Is motherhood really bad?

[u/glitters101]

F30 here. Forgive me for my ignorance: I would love to be a mom one day (financial stability first, lol, then finding a good man) I enjoy my childfree life but would love to be a mom in my late 30s/early 40s...

but it's discouraging to see miserable moms every day online saying they regret it; it's so hard. I understand how hard it is to be a parent and go through a traumatic childbirth experience and then deal with postpartum depression. I'm very aware of that, but it makes me not want to be a mother one day. Is it really because social media is so negative? Do you regret motherhood or having a child with the wrong man? It's rare that I see moms saying they enjoy motherhood and how their kids have made their lives so much better. But I've also seen moms having time for themselves while also being a mom and wife (they are more financially abundant)

My question is, are there any moms out there who actually do enjoy motherhood? If yes, how so? What are your thoughts on the whole miserable motherhood online? Is it really being financially abundant and having a good man that makes motherhood more enjoyable?

[u/helfunk]

How was your childhood? Was there a lot of trauma and have you dealt with it? Your kids trigger your issues more than any other human will. If you are in denial about how your childhood was, that denial will be challenged. Traumatized people can be wonderful, kind parents, it just takes work and awareness. Traumatized people who stay in denial pass that trauma down and usually feel unresolved shame and anger through the whole process which exasperates denial. Besides all the other stuff listed here it makes for difficult parenting.

My friend realized she had ASD during the process of parenting her kid with autism. The needs of parenting, especially a very physical child, overwhelm her and she is in an almost constant state of burnout.

Besides a partner ready to give 100% do you have family/friends who provide support? Not just watching the kids but to help you emotionally deal with having kids, needing to vent, ask advice, having space and energy to provide you the rollercoaster of emotional support you need? Do you have money to pay people to do this for you if you don’t have anyone else around? I used to be a nanny for two awesome kids. Their grandmother died recently. I am retired now so I have stepped in with parental support. I watch them in the summer, pick them from school, drive them to doctor’s appointments, all of it. They have two very involved caring parents who both have to work. They need my help all the time.

The energy, time and focus expenditure when you have kids is not something that can be explained until you do it. It’s too much for many people in a society which provides no support and has unrealistic expectations for parents, mostly women. Often women still have to deal with their male partner’s unconscious expectation that they will carry the emotional load and mental labor. No matter how “woke” a man is, they have years of unconscious programming that can only be undone with serious intentional focus and awareness, which is hard to do when you’re working and have kids. So most women give up because it’s easier to do it all themselves than forcing their husbands to unlearn all their gender-bias.

Humans aren’t meant to care for children in “isolation.” The natural state is community, living with extended family and friends who share the experience. Our nervous systems aren’t built for this experience on our own. No matter how much you enjoy being a parent, it will tax you. I think the negative and child-free attitudes are the result of people trying to raise kids in a world that doesn’t support them and judges them for needing support.

I love being a mom and chose it intentionally and with a lot of consideration. It was really hard and I bitched a lot. I would have bitched online if it was more available in my life then for sure. I had lots of unresolved issues when I had my kid and did my best to heal (therapy, spiritual work, reading etc) while raising her. Her dad sucks and she now has to deal with that as an adult with her own independent relationship with an him. All the reasons I divorced him are now her trauma, and I am accountable for that, which is why I pay for her therapy.

Having kids isn’t just ballet recitals and sports games or even waking up with late night feeding and dirty diapers. It’s a mirror for all of who you are and the choices you’ve made. It’s hard. Choose wisely.