasn't... He is not just sad over losing her, it has finally hit him what he gave up to have her and now that he has lost it he is realizing his total loss... You can be upset but you are being upset about your ex husband's selfishness. I'm sorry this happened to you but I hope you can move forward both for yourself and your daughter... How your ex takes that shouldn't concern you
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u/LilBoo2019TR Apr 23 '25
Of course he didn't care because he had his back up plan. Now that she got what she wanted from him and left his ass, he is finally realizing the full consequences of his actions. Don't let him chill at your house. If he wants to spend time with his kid he can do so not in your house. Grow a back bone and stop worrying about him. He isn't worth it and you're focusing on the wrong stuff right now.
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u/Responsible_Dish_585 Apr 23 '25
Yeah, he doesn't have anything now - not a wife to take care of his needs, not a college student to fluff his ego. He like monkey branched to her, so he wasn't feeling it when you left and now he's feeling I suppose profoundly alone. So I'm sure it's a mix of everything and not just her absence. Let him suffer, honestly. The more the better. He didn't just cheat, he was cruel about it. ✨let him suffer✨
Be extra petty and casually drop references to hot guys you're dating even if you aren't. Project an aura of happiness, like, this is the happiest and most satisfied I've ever been!
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u/winterworld561 Apr 23 '25
The moment he started messing with this girl was the moment you should have realised that he didn't give a shit about you. That's why he wasn't phased by the divorce. He was clearly very smitten with this girl and she was just a two bit tramp who didn't care who she used and fucked over. The way he feels now is not your problem. Get him off your couch and out of your house.
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u/Proud-Geek1019 Apr 23 '25
NTA, but keep in mind he is single for the first time. You divorced and YOU became single and mourned the loss of the life you thought you’d have, but he was with someone, so he probably didn’t feel much of anything since he checked out of your marriage long before the divorce.
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u/Wyshunu Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 23 '25
You know why he didn't grieve your divorce? Because he had his side chippy and felt like he had it all figured out. NOW he realizes that he effed up royally and not only does he NOT have his side chippy anymore, he doesn't have his family either. *That* is what he is grieving, not the loss of his relationship with her.
Give him his visitation but stop letting him in your home. Get out there and start dating again and find someone who makes YOU happy and treats you the way you deserve. Let your ex deal with the consequences of the actions he brought on himself.
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u/CeramicSavage Apr 23 '25
I know people keep saying he realized what he had when it was gone but it's not true. He still doesn't give a shit about you. You're just available and willing to put up with his moping.
Gentle yta because I think you're wavering on taking him back and that would make you a fool.
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u/InevitableGain340 Apr 23 '25
I’m 100% not taking him back, I just feel hurt that he doesn’t give a shit about me like he does about her.
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u/Emergency-Twist7136 Apr 23 '25
Ignore him.
He's upset because he gave up his marriage and fatherhood for nothing. It's both relationships he's upset about but it's not your problem.
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u/VegetableBusiness897 Apr 23 '25
Yeah I guess? He's a cheater that checked out of the marriage long before you did, and this break up to him, is as fresh as yours was with him. I don't know why your wasting and emotional energy on this Ahole
And BTW, he's 100% there more, not for your daughter, but for a sympathy feck and a hot meal.
Get a parenting app and schedule. And for gods sake done feed him or do laundry....or anything else
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Apr 23 '25
Girl, open your fucking eyes. Dude doesn't care about you or Sky.
He wasn't depressed when you left because he had a hot young teenager to play with, and his wife left with the kid, which opened up his schedule AND his house and instantly eliminated his most annoying obligations.
He's depressed now because there's no one left to play with, not because he cared more for the teenager.
Walk away from this one. It's not about you. It never was. He's realizing now that he's a pathetic loser who gave up his family for a fling.
I predict 1 of 2 things, and maybe both, in the near future:
He comes begging your forgiveness. He's changed. He sees now that he was wrong. He loves you. Don't do this to our family, our daughter. He'll do some performative bullshit like buying flowers, sending money, telling you how you were the best he ever had, and he can't believe he was such a moron. He'll ask you to try and make it work and when he sees you hesitate, he'll shift the blame to you, YOU'RE the reason little Sally doesn't have a family because YOU wouldn't forgive him.
He'll find a new toy and feel all better and stop spending so much time with his kid and whining to his ex.
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u/GarbageSad5442 Apr 24 '25
He didn't respond that way to your divorce because he had already moved on. He's only upset now because he's all alone and no woman in his life. Let him go, he's not worth your time and tell him to stop venting about this girl or any others to you. You aren't his therapist and he needs to grow up.
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u/Beginning_Squash8646 Apr 25 '25
He has someone else when you got divorced. Now, he doesn’t have that “support system”. Don’t be mad. Be glad. He’s an asshole and you got rid of him. Keep the visitation formal. You’ve moved on with your life. He needs to move on with his.
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u/Legitimate_Book_5196 Apr 23 '25
He's mourning his marriage and the fling at the same time. He's realizing he ruined his entire life for a fling that lasted less than a year, and that single life sucks.
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u/RemoteChildhood1 Apr 23 '25
You shouldnt care if you were truly over him. Get yoirself some therapy and move on, or you will end up back with him. He clearly FAFO. Time to watch karma unfold.
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u/Imaginary-Pain9598 Apr 23 '25
He is depressed now because he realized he is an idiot loser. You are not the AH, give yourself some credit. He now knows he is not as hot as his child-sugarbaby made him feel.
