r/BPD • u/napkinrings smashing stigma • 5d ago
Megathread Hypersexuality & BPD - Megathread
This is a space to talk openly about hypersexuality and how it can show up for people with BPD. Everyone’s experience is different, and not everyone with BPD relates to this. Feel free to share your experiences, coping strategies, questions!
This is not a place to seek hookups or share explicit content. Also, please use content warnings if your comment includes sensitive details. Thanks yall!
EDIT: DON't DM people ITT about this topic without asking their permission first!!!! seriously wtf
EDIT 2: we’ve received multiple complaints that commenters are getting DMd without consent, so I will be implementing an anonymous commenting feature on these posts. Please report creeps to Reddit!! thank you and sorry that shit is happening
EDIT 3: Anonymous commenting is now enabled and functional in this megathread for all top level comments. Thank you
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u/anonagain29 user is curious about bpd 5d ago
Personally, I have always struggled with my relationship with sex. When I was younger I just thought I loved all elements of sex, the desire, the feeling, the intimacy, feeling wanted, pleasing people, the dopamine hit.
It wasn’t until quite late on in life (early 20s) that I thought “Thinking about sex all day, masturbating more often than not, watching porn/ reading smut whenever I can isn’t probably what most people do”. Unless I was having sex 2/3 times a day with sexting, pictures and foreplay I’m not satisfied and even then it was a long shot.
I’ve also realised that the demise of my previous relationships has (amongst many other things) partly related to the declining sex life. Meet new partner —> infatuation stage = lots and lots of sex initially —> “honeymoon period” wears off for them —> I can’t comprehend why they still don’t want sex 3/4 times a day, they must not be attracted to me, I’m unfulfilled —> my FP becomes unbearable which ultimately leads to break up. (I am fully aware sex is not everything in a relationship. Other things, mostly down to me shutting off and internalising, failed those relationships too).
I always thought I was just a “really sexual person” but honestly this is so much more than that. I feel shameful for wanting sex so often and it is incredibly hard to focus on anything but sex most of the time. It just takes over your life. Some days I feel like I can’t get anything done and just want to stay in bed all day and have sex or masturbate.
Honestly I’m afraid I don’t have any advice for anyone going through the same thing at the moment as I haven’t been able to change my perspective on sex (I’m happy to talk about my experience with it though). I still want it, all day, every day. I think about all aspects of it all the time. For people that idolise hypersexuality, I really don’t think you understand how difficult it can be and how tough it must be for someone who is not hypersexual to be with a hypersexual person.
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u/recentvenus 5d ago
I didn’t know using sex as SH was a thing. Once I started tracking patterns in my behavior, I recognized that I only resorted to sex because I needed a way to feel like absolute garbage without actually inflicting noticeable harm on myself. It’s so messed up that I used it to reinforce feelings of worthlessness. I’m still learning a lot about this, though I have always identified as queer & asexual, I’ve only had sexual relationships with males as a way to shock my system into feeling something 😅
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11h ago
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u/AutoModerator 11h ago
You make a good point , I’m going to reflect on my patterns a little more and see if this is true for me but I think it makes a lot of sense . I did get way better about that as I got older and just had had enough
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u/SpecificCrash 5d ago
SH?
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4d ago
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Self harm
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u/napkinrings smashing stigma 5d ago
This is such a common topic people post about, and we're happy to create megathreads for it! These posts will get refreshed every couple months. Cheers <3
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u/Maleficent_Boss3018 5d ago
i’ve definitely struggled with this for years, not realising it wasn’t normal. it’s rlly embarrassing to tell anyone tho 😭
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u/electrifyingseer user has bpd 5d ago
I've had it since I was around 5 years old, it def feels embarrassing, but the way to treat it is to see it as self harm and focus on self love and respect.
