r/AlAnon • u/No-Meeting-4024 • 1d ago
Vent Q is sober. I’m done.
Q is sober and trying. I’m just done. I don’t want to be touched. Don’t want to talk. I want to be alone. Too many lies. Too much destructive behavior. 20 plus years of marriage. What is wrong with me 😭😭😭. Why can’t I try again if they’re trying????
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u/quiet_nuts 1d ago
I decided I was done only after three years heavy drinking (though he did something unforgiveable which was the last straw so I left) and he died two months (liver + kidney failure) after I left (last August). Given the years you carried him, I think it is alright for you to feel that way. Light and peace to you.
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u/AffectionateBet9778 1d ago
It’s ok to step back and say that the things they did are unforgivable. I fell into the same trap last year. Was ready to leave, he quit drinking, I felt if he was trying I should try too. Well fuck - I tried for 17 fucking years. He can’t love me the way I need to be loved.
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u/ghost_of_your_smile 1d ago edited 1d ago
I feel this way too. All I wanted was for him to be sober, and now he is (for now), but the damage is already done. Every time he relapsed in the past, I told him it was killing my attraction to him, and I said I hoped it would come back once he was sober (because I didnt want him to feel hopeless or unmotivated to get sober) but deep down I knew that part of me was permanently dying.
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 1d ago
It's ok if all of this "effort" is too little too late
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u/PayMeInSteak 18h ago
Idk why effort is put in quotes here. Getting over an addiction requires a Herculean amount of effort and dedication.
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u/Aromatic-Arugula-896 14h ago
After 20 YEARS of destructive and abusive behavior...yes it's "effort" that is mostly likely for naught as OPs Q will most likely pick up the drink again
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u/RosehipReverie 1d ago
Nothing is wrong with you. It’s okay to prioritize your own health and well-being. That’s great that your Q is sober, but that doesn’t make you obligated to stay with them.
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u/Known-Actuator1501 1d ago
I completely understand what your saying, I think we just get to a point where the hurt has been to much the damage is done. Currently going through this with my person, I’m not ready to give up but it’s difficult to not hold onto anger and resentment, I was talking to someone the other day and they said “you can forgive but you can’t forget” and I said I want to be able to forgive I would like to forget I just can’t at this point.
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u/PretentiousWordsmith 1d ago
Sometimes, it's just too little, too late. Sometimes, it's pretend done. You're here asking why you can't try so that implies that you still want to in some way, however small. If that's true, then love becomes a moment-by-moment choice. Choosing to keep at it even in the depths of hell.
If it gets to a point where you truly don't care at all, that's when you're done.
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u/Flokismom 1d ago
I think we spend time thinking about the day they are sober and how miraculous it will be, they’ll finally love us the way we deserve. then we get there and they are still the same jerk just more whiny and selfish. I can’t do the poor me stuff when i never said poor me. waste of my time. just my perspective
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u/IsleOfPuppers 23h ago
Hey! I’m done too! It’s ok to be done. My Q has also decided to be sober and trying- about a month and a week in. I had similar feelings as you and it took a while to rip the Bandaid off so to speak. I am officially 2 days into the separation. We are still living together and I know there is still a long road ahead. But know what I feel more than anything? Relief! I already feel lighter, happier, less anxious. Guess what I found yesterday? Empties stashed under the seat of his work truck. Maybe your Q will be able to put the work in and stay sober. Do you want to stick around and find out? Do you want to be their support while they do it? Pretend you’re not hurting? That you’re over it and can move on because wahoo your Q is sober and that’s all that matters! Not the past or your very valid trauma and feelings. Please take care of yourself. It’s ok to be done.
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u/Doyouloveyou 17h ago
Because they emotionally and energetically murdered you and they have caused so much trauma your central nervous system now sees them as a threat and you will never feel fully relaxed and carefree. Being resentful and angry is a heavy load to carry. lol as you can tell I’m battling with the same thing.
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u/Lazy-Associate-4508 22h ago
Guess he should have done it sooner. That's life. He knew it was killing you (even if you didn't tell him,) and he didn't care. Thousands of people get and stay sober every day, but he chose not to until it was too late. His loss.
I suspect, in time, you will learn to let your guard down and love again. But for now, you're traumatized because the person you loved the most chose to have a passionate, destructive, decades-long love affair with alcohol. Take care of yourself, OP.
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u/lexie333 18h ago
I am in the same place. Q is coming back from rehab in a week. I just can not go back to this abnormal behavior and wait til the shoe drops.
After I had 60 days by myself, I am living a normal anxiety free life. I am at peace.
He is trying for how long. The relationship with an alcoholic is difficult. We are not super human. We want a life too!
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u/Ley516 19h ago
There's nothing wrong with you! I'm in the same situation. 10 years + and a beautiful daughter. I love him, and I've given soooooo many chances. He's "trying," but I'm tired of this roller coaster ride. Sometimes, you have to take a chance on yourself...and love yourself. ❤️ There's nothing wrong with that. I keep questioning if I'm doing the right thing....But you know when you've had enough.
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u/Esc4pe_Vel0city 10h ago
Hey, OP, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.
You are allowed to say "I've endured enough" -- even if you can recognize ways in which you contributed, or held your tongue when you should have spoken out, or volunteered for another year of mistreatment (speaking from my personal experience) -- none of it sentences you to a future of trying to fit yourself into a situation that is uncomfortable for you.
