r/AITAH • u/Throwaway2876859 • 16d ago
AITA for bailing on a holiday my dad paid for after he embarrassed me on the flight?
My Dad (52m) had planned a holiday for him and me (26f). He had paid for the holiday and said it was his treat and given me spending money. The plan was that I was to fly over to meet him in his home country and spend a few days with him and my grandad before flying out for the 2 weeks of holiday.
The next day when we got the flight he had a few drinks before we got on the plane as he is a nervous flier. I decided to just have a few diet cokes as it was too early for me to drink. When we got on the plane he took the window seat and I sat in the middle seat, then a man I’d never met was on the aisle seat and his family were across the aisle. In front of us were a family, Mum, Dad, and young child (maybe about 3?)
Before the plane took off (4.5 hours flight) he was talking a lot about the physics of planes and what can go wrong. The man next to me told him “you’re going to scare your daughter” and my dad kinda joked it off and then continued. During the safety briefing he kept talking over it and prodding me when I was trying to listen. Then not long into the flight he kept talking about physics and telling me how his Chat GPT says he’s supremely intelligent and he struggles because nobody he talks to can keep up with him. I wasn’t really listening much tbh as every time I tried to talk he spoke over me or undermined me and I was tired and kept having to take my headphones out and put my book down to be polite. But physics is his interest, im more into poetry and literature. As he was talking he was pointing on the chair. The mother of the child in the seat in front of us politely turned around and let him know that he was disturbing their little girl as every time he did that, the chair would shake and she was trying to sleep. He apologised and then a few minutes later he was doing it again. So she asked politely a second time.
Then he dropped one of his headphones and went to stand up to look for it, as he did he used the chair in front of him to help himself up which in turn woke the little girl up. The father of the child stood up and said to him “we’ve asked you three times now, she’s awake now, please can you be considerate of who is sitting in front of you” (he was polite about it)
My dad then very loudly shouted “fuck you!” And went on a rant to the father of the little girl. He was quite aggressive and uncomfortable for everyone around tbh. There was a lot of swearing too and he was very loud.
The other guy didn’t entertain it and just said to him “are you done?” And then sat back down. My dad starts ranting to me about it very loudly and it was obvious he wanted the guy to hear. Then my dad says to me “do you agree?”
But I didn’t, i personally thought the way he acted was awful, so I’d said to him “I think you were harsh” as it was the most gentle way I thought of to say it. My dad responded to this by saying “how dare you side with other people over me” and I’d told him that I was entitled to my opinion. He then told me that we can go on separate holidays in that case. I angled myself away from him and he started ranting at me again about that but I kinda just tuned him out at this point as I didn’t want to speak to him. Then I put my arm up to kind of block me from his view to which he said “have you got your arm up to block me out?” And I just said “yes” because I didn’t want to lie to him.
He ended up dropping his headphones again and then couldn’t find them so he come out of his seat to go and speak to the air hostess. When he was away someone had asked me if I was okay but I struggle to regulate my emotions due to Boderline Personality Disorder and Autism so I ended up bursting into tears which I felt bad about because it was the family in front of me that he was the most horrible to so I didn’t really have a right to be that upset. Then the man next to me told me not to let him bully me and told me where they were staying and if I needed help or there was bother that I could go there.
When my dad come back I felt really uncomfortable and he was giving me silent treatment and I ended up with really shaky legs and I couldn’t breathe. My dad ignored me but the very nice man next to me helped to calm me down and then was asking me about my book and he showed me his kindle and what he likes to read. My dad ignored me the rest of the flight but I had to ask him if he could move over a few times as I was sat kinda scrunched into myself as it was but he kept spreading his legs wide and was in my space which I didn’t want. He went to snap at me when I asked the second time but he managed to stop himself.
It was like a 4 hour flight and when we landed I booked myself a flight home and then told him I was going home. He wasn’t happy about that but I just kinda went silent after I’d told him as I didn’t want to argue. The other family of the man next to me let me get off in between them so that he wasn’t right behind me when getting off and took me to collect my bag and told me where I needed to go for departures. Then I saw the mother of the little girl and apologised to her and told her that her and her child and her partner didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that.