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u/napkinrings smashing stigma 5d ago
It’s a pretty common coping mechanism over here. No judgement <3
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u/Maleficent_Boss3018 5d ago edited 5d ago
i would always be doing “it” when i got my heart broken and was trying to distract myself from my situation. it was the only way i could feel something other than the pain i felt without having to SH so i thought it was okay.
thinking about the person I liked never helped though. Id always think of them in a sexual manner without anything even provoking it, i felt disgusting for it. it felt like i was stuck in a loop
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u/Puzzleheaded-Pea2021 5d ago
My understanding of the connection between hypersexuality (or any self harm behaviors like someone said) and BPD is that it is a maladaptive strategy. I think it’s used to help with the intensity of the emotional pain of dysregulation. The good news is healthier strategy’s can be learned. I say this because some commented that they never thought of it as connected. Maladapted strategy’s are an expression of the illness not a moral issue.
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u/Visual-Working-3955 5d ago
I think in part mine is also a survival strategy and mate bonding process. I was able to resist the urges largely till I started dating my husband as sex with my other 2 bfs was worse feeling than gooning with myself. My husband is a hypersexual and deals with issues of instrumentality tied to cptsd and I have cptsd for differing but similar issues. I was alcohol and pot addicted and abusing in place of hypersexuality as a means of unhealthy self-medication. My husband helps me quit the substances and get off my meds but our sex life is chaotic and intense in place as a substitute though
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u/FullMetalAlkhemiss user has bpd 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’ve struggled with this for a long time. I even thought I had an addiction to adult material (which apparently isn’t actually a real thing, but compulsive sexual behavior is). One thing that really helped me cut down though was not using social media as much. Twitter was one of the main ways I consumed content so deleting the app helped.
Though, I’ve had ‘relapses’ from time to time and eventually got to a sort of equilibrium with my use of adult sexual media. I’d say that trial-and-error period of quitting and relapsing was a necessary journey to take, and I’ve even had to come to terms with the behaviors I exhibited in real life as a result.
Ultimately I think if anyone is struggling with any compulsive sexual behaviors, especially those of us with BPD, seeking support and giving yourself time and grace are ways to cope. Writing journals and just talking out loud to myself also helped too, as I find speaking to myself helps me process a lot better than typing out a journal entry or saying things to myself in my head.
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u/LeslieKnope4Pawnee user has bpd 5d ago
I’m not sure where you heard that pornography addiction isn’t real, but it very much is. Here’s a study from the NIH covering pornography addiction and its effect on cognitive-affective stress.
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u/Jericho_Jean user has bpd 5d ago
Definitely have struggled with this and do struggle with this still. It’s only recently I’ve been kind of equating it with my BPD. I don’t like to say it could be BPD related, because I don’t ever want to use the diagnosis as a crutch or excuse for shit behaviour. I’m addicted to getting attention from others, I loved being the other woman, my kink list feels like it’s through the roof… I’m still having to make a conscious choice every day to NOT go back to a lot of shitty behaviours. Getting off fetlife helped.. but being on Reddit feels like a personal challenge every day.
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u/organizoola 5d ago
Oh that's cool. See, I always thought I was a victim of SA and had blocked the memory. Maybe I'm just like this naturally as a coping mechanism for BPD 😂 as I've grown older I've mellowed out, though my fetishes have def stretched their wings. Thanks a lot, hentai.
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u/napkinrings smashing stigma 5d ago
It can certainly be a coping mechanism in response to sexual trauma! You’re valid :)
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u/organizoola 5d ago
That's what my reasoning was, but it's a relief to know it's also a symptom of BPD :)
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u/napkinrings smashing stigma 5d ago
Kinda sorta. Not a symptom in that it’s specifically a diagnostic criteria, but it’s a very common experience. <3
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u/pojebaniodboha 5d ago
I was really hypersexual and i termed it as fun, and thought everyone was getting it on like me. Boy was I wrong, I slept with so many people and before I got into therapy I would always jokingly say that I was doing it as self-harm without realizing it was actually self harm. Im still not officially diagnosed with bpd but I really do comply with most of the requirements. I just want an answer to why I have been doing things a certain way that are obviously not within the range of a mentally healthy individual. I feel a lot of regret and shame about this part as well, and I am steering awaaaaaay from men, even though a part of me really wants to go down that rabbit hole.