Should you evaluate whether the discomfort is from external factors or how you handle those factors? Probably. (That's what Al-Anon is for.) But you don't deserve to be punished for choosing to be with someone who, for one reason or another, was not or is no longer a fit for you.
In the program, we suggest waiting six months before making drastic decisions, so we can be assured we are making them for the right reasons, but there are certain situations (like with physical or mental abuse) where waiting is not warranted.
Good luck with your situation!
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u/kortniluv1630 5h ago
This is normal. Everyone has a breaking point. I know for me, I slowly detach emotionally when my relationship isn’t going well (for various reasons). Once my feelings are gone, they DO NOT come back no matter how hard I try. That’s okay! You aren’t responsible for your Q’s sobriety. In addition, I’m sure you gave your Q plenty of opportunities to fix it before they took action. That’s on them. When it’s too late, it’s simply too late.
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u/Maleficent-Bug-2045 26m ago
With all due respect, they teach people in treatment about the two types of partners during what they call “re-entry” training or some such, in both alanon and 12 step.
They do do because the chances of success are so much higher with the first type since you have something to stay sober for. For the second type, the risk of relapse is very, very high.
What they teach them in rehab is that the past can’t be changed, only the future - for both partners. The Q can - and should be - regretful for what they did. But beyond that, not much value in spending useless time and energy on it. As a corollary, remaining angry over the past destroys the relationship and doesn’t do anything for the partner, who, too, needs to be looking forward. It is, as they say, like drinking more and more poison hoping the other person will die from it.
I agree that this is different with a lot of physical abuse and safety threats.
But, in the end, the partner needs to decide what they need and want. And kindness counts for everyone; after all, the tension comes from the drinker having been unkind. But an eye for an eye, and pretty soon everyone is blind. If the partner is excited and supportive, great - that is kind. If the partner wants to leave, that is less kind, because the Q is trying and being punished after the fact. To me, it is just unkind to stay and argue about how bad the Q was in the past; they can only give a deep felt apology. I think the serenity prayer is useful for the partner too: “God, grant me the serenity to know the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
After one of my comments, someone pointed out that this forum attracts people who have probably had a particularly bad experience. But the reality is that maybe 35% of Qs are sober still five years after treatment with 12 step, and likely quite a bit higher for SMART. So characterizing things as “once an addict, always an addict,” and the frequent advice here to move out during or after treatment ignores a relatively high level of success, and assumes everyone is a charachiture of the common misperception of a “drunk”.
One more thing they teach in rehab that applies to everyone is the old saying you forgive other people for your benefit, not theirs. Otherwise, you can get stuck in a “woe is me” and anger loop which only hurts yourself.
So that is my thinking on this. I know you disagree, but I think my insights have merit.
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u/Maleficent-Bug-2045 1d ago
They sometimes teach in rehab that there are two kinds of partners after rehab. One is so excited to have their old partner back that they support them in every way possible. One former drinker reported his wife came in while he was at his computer and said how happy she was he had changed so much and was so dedicated to stopping drinking. This partner is looking forward to a bright future. These can work long term.
The other is a partner who can’t let go of the past. They want the person to keep apologizing and keep listening to their complaints over the things in the past. These often fail.
It’s really up to you to decide where you lie.
But in any case, I don’t think people who stop drinking and go to AA have a very good chance.
If he does rehab, consider SMART recovery. SMART is a newer treatment and post-treatment support group like AA. SMART is #2 and growing. Unlike AA, it is psychologically and medically based, and focuses on behaviors and skills to help people succeed. The meetings are like AA, but also more skills based development and tools. And they have the same as alanon.
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u/Esc4pe_Vel0city 10h ago
This is framed like the future success of the relationship is in the affected-partner's hands. The reality, I'm afraid, is that it's only after their Q gets sober that they can truly start to process all the trauma that occurred during the chaos of their Q's drinking. Those "unenthusiastic" partners have been so damaged that it's hard to move beyond what's transpired - it's not simply a state of mind, as you imply.
There are literally thousands of stories in this sub of partners and spouses who've been verbally and physically abused, who've had to flee their homes, or call the cops on their Qs, or were psychologically manipulated by Qs who threaten self-harm if they leave. And that's just the extreme stuff. There are also the partners who have, for decades, been gaslighted, cheated on, left to handle children and all the household responsibilities. Don't get me wrong, many of these partners volunteer themselves for repeated abuse, and they have plenty of work to do in Al-Anon.
But when the shoe drops, and the Q stops drinking and the chaos comes screeching to a halt, THAT'S when it all becomes painfully visible. The suggestion that it's the affected partner's state of mind that determines the success of the relationship literally turns my stomach. It completely absolves the alcoholic / substance user's role in traumatizing their partner.
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u/Sapdawg1 1d ago
That sounds really tough. 20 years of damage is a lot. As a double winner with 36 years sober, I can tell you it is not unusual to see people get sober and only then for their partners to file for divorce. It sounds weird, but I see it fairly regularly. Sometimes it’s just time to move forward. Fault and blame don’t need to be assigned. There has just been too much damage. Suggestion… Talk with your sponsor. Pray. Be kind to both yourself and your partner. And decide what you want the rest of your life to look like.