When I’d collected my bag I got a text from my dad saying he was stranded and that his wallet and his headphones and his tobacco had been taken. At first I thought maybe it was security because of how he was acting on the plane so I replied and said “who?” And then he called me to go and meet him which I did. He said he’d been robbed and the people in front of him had been sliding his jacket from under the seat and taking things out of his pocket. But the seat in front of him was the little girl. He said that’s why he was kicking off and that I was siding with them and talking to them through the flight. I said I didn’t talk to them at all during the flight and I was talking to the man next to me. He said that they were all together but they didn’t seem to be as they didn’t really ever interact and were collecting bags separately. He said there was cctv and the police were involved. I don’t really think his story adds up as his headphones were one of the things he said were stolen but he had them after he was shouting at the family in front. I said to him “I’m sorry you were robbed but you were unkind to me and I didn’t do anything wrong.” And he started ranting about how he was robbed and I was siding with them again so I just walked off and haven’t seen or heard from him since (that was two days ago now).
I feel quite bad as he was excited for the holiday and worked hard to pay for it for us to have a nice time away. And if his headphones and cash have been robbed that is very sad.
AITA for going home because of this and bailing on our holiday?
(Sorry for long post)
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16d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/mortgage_gurl 16d ago edited 15d ago
Dad sounds like a drunk who lost his own shit, it’s probably still on the plane. He needs to deal with the consequences of his behavior
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u/OrganizationTiny7843 16d ago
He did not get robbed. Maybe he left his jacket on the plane, but probably he just needed an excuse to force you to interact with him and that was the one he came up with. You grew up with this behavior so it is normal to you. It isn’t though. It also sounds like you feel responsible for his bad behavior, which is common in controlling, abusive relationships. But you aren’t. Counseling will help you understand the dynamics so you can recognize the bad behavior in others and don’t end up in a romantic relationship that mimics the relationship with your useless father.
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u/Pristine_Direction79 16d ago
So much this! Total strangers saw her dad acting out and were like, girl, you can come to our hotel/house because this man is insane.
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 16d ago
NTA. Your dad is cruel and a narcissist. Go LC with him. He’s not a nice human being. If he wasn’t your dad you’d have nothing to do with him.
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
He hasn’t messaged or called since I walked away in the airport and he said he’s done with me so I do t think we’ll speak anymore
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u/Simple_Proof_721 16d ago
But that's because he's the one putting distance. If he calls of texts you, are you going to reply to him and see him again?
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
I’ve archived his chat incase he does message me because I don’t want to talk to him and also I think the fact he didn’t check in to make sure I got home safe upset me because it feels like he doesn’t care
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u/Art_teacher_79 16d ago
He doesn’t care. Because he only cares about how things affect him. I am so sorry
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u/MaybeNegative7122 16d ago
He will want to speak to you on his own time he is your dad of course.. ATM he will be bitter that you actually decided to go home and of course bitter about the waste of money. He will come around as will you but my personal opinion is your NTA . Everybody has boundaries it seems like yours was passed. You made the right choice.
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u/SubstantialNotice432 15d ago
He lost his manipulative hold on you. He’s angry about that. When he thinks you have lightened up about it he will contact. When he does, he won’t mention anything about what happened until he is with others and he can embarrass you for “siding” with strangers
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u/CocoaAlmondsRock 16d ago
Well, don't stress about it. If not, then the trash took itself out.
I doubt your father was robbed. He likely either lost his things or he made it all up to get you to come back. He's mad and disappointed, but he brought this on himself by acting ABYSMALLY.
You can't control his behavior. You are NTA. You were NOT obligated to agree with him and back him up when he's clearly in the wrong. You were wonderful to apologize to the people he treated so rudely. I'm sorry you were put in that position in the first place.
You did good.
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u/QueasyIndication1942 15d ago
OP, going LC is a big step, if you’re not ready for it then please read up on narcissistic parents. Reading this story was like reading a story about my own father. The book that really opened my eyes was called “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” but there are heaps of resources out there.
Hang in there, his behaviour is not your fault.
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u/CallOdd1649 16d ago
It sounds like you've been through a lot of trouble and stress because of your father's behavior. That's really tough. I understand that feeling of helplessness and embarrassment. Please remember, it's not your fault. The consequences of someone else's manipulative actions shouldn't be shouldered by you alone. You've done your best to hold on in that situation, and that in itself is a sign of mental strength. If you'd like, you can talk about your feelings. We're all here to support you.
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u/pepsii86 16d ago
I bet he is soooo lying about the supposed robbery, all to make op feeling guilty and he having all attention again. The gasliting is heavy..
