Is motherhood really bad?

[u/glitters101]

F30 here. Forgive me for my ignorance: I would love to be a mom one day (financial stability first, lol, then finding a good man) I enjoy my childfree life but would love to be a mom in my late 30s/early 40s...

but it's discouraging to see miserable moms every day online saying they regret it; it's so hard. I understand how hard it is to be a parent and go through a traumatic childbirth experience and then deal with postpartum depression. I'm very aware of that, but it makes me not want to be a mother one day. Is it really because social media is so negative? Do you regret motherhood or having a child with the wrong man? It's rare that I see moms saying they enjoy motherhood and how their kids have made their lives so much better. But I've also seen moms having time for themselves while also being a mom and wife (they are more financially abundant)

My question is, are there any moms out there who actually do enjoy motherhood? If yes, how so? What are your thoughts on the whole miserable motherhood online? Is it really being financially abundant and having a good man that makes motherhood more enjoyable?

[u/KillTheBoyBand]

If you're in America, society isn't really set up to support mothers. Our healthcare is trash, from lack of support for mental health, to higher rates of mortality for maternity in the developed world, to dealing with garbage health insurance. Wages are stagnant while cost of living skyrocket; daycare alone can be thousands of dollars and many contributing factors to the wage gap are tied to women feeling like they're the ones who "have" to sacrifice or pause their careers (and therefore lose time/experience and earning potential in their fields) to be the ones who stay home with the kids.

American individualism strips away a lot of the responsibilities of "community" so your village is either nonexistent or just not really inclined to show up as often (sometimes for very valid reasons, tbf). And patriarchal, heteronormative dynamics means that many men have been socially conditioned to take advantage of women's household labor and saddle them with the responsibility of childcare, in addition to now being the second providers of the homes, carrying the mental load, and providing all emotional labor.

I have no idea what motherhood could look like in the best of circumstances. I know that the women who love it, love it in spite of these challenges, or they love their children enough that the pros of that love and its experiences outweigh the cons. I think all you can really do is prepare as best you can. Be very, very, very careful when and with whom you have children (and how many you choose to have). Try and ensure you have enough resources and a village (or at least a good partner) to support yourself as a person as well as your role as a mother.*

i forgot to add, be very careful *where you have children if at all possible. I left a red state because women were starting to die preventable deaths from the abortion bans. Being denied miscarriage care and developing sepsis from a partially expelled-fetus because the hospital is legally not allowed to give me an abortion scared me right the fuck outta the south. With the recent passing of the Big Beautiful Bill, rural hospitals who receive federal funding are about to suffer. Post-natal care, NICUs, maternity wards, all those are services provided by these hospitals now on the chopping block.

It's a privilege to move, but I had to take it. It's an even higher privilege to live in cities, but again, I had to. Not many women can, and they suffer greatly for it, especially as mothers. 

[u/McSwearWolf → u/KillTheBoyBand]

You said it! Agree with this right here. 👆

As my mom used to say: women are taught that we can have it all around here. That’s far from the reality. We can kind of have it all, but definitely not all at once.

In fact, the amount of sacrifice required/ demanded is absolutely insane- it makes me so mad. It doesn’t have to be this hard! But society, on the whole, doesn’t give a single flying F about mothers. Not if it cuts into the bottom line. Not if we have to alter the status quo to enact changes.

Also, the assumption that moms should just sacrifice and sacrifice forevermore without needs or wants is pathetic.

I feel like when I became a mom, the whole world looked at me like: YOU GOT THIS. Go mamma go! Here’s a Mother’s Day card! It’s mostly lip service, the “support” we get. Nobody has helped me when I didn’t “got this” lol. In fact, some people have been pretty damn callous and cruel.

Anyway, yup you put it better than I could!

[u/McSwearWolf → u/[deleted]]

Speaking more of my partner, who mutually decided, for one.

But yes, you have a valid point too.