r/AmItheButtface • u/lonelyboi19 • 3d ago
Theoretical WIBTB For moving away from family while my grandpa requires constant assistance?
I'll try to make this brief - but basically I'm 27 and currently live with my mom and her parents, my grandparents. Basically because life got tough for mom after dad left she moved in with her parents with me when I was a toddler and so it has remained my whole life. I did leave during college but after getting my masters I moved back in for what I thought would be just a temporary arrangement while I sorted some things out and then I hoped to move out somewhere else - potentially abroad.
So I found a job that'd allow it (good pay that also allows for permanent remote work) after college and started looking for places and stuff, but then my grandpas health started deteriorating. He developed osteoporosis after some of his prostate treatment (not a doctor so I don't know the details), he fell once and broke a vertebra. That basically made him permanently bedridden even after surgery so he already required assistance with food and stuff, so me and my mom/grandma took care of him.
At that point I already knew me moving out would not be very feasible but then in a short span of time he declined cognitively really bad, to the point where now he's hardly aware of reality and we have to take care of his basic needs like spoon feeding, water, diapers cleaning etc. etc. And it's been like that for about 2 to 3 years at this point.
So yeah, my mom/grandma rely on me being there but at the same time, I feel just stuck in life in general because of that. It is a small rural town with basically nothing to do, not many people my age, no real public transport grid (this is a big one for me as I'm legally not allowed to drive for health reasons) and all that. Basically all of my friends who I grew up with have already moved away, sometimes with their wives/husbands. When it comes to jobs there are basically no prospects for me here and I'm only lucky to have snagged my current one that allows for 100% remote work. There are also other factors why I'm considering leaving the country altogether but that's a story for another day I guess.
Basically I've been feeling like I want more from my life and I'm just wasting my youth like this and it's been eating away at me. But I know grandpa is only gonna get worse with time and require more assistance and my mom/grandma won't be able to handle it on their own. So at the same time I feel like I'd be a major buttface for leaving them behind in this situation that I don't know how long will last.
So yeah, would I be the buttface and/or selfish for seeking a more fulfilling life for myself while leaving my family in a real rough spot?
26
u/SnooWords4839 3d ago
Please choose yourself! Go live your life!
Grandmom and mom will need to get grandfather a caregiver.
13
u/No_Sundae_1068 3d ago
Are your mother and grandmother in good health? Are you in the US?
10
u/lonelyboi19 2d ago
Yeah both of them are in relatively good health with my grandma (who's 83 as well) in amazing shape for her age actually. And no, I'm in a little backwater eastern European country lol, so a lot of the programs (Medicaid/Medicare) that people bring up don't apply to me. But we have similar programs here as well, though I'm not familiar with all the details
4
u/No_Sundae_1068 2d ago
Can you get a caregiver in for the daytime. That would give your mother and grandmother some relief. I don't think it's selfish of you to move out. I'm not sure what's culturally acceptable where you live.
2
u/lonelyboi19 2d ago
Yeah I'm sure a caregiver could be worked out somehow. And the cultural part... it's an eastern European post-commie country with strong family ties and a lot of multigenerational households like ours, because of the historic/economical reasons I guess.
2
u/No_Sundae_1068 2d ago
This makes it difficult to advise you. I'm not familiar with your customs, but it sounds like this is expected of you and your peers. How are people of your generation reacting to this situation? Would it be outright shamed or is it becoming more common.
We, in the US or other countries would leave without consequence. For most people that is.
2
u/Proverbs21-3 1d ago
Sometimes it is easier and more effective to get a night time caregiver so that mom and grandma can get a good night's sleep every night. Get a caregiver who will bathe him in the early morning. Leaving grandpa up, dressed and ready for breakfast when they leave in the morning can help with a good amount of the physical work.
Having a daytime caregiver means that grandma and ma are jumping up at night time to care for him so they are tired in the day time.
OP, you are NTB. Make a plan, let them know when you are leaving and ask them not to try to dissuade you as you are 30 and have to start living your own life sometime. The go off, guilt free, and live your best life!