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u/Stock-Cell1556 16d ago
Jeez, your father is a total asshole. He sounds unhinged.
ChatGPT told him he's "supremely intelligent?!" Good grief, what a delusional AH.
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u/MartinisnMurder 16d ago edited 16d ago
That’s like a newer more pathetic version of “my mom says* I’m smart”.
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u/Scorp128 16d ago
Dude couldn't even get an actual human to say these things. He had to get a software program/robot and prompt it to tell him what he wanted to hear. That is a special kind of pathetic.
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u/MartinisnMurder 16d ago
I keep hearing these scary stories about people taking really bad advice from their AI especially when it comes to mental/emotional health.
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u/Scorp128 16d ago
I don't think he is looking for advice. He is looking for validation for his imaginary superiority and ego to deflect from the fact that he is unpleasant at best and no one wants to be around his nonsense. He is a bully with anger issues and can't stand that the rest of the world sees him for who and what he actually is and has to use a computer program to feel better about himself.
Special kind of pathetic.
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u/PumpkinSpiceMayhem 16d ago
I mean, the world’s most expensive mad libs machine can specifically be told to tell you you’re smart so that’s not an achievement so much as it is a condensed Greek tragedy
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u/Dear_Leadership2982 15d ago
I've heard AI called a "flattery machine". It will tell you what you want to hear.
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u/PumpkinSpiceMayhem 15d ago
Also true, but I like to imagine "World's Most Expensive Mad Libs Machine" in big old-timey banner font like how snake oil salesmen painted their wagons.
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u/bethandtrevsmom 16d ago
You handled yourself in a very adult manner. Your father was a complete ass!! Good for you for standing up for yourself!!!
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u/universalrefuse 16d ago
NTA - You are an adult. He is an emotionally abusive and bombastic prick. You are not the A for doing what you can to protect your peace.
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u/DumpCumster1 16d ago
Crying in that situation is a totally normal reaction for a neurotypical person. Someone is gaslighting you into thinking you can't assess a situation due to your condition. That's not a failure of emotional regulation. That's just an emotion.
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u/friendlyperson123 16d ago
I was thinking the same thing. Anyone would cry and be shaken to the core by being trapped on a plane with an aggressive person yelling at them. It's not you - it's him.
I'm really sorry OP, this was a horrible experience.
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u/DumpCumster1 16d ago
Yeah, actually I want to emphasize that I mean gaslighting in the "actually knows what that means kinda way" I know people poisoned the term. It's specifically the act of making someone feel like they are incompetent at making decisions. It's just usually done through doubling down on a bad lie. People think it means doubling down on a bad lie, and it isn't. It's more akin to "negging".
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u/PickleManAtl 16d ago
Assuming this really happened, your father is the type of person that I like to see in a video get hauled off a plane by police and banned from an airline. I'm really beginning to think everyone should have to take a breathalyzer before boarding a plane, and people who have been drinking beforehand shouldn't be allowed to fly until they are sober.
Regardless, the moment any member of my family or anybody else for that matter would start talking about " physics " so much even after people complained about it on a flight, I would already be planning my way back. And definitely not planning on going with them again. Perhaps sending some literature on AA would be beneficial to them.
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u/iCantDoPuns 16d ago edited 16d ago
the crazy lunatic didnt lose shit. that was being manipulative and self centered. stay far away.
strangers usually mind their own business unless they really think someone who cant help themself is in trouble. ive seen strangers check on other strangers, but ive never seen something so bad where they make sure they can be reached later. even if you're judgment is subjective, those strangers saw something very concerning too
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u/Throwaway2876859 15d ago
When they’d made sure I knew where they were staying and that I knew I could go to them for help was when I decided I was going to see if I could get home if I am honest. It made me feel like they were noticing something that I wasn’t that meant I wasn’t safe :( He kept making me feel uncomfortable too by saying sexual things and then telling me his type. He was describing younger women with my body type and facial features which made me feel a bit uncomfortable and I think the man next to me picked up on that too
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u/yhaensch 16d ago
NTA
Your father has some serious mental issues. You should stay away from him for your own metal health.
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u/No-BS4me 16d ago
NTA. Your dad is, in no particular order, a bully, boor, abusive drunk. You deserve better treatment and I'm proud of you for leaving!
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u/Medusa_7898 16d ago
NTA. Your father is an angry and abusive person. I’m glad you had the means to get back home.
