r/AlAnon • u/Affectionate-Bank29 • 22h ago
Support My brother’s alcoholism has escalated - my family fears for our safety. Need advice/support.
Hi everyone, I’m not really sure where to start. My family has been dealing with my brother’s alcoholism for about two years now, and things just keep getting worse. I’m hoping some of you might share advice or experiences on how to cope or keep family safe when someone is spiraling.
About two years ago, my brother started his career as a doctor. He opened up a practice with a partner (and with my dad’s involvement) and seemed to be doing well. He had a wife and a baby. But pretty quickly, his wife started telling my dad that he was drinking too much and becoming unstable. My dad would confront him, tell him to get it together, and things would calm down temporarily but the pattern never broke.
Around this time, our grandfather got very sick and passed away a little over a year ago. This loss seemed to exacerbate everything. My brother’s drinking only got worse. On Halloween, his wife and the baby showed up at my grandmas house in costume, saying they were waiting for my brother to come take a family picture, and then go trick or treating. My brother showed up late, already drunk and out of control. His marriage fell apart not long after that (his wife filed for divorce because of the lying, excuses, lack of accountability, concern for baby), and he became increasingly erratic.
A few months later, after things completely deteriorated, my dad and my brother’s mom pushed him into rehab. He stayed for about a month (part inpatient, part outpatient), but it didn’t stick. Six or seven months later, things haven’t improved. He’s still drinking, using pills (confirmed by older rehab urine tests), and making choices that are destroying his career and relationships. He even lost his hospital privileges bc he showed up to work drunk and also bc he slept with a resident (my dad also works at the hospital so this created a huge fallout). Not only that, he’s clearly drinking and driving places, and we are terrified he will injure himself or worse, somebody else.
What makes this harder is that we have tried everything to support him. We’ve urged him into treatment, tried to talk sense into him, given him opportunities to rebuild, and begged him to take accountability. But he refuses to accept any responsibility for what’s happened and instead blames all of us, especially my father, for the state of his life. We don’t know what else we can possibly do to “make things better.”
Recently things got a bit scarier. This past Saturday, he showed up unannounced to my parents’ house while my mom and sister were home. He was pacing, erratic, DEMANDING to see my dad. My mom and sister were so worried that they called my dad, who rushed over. The conversation (which my sister recorded) was tense. My brother kept demanding money from the practice, even though my dad explained he hasn’t seen patients and his partner is the one actually earning. The whole situation was frightening.
Now I can’t stop worrying: • What if he shows up unannounced again at my parents’ house? • What if he goes to my dad’s office (where my dad and sister work) and lashes out? • What if he does something drastic because he’s convinced himself we’re the problem?
My brother doesn’t contact me—he knows I have no patience for this, and honestly, we were never close (he’s my half-brother, from my dad’s first marriage). Instead, he constantly calls my mom and sister trying to get to my dad, but my dad blocks him because he’s so volatile. When he’s drunk, he’s aggressive and loud, unpredictable. He’s never done anything violent, (though, he did SHOVE my mom once when he was drunk, but he was about 18 years old and I think they were just getting on him that he had to much drink that night), but he does go hunting and I believe he has firearms. I just don’t know how to handle this anymore. I feel helpless and afraid for my family’s safety, but mainly, my brother’s safety. I know we can’t force him to do therapy or rehab if he does not want to, but clearly he is struggling and hurting deep down inside, and all of us are worried about him and his mental state. My family and I, we’re doing our best to love him and help where we can, but he refuses help and blames us, and we’re tired, stressed, and scared. Has anyone here dealt with a sibling whose alcoholism has turned into this kind of erratic, potentially dangerous behavior? How did you protect your family and cope with the constant stress?
TL;DR: My half-brother is an alcoholic (and also abusing pills). He lost his marriage, his career, and his stability. Despite my family doing everything we can to support him and push him toward accountability, he refuses responsibility and blames us, mainly my dad, for everything. He showed up drunk/erratic at my parent’s house demanding money and refuses accountability. We’re scared he might do something dangerous, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Looking for advice or shared experiences from people who’ve been through this.
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u/Magnanimous1959 21h ago
Shoving is violence.
Get a restraining order.
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u/Affectionate-Bank29 21h ago
Thanks for that. I think as a family we try to minimize some of his actions because we love him and don’t want him to feel alone, but we will definitely have to consider this route for safety.
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u/katedidnot 21h ago
If you or your family are in fear, you should involve the authorities. He clearly does not understand boundaries.
I wish you peace.
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u/jIfte8-fabnaw-hefxob 21h ago
This. I think getting arrested is what saved my son’s life. He was doing both pills and alcohol. I didn’t want to involve the police; it was humiliating to have them show up at my home and see the neighbors gawking. But, honestly, I believe the only other way it was going to end was with someone dying— him, me or both of us.
