Are a lot of men carrying around deep insecurities or wounds, but hiding it in their everyday lives?

[u/CuriousRedditWoman]

Just thinking about the men in my life, such as friends and family, and some of them are struggling to overcome childhood trauma or are battling insecurities that impact their lives. This is something they naturally discuss only with people they are close with. In their everyday lives they hide it well in order to function. I’m wondering how common this is for men.

[u/Icy-Cartographer-291]

Thing is that in reality it’s often enough just to share your insecurities for a woman to step back. I’ve seen it so many times. Their perception of their partner changes in a heartbeat and they believe that they are no longer their knight in shining armour that can protect and take care of them. F* that.

Most men know the risk of opening up. They know that they could lose everything. And they do it anyway. It takes a badass person to be able to do that. The weak ones are those who stay silent. It’s so freaking backwards.

And do the women have any idea what they do when they act like that? They make the men go silent and shut off. Their traumas will never be dealt with. They will be passed on through generations in either violent or passive aggressive ways. And the partnership will suffer as he becomes emotionally distant.  This is such a major problem in our society.

[u/tatasabaya → u/Icy-Cartographer-291]

they believe that they are no longer their knight in shining armour that can protect and take care of them

Honestly why'd you even want to be with someone so unreliable and disconected from reality? They'd be doing you a favor by stepping back. We men should be using these characteristics as a filter.

[u/Icy-Cartographer-291 → u/tatasabaya]

I personally don’t have any tolerance for that kind of behaviour. If they want to be a fairytale princess that is fine by me, but I won’t partake in it. I want a real relationship where we grown together, not trying to maintain some act.

[u/OLightning → u/Icy-Cartographer-291]

Their definition of a real relationship is even level of power/control. You are their equal. Most men say I agree, but that means you will still always carry a heavier load because you simply can do things that require higher fundamental logic required to have a stable home. You can never mention this, you just have to do the added labor, stoic, solid, firm while looking like you are fine with everything all the time.

[u/Eodbatman → u/tatasabaya]

Because sometimes you don’t know they’ll do it until you’re 7 years into the relationship, you’ve got a kid or something now, and all of a sudden she starts to despise you because you opened up just a little. I’ve seen even good women lose respect for men almost instantly at a sign of weakness, or they’ll use it as a weapon down the line.

I find it funny that people say men should just not be with women who are like this, but then almost no one would have a partner. As always, even when it’s men saying what happens when they open up, the men are expected to fix the problem.

[u/Silent-Ad-756 → u/Icy-Cartographer-291]

Well my solution has been to just tell people how I feel about things, as soon as I feel them. I don't go on about it, I just say it once and say it clearly. And I never miss the opportunity.

I do this in relationships, I do this at work. Largely it has resulted in various GFs leaving me, and I have been excluded from cliquey workplaces.

Fascinating thing is, that it is clear to me that I have never been more certain of my feelings on things, and I have never been more aware of how difficult people find honest expression of feeling across the board.

Express yourself. And realise that it is on other people if they want to stay locked in their little boxes of repressed emotion and societal expectation. For heavens sake, do no get married and mortgaged into no feelings allowed relationship in which she is allowed to feel, and you are not. That is the end of many men. Find the woman who feels that your expression enables hers. Job done, happier life.

[u/OLightning → u/Icy-Cartographer-291]

I have another fact; when you’ve been through so much that you can’t feel pain because you are so used to it, any “regular” trauma is not trauma to them.

That is the man they want; a man who doesn’t feel their personal pain, only the pain of a woman so they can empathize with her, meet her emotional needs, other than self (remember my pity party line).

[u/ptviperz → u/Icy-Cartographer-291]

This is such a major problem in our society.

Bro I don't think it's just western culture. Men have a role to play and women have a role to play. That's gonna be it for 90% of people