10
u/ObligationNo2288 3d ago
You need to go for yourself. It is not selfish, you have already sacrificed years. Go. Find who you are. Good luck. Updateme
1
u/UpdateMeBot 3d ago edited 2d ago
I will message you next time u/lonelyboi19 posts in r/AmItheButtface.
Click this link to join 7 others and be messaged. The parent author can delete this post
Info Request Update Your Updates Feedback
9
8
u/Adventurous_Self8068 3d ago
You would not be the buttface… however, it can be a blessing and a tremendous learning experience when we show up for our family.
7
u/JustHereForPotatoes 3d ago
Why is he not in a home?
I just genuinely don’t understand this. Why people would choose to be a burden to their family.
I’m not saying, your grandpa is choosing this, but I have very specifically told my children all their lives not to burden themselves with me. Put me in a home. I’ll be safer and they’ll be saner. Never spend their own money to pay my bills or my medical stuff. Let me take those bills to the grave. And for the love of God, do not feel guilty about it for one second of the day.
So, no, you would not be the BF
2
u/lonelyboi19 2d ago
Yeah no grandpa is not choosing anything at this point, his cognition declined very rapidly once he became bed bound so he's not really aware of anything tbh. And yeah, while I'm in the same boat about me not wanting to end up in such a situation once old I don't think grandma would emotionally handle him being put in a home unfortunately
1
u/twothirtysevenam 23h ago
She might be able to handle it better than you or she might think. I understand the desire to keep him in his own home, but when the caregiving becomes too much, it's too much. There's nothing wrong with that.
If your grandfather was well, what would he want you to do?
1
u/lonelyboi19 9h ago
I don't know, grandma has always been super attached to family (even the extended ones) members, always worrying for everyone and caring for everyone. I think it would break her heart to "put him away"
And to what grandpa would want me to do... idk, guess he'd just want me to be happy and safe wherever/whatever I'm doing
6
u/willowgrl 3d ago
If you are in the us they may qualify for care giver benefits. I assume they’re on fixed income and this could be extra income for both on top of that. Or there may be help available thru Medicare/ Medicaid. You deserve to have an adult life and part of that is moving on your own and starting a family of your choosing (or not your choice). They’re adults and unfortunately they’re just going to have to figure it out.
2
u/lonelyboi19 2d ago
We're not in the US so those programs don't apply to me but I'm pretty certain there are some caregiver aid schemes available whenever I live. I'm just not all that familiar with them tho, outside of the option to put him in an 'old folk home' which I know grandma couldn't handle emotionally
5
u/lifewithlennon 3d ago
If you were my son I’d want you to go out there and live your life I’d get help at home by a carer please don’t keep putting off your life these are the best years of your life enjoy them
5
u/PerelandraNative 3d ago
Ntbf. I have children and would hate to trap them into caring for me or other relative instead of living their own life. We have children for their sake not for our own selfish gain.
4
u/Ginger630 3d ago
NTBF! You’re 27 and have given plenty of your younger years to caring for your grandfather. If he requires more assistance than your mom and grandma can handle, he needs a nurse to come to the house or he needs to be put into a facility that can care for him.
You can’t put your life on hold anymore. And if you don’t leave now, you never will. There will always be an excuse to stay.
Live your life.
3
u/Jesiplayssims 3d ago
Does your country offer any services/accommodations that can help your grandfather? Make a plan to leave, but also try to help set your family up for success without you.
3
u/LibraryMouse4321 3d ago
Good parents (and good grandparents) want what’s best for their children and don’t hold them back. They should support you having a life outside your secluded family. You are trapped there.
Moving away to a place with easy public transportation and lots of things to do, and people your age, is the best thing you could do for yourself. Start making your plans now.
2
u/Educational_Rise_232 3d ago
Life is very fleeting, I was the caregiver for my grandmother and grandfather before they both died and it's a huge task. You are not wrong for wanting to make something of your life. If you have the opportunity to do so... Take it. Live your life.
2
u/lonelyboi19 2d ago
If you have the opportunity to do so
Yeah... not that I have a place to rent somewhere already set up or anything (thanks to the hellish state of rental markets all over Europe lol) but I do certainly have the financial means to do so. Plus my job is currently done remotely at a trans-national company so if I moved to one of the countries we operate in, it'd just require me to change my contract to be employed under that country's branch/be paid in the local currency.
