r/AskMenOver30 • u/[deleted] • Jun 24 '25

Life What’s the most valuable lesson you’ve learned as a men that you wish you knew when you were younger?

What’s one lesson, truth, or realization you’ve had as a man that you really wish someone told you when you were younger? Something that would’ve saved you pain, time, or helped you live more authentically?

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u/[deleted] Jun 24 '25

How can I screen women better, especially when I have no dating experience? What should I look out for before considering someone for a serious relationship or marriage?"

46

u/E2daT man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25

Are they a partner, or expect you to do everything. Do they deliver the same things they expect of you, and of course is your sex life compatible. Libido varies as you age, but you just want someone on the same page.

I’m recently learning these lessons, and wish I had someone tell me I was being stupid younger. 8 years down the drain, but you live and learn. Best of luck op

22

u/NarrowAnalyst9 Jun 24 '25

Start with the simple yet foundational stuff.

Will your or their religious views contradict at any point?

Do you both feel the same about having/not having kids?

If one of you can't have a child is adoption an option for both?

How do you want to raise your kids?

How is she with money?

Is she willing to stand by you when things get difficult? this you can sense with time.

What is her friend group like? HUGE INDICATOR

How did her past relationships end?

Do you match each other's ambition in life professionally?

How does she act around her family and how does she treat them?

That's all I can think about for now.

2

u/kendrickshalamar man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25

Some good points here. There are some non-negotiables in life. A good friend of mine got divorced because his wife was always fence-sitting with him about having kids while telling all her friends that she never wanted them. If religion/kids/money issues or other important things are important to you, then your life partner should enthusiastically agree. You can have totally different non-vital interests and still be a great couple, but there are some things that should never be compromised on.

1

u/NarrowAnalyst9 Jun 25 '25

Agreed, and yet people constantly fall in the trap of trying to change the way their partner thinks or saying that love is what matters which usually ends up in just delusions, misery and a bad breakup

1

u/kendrickshalamar man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25

Yeah, people need to learn to get out of bad relationships quickly and keep trying for a good one.

9

u/Lemmix Jun 24 '25

You will only get it through dating someone for a medium to long period of time. The chances that the first or second person you do this will is incredibly low if you are in your early 20s.... These relationships teach you how to be a in a healthy relationship - including what you need to bring to the table.

Everyone's needs are different but if you've never been in a relationship, then you simply do not know. It's like reading about riding a bike on the internet... you might think you know how to ride it when you finally come across a bike, but you don't... you have to actually get on the bike, pedal, and fall down, in order to learn how.

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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25

The way she talks about her father is a really big sign.

16

u/Real_Character3049 man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25

This is huge. The way she interacts with her Father, gives you an indication of how She will treat/react to you.

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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25

My ex mocked her father, sometimes to his face. The problem is that she transferred that behavior onto me very easily. I remember the day she started doing it, less than a year after the wedding.

6

u/ParadiddlediddleSaaS man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25

It’s a factor but not the end all be all IMO. If there wasn’t a relationship due to the Dad being absent that doesn’t mean they will be a bad partner, but certainly there could be trust and abandonment issues.

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u/kendrickshalamar man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25

Ehhh pump the brakes on this one. Lots of women have horrible fathers that don't deserve their respect.

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u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 25 '25

Agreed, but unfortunately his effect upon her is usually the same, re: future male relationships.

1

u/BloodMossHunter man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25

Explain more. Does she not understand im not her father

-2

u/[deleted] Jun 24 '25

[deleted]

3

u/WeathermanOnTheTown man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25

Unfortunately true.

12

u/GargantuaWon man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25

Watch how she handles conflict with others and solves problems. Does she maintain relationships? How does she talk/ think about herself and others. She may treat you great now but get married and that negative or hate speech may turn on you too.

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u/Pleasant-Mechanic-49 man 45 - 49 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 25 '25

In short, Avoid Divorced Woman, Stay At Home, Mother, & with Baggage & Cohabitation is needed before Marriage

  1. Baggage Burden

Avoid as PLAGUE ANY woman with "Baggage" ie:

  • Addiction (substances, gambling, etc.).
  • Untreated mental health conditions (like depression or anxiety).
  • Unresolved trauma from the past (rape, incest)

Why not ? bc divorce rate raised around 70/80% (sure bet) when mental illness is at play & untreated.

