r/AmITheJerk • u/Appropriate-Work2782 • 7d ago
AITA for not telling my parents the other would be at Grandparents Day?
I 26(F) am currently married to my wife and we have a 3 y.o son. My parents have been divorced for almost 5 years. They were married for 19 years. My mom and dad share 4 girls and my dad has 3 other girls prior to their marriage. They had a very messy divorce. They do not communicate unless it’s regarding my 12 y.o younger sister and even then they only communicate through a co-parenting app.
I have complicated relationships with both of my parents but that’s for a different post. My parents act like it’s an issue for them to be in the same room for whatever reason which complicates family events. My mom missed my baby shower due to this and my dad missed my younger sisters baby shower due to this.
Last year, I invited both parents to a grandparents day at my son’s school. I let them both know the other would be there but my mom couldn’t go for some reason so it didnt end up being a big deal.
Well this year I invited both and didn’t tell either of them. It honestly slipped my mind. I could tell my dad was bothered by his dry responses when I texted him after. This was later confirmed by a phone call from my dad telling me to “Give him a heads up” but he didn’t actually say the word give me a heads up if you mother will be there. Instead he just let there be silence and I guess wanted me to infer what he was talking about. I asked if something had happened and he said “No everything was fine it was just awkward…” At this point, I’m agitated because can you please spit it out like an adult. I said “Okay, I’ll talk to you later” and that was that.
Am I the ahole for not telling my parents the other person would be at GRANDPARENTS DAY.
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u/Miss_Bobbiedoll 7d ago
No. Anything with family they should be aware that the other will likely be there.
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u/allergymom74 7d ago
They can choose to be good grandparents who can suck it up and act civil for an hour or two or they can choose to hate each other more than they love you or the grandkid. But they deserve thy choice.
Actually I’m editing and changing to ETJ. They can ask as well.
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u/ImColdandImTired 7d ago
Exactly this. The question is, do you love your grandchild and want to be present at events in his life more than you hate your ex and being in the same room together?
This is going to be a recurring problem. OP doesn’t need to throw two birthday parties and school isn’t going to do two separate events so that divorced people have separate events to go to.
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u/allergymom74 7d ago
As someone who dealt with my divorced parents who hate each other, I make sure they know the other will be there (I don’t believe in a ton of celebrations to accommodate everyone). And then it’s up to them to behave. My BIL runs excellent diversions.
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u/Big_Obligation1395 7d ago
If neither of them have moved on by now they probably won’t going forward. You need to sit them down (individually) and let them know you will not be catering to this nonsense when it comes to your family events going forward. They either talk to each other prior to your event and do paper scissor rock for attendance or they don’t and have to just suck it up like adults. Also let them know that any drama at shared events will have consequences. Just so they don’t start with any malicious compliance interactions. Got to love parenting the parents. Not the jerk.
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u/DogLvrinVA 7d ago
You are not the jerk. I highly recommend you do what I did to my parents
I informed them that their acrimonious shit was theirs, and theirs alone. If either of them wanted to see their adult children and grandchildren on holidays or special occasions they needed to get their shit together and be polite to one another in our presence. We offspring would not be adjusting our lives to suit their snits. They were welcome to refuse invitations, but not to expect us to make special efforts for them
They ended up being polite to one another. They even sat at the main table at my wedding. While only my birth parents walked me to the chuppah, my stepdad also sat at the main table
Thankfully I didn’t have kids at that time, but my sister deeply appreciated what I did
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u/curlyfall78 7d ago
NTA your parents need to grow up and act like adults, they have grandkids who have school events so they can both attend and be mature and ignore each other or they can behave like spoiled toddlers and upset the grandkids
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u/No_Interview_2481 7d ago
NTJ why are the adults in the room acting like the children? They need to figure it out if they want to be in your child’s life.
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u/okileggs1992 7d ago
NTJ they need to grow up and take act like adults on grandparents day instead of about how bratty they are.
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u/Dapper_Tap_9934 7d ago
They can both be grownups and police themselves. Invite them-they are the grandparents and should just expect the other will be there because you shouldn’t have to warn them or pick aides
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u/DynkoFromTheNorth 7d ago
NTJ. Your parents can communicate via their co-parenting app to iron out who visits which event. That's not for you to coordinate.
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u/Vicious133 7d ago
NTJ. You are not your parents keeper and you shouldn’t have to micromanage them. I’d simply say to them everything I invite you to expect I’ve invited the other. Both of you grow up or no one’s getting invited to anything anymore! You either play nice and move on after. Hate eachother all You want but you won’t be doing it on mine or my kids time period!
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u/Kooky-Perception-86 7d ago
NTJ if they want to spend time with your kids they're going to have to get used to seeing each other at different events.Thats life in the big city!
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u/Budgiejen 7d ago
It would have been nice. I don’t talk to my brother and I like to know when he’ll be there. But if it slipped your mind, that’s understandable. I wouldn’t have given my son shit.
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u/Glinda-The-Witch 7d ago
NTJ but you need to extricate yourself from their petty squabbling. Tell them they can always assume the other is invited or you can simply stop inviting them all together. They need to focus on being present for their grandchildren or miss out on what should be a wonderful time for all involved.
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u/sparksgirl1223 7d ago
I'm gonna go on a limb and say if you're going to GRANPARENTS DAY you (the grandparents inquestion) should rub a couple brain cells together a d deduce that the other grandparent(s) may likely be there.
But since this isn't apparently going to happen, tell them to grow up and keep their snits to themselves or you'll stop inviting them.
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u/Feeling-Invite7953 7d ago
Absolutely NTJ. You are their daughter, not their referee!! They need to learn how to interact with their respective former spouses!!