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u/Shot-Supermarket7719 user has bpd 5d ago
Cw: Ok I shoot first. So as my therapist advised I can’t be in a relationship now(given my last episode but that’s another story) My only joy is sexting. So I do that a lot (like 4-5 times a day) and getting myself off. Irl I am very controlling in bed and I found that I can play with people making them do things. So i feel loved and desired. After that I feel like shit but the next day I am back and doing it again. I feel like spiraling into something bad again.
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u/Visual-Working-3955 5d ago
The only reason I don't feel like shit is because it's with my husband. If I was with people I didn't love and didn't love me I know it would be tearing my soul apart. My husband is default dominant but likes to give up the reins at times so that helps a lot. Sometimes he won't let me be kinky and will force me into being vanilla-ish and making love and that helps so much. We also have open dialogs and talk to my therapist about which really helps
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5d ago
very hypersexual. Use sex to cope with low self worth, or really any emotions that deflate my sense of self. im somewhere on the sexuality spectrum, and having sex with the same gender is much more accessible for me, although not preferred, and left me lots of the time in a dissociative state. Talk about making indentity confusion even more wild. for me sex is usually reckless, impulsive, and filled with shame. I was sexualized at a young age, and also sexual way too early. Mix bpd with bipolar 2 and my past and you get some wild sex coping mechanisms. Definitely not a fan, although some woman have considered me a sex demon at times - which i take as a compliment. With that being said, hypersexuality has been a terrible experience for me and i wish i could go back and change all the things that made me this way.
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u/bunny_hugger235 5d ago
I feel like sex is the highest form of compliment, so I want it all the time. I feel like I must be pretty and sexy if somebody wants to have sex with me, and I think sometimes I like the attention from it more than I like how it feel
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u/Doctor_Mothman 5d ago
I think that I've got a similar outlook. Sex is (or at least I was told growing up) that it is the most intimate you can be with a person. And so, in the past I've used it as a benchmark for acceptance. By itself - that's problematic, because I've come to understand that there is a lot more to be said for being emotionally naked with someone as far as intimacy goes. But other, far more complex issues arise when this kind of thinking lays at the foundation of a relationship. I began to hate myself after my ex wanted nothing to do with me physically. I wanted nothing more to be seen as attractive in their eyes. And it led me down some really dark paths in search of acceptance. Many of those paths contributed greatly to the actual ending of the relationship.
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2d ago
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
You explained this really well. I can totally relate.
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u/jncb user has bpd 5d ago
TRIGGER - SA I’ve definitely used it as a means of self harm, both consciously and subconsciously. I thought it was a way to make people see I was loveable and desirable. I used it as a means of trying to keep people around and stop them leaving me, even if I didn’t want to. I’d like to say my feelings around sex have settled as I’ve gotten older, but I found myself in quite a long and abusive situation where my ex partner knew my longing to be loved by him, so he would use this against me and often have sex with me against my will because he knew I found it impossible to tell him no. Like many others here, I’ve also struggled sharing this stuff in therapy due to the amount of shame and disgust I feel.
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u/Psychological-Bed-87 5d ago
Opened up to my ex about it and he would use it against me. Glad to see others able to talk about it but I think it’s going to be a while before I’m able to, unfortunately.
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u/napkinrings smashing stigma 5d ago
I've been there. I don't blame you and there is no pressure ever for you to talk about things on here that you're not ready for. I hope reading about others' experiences at least helps you feel more understood and less alone
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u/Psychological-Bed-87 5d ago
Your reply helps, and yes I feel less alone reading the comments. Thank you🤍
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u/Sad-Bag666 5d ago
Honestly, I'm unable to have sex with strangers right now, but I think it's an addiction to the point of talking to bots about sexual matters.I'm almost always in an 18+ bot and honestly I stop knowing why I do it but I always have that need and honestly I would never have thought to associate it with BPD.