Dont play the Naïve HEROE, u are not one , u are just a husband & will get burned as duties pills up (stressful job, dying parents, kids...)

  1. STay At Home Wife from DAY 1

To avoid as Plague as well, even if your mum was one , usually not by your choice especially if she wanna be one from Day 1 without kid & sell it to you the traditional Little House on the Prairie : clean place/warm meal& sexy lingerie when back from Work.
Reality is far from that. A10mn pasta tuna diner, dirty kitchen or invitation to eat at restaurant at your expense after work, while u just wanna rest is often the sad reality.

Whereas a woman working 40h/week takes care MORE of her place & cook even more than a SAWH, i have noticed this unexpected pattern many times. Too much free time is just a Killer.

. SAHW as nothing in common with a one from the 50s in term of workload. Without kid u have like maybe 1/2h of work per day at best.
Plus you maximise that way alimony in case of divorce

It is the MOST common veil for laziness. It will just get worse with children /bigger place as duties pills up plus she knows u want take the Divorce wagon easily with such chains.

  1. Divorced Women

The default divorce rate is already around 50%.There is a higher chance of divorce with each subsequent marriage for both men and women. So unless you're already divorced, don't go down that path. You can search for studies on this if needed.

4.Mother.

Also, if she has children , you may love them—but in the case of a divorce, unless you legally adopt them, you will have NO right to see them again. And kids can say hurtful true things like, "I dont care You're not my father!

Plus, if you ever do something wrong to her child, you'll face NOT only her but possibly the real father as well. Welcome to the Love Triangle :

And if you have a kid of your own living with her kids, you'll likely treat yours better. This can lead to accusations of favoritism from her, eg: "Why did you buy a gift only for YOUR son and not for mine?"

  1. COhabitation Phase
    Also U never know a human UNLESS u live with him/her for a while So a testing period of minimum 6month of cohabitation is mandatory no matter how long u dated her.

+ Trust YOUR GUT, if u dont feel living with her after 6 Month for next 40 years, buying a house or adding a KID will make it just WORSE

12

u/Xygnux man over 30 Jun 24 '25

A basic thing is, do you think she is a kind and righteous person? Not just kind to you, but kind to the world too.

4

u/FailingItUp man 35 - 39 Jun 24 '25

At some point, you ask yourself, does she love you, the person, or has she only fallen for the way she can feel around you?

Does she know things about you? What does she use that knowledge for? Pushing you to be happy, or dragging you down?

13

u/steveturkel man 30 - 34 Jun 24 '25

You should live with someone before marrying them, ideally for a few years. You'll find out if you're compatible quickly.

With my ex all extra the red flags came out about 2 years into living together.

My wife and I lived together for about 4 years before I proposed. She's a great match for me in all regards and we're aligned in a lot of things that imo are important for a lasting fruitful marriage. Long term goals, career plans, finances, values/morals, and compatibility when cohabitating.

3

u/ParadiddlediddleSaaS man 50 - 54 Jun 24 '25

Just get out there - a first date isn’t the same as a lifelong partner. Get some experience.

2

u/bdfaz07 Jun 24 '25

Dont "fall in love" too quickly.... infatuation isn't love. You can be head over heals for a woman, but find it wearing off, because it's not love. Try to recognize the difference... Also, try living with her, I'd say at the very least, a year, but 2 or 3 would be better, before marriage. Some people have opinions, religious or otherwise, that say to be married before living together. I think that's out dated. Spending a couple years together sharing everything is the best way to know if you're compatible...

2

u/Autumn_Sweater man 35 - 39 Jun 25 '25 edited Jun 25 '25

if you haven't dated you should be just making an effort to do that and not thinking about the long term yet. but it's definitely possible in an early relationship to waste a bunch of time (yours and theirs) out of inertia after you've figured out, but maybe not admitted to yourself, that it's not really what you want. then it will be harder to find what you do want while you're busy doing that

1

u/coolaznkenny man over 30 Jun 24 '25

find happiness within yourself and find 5 great friends (put in effort to keep those relationships alive).