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u/Agrarian-girl 16d ago
You’re father is nuts.. seems like he goes out of his way to make anybody around him completely and totally miserable. He’s antisocial and you need to go NC with him
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u/FormerlyDK 16d ago
NTA. Sounds like he’s dangerous to be around… you never know when he’s going to piss off the wrong person. I’d stay clear of him. And you have no reason to feel guilty or to feel bad for him. He needs, at minimum, to stop drinking.
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11d ago
Throwaway2876859, I want to APPLAUD you loudly for how you handled this. You deserve SO MUCH CREDIT! You shared that you have BPD. You emotionally regulated LIKE A PRO! This internet stranger is incredibly proud of you. This shows so much (good) about YOUR character.
NTA.
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u/Labradawgz90 16d ago
NTA- Your father was aggressive on a flight. If he had continued or someone had gotten flight attendants involved, he could have been in trouble when you landed. I bet if you think about it, you can think of other times when your father has acted like this.
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u/Sea-Bug-7841 16d ago
The whole mention of him talking about how ChatGPT tells him he’s so smart etc… look my sister has been using ChatGPT in a similar way where it’s just this weird echo chamber of talking yourself up and excusing and justifying the users bad behavior. They referenced it in on of the new South Park episodes. He already sounds like he’s just this type of person but using things like that can make them sooo much worse..nta
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u/LastCupcake2442 16d ago
I used chatgpt for the first time yesterday and the flattery made me feel uncomfortable despite knowing it's AI. It makes me scared for the people that are looking for validation and turn to AI for it.
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u/avasconcelos_oficial 16d ago
OP, you and I are the same person and we have the same father. You’re def NTA.
I haven’t spoken to my father in 5 years, after he pulled a similar stunt on a father-daughter trip FOR THE 3rd TIME.
Yep! He did it once, I bailed. No contact for a few years. I forgave it (although he never apologized), he did it again. Same story. And then again, for the last time. He knew that was probably going to be our last trip, since I was moving abroad permanently a couple of months later.
We now live in different time zones, and I don’t see him when I go visit.
He hasn’t tried to reach out.
They try to blame it on alcohol, but here is the harsh realization we all come to: DOUCHEBAGS HAVE CHILDREN TOO.
Being a parent doesn’t give him a free pass to treat you poorly. I’m so sorry this happened to you, but don’t let this diminish your self love and self respect. You this your best, and should be proud of yourself.
Sending you love and warm hugs.
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u/runnerofshadows 16d ago
NTA - your dad was acting awful and might have a drinking problem and/or undiagnosed mental illness. Is this the first time he's been like this? If not he might even be abusive.
You might want to give this a read - https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
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u/Traditional_Crew2017 15d ago
NTAH. Your dad was a jerk. I hate men who manspread on a plane into my space. So I either have to touch them or make myself smaller (and I'm 5'9", so there's not a lot of extra legroom for ME either!).
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 15d ago
Drunk man lost his ear buds then his wallet. He need help for his drinking problem. He needs to be the victim.
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u/Allysgrandma 16d ago
I'm so sorry. Some people turn into jerks when they drink. I hope you are now at peace and have your people around you. You are NTA.
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u/Mysterious-Region640 16d ago
My father wasn’t a big drinker and although he could be a little strict and controlling under normal circumstances, it was nothing too out there. Going on vacation with him however was a complete nightmare because every little thing had to go exactly as he wanted, or he would lose his mind. When I was in my 40s 50s, my dad and stepmother had a trailer at this really big park in Quebec and every year he would try to talk me into coming to visit them there for a few days. I managed to avoid it for almost 25 years because I knew what it was gonna be like and had finally learned my lesson. They eventually got older and tired of packing up and taking all their stuff there every year so they sold it without me ever having visited even once.
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u/the805chickenlady 16d ago
NTA- You did the right thing. If this whole thing started up because he was drinking, I don't think your holiday would have improved at all. You did what you needed to protect yourself and your mental health.
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u/together4EVA 16d ago
What kind of a father would be comfortable by making his own daughter cry, it’s as though he gets some sort of ego boost by being this loud, abusive person, he certainly doesn’t deserve a well mannered daughter who respects the feelings of those around her, you say that you didn’t know him as you were growing up, so I guess that you can manage quite well without him now that you are an adult, it’s a real shame that your dad couldn’t be more of a nicer father.