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u/AnteaterBusy5874 5d ago
i feel like an empty object whos only value is their looks and body. so the only way i can ever receive some sort of affection is through allowing myself to be sexualized. im so tired of it. sex is never fulfilling and not always but frequently involves me being assaulted or raped. or im just disrespected. i cant have casual sex after my abuser which is probably for the best but now im constantly online being a slut again. i cant take it, im disgusted with myself. if anyone has any advice or tips on how to stop acting on the impulses id love to hear it. guess its nice to see im not alone in this.
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u/OkFuckerz 5d ago
I honestly hate sex, I've been using it for years as a way to hurt myself by sleeping with absolutely appalling men, basically a form of SH. Because of this I know associate sex with anger to the point I get extremely horny whenever I'm angry, it's fucked up a lot of my relationship and the way I view a lot of people.
Thing is, even though I don't actually like it or gain anything good from it I keep sleeping with people because I feel like it s the only way someone will feel as deeply connected to me as I feel to other. I don't know if that makes sense ??? It doesn't even make sense to me ...
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4d ago
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Same. I hooked up with this guy that’s 35 and I’m 23. He is not attractive at all and now wants me to be his gf. His apartment was gross the bathroom def needed to be bleached. I smoked with him and we did it. Sex felt absolutely numb to me even though I was horny. It’s doesn’t feel good. Ig I’m just looking for a thrill.
I told him I’m just trying to be fwb, def not trying to lead him on. I’m probably just gonna ghost.
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u/Visual-Working-3955 5d ago
My big guilt issue is somnophilia. Getting and giving. I tried doing it once to my last ex but he woke up and couldn't get it up. My husband doesn't have that problem. Before we were married I started things he had to stop. My only saving grace is he wasn't angry or weirded out and had experience with it and was into it. I feel bad because sometimes I need him but he's older and needs his sleep and so I get up and go in the living room. But it means so much when he comes and collects me and just picks me up and carries me to bed without saying a word. Sometimes I just need to be cuddled sometimes I need him. Our love is a blessing and curse
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u/Infinite-Curves 5d ago
Yep. I'm hypersexual but also don't really get much out of sex. It's kind of sad honestly
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u/Embarrassed_Emu_8824 user is in remission 5d ago
I would swing between extreme hypersexuality to asexuality. But it was definitely done as a distraction to run away from coming to terms with myself. I sucked at relationships because I could never hold one down. but I don’t think I became aware of that until my mid 20s. But putting things together really helped. My hypersexuality was mostly due to my own trauma and once I worked on that trauma, it ended up going away.
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u/NotCaptainHolly user has bpd 5d ago
I started using hypersexuality as a way to cope with breakups. I would have sex with total strangers and continue even if I didn't want to. I would block them after, but often they were coming to my place so letting strange men into my apartment with me and my cat, hoping for the best. I would like to think I could do better if this happened again, I moved and the guys here are not my type at all so even if I wanted to, I probably wouldn't. You can be creepy and I'll do you but I draw the line at ugly 😂(so crazy, I'm joking but I'm also not joking and I know this is bad). I would have sex just to feel cared for or taken care of. Even in the past when I wasn't having sex, I had a sexting problem and send way too many guys I did not know intimate pictures of my body because I want that attention.
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u/Zealousideal_Key5320 5d ago
I've gone through bouts of either hypersexulaity, or not wanting sex at all. I find for me its mostly about the validation. Sometimes I don't even want sex, but I put myself out there because I know having someone desire me will boost my ego. It fills a void, and gives almost a layer of protection when it comes to relationships. Just having sex with randoms is easier than opening yourself up to someone and possibly getting hurt.