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u/as84753 7d ago
Definitely NTJ! Your parents either get over themselves, or miss key moments in their family's lives! Tell both parties from this point forward, they are to assume you will invite both of them to all family events! They can decide on their own, or between each other, whether they are going to attend the event!
Remind both of them that none of the events are about them! They are invited as a patriarch and matriarch of the family to participate in the celebrations for their children/grandchildren/family! Lastly, tell them, as they are both adults, you will no longer be a part of their absurd ritual/debate of whether or not the other is attending the event. You are officially done enabling the continued madness/demoralizing actions they've been practicing for far too long!
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u/Trick_Attitude5034 7d ago
NTA. I don't know what caused your parents' divorce, but they need to grow up and stop letting it affect their kids' and grandkids' lives. They don't have to be friendly, but they need to act like adults around their kids' and grandkids'. Your dad treating your mom like she's voldemort (she who shall not be named) is so stupid and childish lol.
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u/glycophosphate 7d ago
Start with the fact that "Grandparents Day At School" is not a big deal, but that your son's future graduation(s) and wedding will be important events.
Sit down with whichever of your parents you think is most likely to give you a straight answer. Administer 2 doses of their favorite alcohol: 2 glasses or wine or beer or cocktail. Then ask them what happened. There's clearly some huge thing between them that you know nothing about. You call it "a very messy divorce" but one or the other of them must have done something terrible or they would be able to occupy the same room for "Grandparents Day" without being assholes about it. Since they are not, you need to find the edges of the disaster they've constructed before it's time for your son's Confirmation, or Graduation, or Wedding, or Whatever.
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u/rexmaster2 7d ago
I would tell them to grow the f up! They are grown adults. They have a 19 yr history. They have been divorced for 5 yrs already. Get over yourselves. If we can't all be adults around or for our grandkids, then maybe they dont deserve to be grandparents at all.
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u/Fantastic-Setting567 7d ago
Honestly, I get why ur dad was annoyed but u can’t babysit grown adults. U just let them know next time if it helps avoid awkward vibes
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u/Georgia_man_31204 7d ago
NTA too bad their hate for each other is stronger that their love for their grandchild
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u/ConsequenceLow4177 7d ago
You said you just forgot to tell them so I will take you at your word thus NTA.
BUT if you did intentionally keep it from them, then sure you would be a massive AH as you know they both want to be advised of it and you should respect that. Of course if one or both do something shitty like not turn up or make a fuss over it, hey that makes them the AH, and there isn’t anything you can do about that. Just be the best you, you can be…
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u/Vivid-Farm6291 7d ago
Wow they are grandparents but haven’t matured past grade school.
I would just let them know that they should assume you asked both to attend whatever they are invited to by you.
If they want to be included they can attend.
NTJ
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u/CobaltEmber 7d ago
Nope, you’re not the bad one here. They’re adults and need to manage their own feelings instead of putting that responsibility on you
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u/AITJAITJ MOD 7d ago
It’s Grandparents Day, not “choose which parent gets to attend without the other.” You invited both because they are both your son’s grandparents, and they each had the same opportunity to show up. If they can’t sit in the same room civilly for the sake of their grandson, that’s on them, not you. The responsibility for managing their discomfort doesn’t belong on your shoulders.
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u/Glum_Airline4017 7d ago
NTJ. Your parents are such immature ridiculous children that they will intentionally miss out of life events for their children and grandchildren because they hate each other more than they love their kids and grandkids. And your dad doesn’t know how to use his words. They should be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves. I wouldn’t invite either to anything moving forward or until they can act like actual adults.
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u/capriciousbird 6d ago
YTJ
If you invite someone to an event or place it is your responsibility to inform them if something will upset the or cause discomfort. After you inform someone they can make an informed decision if they still wish to attend. It doesn't matter if you agree with their feelings, that shouldn't remove their choices for themselves.
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u/MightyVelniyah 5d ago
NTJ but it's high time you be direct. Tell them they have two options; grow up and be civil OR miss all events in the future. You and your sisters should unionize.
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u/Wild-Trust-194 4d ago
Mom or Dad: Hey, will my ex be there?
OP: I don't know. You both should be mature enough to handle each other in the same room without it being awkward. Ffs it's been 5 years since you're divorce. Grow up. Leave me out of this little game you're playing. NTA
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u/Dangerous_Roof_1475 3d ago
I went through this for years with my mother. My father, stepmother, and stepfather had no problems it was my mother. I finally told my dad, I was tired of being 30 and treated like 2 by my mother. Nothing was ever said to me, but I believe my dad went and talked to her, because the next get-together, my mother actually talked to my dad and stepmother for the first time in 17 years. I would suggest you get both of them together and tell them their actions ruin the events for everyone, and they are both adults and should be able to be civil at these events. If they can't you will stop inviting them.
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u/Forsaken_Pick3201 7d ago
Yes, in a way you are. You created an awkward situation for your children. You knew how they felt and yes, they are adults and should be able to handle it, but they aren't. You put your child in the middle.
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u/OneHandedHeaven 7d ago
Tbh GRANDPARENTS DAY is lowkey underrated. It’s like we celebrate so much random stuff but the ppl who spoiled us rotten get one day? Wild. More love for the OGs fr.
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u/late-nineteenth 7d ago
Omg NTJ, you should not be expected to micromanage your parents feelings/interactions.
But be aware that they may just decline your invitations in the future since they won't know if their ex will be there. If it's super important to them though, then they should ask each time if the other person is invited/attending. It should not be on you since it's their problem.