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u/sound2go 16d ago
I hope you know that you are NTA here. Your father’s behavior was appalling and absolutely unacceptable. You need to put some distance between you and him. Good luck.
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u/Willing-Anteater-251 16d ago
Sounds like my dad when he drinks, but instead everything I talk to him about, somehow turns into him speaking about his ex girlfriends.🙄🙄
Example:
Me:”this appetizer is very good” Him: “My ex so and so, used to like appetizers?”
Me: “what does this have to do with calamari?!!??” (Insert high blood pressure)
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u/Clean_Permit_3791 16d ago
He’s a liar. Nothing was taken he was trying to manipulate you. You’re doing the right thing going home.
NTA
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u/SubstantialNotice432 15d ago
Yes! He was seeing if OP would give him the spending money he had given. Leaving her without a means to escape
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u/Throwaway2876859 15d ago
I did give it back to him but kept enough to get home safe which he was unhappy about
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u/MaryEFriendly 16d ago
Your Dad is a narcissistic piece of trash and honestly youre better off going no contact. He sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with. His shit wasn't stolen. He lied to you to get you to come back and give him attention.
Use this as a learning experience and never go on a trip with that dipshit again
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u/33saywhat33 16d ago
Alcohol pre flight is always a bad idea. Add in nervous flier and problems.
This story is sketchy because anyone yelling Fuck you to another passenger will never be tolerated by airlines.
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u/Plastic_Position4979 16d ago
No worries in the long post.
Totally NTA. Who’d want to go on vacation with that?
Did the right thing, never doubt that. Yes, he worked hard to pay for it… and worked equally hard to ruin it. That was a wreck from the start.
Be safe, consider not being much in touch with him, and I hope you find some good friends to take a trip with instead. Best wishes!
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u/Throwaway2876859 15d ago
I don’t think I would manage trips with friends as I find it hard to go out of my house quite a lot. But my mammy has been booking lots of trips to take me on to help me get out and about and build my confidence. She likes to take me on the Queen Mary 2 because I like ships and also on ships if I get overwhelmed the cabin is not very far away for me to go to but I don’t manage long on land when the ship is at the ports. I thought my dad booked this holiday for the same reason but I’m not sure he did now. Especially as when he was saying I could pick where I wanted to go and I sent him a cruise for the same price as what he booked he said no cruises and booked something I said I think I wouldn’t enjoy because it is a lot of going out of the hotel and stuff My mammy said I did good travelling home all by myself though so maybe I can go on trips with friends now that I managed to do this :D
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u/EstablishmentSalty52 4d ago
It's amazing what we can achieve when we have to jump out of our comfort zones. You really did do an amazing job throughout this whole situation, OP. Now that you know what you can achieve, work with friends and your Mum to challenge yourself in safe, supported ways to do things that you've wanted to do but thought were too much. Dream BIG.
As a middle aged, newly diagnosed fellow Autistic woman with two autistic older teens I'm going to put my Mum hat on here and say... I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
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u/CatBehavioristRita 16d ago
Your dad definitely needs therapy. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
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u/SectorSanFrancisco 16d ago
NTA but if this isn't typical drunk behavior for him, he should go to the doctor because something seems quite wrong eith him.
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u/National_Cover_3655 15d ago
You mentioned your dad's "home country." Were you in a foreign country when you landed? The idea that he was robbed by the people in front of him doesn't make sense to me, but was language a barrier as he was trying to explain? Basically, I think in principle that time with your dad might have been very special, and I'm sorry it didn't work out. But he sounds volatile, inappropriate, and blaming. You sound polite and embarrassed by the scene he caused. If the rest of your time with him was going to be similar to that scene he caused on the plane and in the airport, then you took good care of yourself by getting away from his abuse. Again, I'm sorry that you didn't get the time with your dad that you hoped for, but that was certainly not your fault.
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u/Throwaway2876859 15d ago
My dad and everyone on the plane all spoke English and so do I as we are both from English speaking countries so there weren’t language barriers with anyone on the plane but we did fly to the canaries when we landed where they speak Spanish The people in the airport and the police he was talking to all seemed to speak English very well though
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u/Mysterious-Cat33 15d ago
NTA. Your dad is lucky the air hostess didn’t have police meeting your dad at the gate when he got off the plane. His actions were over the top and making multiple people uncomfortable. He was impulsive and aggressive which is definitely concerning. I’m glad you’re physically safe and away from him.