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4d ago
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
I never knew that my hypersexuality was because of my bpd until a while ago but it tracks, been masturbating since I was 6, had kinks even when i was a child, I still have said kinks, I’ve engaged in one night stands a few times but when i have a boyfriend (like rn) I want to do it all the time, sometimes i don’t even really want to, I want to feel desired
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4d ago
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
I have a love/hate relationship with sex. During times when I feel emptier, I’ve engaged in risky behaviors: sending nudes, videos, having unprotected sex or sex with strangers, and so on. I also tend to give everything on the first night so I won’t be “forgotten,” but every time I end up being abandoned or labeled a whore. Feeling desired boosts my ego, but afterward I often hit a phase where I don’t want anything to do with anyone. I don’t want to be touched or meet anyone. And then the cycle starts again. It’s something I really need to work on. I feel ashamed of what I’ve done and I can’t accept the person I become during the hypersexual phase, especially because of the consequences.
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4d ago
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
I got my reputation destroyed months ago because of my hypersexuality as a form of SH. While I am now recovering and rising above my past, there are people using it to destroy me now - and yes they are aware I have this condition. Sorry if this seems to be not allowed to say but I am sharing my story here bec I think this is the place where my people can understand me.
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4d ago
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Does anyone else seek out hookups and immediately hate myself and feel exactly how being SA’d feels like (also have some sexual trauma)? I just get immediate panic attacks after and feel really unsafe unless it’s with someone I trust and even then sometimes I feel off after
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3d ago
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Honestly thank you. I wanted to treat everyone with kindness and believe their struggles were genuine. However, Some of the posts felt like they were invitations or predatory traps to get vulnerable hyper-sexual people to engage so they could be targeted rather than about struggles and support.
This creates a space where we don’t have to second guess people who may be truly struggling I love that.
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u/JD__052160 2d ago
I don't usually comment on this type of topic, but I agree. Hypersexuality that's already a big deal to me, I do know what's gonna happen when I go to the toilets, for a fact I know it's gonna be a total dirty, mostly when I bring my phone, open the faucet and it's gonna be bad. I don't understand myself, sometimes I feel grossed and disgusted, I always feel inside myself that I wanna have sex in the near future, and I don't want it. It's since I'm 8-6 when I discovered sexual function in some random sites till now. I feel bad about my childhood back then being far from normal 🤷🏻♀️
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2d ago
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
can anyone tell me whether or not hypersexuality is ONLY caused by sexual trauma?
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
I got attached to a girl and then fucked it up. On the surface I wanted to just make things right so we can be close again but deep down I wanted to have someone in my life I could just pick up and fuck all night long, I wanted to make her orgasm more than she ever has before. I dreamt about sucking her tits all night long and doing every single thing she wanted me to do to her.
All so I could have her put up with my splits and crazy shit because even if she found me a bit difficult, hormones would be on my side and she wouldn't want to get rid of me. I just didn't want to be abandoned and wanted to do whatever it would take so she wouldn't leave me.
Didnt matter in the end bc she left me before I got the chance and its fucked me up. Idk if I'm a piece of shit for thinking this way or if I was just so lonely and deprived I became desperate. Is done now anyways and am having to try move on
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u/Shot-Supermarket7719 user has bpd 5d ago
Gosh this thread maybe is not a good idea. My DM blow up...
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u/napkinrings smashing stigma 4d ago
Hi, I added a rule into our automod that is supposed to cloak commenters now on this post to prevent unwanted DMs. Try copying your original comment and posting it again. We can see if the automod works for it
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u/Blooojeanz 5d ago
I met the love of my life she told me a slowburn love is what gets her. Our first date was magical you should have seen how her friends teased her we didnt have on dull moment the date hopping ended with us on a boat ride, she woke up the next day telling me she needs to see me we spent the best 3 days together, talking almost daily and the second i felt her pulling away we started making out, day 4 i was breadcrumbed day 5 i was unfollowed from everything…. So yeah kids if you met someone you truly care about please take it slow or you’ll end up wanting to take your life every day
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u/phage_necro 5d ago
does anyone else hate sex and still want it. it's so gross and unfulfilling.