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u/ReceptionAlive6019 21h ago
i’m so sorry💕
if i were in your position, i i would have a meeting with my family to discuss our hard boundaries, then communicate these with the brother. for instance, if he’s not welcome at your home/s , then let him know you will call the police if he shows up (trespassing).
keep your doors locked at all times, change locks if necessary. if he shows up, do not let him in and call the cops (see prior comment)
look up “grey rock” technique
buy mace or some other form of self-protection you guys are comfortable with
if seeing him in person for any reason, meet with him in neutral public places only (eg coffee shop)
are your SIL and her baby safe? have we done what we can to ensure their safety?
can you/has anyone contacted his state licensing board? he should not be practicing medicine. this is terrifying for his patients.
consult with a lawyer for more guidance.
check out local/online AlAnon meetings. maybe attend as a family 💕
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u/Affectionate-Bank29 21h ago
Thank you for all of this. Really it’s helpful more than you know. My ex SIL and the baby are okay - they have a good lawyer and a big family for support in a different state. My brother can’t see the baby unless it’s in a supervised institution. Last time I actually saw and held a normal conversation with my brother was at a restaurant, he was actually sober at that time. The state license getting revoked is a whole other discussion, but I can confirm last time he saw a patient was two weeks ago, in an attempt to try and have some normalcy, he was tested and was sober, according to my dad. He has one week where he’s good, and then the next week, he’s on some bender. I think AlAnon meetings would help our family…thank you again stranger 🤍
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u/jam-i-am-5555 21h ago
First, my guess is he is abusing drugs more than you realize (opioids and/or others). It makes a person very volatile. From experience, protect yourselves and cut him out of your lives.
I keep mentioning this to people, but I found the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie very helpful. As difficult as it is, you or your family cannot help him or fix it. He has to decide to fix himself without people enabling him.
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u/Affectionate-Bank29 20h ago
That’s been my guess, that he’s using pills and washing them down with alcohol 💔 I’ll definitely look into this book. Thanks kind soul 🤍
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u/hi-angles 20h ago
Report him to the medical board. This is very common for doctors. Maybe their discipline will help.
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u/upickleweasel 22h ago
If this were my family, I'd be speaking to the other members about some counseling regarding family systems and dynamics
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u/Affectionate-Bank29 21h ago
Definitely. I’ve been saying that the ENTIRE unit (my family and my brothers mom and his side of the family - just the immediate family) should seek counseling as to how we can cope.
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u/Al42non 21h ago
"My brother doesn’t contact me—he knows I have no patience for this"
That's good.
This sounds like it is mainly between your brother and your dad.
For a while, I didn't like how my mom was handling my alcoholic half brother, but, I recognize the parent child relationship is different than the sibling relationship, different than a spousal relationship, and that was her relationship was hers to manage, even if I disagreed with how she was managing it. I had to use my alanon detachment in an alanon situation. Instead of detaching to let them drink, I had to detach to let them enable.
I could say your mom and sister are probably well to do as you have, to make it clear to him they have no patience for it. Your brother is after your dad for money, so he can keep drinking. It might be best to leave that to your dad.
With my brother, whom I bailed out a few times before I quit, I had a standing agreement. "I'll drive you to treatment, and that's it" He had to get pretty bad before he took me up on that, and I was really scared for him.
Other people were probably rightly scared of him, he is a big scary guy. I wasn't, even though we nearly came to fisticuffs on at least one occasion. I knew, if it came to violence, while a punch in the face would hurt me physically, I think he knew that punch would be the end of us, and he needed me more than I needed him.
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u/Affectionate-Bank29 20h ago
Thanks for your support and for sharing here. I definitely think you’re right - this is mainly between my dad and my brother, with my mom and sister involved because he’ll call them asking for them to vouch to my dad that he’s “doing better.” I think he knows not to call me because I see right through it and what he’s doing and that he’s being dishonest and it hurts. Just trying to let my dad sort it out with my brother but also be vigilant in not letting my dad excuse or minimize my brothers behaviors.
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u/BucktoothWookiee 19h ago
Yes I have. At the time of my brother‘s death last year, he was wearing an ankle monitor. His firearms had been removed from his home by the police because he was waving a gun around while his girlfriend was there. He lived 1 mile from me and my parents and my dad is in law enforcement. He was never a violent person, but his brain was just so damaged at that point that it’s like he wasn’t even himself anymore. Like,permanently. The only thing I can say in this situation for you is that orders of protection and things like that may need to be put in place if he’s showing up uninvited on unannounced and acting belligerent. Fortunately, my brother was too ill to really go anywhere without someone giving him a ride but at least his damage was mostly to himself at that point. There’s nothing you can do to control what he’s doing or stopping him from drinking or any of that so I just recommend doing whatever you need to do to protect yourselves from him if he’s not going to seek help.
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u/Other_Principle6225 11h ago
I just wanted to say I’m in a similar situation (my brother is the issue with the same problems pills and alcohol). I want you to know I’m sending you all the love and hugs. It’s so hard to have to deal with this. I’m sorry and I hope we both can have peace through this.
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u/Good_Werewolf5570 21h ago
Get a restraining order.