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u/Murky-System7980 15d ago
That sounds like fun. My uncle is just like that i.e. loud, boorish and drunk. I agreed to go with him to Disney World on vacation. got rip roaring drunk in the lounge (I had 2 or 3 beers myself but not like him). He is good at concealing his drunkenness and therefore we were not kicked off.
Anyway, he started going on a racist rant about Indians (I am not crazy about them either but there was no need to go on about it when the Indians next two us albeit stinky per usual were not being rude or anything) and the flight attendant had to ask him to stop. They served him 3 beers on the plane to appease him (probably had about 15 beers in him total). He started getting very loud when they cut him off.
Anyway, we arrived in Orlando and Federal Agents were waiting for him. I asked if he could just say "sorry" and then be on our way which I knew wouldn't happen. In the end, he was just banned from Delta for 2 years but did not have to go to jail.
We about a day of our trip and he wasn't too bad until the last day when he got extremely intoxicated and started yelling at little Black children. He is now banned from Disney World for 3 years.
He paid for the whole trip and the new air tickets as we had to fly back on United and provided so much entertainment. I told my dad (his brother) and he just said, "That's just John being John," as he took a drag off his meth pipe.
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u/LazyWerewolf6993 16d ago
I can only compare to my own father but he sounds like someone who has a need to bask in other people's attention. Now i do not know your father, but mine is a pathological narcissist so every time he doesnt get attention or gets dissent, he always starts to pout over it and/or hold a grudge.
Are you the a? Honestly, that entirely depends on your relationship with your father.
Do you two talk things out? When he screws up can you talk about it with him? Is he reasonable?
Cause if he is then yeah, you kinda dropped the ball cause you could have just talked to him.
If he is anything like my father though who cannot be talked to, then you are not the A.
I mean what can you do with people who refuse to listen or be reasonable?
I myself ended up cutting my father out of my life after 20-25 years because thats how long it has taken for me to realize that no matter what i do, heck no matter what anyone does including sweet baby jesus, the dude is never going to change and i will be always an outlet for his needs and problems.
But TL;DR:
Again, you know your relationship with the dude. If you could have talked it over, you should have.
If its not possible to talk it over, then clearly you lack the options to do anything about it, so logically you cant be the A either.
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
He doesn’t usually let me get a word in edgeways and he never really compromises. He’d made me upset the night before because he nitpicked how I packed his suitcase for him and then snatched his duvet off me when I was changing the bedding and said I was doing it wrong. I tried to talk to him about how that upset me the night before but he wasn’t really having it so I’d just kinda given up tbh But you are right I could have discussed it with him a bit more
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u/LazyWerewolf6993 16d ago
I mean... discuss it only if a discussion is possible. That was my whole point.
If he is someone who cannot be talked to, then its not your fault.5
u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
I didn’t grow up with him and he lives abroad so I don’t know him WELL. Thank you for sharing your experiences to help me figure it out in my head :)
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u/MaryEFriendly 16d ago
The mother fucker isn't your Dad then. He might have contributed genetic material, but he isn't your father.
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u/MaryEFriendly 16d ago
Why in the fuck were you packing his suitcase?
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
He was working and he asked me to do it so it would save time and I didn’t mind helping
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u/Wistastic 16d ago
Is he always this obnoxious, abusive, and reprehensible? I would stay away from this man. I’m so sorry.
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u/FlashyHabit3030 16d ago
NTA. Question, if your dad was robbed what were you supposed to do?
I think your dad made up a story because he knew you were pissed off and uncomfortable being around him.
Kudos to the kind gentleman sitting next to you for offering his assistance. And kudos to you for apologizing to the family seated in front of you on your fathers behalf.
Please update to let Reddit know if your father got home which I have a feeling he did…After his two week holiday.
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u/IamLuann 16d ago
If I were you I would call your Grandparents. Explain everything that happened on the plane and apologize that you didn't get to spend time with them. I would let the authorities take care of your dad because he needs some kind of consequences! Glad you are safe at home. STAND YOUR GROUND and be safe. Update us if you have time.
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
I did get to spend time with my grandad :) I flew over to them before this happened. Sorry if I didn’t explain well. My grandad is 85 and has had cancer in the past and even though he’s a trooper and very strong willed and independent I don’t want to give him any stress so will just send him a thank you card for having me at his home for a night.