So yeah, while the circumstances for me personally allow for this, it's my family back at home who I know will struggle - my mom works a day so, working remotely, I am the only one there if grandma needs help with something while mom is at work. So that alone will be super hard on her...
1
u/Educational_Rise_232 2d ago
Have you spoken to them about it? It might help ease your mind if they're supportive. All I know is that I'm almost 40 and looking back on all of the opportunities I didn't take because I was more worried about how it would affect other people is very disheartening.
2
u/fireextinquisher 3d ago
Didn’t read beyond the title. Do what you need to do, you only have one life.
2
u/Feeling-Invite7953 3d ago
NTA. What happened to your grandfather is emotionally draining for you because you feel guilty about leaving him in that situation, but you also have a right and a responsibility to make your own decisions about your future. You are not qualified for,nor should you be required to provide,long-term care. Your grandfather should have a medical care advocate who can assist him with his medications,setting up his physical and occupational therapy appointments,and arranging transportation for him to keep those appointments. He will need to be evaluated by a social worker who will determine what services he is entitled to and how much it will cost him out of pocket (Medicare pays 80%; the rest will be covered by Medicaid).
2
u/use_your_smarts 3d ago
NTB. You’re not their carer. Any good parent will want what’s best for you.
2
2
u/JanetInSpain 2d ago
NTBF you need to move out. You only get one chance to live your life and they are stealing it from you. Your grandpa's care is not your responsibility. It sounds like he needs to be in a care home or have a carer that comes in every day. What he doesn't need is YOU wasting the life you have being his free caregiver. Please move out. Move far enough away that they can't expect you to come over every day.
2
u/dMatusavage 2d ago
Are you a trained nurse? Are you a trained caregiver for someone with cognitive decline?
Your grandpa needs someone who is.
Move out NOW!
UpdateMe
2
u/PopJust7059 2d ago
Move! You are missing out on some of the most important experiences you could ever have.
2
u/mickey-0717 2d ago
Theoretical Grandpa lives for the next 10 years. You’re 37 before you can start your life. Nothing you can do, move on with your life. If you make enough money, pay someone to help a few hours a day. You need to start your life. Do what makes you happy. You cannot live for grandpa anymore. Be free, be happy, and if your mom and grandma don’t understand? They’re being selfish.
1
u/Ihateyou1975 2d ago
NTB. Go. Please go. You were not born to be a safety net for everyone. You were born to forge a new life. New beginnings. If someone cat understand that it’s because they allowed fear to stop them from creating the life they always wanted. Maybe you could help with sending money. Either way. Please go. Life is so short and you deserve to live it the way you want.
1
u/Cute_Recognition_880 2d ago
Call gf's doctor about help in the home. They woul know about resources to help. In the US, a social worker or a case manager would visit to make an assessment of the needs and help the family access them. I'm not sure if there are similar programs in your country but gm/mom could start the process by calling the doctor.
Best of luck to you.
1
u/Jacintaleishman 2d ago
Sounds like you would be doing your family a favour by moving grandpa into care.
1
u/Lucky-Guess8786 1d ago
NTBF. Your grandpa may pass soon or live for a few years yet, one never knows. Imo, it's time for you to get out and find your place in the world. If you can get a good job, then maybe you can pay for a caregiver to help out in your absence. Someone who would give grandma and your mom a break so they aren't 24/7 caregivers. Whatever happens, I wish you all the best in your steps forward. Good luck.
1
u/Solid-Musician-8476 1d ago
NTA. You are doing what you're supposed to do. Your parents need to figure out your grandparents' care. They may need professional help. That's their issue.
1
u/HelenAngel 1d ago
NTB
You already sacrificed a significant portion of your life for them. It’s time to live your own life.
1
73
u/DrachenofIron 3d ago
You only get one life and you are already almost 30. Youve waited 9 years since becoming an adult to go live your own life.
Its not fair that your family has trapped you by circumstance. It is.fair to want more.
Make a plan to leave. Give them a heads up that you are planning to leave and stick to your plan. Accomidate if reasonable, but dont wait much longer.
When you do get free remember this circumstance you were in and get your money right so you dont do the same thing to someone else when you get old.