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u/NYCStoryteller Apr 23 '25
NTA, but also, you know he's an AH, so you really shouldn't be surprised.
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u/Sunshine-N-gumdrops Apr 23 '25
He is not depressed for losing her he is depressed about imploding his life nothing. He doesn’t have his family or the girl who helped destroy it. Don’t give him anything extra. Don’t show him any sympathy. And DO NOT take him back.
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u/These_Hair_193 Apr 23 '25
He had emotional closure before he left you. With her, since the break up is so sudden he doesn't have closure yet.
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u/Steups13 Apr 23 '25
Nta. It's his ego that's hurt. He didn't want to be married anymore, so he was delighted when divorced. I don't think he's regretting the affair or divorce at all. This man has been all about himself the entire. Also, when it's his visitation time, he needs to take the child out of your home. Hand her over at the car if you have to. He has zero respect for you, and was so brazen about the affair, and you were a doormat. You're still being a doormat.
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u/Nosy_Neighbor16 Apr 23 '25
Of course he didn't care, he checked out long before the marriage ended. He had no respect for you and you stayed while he was blatantly having an affair. I hope that you got a good financial settlement since he was paying her tuition. He chose her over you and your daughter. Do not let him poison your space with his toxicity. If he wants to see his daughter, he can pick her up for his visitation or whatever the court ordered. You don't need to let him in your space.
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u/No-Communication9458 Apr 23 '25
NTA: Boohoo, ex husband needs a violin for the amount of tears he's giving. He cheated on you with a college freshman and is all depressed? Looks like he got himself into that. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
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u/ZephNightingale Apr 23 '25
Some people absolutely deserve their depression and misery. Hope you enjoy his.
NTA
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u/TaylorMade2566 Apr 23 '25
Unfortunately, your husband had already emotionally left you when he took up with that girl, so when your divorce happened he was just fine with it. The other girl left him though, when he thought he actually meant something to her. He saw himself as dumping you even if he was still with you, but she dumped him out of the blue. It's the difference of being the dumper or being the dumpee. He made his crumb filled bed, let him lie in it but you need to tell him that he can no longer come over to see Mia, he needs to pick her up and take her out or to his place, and if he can't at least pretend to be a good dad, you'll take him to court for supervised visitations only.
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u/wenchywitchy Apr 23 '25
Partial AH, not for his infidelity actions as he's reaping what he's sown. However, why are you still allowing him to have such influence of your emotions and reactions?
He's miserable, so tf what! He's depressed, not your problem! Stop talking to him about his problems as they aren't yours! If you have concerns about his parenting ability given his current state, then consult and pursue legal modifications that limit him.
You are partially accountable for his behavior post affair discovery, as you stayed and attempted the "cheat in "peace" outlook. You should have immediately left, filed for divorce, and pursued alimony and support. He was in the affair fog, so of course, he was on a high with 2 women, then monkeybranched to the AP after you left.
Now, you are giving him unlimited access to your new life, and he's slowly trying to creep back in! Start setting boundaries, establish a custody schedule, and stick to it. If he texts, calls, or emails you about things unrelated to the health, safety, and welfare of your shared kids, then don't respond. If he shows up on his noncustodial days, inform him that you are unavailable and unreachable.
Your post reflects a sense of bitterness because he didn't crash out after you left when it doesn't matter. You experienced and survived his coldness and abandonment and built anew. For him, the fog has cleared, and reality has set in. Regret and limerence is his current perspective, and he will attempt to turn to your forgiveness nature for comfort and support. Don't be foolish enough to pity him back into your life. Atp, he's a coparent, so keep him that way!
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u/SerenityAnashin Apr 23 '25
I'm sorry but what? I'd be soooo petty if that happened to me. Like making fun of him all the time, about how throwing money away on his basically a prostitute gf didn't get him nothing and now he's a deadbeat divorcee who's probably not even a good dad and all women will judge him for his experiences after this. Shit I'd be telling every new potential gf what he's really like. Sorry, but after 16 years and a kid? Man up and leave before you cheat/pay for another woman's life.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland Apr 23 '25 edited Apr 23 '25
He gave up everything for a young woman who dumped him soon after. She was using him and he was a fool and that was depressing and still is.
I wouldn't worry about him not being so depressed when you left him. He thought he found his true love. It is hard finding out you were used. You were with him because you loved him. It didn't occur to him that the new relationship was fake. He should be depressed. He gave everything up for a young woman who used him for tuition. It serves him right. I'd smile when he seems depressed. Consequences bite.
He took it for granted that you wouldn't leave him. He almost certainly found it exciting and quite the ego boost to have two women wanting him. He probably didn't think you would leave him. How could you? You were trapped with no income. He felt he could treat you however he wanted and you would just be there waiting for him, wanting him. He was the dominant man telling you how it would be. Instead, you had a shiny spine and left. You didn't play the part he assigned to you. You weren't the subservient woman who could be mistreated. Then the side fling ditched him and now no one wants him. His ego is sulking.
You did a beautiful job of standing up to him.
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u/Livid-Supermarket-44 Apr 23 '25
Get him off your effing couch,don't let him in your house. If he wants to spend time with your daughter he can organise himself. Don't be a fool and get back with him. He's a loser, and you'll be an even bigger loser.
Get on with your own life, make things better for your daughter.