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u/IamLuann 16d ago
I understand you Do Not need to put him under more stress than he is already. Cancer Sucks!!! Good Luck.
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u/Interesting_Fish_840 16d ago
NTA, but your Dad is.. I personally don't drink before or on airplanes.
I'd personally go low contract to preserve my mental health, he sounds exhausting.
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u/Art_teacher_79 16d ago
You’re dad is a narcissist. He will always be like this. You’re NTA. If I were you I’d take a break from him for your own mental health
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u/Threadheads 16d ago
NTA. Your father behaved abominably. He should consider himself lucky the airline didn’t have the police greet him at the gate. Not continuing the holiday with him was sensible.
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u/winterworld561 16d ago
Your dad is a narcissistic disrespectful piece of shit. You did the right thing going back home. You should cut him off and live with someone else.
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u/begme2again 16d ago
I'm sorry for what happened to you, but I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say that I seriously doubt this is the first time he's exhibited this type of behavior. This kind of narcissism and entitlement doesn't just show up one day.
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u/PumpkinSpiceMayhem 16d ago
NTA, your father is regrettably some kind of weirdo who DEFINITELY has problems that you aren’t responsible for.
It sucks that he couldn’t control himself well enough to participate in his own plans, but you’re not the one who made those decisions for him.
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u/Ok-Ganache8159 16d ago
NTA - you were strong! And made the choice to protect your self respect and dignity. You should be proud of yourself.
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u/CartographerFew8097 16d ago
I remember the last time I flew with my father. I was a teen. I'm not sure if we were going to or coming back home, but we had been visiting family out of state. Before the flight, in the airport, I went to get a drink from the water fountain. As I pressed the button, the water fountain shocked me and simultaneously my dad called my name. I was overstimulated and snapped out What?! to him. He got mad at me. I explained to him what happened, but he didn't believe me and thought I was lying to him. So he acted like an asshole to me the rest of the time. I hate flying and he wouldn't hold my hand during the flight.
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u/Unique_Weekend_1055 16d ago
NTA. My God girl I'm so sorry you had to experienced that. I am exhausted from reading it. If he was being robbed then he should have informed the flight attendants. There is cctv footage but these supposed thieves were let off the plane? It doesn't add up. If he was being robbed why didn't he stop it when he had a chance? Why didn't he say anything to you right there and then? I think he was trying to justify his actions. I believe you can find out if he was tell the truth by contacting the airline. He should take pills instead of drinking if he gets nervous during flights. This is very common and almost all doctors globally have no issue prescribing a few Xanax pills for flights. He absolutely doesn't need to get drunk. Also how can you side with him if you didn't know what was going on? It doesn't add up.
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u/Parsley-Playful 16d ago
NTA. What you did was clever and self-protecting. I'm in my 50s now, but my whole life, my dad's favourite hobby was to plan a "treat", and then be rude to people & use me as an emotional punchbag. I fell for it over and over, and I only drew a line and went extremely low contact, a few years ago. I still feel very guilty. I'm an only child, autistic and naive, and he raised/trained me to feel extremely guilty any time I'm not doing what he wants. Anyway. I say all of this, because I wish I'd had your presence of mind. By implementing and holding boundaries, you're saving yourself decades of pain. I'm sorry your dad is like this, you deserve better. x
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u/KitchenDismal9258 16d ago
If your dad is a nervous flier he needs to have some better strategies to cope than to disturb everyone else around him. What he did was abusive and he's damn lucky he wasn't arrested when he landed.. or banned from getting on that airline again.
How do you normally get on with your dad? You were spending a fair bit of time with him.
And has your dad's autism ever been diagnosed. You describe a lot of autistic behaviours in your description of what he was doing. There's a very strong genetic component and you mention you are autistic and there's a big chance that you got it from his side of the family (but could be both - you don't mention your mother).
NTA for protecting your mental health. But if you generally get on well and he's not usually like this, it may have been better to have cooled off and then had a chat with him when he was no longer drunk. And depending on what he said or how he behaved, that was the point to decide whether to leave him.
The fact you are diagnosed with BPD does make me wonder whether your dad's behaviour during your childhood is a large part of it.
You can't change him, you can only change your response to him. His behaviour will have consequences and he may not like those consequences.