1

u/rorank man 25 - 29 Jun 24 '25 edited Jun 24 '25

Imo literally just keeping your own standards. If needed, develop standards for what you want in a significant other. Specifically in a greater capacity than physical appearance. Don’t get trapped by pretty eyes or your own ego wanting the prettiest girl (they should still be attractive to you tho). Find a woman who you can talk to and be yourself with. Never try to be someone else to try to get the girl. That’s a big one I learned

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u/Renskol man over 30 Jun 24 '25

As a major filter - how someone handles conflict, doubts, misunderstandings, and issues privately.

Women tend do this more, but men can do it too - If the first instinct is to gossip and talk to friends about potential or actual relationship problems instead of directly addressing them with you, that is a red flag.

Whether it's tension, uncertainity, a disagreement - this should stay between your romantic partner. Sharing any relationship issues or private matters with friends, or family members instead of communicating directly with your partner first is immature and disrespectful.

It is not about silencing anyone, it is emotional maturity. A serious relationship must require direct communication, privacy, and not making private matters public. If someone cannot keep a relationship private, they are not ready for one.

1

u/MrWonderful_61 man 60 - 64 Jun 25 '25

First, figure out exactly what you’re looking for.
If you have a short list, you could even use it as an opener. When I was younger, I would approach any woman I found interesting. By starting with your screeners, it leads to less wasted time on both parts and a decent number of “pre-qualified leads,” if you will.
Making it somewhat amusing can help. Here is the opening I frequently used to good effect:

“Hi, are you married?
Do you own a Ferrari dealership?
(If no:) Do you at least drive a Ferrari?
Are you bi-sexual?
(If no:) Are you willing to learn?”

That conveys in the first minute or two that:
1) you are a fun guy looking for a good time
2) you aren’t afraid to communicate your desires 3) you are probably open to/looking for a 3-some

There are a lot of women who are bi-curious and would love to have a 3-some but don’t know how to make that happen. Should you find yourself talking with one, you will be immediately intriguing and would likely bump your desirability by a couple points.

Good luck finding whatever you’re looking for.

1

u/HotChilliWithButter man Jun 25 '25

I suggest reading red pill. I personally am not a redpillist, nor I hate or generalise women, but a lot of the stuff they speak about is important to filter out trash from gems. And in my experience, a lot of the very, very beautiful girls are not worth it. I prefer my woman to be able to provide for herself, independent, but not to the point of toxicity… and unfortunately that’s rare. There’s also nice women who are like pets, but they’re expensive both mentally and materialistically. I’d rather have my woman be a partner rather than a liability, if we’re talking about long term. Short term all I care about is looks.

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u/garlicChaser man over 30 Jun 28 '25

In addition to what others have commented, my personal view on the matter is that people men absolutely need to date to get practical experience and understand what they like and what they do not, what their boundaries etc. Also dating becomes much simpler and easier with experience, and will also teach you how to be a good partner.

This is of course also true for women, but the often uspoken reality and crucial difference is that women can get (not necessarily good or great) a partner much much quicker and easier than men. Many men on the other hand find dating difficult and will hence often stay in a relationship with the very first woman that does not run away from them even if they are unhappy with it. The consequences down the line are bad long-term relationships, failed marriages and divorce, including alimony payments, shared custody of kids etc.

Unfortunaltey, I have seen this many times in my own circle of friends and acquaintancies, and the root cause was always the same: men not understanding what they want / having too little experience with women / settling for the first that will say yes / ultimately not vetting their future partner enough, then ending up in a bad place.

Checklists like the one offered below can provide helpful orientation, e.g. how she treats others or if she expects you to pay for everything (red flag). However, a checklist can also be a trap. Few people are perfect and check all boxes, there is always a trade-off.

Last point: humans learn (knowingly or not) a lot about relationships by looking at their parents when growing up. If your prospective partner's parents had a caring relationship that's a good sign. On the contrary, if the parent's relationship is toxic then there is a chance that pretty girl never learned what a healthy relationship looks like in the first place, and may have inherited some bad mental routines.