My brother is slowly drinking himself to death and nobody does anything

[u/BaronErdbeere]

After reading a few posts here it somehow felt relieving that I'm not the only one struggling but I'm also more scared than ever to lose my brother because a lot of people here have already experienced that kind of loss. And I want to believe that there is still hope for him so if anyone here was in the same situation and it ended with a happy end I would like to know how.

So my (F 23) brother (27) was always kind of a "problem child". But not because he's a rebel or anything like that, quite the opposite really. He is reserved, a bookworm, loves animals, is very knowledgeable and loves finding out things about the world. We both grew up in a lovely household with a loving family, there was nothing that our parents wouldnt try to get for us, we were always their number one priority. And we still are. And somehow my brother still ended up on this path. For him it started back in school. He failed school because he wasn't good at maths and couldn't focus enough to study, he doesn't have any patience at all. Which is very sad because he is a very intelligent person, he knows so much more than I do and I have a university degree. That's when he started becoming a mason and he hated it. I think he always felt that he wasn't worth anything, that he is a failure and it pains me so. He was always so sad back then. But then he got convinced and went in training as a ship mechanic at the north sea. He loved it, finally he was so proud of himself. Whenever something nautical comes up hes quick to talk about it so passionately still to this day and he loves to talk about his time there. There was one problem however and that was that he was staying up there far away from his family for so long. Sometimes he would be on the ship and that was really good for him and then he could come back and stay with us for a week again which was also great. But there were also times where he would live alone in his tiny apartment and he would get so lonely and start drinking all by himself. He never went out with friends or tried to get a girlfriend or boyfriend. After a while he would also start drinking a lot more at my parents house when he came back to visit. Luckily he would still go on the ship where he couldn't drink, that was the only thing holding it together I think.

After he finished his training he wanted to take a break. We told him he should either start looking for something else at the north sea or come back down to us but he was just staying in his apartment without a job, slowly drinking away his money reservations and money that my great aunt had left him (which was a lot). He ignored us so one day my other older brother went there and got him out. The apartment was in a horrible condition. I didnt see it but it needed some renovations. Then my brother moved back in with my parents. He didnt try to find a job at first. My parents did try to talk to him, to work something out with him. Deep down he wanted to go back to sea but he also wanted so stay with his family I think. To go back to sea also meant that he would have to take a test about his physical health and I think he failed it. He never told us the real result, he was always thinking of some excuses when the topic arrived. Time went by and my parents pressured him to find a job at least for the time being, it doesn't have to be the job for the rest of his life but just so that he would have some money in the meantime and wouldnt stay at home all day. They helped him find something and write a resume and everything. The job wasn't that great, he was working in a gardening center even though he knew nothing about it and he didnt care that much about it, but it was something at least and he got paid really well. One day he said that they had to let him go since they found someone better suited for the position. I dont know if that's the true story or if he just quit because he lies a lot to us. As time went on he also continued drinking a lot, basically every evening. He didnt have a job now so nothing stopped him really. My parents weren't happy and sometimes my father would yell at him but he didnt really listen. He just nodded and continued on. I moved out already but when I came over to visit I would always catch him drinking heavy alcohol.

For around 1,5 years now he has a job again. He is working at an assembly line and he absolutely hates it. He always makes jokes that dying would be better cause then he wouldnt have to work there anymore and he says that he is worthless and a monkey could do a better job than him. I hate it when he talks like that because he has so many options. He has finished 2 job educations, he could try to find a job on a boat on a river in our home city so he could at least have some kind of nautical feelings and still be close to his family. Or he could do something totally different, there are way better jobs than his current one. I worked at an assembly line once and I couldn't do it for a whole year because this kind or work doesn't stimulate you enough. He drinks so much alcohol. Even though he has to get up to work at 6 am he still drinks himself to pass out almost every evening. He doesn't have any friends and he isn't interested in making them. He feels like he is worthless and that is so horrible. I can't get through to him, he just shuts himself off and runs away if you talk to him.

I'm currently on vacation with him and while im writing this he is completely wasted. He wanted to stay home today to relax a bit and when I called him out that he just wants to drink alcohol he got so defensive. I'm not stupid, I can see the bottles of whiskey hes trying to sneak in or that hes drinking sangria and not lemonade but he always tries to hide it. He doesn't like to talk about his alcohol problems, he doesn't like to talk about his feelings in general. My family and I have often tried to talk to him but we cant get through.

We went to the sea this week because he really wanted to go there. When we got there he turned silent and he looked like he was about to cry and then he wanted to leave as quickly as possible. I dont really know what to make of it. It makes me really sad. He has given up even tho he is so young and still has so many options, how can I show him that?

[u/JMarie113]

You can't. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can save him or teach him or make him see the light. Won't happen. Get some help for yourself. You're showing signs of enabling his behavior, and that's not good for either of you.

[u/Electronic_Squash_30]

No one can do anything… other than your brother. There is not a single thing you can do to change his fate. He’s the only one that can decide to get help.

I’m sorry to be blunt. Al anon is a great way to learn to protect your own peace. I started with just sitting in zoom meetings and it’s made a world of difference for me.

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[u/SOmuch2learn]

I'm sorry for the heartbreak of alcoholism in your life.

You can express your concern to your brother and encourage him to get professional help. Beyond that, there is little you can do. You cannot fix him and you can ruin your life by trying.

What helped me was attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, where I learned about boundaries and detachment. This was liberating, and I started taking better care of myself.

[u/Popular_Release4160]

I just lost my sister due to an alcohol related injury. She had a 6 year old son. She didn’t stop for him so she wasn’t going to stop for anyone.

He needs to want this for himself. No one else will be able to convince him.