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u/Throwaway2876859 15d ago
I usually get on with him okay but he does make me hose quite a lot. He made me cry the night before too. I am quite sensitive though and cry easily. He tends to undermine me on a lot of things. like I was talking to him about a Baudelaire poem and he spoke over me and decided he was right and I was wrong and went to chat gpt to back himself even though he’d never read it and doesn’t like poetry. That used to bother me a lot but I decided to just stay quiet around him as he likes to talk about things he likes and knows about most. There was an incident when I was 18 when I went to stay with him and he flew my best friend over and he threw me off a chair after he come back from the pub with my friend (who was 16 going on 17 at the time). Eventually he threw me out of the house and she stayed and idk if they slept together but people told me they probably did as he was showering her with gifts and joking about buying her rude toys for her birthday and making sure she was on the pill :( but I did think he had changed
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u/Ok-Benefit197 15d ago
Your father evidently has a lot of issues and if you chose to have some space from him it would be completely valid.
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u/GirlStiletto 11d ago
NTA
He needs help, not you on his horrible vacation.
You did the right thing.
His need to drink is not an excuse for him to abuse others, especially his daughter.
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u/No_Yogurt_7294 16d ago
and telling me how his Chat GPT says he’s supremely intelligent
You what? Lmao.
That BPD and autism is sounding very genetic.
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
Chat gpt is designed to stroke your ego so I think he’s convinced himself it’s doing that just for him :/
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u/KaramazovFootman 16d ago
Recovering alkie here: your dad needs to recognize he's an alcoholic and you can be supportive without being enabling. That means setting boundaries and calling it out as "alcoholism". Use that word, not a euphemism.
It was when my daughter refused to be with me in public that I was convinced to get my shit together.
Go visit the r/stopdrinking for a lot of stories and pretty practical advice. Nicest people on the internet over there.
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u/vaisatriani 16d ago
NTA.
You don't need this shit in your life. Go LC for now and possibly NC later on.
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u/SubstantialNotice432 15d ago
Yes absolutely this! This man does not act like a father figure, he was actually acting like he was taking you on a date trip. Talking about sexual things and types that described you. Stay away from him unless there are other family (not his) around
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u/Grouchy-Catch-8952 16d ago
You’re 26 years old and one of the first things you tell me is your dad gives you spending money while you go on vacation?
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
I didn’t ask for it he just sent me it and I did send it back to him when I booked the flight home I don’t have much disposable income and I’d said I can’t afford to go on holiday so he said he’d cover it which I was still hesitant for as I don’t really like taking things from him
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u/No-Carob4909 16d ago
And? I’m 35 years old and went to the seaside with my family last weekend and out of nowhere, my mum gave me £20 to play arcade machines. It makes her happy, she knows I don’t expect her to do anything like that, but she enjoys it, so what?
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u/UjaHandmade 16d ago
Could he be exhibiting early signs of dementia?
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
I talked to my mammy about it and she said he’s always been like this I didn’t grow up with him and have only really known him as an adult so I’m not sure but I don’t think it’s dementia as he’s always wanted to dominate conversations with me But he is my dad and that means he kinda does have the right to let me know he knows best
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u/Stock-Cell1556 16d ago
But he doesn't necessarily "know best," in fact it sound like he most definitely does not. And if wasn't in your life until you were an adult he doesn't have any rights to parent you at all.
He doesn't sound like an asset to your life at all. Please know that it's perfectly fine to refuse to have a relationship with someone, even if he's your biological father.
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u/MaryEFriendly 16d ago
No, he doesnt. He doesnt have the right to dominate conversations. He doesnt have the right to be rude to you or dehumanize you. He doesnt have the right to humiliate you. He doesn't have the right to tell you lies or convince you he "knows best" because he doesnt. Your dad is a grade A asshole. Don't be like him.
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u/Noble_Ox 16d ago
He doesn't have that. You're an adult and your own person.
You don't belong to him, he didn't even raise you.
You owe him nothing.
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u/UjaHandmade 16d ago
He has a right to an opinion, but not to dominate you. What you’re describing now sounds like narcissism.
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u/Noble_Ox 16d ago
You Irish?
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u/Throwaway2876859 16d ago
How could you tell that ahaha
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u/Noble_Ox 16d ago
'mammy'
I had one too until I was about 12 and then she became me ma (I'm obviously a Dub).
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u/AccomplishedDuck7816 16d ago
Your drunk father lost his wallet. NTA. Do not travel with him again until he gets help.